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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29123040">Take Care</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/danceintheashes/pseuds/danceintheashes'>danceintheashes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Play, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Background Ginny Weasley/Nymphadora Tonks - Freeform, Caring Dominance, Crying During Sex, Culturally Muslim Character, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, F/M, Gentle Sex, Good Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hermione Granger Needs a Hug, Hermione Granger is Bad at Feelings, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, Misogyny, Not Britpicked, Orgasm Control, Past Domestic Violence, Past Hermione Granger/Original Character(s), Past Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Past Torture, Person of Color Hermione Granger, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Protective Remus Lupin, Racism, Ron Weasley Bashing, Rope Bondage, Size Kink, Songfic, Wizarding Culture (Harry Potter), Wizarding Politics (Harry Potter), no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:33:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>127,795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29123040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/danceintheashes/pseuds/danceintheashes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's meant to be a casual arrangement. Just a way to get Ginny off her back and manage her sexual frustration. He's not supposed to get under her skin and make her miss him in the morning. And she's not supposed to want to let him in and tell him her secrets.</p><p>She should have learned by now that things never work out the way they’re meant to. Sometimes, though, that's a good thing.</p><p>[Remus/Hermione DDlg romance with a lot of angst.]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hermione Granger &amp; Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger &amp; Nymphadora Tonks &amp; Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Remus Lupin, John Dawlish &amp; Remus Lupin &amp; Draco Malfoy, Remus Lupin &amp; Nymphadora Tonks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Good Girl Hermione, Hermione Granger’s Daddy Kink</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. if you were my little girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Mind the tags and be aware that not all dark themes are tagged. There are additional spoiler-y trigger warnings in first chapter end notes, and I'll trigger warn darker chapters individually. The dark stuff is mostly pre-story and perpetrated by an OC (not Remus or Ron), but it comes up in some depth as the story focuses on the development of a healthy D/s relationship while dealing with recovery from abuse. </p><p>This story isn't part of the Wolf and kitten-verse, though it contains some shared headcanons. OracleObscured's "Getting Personal" was an inspiration for the premise (and when it comes to porn with feelings, there's no better writer - seriously, check them out). AU - Harry dies, Remus and Tonks split soon after the war and don't have a child, Hermione's Obliviation of her parents takes place before Sixth Year instead of after, and they don't recover.</p><p>Aiming for weekly updates. Cover art by me and Canva, fancasts are Nithya Menen and Engin Altan Duzyatan.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Go ahead and cry, little girl</em><br/>
<em>Nobody does it like you do</em><br/>
<em>I know how much it matters to you</em><br/>
<em>I know that you got daddy issues</em><br/>
<em>And if you were my little girl</em><br/>
<em>I'd do whatever I could do</em><br/>
<em>I'd run away and hide with you</em><br/>
<em>I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too</em>
</p><p>The Neighborhood, “Daddy Issues”</p><p>Sunday, October 10, 2004</p><p>The insistent tapping of an owl tore Remus from his standard Sunday morning Belgian waffle and fantasy novel. Marking the page, he wandered from the small teak dining table to the kitchen window, snagging the letter as the creature entered and fishing out a treat from a canister on the counter.</p><p>He took in the masthead as he unrolled the scrap of paper - the Quibbler, personals section. Red ink starred one ad, with a note scrawled next to it that read ‘Get a life already!’</p><p>‘Shy single witch, 25, seeks experienced daddy dominant between ages 30-45 with strict and caring manner.’ The ad was signed only ‘joy.’</p><p>And on the back: ‘You’re denying Britain’s eligible witches a terrific service. - D<br/>
P.S. Gin says hi. Dinner Friday?’</p><p>Barking a laugh and shaking his head, Remus sent the owl on its way and plucked a strawberry from the top of the waffle as he sat back down. </p><p>It had taken him some time to even think about getting back into the scene after his divorce with Dora. Their tastes ran differently - hers towards switching for play and his towards power exchange - and a couple of years into their marriage she insisted that though she knew he cared for her, they both deserved to find what they really wanted. They remained close friends, though, and ever since she’d married Ginny a year ago, she’d been on a matchmaking kick.</p><p>Finding a submissive was easy enough; he’d had a few short relationships since the divorce. But finding someone he truly clicked with wasn’t, and finding someone also into caregiver dynamics was rarer yet.</p><p>The Quibbler’s personals section might be racier than the Prophet’s, but this was edgy even for them. He could always lie to Dora and claim he answered and it didn’t work out - or try telling her to butt out of his love life, again. (That never worked.) Despite the curt tone of the ad, though, he couldn’t help his curiosity. </p><p>Before he cleared the table, he found himself scratching out an answer and signing it with his middle name, which he used on his occasional visits to London's wizarding kink club.</p>
<hr/><p>Dear joy,</p><p>I hope this letter finds you well and doesn’t get lost in the avalanche of responses I’m sure you’ve received. I admire your bravery in seeking out your desires. Though I’m experienced with Dominant/submissive relationships, it’s rare to find a witch who also shares my fondness for Daddy/girl. </p><p>A bit about me - I’m 44, 6’2”, blond hair (not untouched by time), green eyes, in shape. I have a number of scars. Single and childless - divorced years ago, quite amicably. I work at the Ministry. When I’m not doing that, I enjoy a good duel or a good book equally. </p><p>If that sounds agreeable, let me know more about you and what you are looking for. Have you been in a relationship like this before? What excites you about it?</p><p>Intrigued,<br/>
Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Sir John,</p><p>I apologize for the late evening owl; my own work schedule is somewhat chaotic and I did, indeed, have to discard the majority of an avalanche once I made it home. Filtering for grammatical mistakes and genital references in the introduction served to reduce it to a manageable pile of three. Yours caught my eye the most - more than agreeable, really.</p><p>Let’s see. I’m short, with dark hair and eyes. I’m mixed-race - not interested in being anyone’s exotic fantasy, and for some people that’s a sticking point, so I’d like to get it out of the way. I have a few scars of my own as well as a tattoo, and share your fondness for books and dueling. When I can find the time, I like to cook.</p><p>I’ve been in two power exchange relationships, neither in this particular vein. Single for over a year now, but I recently returned from the continent and my best friend has informed me that I’m a right bitch when I’m sexually frustrated, so here we are. </p><p>I like authority and discipline, but I don’t like being bad. I need to give up control. And I don’t know that I’m drawn to age regression, but the thought of being cared for is both a comfort and a thrill. </p><p>Admitting that, even just on parchment, makes me want to crawl under a rock. </p><p>Currently blushing,<br/>
joy</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>I hope you’ve crawled into your bed by now instead, little one. The timing doesn’t bother me at all, but I wonder what sort of work keeps you out until ten on a Sunday. </p><p>I’ve no hangups on skin color (what utter prats have you dated?), but I must admit to curiosity about what fetching shade you’ve achieved with that blush. And about your tattoo. I’ve never thought of anything I’d want to get myself, but I find them beautiful. Are your scars, like most of mine, from the war? You must’ve been in school when it started. Or were you away then?</p><p>Plenty of people like the role without the age play. Is this just about the sex and the power exchange for you, or are you seeking romance as well? I’m open to all possibilities, though I would understand if that’s not agreeable given the age difference between us.</p><p>What sort of books do you enjoy? I love literary fiction and poetry, but my guilty pleasure is Muggle fantasy novels - I’ve just finished <em>A Storm of Swords</em>, the latest from George R. R. Martin. I need something to distract me from the fact that the next book’s not out yet. Any suggestions?</p><p>Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Sir John,</p><p>I was glad to get your quick reply. I’m not comfortable talking about work for privacy reasons - I will if we meet - but I’m in a helping profession and I work odd hours at times. Hope that won’t be an issue.</p><p>Checked the mirror on my way to bed, and I’d say it’s a watermelon hue, but I don’t have a discerning eye for these things. I’ll hold off on revealing anything about the ink - a girl’s got to have a little bit of mystery.</p><p>I didn’t read novels during my school years, so I’m making up for lost time and devouring them at a prodigious rate. I mainly stick to literary but I branch out sometimes. I’m afraid to pick up<em> A Game of Thrones</em> because of the predicament you’re in now, but I recommend His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman for your rebound series - it’s got a young adult feel, but with some fascinating philosophical underpinnings. I assure you it’s complete.</p><p>I placed the ad for the power exchange and sex. I'd like it if the dynamic extended outside the bedroom, and if that leads to romance, I wouldn’t object. But I should warn you up front that I’m not good at the feelings and relationship bit. Hope that’s not a deal-breaker. Has nothing to do with your age - that doesn’t bother me in the least.</p><p>joy</p><p>P.S. I spent the last few years abroad. I don’t talk about the war.</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>Neither your work schedule nor what you are seeking present any issues. I’ll never push you into anything you don’t want. I must admit that I don’t like to share, though, regardless of the nature of our connection.</p><p>I’m sorry - it wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable by asking about your past.</p><p>If you’ve time in the next couple of days, send me a list of fifteen things about you - doesn’t have to be sexual. I just want to know you better. And thank you for the thoughtful recommendation - sounds like just the thing I need for my recovery.</p><p>It’s lovely that you’re so eager to talk, but I’d like you to be a good girl for me and get some rest now, little one.</p><p>Sweet dreams,<br/>
Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Sir John,</p><p>1. ‘Good girl’ and terms of endearment seem to be the magic words, based on how hard I came last night. (I fell asleep right after, I promise.)<br/>
2. I don’t have any professor/student fantasies - some kinds of roleplay feel too forced and weird - but I do have two masteries and a learning kink.<br/>
3. I speak three languages.<br/>
4. I’m an atheist, but when I’m pissed off or having an orgasm, I curse like an Anglican sailor. Sometimes just for fun, too.<br/>
5. My parents have an interfaith marriage, both devout, and the fact that my dad was a lay minister makes #4 a little shameful. They took the atheist bit with grace, though.<br/>
6. I’m a cat person. <br/>
7. I can’t bring myself to get one since my first familiar passed, so I just have the owl you’ve met. Her name is Persephone and she’s a bit of a brat, I know. (Sorry!)<br/>
8. I also don’t like to share and have zero intention of being with anyone else if things do work out.<br/>
9. In terms of other kinks, I’ve got a fondness for bondage and impact. I’m not very experienced, but I like trying new things.<br/>
10. Also giving oral sex. I might have a fixation.<br/>
12. And orgasm control, but I’m awful at it, I’m far too sensitive.<br/>
13. Fifteen is a large number. Let’s see…I live in a flat above a cafe in Camden Town.<br/>
14. My favorite subject in school was Arithmancy, at the risk of sounding like a terrible swot. (I am.)<br/>
15. I’m not a morning person, and I require a copious amount of coffee to be coaxed out of bed.</p><p>I hope your Monday’s going better than mine.</p><p>joy</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>Thank you for the tip about the coffee - I hope I have a chance to coax you out of bed sometime soon. I am a morning person, but that just means I’ll be awake to make it for you.</p><p>I’m sure that you hear often how bright you are. But it sounds like you also push yourself very hard and take on more stress than you should. It’s easy to understand why you need to give up control and responsibility - and though I know you’re shy about all of this, it’s okay to want that (and to get off on it). There’s no shame in it.</p><p>I own a cottage up north, I’m terrible with languages, and Arithmancy gives me a headache (really, I’m impressed). Top of my class in Defense and Charms, though. I believe in some sort of higher power, but I wouldn’t call myself religious. My mum was a Muggle - and a Catholic - but I tend to do the wizarding thing and swear by historical figures. I share your kinks, and a few more besides.</p><p>I bet you’re adorable when you curse, especially when you’re coming. I’d like to see how awful you are at orgasm control sometime - that’s far from a flaw. Are you able to come multiple times? What did you think about when you were touching yourself, baby girl?</p><p>You’ve certainly brought some joy to a boring Monday at the Ministry. How did you choose, or come by, your nickname? </p><p>Curiously yours,<br/>
Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Sir John,</p><p>I’m sorry it's taken me a couple of days to write back, it’s been a rough week. Thinking of you did help in the midst of it, though. </p><p>My nickname before I came to Hogwarts was a name from my mum’s culture that means joy. Putting that felt more natural than tagging something silly like kinky bookworm (though that description also applies).</p><p>You’ve got me pegged. When we were kids, I used to give my best friend grief about his sense of guilt and responsibility, but I think I inherited it. I’m still working on accepting that it’s okay to need this, and on the shame thing. You really don’t find it sick or twisted?</p><p>Yes to multiple orgasms. I’ve been thinking of you - kneeling at your feet, you having me over your knee for a spanking, you holding me on your lap and touching me. I need that, please, sir. Have you been thinking of it, too?</p><p>Still blushing,<br/>
joy</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>You’re not sick. It’s okay to have fantasies. It doesn’t mean you condone abuse or that you’re doing anything wrong. It doesn’t even mean you have ‘daddy issues,’ though there’s nothing wrong with needing help with mental health. We all probably do after the last eight years.</p><p>What limits do you have that I should know about?</p><p>And I have been thinking of you, little one. Wondering how soft you’ll be in my arms, if you’ll like feeling how hard you make me when you sit on my lap. I bet you fit perfectly. It’s alright if you’re not ready yet, but would you like to find out? We can meet this weekend, whenever you have time. You deserve a reward for making it through such a hard week.</p><p>Be a good girl for Daddy and fuck yourself tonight. Try to edge twice before you come. I want you to think about how good it’s going to feel to have my fingers inside of you - and my cock.</p><p>Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Daddy,</p><p>I just came really hard. I managed to edge without any accidents, though. Thank you.</p><p>Limits are no permanent marking, watersports, blood, anal sex, canes, restraining spells. Physical restraints are fine. Some humiliation is fun, but I don’t like to feel degraded. I don’t like choking, but there’s something nice about having a hand against my neck. And please don’t call me ‘pet’ or ‘darling.’ Those are the things I can think of from the territory I’ve covered before. I use ‘yellow’ and ‘red’ as my safe words.</p><p>I do have family issues, but not in that way. My therapist is kink-friendly, thank goodness, and agrees with you that I could stand to let go of some responsibility.</p><p>I’m scared, but I don’t think delaying will make that any better, and I do want to meet you. I’ve never just…met someone for sex before. Could we spend time together first? I’m free Friday evening through Sunday morning. Let me know when would be good for you?</p><p>Nervous/excited/still floaty,<br/>
joy</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>I’m proud of you for following instructions and for being such a brave girl.</p><p>Meet me in Flourish and Blotts at 7 on Friday and let me take you to dinner. That was my intention anyway, and there are some things I’d prefer to discuss in person. If you decide you want to spend time together after, we can go wherever you’re comfortable, and we’ll take it slow. I hope I don’t need to remind you to set up a safety check-in with a friend, but I’m going to anyhow.</p><p>I want you not to come on Thursday or Friday before you see me. You may touch yourself, but only if you think you can obey. I’ll take good care of you.</p><p>Sir John</p><p>...</p><p>Daddy,</p><p>Dinner sounds lovely. I’m starting to feel more excited than nervous (though still very nervous). I may not get a chance to write much between now and then, but I promise I’ll be good and not touch myself.</p><p>I’ll be in the far corner at Flourish and Blotts, in the poetry section. I usually wear Muggle clothes when I’m not at work, I hope that’s okay. And it’ll make me easier to spot. Looking forward to meeting you.</p><p>Yours,<br/>
joy</p><p>...</p><p>Dear joy,</p><p>I have no doubt you’ll be a good girl.</p><p>No pressure to write if you’re busy, and wear whatever you’d like. No need for anything formal. I stick to Muggle clothes most of the time outside of the Ministry myself.</p><p>Can’t wait to see you.</p><p>Sir John</p>
<hr/><p>Dora and Ginny took Remus’s cancellation of Friday’s dinner with no small amount of ribbing, but offered genuine well wishes. He wrapped up his last training class early and stopped by St. Mungo’s to pick up a fresh supply of Wolfsbane. As he stepped off the elevator, he was surprised to see a familiar head of dark curls dart around the corner into the entryway.</p><p>“Hermione?”</p><p>She stopped several steps short of the receptionist’s desk, where a bored witch flipped through a magazine, and shot him a broad smile. “Remus! It’s been a long time.”</p><p>“Since Christmas, right? I didn’t realize you were back.” Though they’d had a number of early morning conversations at Grimmauld Place and the Burrow during the war and lunch pretty regularly the year after, he'd lost track of her when she went to France to study. Other than running into one another on occasional holidays at the Burrow, they hadn't talked in years.</p><p>“I returned a few months ago. Ginny finally wore me down, she’s been trying to drag me back since I left. You must be here for - “</p><p>“The Wolfsbane, yeah. It’s okay, don’t let me take you from what you’re doing, I’m sure the receptionist can get it.”</p><p>“No, no, I’ve been working on a new formulation - it’s not out to the public for another month, but it’s passed safety trials and we’re using it on the ward. It should help more with the side effects. Let me grab you some from that batch, and don’t you dare try to pay for it.” She straightened her regulation dark green Healer's robes and led him down a narrow hallway to an office - hers, by the placard.</p><p>They’d never talked much about her studies in France, and he had no idea she’d done any work with Potions. She returned a couple of minutes later with a bottle bearing a handwritten label instead of one of the hospital’s standard ones.</p><p>“Thanks, Min, this is really sweet of you. When did you start working on the Wolfsbane?” </p><p>“That nickname’s never going to die, is it?” she asked with a laugh. George had tagged the rhyme with Gin a long time ago, and now almost everyone called her that except Ron. When he chuckled and shook his head, she ran a frazzled hand through her wild black curls. “Um, the ‘Bane was the research portion of my Potions Mastery. I’m hoping I’ll be able to improve it more, this is just a start. I’ve been meaning to ask if you have time to chat about it.”</p><p>“That’s amazing, really. I’m shit at Potions, though,” he said with a wry smile.</p><p>“Oh, no, not the brewing part. I don’t really have time to go into detail now.”</p><p>“I’d love to hear about it, or just to have lunch sometime. I’ll owl you, yeah?” At her nod, he said, “Can I steal a hug before I go, for old times' sake?”</p><p>She smiled, then it fell from her face as she tensed and glanced at the wall. “Rain check on the hug, sorry.” She broke into a jog towards the locked doors of the Dai Llewellyn ward. “Patient tripped my wards.”</p><p>“See you soon!” he called with a little wave at her back. He’d have to pester Gin for details about what she was doing at Mungo’s; she’d always been one for social issues and healing research, but she never discussed an interest in werewolf care with him.</p><p>For now, though, he had a date to prepare for.</p>
<hr/><p>Remus made it to Flourish and Blotts just on time, with a flutter of first-date nerves. He ran a quick hand through his short blond-gray hair and over his neatly-trimmed beard before wandering through the store to the poetry section. A petite woman in a long-sleeved, floor-length dress the color of a good cabernet bent to tug a book from a shelf close to the bottom.</p><p>He cleared his throat, pausing a few feet away. “Joy?”</p><p>When she stood and turned around, he spotted black curls barely tamed into a thick braid that curved over her shoulder, and found himself gazing into a pair of striking, kohl-rimmed hazel eyes.</p><p>Familiar black curls. Familiar hazel eyes.</p><p>“I - um - Remus?” Hermione stepped back and bumped into the bookcase, her dusky skin turning a few shades darker than watermelon as she pressed a hand to her heart. “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. I should go.”</p><p>“Hermione, wait. Please.” As she pushed past him, he collected his wits and loosely snagged her wrist. She turned back but didn’t meet his eyes, and she was trembling. “I think it’s time to call in that rain check. Come here.”</p><p>She didn’t move, but she let him wrap her in a fierce hug. She’d always been a slip of a woman - she fit neatly against his chest, and after a second's hesitation, she buried her face in his cotton button-down.<br/>
 <br/>
“It’s alright if you still want to go in a minute, but right now you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?” When she nodded and rested her cheek against his chest so she could suck in a few breaths, he murmured, “Good girl.” He cast a wandless Muffliato charm, grateful the store had begun to empty out for the evening, and rubbed her back gently. “You’re safe with me. I’m not judging you.”</p><p>The hug and the soothing murmur of his voice seemed to calm her, and eventually she stopped trembling, her arms coming around him to cling to him like a limpet. It took her breathing longer to even out, though.</p><p>“Feel up to talking now?” Another slight nod. She smelled heavenly, like hibiscus and coconut and herbs. “Good. Do you want to sit down or stay like this?”</p><p>“Um.” She swallowed hard. Her plaintive tone made his heart ache and brought to mind her warning that she wasn’t good at feelings when she said, “C - can we stay like this?”</p><p>“Of course.” He rested his chin on her head, still stroking her back. “You should know I don’t feel any less thrilled about you, or about this meeting, than I did a few hours ago. It’s okay if you’re not attracted to me, or if you’re uncomfortable because I was your professor. But it’s not okay with me to run out just because you’re ashamed or scared.”</p><p>“But I am ashamed, Remus. And I am scared.” It came out in a small voice that made him tighten his arms around her. “I’m attracted to you, it’s not that, it’s just - “ Her voice broke and she sighed.</p><p>He had the feeling her reticence had little to do with him - other than with the fact that they knew each other - but he was relieved to hear her confirm it. “What are you so afraid of?”</p><p>“It was easier to think about doing this with someone who doesn’t know me. Someone I wouldn’t have to see again if it went badly. I still feel like I’m doing something wrong.”</p><p>“Min, there’s nothing you could ever do to lose my friendship.” He ran his fingertips up and down her spine through the silky fabric of her dress. “In fact, if we do sleep together and it goes poorly, I’m going to be a better friend and insist you write and have lunch with me more often. Somehow, I don’t think it will, though.”</p><p>“’Kay. I’m terrible about that, I know. Sorry.”</p><p>“You kind of are.” He chuckled and she gasped a little laugh. “It’s okay, though, I don’t hold it against you.”</p><p>“You know, the name John doesn’t suit you at all.”</p><p>“Joy suits you, though. And it’s my middle name, I use it for privacy.” As she relaxed further in his embrace, he asked, “Want to know what I’m thinking right now?”</p><p>“Yes, please.” It came out a quiet, earnest murmur that made him wonder what she’d sound like begging for him.</p><p>“I was thinking that you’re the loveliest vision I’ve seen lately, and you fit perfectly in my arms. That’s one mystery solved.”</p><p>She breathed another giggle. “You’re sweet. I do feel safer here.”</p><p>“Good. That’s the idea.” He stayed silent for a few minutes, enjoying the warmth of her in his arms. “Feel up to going to dinner?”</p><p>“I - I think so. Thank you for holding me.”</p><p>“There’s my brave girl.” He took her face in his hands and brushed a kiss to her forehead. “And you don’t have to thank me for that. I’m happy to hold you anytime you want.”</p><p>A pretty blush still colored her golden skin when he released her and she stepped back to look up at him, but it relieved him to find it wasn’t the deep red of the shame she’d worn earlier. </p><p>“Now, I want you to choose a book of poetry for me to read, and then we’ll head out.”</p><p>She smiled shyly and engaged him in a discussion on the Romantics while she browsed the shelves, but the book she picked out had just been published that year by a Muggle author. She marked a specific page for him. Soon enough, they paid, and he led her to the new restaurant that had recently opened up in Diagon, where he’d reserved a secluded table. Her fingers tangled with his the entire walk, and she searched out his hand again on the table when they were seated. </p><p>“I don’t think I know much about your parents. Where’s your mum from?” he asked, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. He found her tactile nature adorable.</p><p>A shadow passed over her face, but left so quickly he might have missed it. “Pakistan. They had a Church wedding, but my dad supported that she was still an observant Muslim. Most of her family disowned her when they were married, so we didn’t visit much, but she taught me Urdu growing up. I learned French when I was working on my masteries.”</p><p>“Potions and Healing? I remember we discussed your Healing courses the year before you left.” At her nod, he said, “I’ve gotten to know a different side of you through your letters, and I don’t just mean that in the obvious way. You used to talk a lot about your research interests, but you’ve never talked much about yourself.”</p><p>She shrugged one shoulder. “I got enough attention for being a hand-waving swot and Harry Potter’s best friend, you know?”</p><p>“You’re a lot more than either of those things.” He squeezed her hand and went to pour her a glass of wine when the waiter brought the bottle, but she shook her head.</p><p>“I don’t drink anymore - thank you, though. When did you start working at the Ministry?”</p><p>It relieved him to know that she'd given that up - the way she drank to cope in the aftermath of the war used to worry him. “Shortly after you left. I work in the training division of Magical Law Enforcement, it’s a good gig. Kingsley got me the position.” </p><p>“I’m glad you’re doing well, but that’s garbage.” She frowned, vehemence lacing her voice. “You were the best Defense teacher I ever had, and more skilled than most of the Order. They should have been beating your door down.”</p><p>“Yes, well, I intend to live a long life, and getting my blood pressure up over every injustice done to my kind puts a wrench in that,” he replied dryly. “Speaking of which, how'd you come to study Wolfsbane?”</p><p>“It’s a fascinating potion, and not much research has been done on it - because of the stigma but also because it’s so difficult. But the study is more of a means to an end for me.” At his questioning glance, she continued with the same vehemence, “I know they repealed Umbridge’s additions, but the original laws are still a crime. I intend to rewrite the legislation. Improving Wolfsbane compliance - with both financial access and dosing - will go a long way to getting it passed, I hope. The provisions are what I wanted to ask your input on.”</p><p>Stunned, he sat back in his chair, running a hand over his beard. “That’s - I mean, thank you, and I have a ton of faith in you, so don’t take this the wrong way. But when you aim, you really go for the impossible.”</p><p>“That’s what my boss said. With an extra helping of ‘you’re cracked, Granger, do you need a stint in Janus Thickey?’.” She snorted and took a sip of water. “Thankfully, I don’t need their support for the legislation, and the financial access piece is almost sorted. I do most of the Wolfsbane research in my off time, anyway.”</p><p>“What off time?” That had bugged him all week - not because of her slow responses, but because he couldn’t imagine it was healthy. “Your work schedule is ridiculous.”</p><p>“I get most Saturdays,” she said with a shrug.</p><p>“I know Mungo’s doesn’t require six day weeks, Min. And you can’t be doing it for the money. You must’ve gotten a number of offers with more regular hours, qualifications like yours.”</p><p>“It’s not about the money or the hours. It’s - “ She sighed and shook her head, her troubled gaze meeting his own. “Have you ever been in the Dai Llewellyn ward?”</p><p>“No, my few stints in hospital have been when I was on the potion and the registry, and never that time of month. Some of the people I ran across in the werewolf clans during the war were, though. We never discussed it.”</p><p>“I’m glad you haven’t. It’s fucking awful, Remus.” She sat back in her chair with a furrow in her brow. “Anyone who works the locked wards has to split their shifts, both to keep up their skills and because most of the staff would quit if they were assigned full time. I fulfill my other hours on Sundays in the emergency wing. I like that, too, but I spend as much time as I can in Dai Llewellyn because I can’t stomach - “ Her jaw clenched. “I love my job, and I love my patients, but it’s a good thing wizards don’t have a need for letter openers, because if I had one on my desk I’d have left a few holes in my coworkers by now.”</p><p>The fact that she’d chosen to make something so personal to him her life’s work touched his heart, but that level of emotional involvement stoked his concern. She probably wouldn’t react well to being pushed on it at the moment, though. “I’ve noticed the stigma from staff once or twice when I was there."</p><p>“It’s worse when you’re on the locked ward. We get others, acute injuries, but most werewolf patients are there for months or years,” she replied darkly. “Unfortunately, some of my coworkers don’t think the Healer’s oath applies to everyone. The patients who end up on the ward - they don’t have anyone to speak up for them except their families. And they usually end up there because their families don’t care.”</p><p>“I’m glad they have you, but that sounds stressful.” He took her hand again, tracing the lines on her palm.</p><p>“I’m fine, really. I worked at St. Anthony’s in Paris after I finished my apprenticeships - things are better down there, but not by much. I’ve gotten used to it by now.” She gave him a small smile. He believed she’d gotten used to it, but not that it was fine. “Getting to spend time with the kids more than makes up for it, they’re adorable.”</p><p>“I’m lucky my parents were supportive.” He tried to avoid dwelling on the stigma in general, and the sad thought of what it must be like for other children hadn’t crossed his mind in some time. “And though I'm curious to learn more about your work, at the moment I'm more curious as to whether you’ve made a decision.”</p><p>“A decision?” She cocked her head for a moment, then her blush returned. “Oh. Yes. I - um - I’d like to spend the evening together. If you still want to.”</p><p>“I’m glad to hear that. Where would you like to go? Yours or mine works, or we can grab a room at the Cauldron - “</p><p>“I would have asked for that if it were anyone else, but with you, my flat’s fine.” She swallowed, adding shyly, “If you’d like.”</p><p>“Of course.” He stroked the inside of her wrist before releasing her hand to settle the check, shooting her a stern glance that stilled her when she went to reach for her purse. “You’ll have to side-along me, I don’t think I’ve ever been to that part of London.”</p><p>When she took his arm to walk out, she leaned into him, and he reveled in the weight of her as he placed his hand on her back, finding himself grateful for their accidental connection.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SPOILERS BELOW.</p><p>Additional warnings for past suicide attempt, forced pregnancy (not Hermione’s), drug use and overdose, people being victim-blaming dickheads, and misogyny and rape culture in Wizarding society. There's also a teen OC whose abuse and suicide is mentioned during the story, and societal/parental neglect of werewolf children is a theme.</p><p>Also, I tend to use more outdated language for psychiatric/substance use issues in this story (e.g. addict, head case) because the wizarding society I want to paint is backwards when it comes to this stuff, and Hermione's self-talk is pretty scathing at times (she has more empathy for other people's issues than her own). However, when it comes to RL, fuck stigmatizing language (and stigma in general), yay harm reduction.</p><p>I'm writing from my own lived experience and from doing peer support for fellow trauma survivors and substance users in recovery, so I do my best to write it in a way that's sensitive and authentic (understanding that everyone's experience is different), but if you find any of these things triggering you may wish to skip.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. say yes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm glad someone besides me digs whump/hurt/comfort and gentle daddy kink - I was nervous to post because of that, but I appreciate all the love and hope you continue to enjoy the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>All you gotta do is say yes</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don't deny what you feel</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Let me undress you, baby</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Open up your mind and just rest</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm about to let you know</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You make me so, so, so</em>
</p><p>Floetry, “Say Yes”</p><p>Friday, October 15, 2004</p><p>The walk from the Apparition point at the edge of her neighborhood to her flat took several minutes, which Hermione spent trying to figure out how much of the knot in her stomach was anxiety and how much was excitement. She had both in spades; the dampness in her panties was evidence of the latter. She hoped the former wouldn’t smother it.</p><p>They quickly climbed the stairs to the second floor and she flipped the switch as they walked in, grateful that her obsessive cleanliness meant the place was already prepared for visitors. Persephone greeted them with an annoyed hoot.</p><p>“No, I didn’t bring you any mice, Seph,” she called down the hallway, shooting Remus an apologetic glance. “One sec.”</p><p>At his nod, she ducked into the spare room she’d turned into a potions lab and retrieved a treat from the bag nearby before opening her red owl’s large cage. She stroked Persephone’s feathers as the creature perched on her arm, wandering into the living room and opening the window. The owl devoured the treat and hooted at her expectantly.</p><p>“Oh, no, you lazy bint, wipe that look off your face. You’re a hunter. Go hunt things.” She shooed Persephone out the window to the sound of Remus’s full-throated laughter. He came up behind her as she closed the window and she leaned into him when he wrapped his arms around her. </p><p>“You’re adorable, did you know that?” He dipped his head to press a kiss to the side of her neck, eliciting a shiver, his hands splayed over her stomach. The soft lilt of his Irish accent rumbled through her, and some of her nervousness slipped away as she sunk into the strength of his embrace. “Who’s your safe call?”</p><p>“Ginny. Told her I’d Floo her at nine, she’s got a mobile now but the magic in their house screws with the signal. I’ll tell her it’s you so she won’t worry about me. She’s not a gossip.”</p><p>“Fuck.” He stepped back and she turned to look up at him. “She the one who suggested you place the ad?”</p><p>“If by suggested you mean nagged until I threatened to do something creative with her broomstick - ” Hermione bit down on her bottom lip. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Does she know what you wrote?” Remus kept hold of her hand, but the brush of his thumb against her palm couldn’t allay the anxiety stirred by the tension in his voice.</p><p>“God, no. You’re the only one.”</p><p>He led her to the couch and she sat next to him. “I never read the personals, but Dora’s been on a matchmaking kick as well. She sent me your ad with a pointed note about getting a life.” His lips twisted wryly. “I’m certain they didn’t set us up on purpose, they couldn’t have known, but there’s a chance Gin’s seen it. And they know I have a date tonight.”</p><p>“Oh.” Her stomach dropped, leaving far too much space for that knot in her abdomen.</p><p>“You know they’re both kinkier than your pretty curls, don’t you?” he said, cupping her cheek. “If she does know, she won’t judge. And I can talk to Dora - there’s a chance she doesn’t - “</p><p>“No, no, it’s not right to ask her to keep secrets for me.” Remus’s thumb brushed her mouth until she released her lip and gave him a tight smile. “I’ll, um - I’ll go ahead and call her. Best to get it over with.”</p><p>“It’ll be alright. I promise.” He kissed her forehead.</p><p>She tucked a bit of his certainty away to put some steel in her spine as she dropped to her knees in front of the fireplace. His breath hitched. “What?” she asked, scooping a bit of Floo powder from the canister. When she looked up at him, she couldn’t read the expression on his face.</p><p>“You’re lovely on your knees.”</p><p><em>Oh.</em> She blushed, but she couldn’t hide the smile at the thought of kneeling for him, nor the heat in her gaze as he unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves. She busied herself with tossing the powder into the fireplace, ignoring how odd she must look as she leaned in. <em>Centuries of magical experimentation and wizards couldn’t come up with a less awkward system of communication?</em></p><p>“Not a serial killer, is he?” Ginny asked by way of greeting.</p><p>“No, just a werewolf. Handsome one, though,” Hermione replied with a quirk of her lips. She so rarely got to scandalize or shock Ginny - it was usually the other way around - and she took pleasure in her friend's momentarily poleaxed expression.</p><p>“Oh my gosh. Hi, Remus!” she called loudly, before pitching her voice lower. “Talk about serendipity. I’m so glad it’s him. You kids have fun. I expect details tomorrow.”</p><p>“There will be no details,” she said just as Remus called out, “Wipe that smug smile off your face, Ginevra Tonks-Weasley.”</p><p>Ginny’s smile was indeed smug, and it grew wider. “Wait til I tell Dora! She’ll be so pleased.”</p><p>“I hate you. I’m going now.”</p><p>“Love you, too, Min! Don’t be good!”</p><p>Hermione laughed and shook her head as she withdrew from the fireplace and rose to her feet, brushing herself off. Though still crinkled in amusement, Remus’s eyes held that same intensity when they met hers.</p><p>“Stop abusing your mouth,” he said with a note of sternness that made her realize she’d been chewing her lip again - and put a slick in her panties. “Come here and let me kiss it better.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” A shy smile tugged at the corners as she rounded the coffee table to where he’d sprawled on her gray suede couch. She slipped off her heels and straddled his lap, her dress pooling around her thighs.</p><p>He slid a hooked finger under her chin and drew her into a gentle kiss. She wound her arms around his neck, playing with the hair at his nape as she worked up the courage to tap his lips with her tongue. He allowed her entrance, and as she got lost in the depths of his mouth, his tongue curling around hers, she became aware of the sensation of his hands on her hips and the hard length of his cock through the dark jeans he wore. She canted her hips, sucking at his tongue when he deepened the kiss and claimed her mouth.</p><p>As a shudder ran through her, he tightened an arm around her waist, lifting her a few inches from his lap and pinning her against his torso. She breathed a choked whimper. “Please, Daddy. I need you,” she begged, not caring how the words or the pleading tone made her sound.</p><p>“Oh, I can see that,” he murmured as he nipped and licked her skin, making her squirm in his arms. “I heard Ginny’s instructions, but you want to be a good girl for me, don’t you?”</p><p>She nodded, moaning when he fluttered his tongue over her pulse. “I do, I just - “</p><p>“Shh, I know. Don’t worry, I told you I’d take care of you, and I always will.” He nuzzled her neck. “I want you to be patient. Can you do that for me?”</p><p>“I’ll try.” She did her best to still her writhing.</p><p>“That’s my girl. Merlin, you’re a little firecracker. When was the last time someone kissed you properly?”</p><p>“Um, I’ve never been kissed quite like that. But it’s been a dry year and a half.” She ran hesitant fingers through his hair. “That - that’s not a problem, is it? I know I’m not as experienced - “ </p><p>He put a finger to her lips, capturing her gaze with his. “Nothing about you is a problem, angel. Understood?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” Viktor and Ron had not prepared her for this, and her forays afterward had been horrific and then rather boring, souring her on the whole idea. She felt a rush of relief that he wasn’t put off by that.</p><p>“Good.” He punctuated the word with a bite that made her gasp and clutch at his shoulders. The tender jolt of pain brought a fresh wave of wetness, but he was careful not to break her skin.</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ,” she whimpered, his answering chuckle a hum as he soothed the mark with his tongue, making her shudder again. She’d gotten herself off earlier in the week, but it wasn’t the same as having someone else’s hands and mouth on her - that kindled a deep, insistent ache in her core. “Please, I don’t want you to stop, but that’s - I’m close. You’re not helping.”</p><p>“Even without me against you? Interesting.” The tone of his voice was a heady mixture of curiosity, amusement, and something predatory that made her belly clench. “While I look forward to seeing how many times I can make you come without touching you, those experiments will have to wait. Up with you.”</p><p>She stood on shaky legs, grateful for the way his hand curled around her hip to steady her.</p><p>“Will you show me your room?” He interlaced his fingers with hers, staying close.</p><p>Nodding, she pointed out the kitchen and adjoining dining area and then led him down the hallway, indicating the bathroom and her lab before she came to the last door. The flat was small, but elegantly furnished, and she wondered what he thought when she let him into her room. It was airy and expansive, with just a queen bed, a dresser, and the nightstands. Gauzy cream curtains and bed linens complemented the muted sage walls, and a plush rug covered the wood floor. She flicked on a lamp to join the moonlight filtering in through the curtains, since the overhead light would feel too harsh.</p><p>He didn’t say anything at first, just kicked his shoes off and ran his knuckles over her cheek. Then, “Do you trust me, Hermione?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” </p><p>She leaned into his touch, letting her eyes flutter closed as he ran his fingers down her jaw and over her neck, gently pushing her dress from her shoulders. Her arms slipped from the sleeves, the wrapped bodice loose enough to slide over her hips and down to the floor once he untied the sash that held it. She stood in a black lace bra and panties, feeling exposed and vulnerable - scary, but also thrilling. When his fingertips trailed down between the valley of her breasts and he cupped one, brushing his thumb against her nipple through the fabric, she breathed a quiet gasp.</p><p>“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.</p><p>“If you say so.” She knew she had a pretty face, but she was small and spare, her hourglass frame mostly muscle with slight curves. That and her scars always made her self-conscious.</p><p>“I do.” He tipped her head up and leaned down to nuzzle his nose to hers, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. “I want you to take down your glamor.”</p><p>She clenched and unclenched her hands first, debating whether to refuse. Then she did as he asked, a light shiver rippling through her as he traced the beginning of Dolohov’s curse scar along her collarbone. She used glamors when the cut of her clothing would show too much, and she’d kept them up with others she dated because her scars were usually a turnoff.</p><p>“Thank you, little one.” His lips found her temple and he stroked her side. “Now, there’s another mystery I’m in suspense about.”</p><p>“Ah,” she said with a soft laugh, unclasping her bra and shrugging out of it before she turned to bare her back to him.</p><p>He inhaled sharply, following the curve of branches and the scatter of lavender blossoms over her shoulder blades with his hands. “This is lovely. What kind of tree is it?”</p><p>“Jacaranda. My mother’s favorite, though she’d be scandalized by the tattoo. They’re not native to Pakistan, but they’re often planted there. I got it done shortly after I moved to France.”</p><p>As his hand followed the curve of the trunk along her spine, she felt the moment he noticed the other adornment in the low light, and she flinched reflexively when he traced the first couple of scars. She’d tried to repair the damage, but even with the newer salves she developed there were still a handful of faded stripes scattered noticeably from her back to her upper thighs. It had been too much to hope that the ink would serve as distraction and concealment.</p><p>Though he’d have sensed the magic if she’d tried to hide them and that would have prompted its own uncomfortable conversation, she regretted dropping the full glamor when he asked, “What happened here, Min?”</p><p>“I learned that I don’t like canes.” The bitter, humorless retort came out before she could filter herself. Years of therapy and self-defense training had helped her process some of what happened and reconnect with her body, but even with that she couldn’t bring herself to talk about it with anyone else, couldn’t handle what might happen if she did. Distancing and cynicism were still the best defenses she had for some memories.</p><p>“Who the fuck did this to you? Why weren’t you at least healed properly?” He came around to face her, tipping her head up. The fury in his eyes told her he knew exactly the kind of force and damage it took to create scars like that.</p><p>She closed her own tightly for a long moment, wrapping her arms around herself. Once she’d gotten over her nervousness, she was glad that her correspondent turned out to be Remus, but now she started to regret that, too. If only because he was protective to a fault. </p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it. It was a long time ago. I’m fine now.” It came out in a whisper, but she finally met his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t push. She didn’t want him to leave, but she would make him if she had to. “Please stop asking me.”</p><p>He softened when his gaze locked on hers, wrapping her in his arms. “Okay. Alright, sweet girl.” She nuzzled into his shirt, seeking the sense of safety she’d found earlier. </p><p>She worried that his willingness to let it go was only temporary, but it still helped her relax, and she tugged the shirt free of his jeans so she could slip her hands beneath it and stroke the bare skin of his back. There was something erotic about the power difference of being almost naked while he was still clothed.</p><p>After a while he walked her towards the bed and sat on the edge, pulling her to stand between his legs and casting a cushioning charm on the rug. “Kneel for me, baby girl.”</p><p>She complied, cuddling in against his leg and pressing her cheek to his thigh. When he removed the tie that held her braid and unraveled it, sinking his hand into her hair, she gave a happy little wriggle.</p><p>“Does that feel good?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy.” The word had begun to feel less awkward in her mouth, especially when she saw the look on his face when she said it, like he’d been waiting a long time to hear it. Like he needed this as much as she did.</p><p>“Would it bother you if I call you kitten?” At the shake of her head, his broad smile made her look forward to surprising him one day with her Animagus form. “Good, because those mewls you’re making are going straight to my cock. And I don’t think I’ve ever met a little girl who liked being petted so much.”</p><p>She blushed and hid her face against his thigh, prompting a chuckle from him. </p><p>“Do you like this? Being my submissive as well as my girl?” He combed his fingers through her hair with infinite tenderness. </p><p>“Yes. I need that.”</p><p>“Good. I love it, too.” She closed her eyes, the weight of his hand and the sound of his voice soothing her and making heat pool in her belly. “Do you still want me to have authority over you outside of the bedroom as well?”</p><p>“Yes, please. I - I like that you want to take care of me,” she admitted. “And I like it when you’re strict, when you tell me what to do.”</p><p>“That makes me happy to hear,” he replied, his palm resting against her cheek. “That isn’t total, by any means, but I look forward to taking care of you in other parts of your life. Tell me if anything I say doesn’t feel right and we’ll talk about it. Okay?” At her nod, he continued, “Are you a masochist, Min?”</p><p>“I - um. It turns me on to be hurt some, and when it’s hard, sometimes it’s also an emotional release. But I don’t get off on the pain itself, exactly. It’s more like - I don’t know. The endorphins, and what you make the pain mean. Does that make sense?”</p><p>“Yes.” He grazed her jaw with his thumb, then brushed her hair back from her face. “I only have a few rules right now. You’re not to come or touch yourself without my permission from now on, and you’re not to hold back with me. I love your eagerness. If I want you still or quiet, you’ll know. If something we do makes you uncomfortable or stops being pleasurable or cathartic, you’ll tell me, even if you feel like you can bear it and you don’t want to use your safe word. Trust me to decide if we need to change things. Can you do that?”</p><p>“Yes, sir. I promise.” She nuzzled further into his lap, breathing him in, the scent of something woodsy - cedar, maybe, or vetiver. And something uniquely masculine, uniquely him. She’d always thought pheromones were nonsense, even though she knew the science behind them, but the river in her panties suggested it might be time to revisit that skepticism.</p><p>“Good. I quite like hearing Daddy and sir coming from your sweet mouth, but it’s alright if you want to use my name. And I expect you to ask me when you need or want things. It pleases me when you let me take care of you, even if it’s something you’re shy about, or used to doing yourself. Okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir. Um - I know we talked about not regressing, but does it bother you that I’m different around you? It’s only - I like that you make me feel safe to be this way. But I don’t want to make things weird, or - “</p><p>“Shh, little one. You don’t need to be self-conscious. It’s okay if you slip into a different space when we’re together. I like you just the way you are.”</p><p>“Thank you.” His words reassured her, but she still blushed again when she asked, “Pretty please, may I taste your cock?”</p><p>“Not yet, eager kitten.” He groaned and fisted his hand in her hair when she ran her mouth along his hard length through the material of his jeans, drawing a moan from her. “Do you like having your hair pulled?”</p><p>The rough tug he gave her when he asked it made her press her thighs together. When she nodded, he wrenched her up from the floor and laid her over his lap, drawing a gasp of both pain and surprise.</p><p>“Do you think it’s fun to be a tease, little girl?” It came out in a threatening tone that made her shiver with want.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Daddy, I didn’t mean to,” she whispered, squirming a little over his lap.</p><p>“Oh, I know. But after you had your face buried in my trousers like that, I have a hard time believing you’re really sorry. You can’t control yourself, can you?”</p><p>“N - no, sir. I need you so badly. I’ll try harder to be good, I promise.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, angel, I’m not upset with you. I like seeing how out of control you get.” Hearing the desire in his voice made her less afraid of truly displeasing him - but she thought she’d enjoy this game. “Does Daddy need to teach you a lesson?”</p><p>“Yes, please.” </p><p>He slid his hand between her thighs and nudged them apart until she was spread obscenely, drawing a hiss of need. She shifted a little so she wasn’t pressed right up against his leg, even though all she wanted to do was grind her clit on his jeans.</p><p>“Keep these legs spread,” he instructed, rubbing her ass through her panties. “If I see you close them, you’ll be getting a much more difficult lesson. Is that understood?”</p><p>God, he could talk her most of the way to orgasm without even putting his hands on her. “Yes, Daddy. I’ll do my best.”</p><p>“I know you will.” When he drew his finger along the gusset, she gasped and tried to shift away from his hand so she wouldn't be tempted to seek out more friction, but kept her legs open. Being patient was a fucking trial. “Such a messy girl. These panties are soaked and I’ve barely touched you.”</p><p>She was working up an answer through the haze of arousal when his hand came down on her ass, and she whimpered. He warmed her up slowly, rubbing her ass through the thin lace every few strikes. The gentle bite of the pain gave her something else to focus on, but still stoked her arousal.</p><p>“Look at you, dripping down your thighs.” The embarrassment as he ran his fingers through the wetness along her skin made her blush deepen, which only heightened her need. “Do you need a firmer hand, kitten?”</p><p>“Yes, please, but I need to come so badly, Daddy. I’m aching.”</p><p>“I can see that. Keep taking your spanking so well and I’ll think about letting you when we’re through.” </p><p>As he lit into her harder, she couldn’t suppress her moans, and they became little cries when the heat grew and he cracked a few harsh blows. “Shh,” he murmured, soothing her with his hands, before he gave her pussy a slap that made her jerk.</p><p>“Fucking hell.”</p><p>“Did you come just now?” He ran his hand up and down her inner thigh.</p><p>“No, sir. I’m so close, though.”</p><p>“I bet you are, but I’m proud of you for obeying me.” She felt him slide her panties aside and run his fingers through her folds, avoiding her clit. When he pressed those fingers to her lips, she sucked them deep into her mouth. “Oh, that’s what you needed? Something to fill that pretty mouth?”</p><p>She shuddered as he gave her ass a few more hard smacks, her little cries muffled on his fingers as she laved them with her tongue. It took all of her strength not to press her thighs together, and she squirmed on his lap, craving relief from the raw need awoken by his touch. When he teased at her entrance with one finger, she rocked her hips against his hand.</p><p>“There’s my little kitten in heat,” he murmured, giving her that finger and stroking her inner walls. “You can’t think about anything else, can you?”</p><p>She gasped as his hand slipped from her mouth, spreading her thighs wider, seeking more of his touch. “Please, Daddy, I need it. I need you to fuck me.”</p><p>“I can tell, baby girl. It’s okay, you can come on my hand. Show me how much you need it.” A second finger pressed inside of her, the delicious stretch and the drag of his calloused skin against her walls making her tremble. </p><p>“Harder, please,” she begged, grinding herself on him, grateful when he pressed his other hand to her mouth again. She suckled his fingers as he fucked her, but tensed as she got close, afraid of the force of her orgasm.</p><p>“Oh, no, angel. I told you not to hold back.” He fucked her rougher, faster in response, even as she clamped down on him. “Give it up for me. I want all of it.”</p><p>She squirted on his fingers when she came with a gasping moan, and he kept fucking her, making her gush over his hand for a few more moments. He pulled his hand from her mouth and ran it through her hair as she went limp, gasping and shuddering.</p><p>“Such a good girl,” he crooned, caressing her ass and her thighs. When his fingertips ran along her center, brushing her clit, she jerked and tried to close her legs before she could stop herself. He forced them apart and she whimpered as he gave her pussy a sharp slap. “What did I say?”</p><p>“I - I’m sorry, sir, I’m so sensitive, I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>“I know you are, but good little girls keep their legs spread. I want access to this pussy at all times, and I want to see just how messy you are.” His words made her blush as he stroked the wet skin of her thighs before slowly working his way towards her center. “I think you’ve got more for me, don’t you?”</p><p>“Oh, God,“ She gave a strangled moan when he ran his finger along her slit, circling her clit. “It’s too much - “</p><p>“Shh, kitten." He tapped her clit lightly, sending fire through her nerves. The urge to squirm away slowly became the urge to press into him, and she spread herself wide again, rocking her hips to chase the sensation. “There you go, just let go and feel. You don’t need to worry about anything but my hand on you.”</p><p>Her curses turned into helpless moans and pleas as his fingers slipped over her clit, stroking her again and again, until she gave a sharp cry and shattered, losing all sense of herself. The relentless stimulation made her wet his hand once more, and as the waves subsided, she begged him to stop. He let up on her clit, still stroking her inner thighs and running his other hand through her curls.</p><p>“You did so well, baby girl.” The praise drew a happy shiver, and she was adrift in sensation. “How do you feel?”</p><p>“Mm. Floaty. Wet. Thank you, Daddy.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.” When he put his fingers to her mouth, she lapped him clean until he groaned. “You’re so sexy, the way you let go and give me everything.”</p><p>She mewled, curling her tongue around them. As he took them from her, she gave a little whine of protest.</p><p>“That greedy mouth is going to be the death of me," he said with a laugh. "Come here.”</p><p>He helped her to sit in his lap and she curled up in his arms, pressing her mouth to his, fisting her hands in his shirt as he kissed her.</p><p>“You’re delicious,” he murmured against her mouth, nipping her bottom lip. “So sweet, it’s intoxicating.”</p><p>He lifted her and laid her back on the bed, stretching out next to her and propping himself on an elbow. When she saw the wet spot she’d left on his jeans and the duvet she hid her face against his shoulder, drawing another chuckle from him. He kissed her forehead, tracing her brow and her cheekbone and her jawline with a fingertip, letting his hand drift along her collarbone and down her arm. The tenderness of it elicited a contented sigh, and she cuddled into him.</p><p>“Happy, angel?”</p><p>“Mhm. You?”</p><p>“Very much so.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. follow my lead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Girl, you know I want your love</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Your love was handmade for somebody like me</em>
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  <em>Come on, now, follow my lead</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I may be crazy, don't mind me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Say, boy, let's not talk too much</em>
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  <em>Grab on my waist and put that body on me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Come on, now, follow my lead</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Come, come on, now, follow my lead</em>
</p><p>Ed Sheeran, “Shape of You”</p><p>Friday, October 15, 2004</p><p>“Daddy?”</p><p>Hermione’s soft voice answered the question of whether she’d fallen asleep in the wake of her explosive orgasms. She’d been cuddled into Remus while he stroked her for about a quarter of an hour, so quiet except for her little noises of contentment that he wasn’t sure.</p><p>“Yes, baby girl?” He brushed a kiss to her temple, grateful she’d gotten over her shyness enough to feel comfortable calling him that. The sound often made him hard and always warmed his heart.</p><p>She tilted her head to brush her lips against his jaw, her hand cupping his cheek and running through his beard as she met his eyes.</p><p>“What makes you happy?” She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, that unconscious gesture that meant she was uncertain. “I just mean - I know what I like about this, what I get out of it, but I want to understand why you like it.”</p><p>He laid his palm against her cheek, tracing her mouth with his thumb and kissing her sweetly. Resting his forehead against hers, he let his hand drift down over her torso, skimming the scar that bisected it and curling around her hip.</p><p>“The things you need, I need them, too. It makes me happy to be your safe place, to know you trust me to take care of you and to have authority over you. I like holding you and comforting you, and you make me feel special when you call me daddy. And you’ve surprised me in a good way with how eager and willing you are to lose control with me. I like being the one who gets to make you do that.” He dipped his head to leave a soft, open-mouthed kiss on her shoulder. “I love how sweet and innocent and curious you are, too. The fact that you enjoy a bit of depravity just makes it more adorable,” he added, prompting a giggle. </p><p>“You’re distilled sunshine, Min.” He nuzzled at her neck, leaving a trail of kisses over her skin. “I was surprised to see you in the bookstore, but I’m so, so glad it’s you. And I’m glad you stayed. You do bring me joy, little one.”</p><p>He could hear the smile in her voice. “I’m glad it’s you, too. And that you made me feel safe enough to stay.”</p><p>She rolled onto her side, facing him, her fingers working at the buttons of his shirt. He sensed that she liked the vulnerability of being naked with him - and he liked that, too - but he didn’t mind shedding a little clothing when her hands ran down his chest and her mouth brushed his collarbone. She traced a few of the faint scars that criss-crossed his skin, grazing his nipple with her fingertips. He growled when she sucked it into her mouth, letting her push the shirt back from his shoulders, but when her hands found the button of his jeans, he caught them with his own, rolling her onto her back and pinning her wrists above her head.</p><p>“Daddy....” She shivered as he knelt between her thighs and nipped at her neck, licking and then biting down. “Please.” She arched up to him with a little whimper.</p><p>“What is it, kitten?” He traced the shell of her ear with his tongue, grazing it with his teeth. “What’s got you so frustrated?”</p><p>“You know what,” she moaned as he laved her pulse.</p><p>“Do I, now?” he teased, giving her another tender bite that left her writhing.</p><p>“I need you.” Her thighs squeezed his hips as she rocked up to him, and he gave her the friction she wanted, feeling her heat through the soaked lace and denim that separated them.</p><p>“What do you need from me, little one?” He let go of her hands so he could move further down, taking her nipple into his mouth and flicking his tongue against it. </p><p>She hissed, tangling her hands in his hair. “I need your cock inside of me. Pretty please, I’ll be good, I promise.”</p><p>“You’re being very good, but I think you need to wait a bit,” he murmured, tugging her panties down and tossing them aside.</p><p>She shivered as the air hit her flesh and he swirled his tongue around her other nipple. “I don’t want to wait,” she pouted, clutching at him and shuddering.</p><p>He kissed her stomach, nuzzling her until she gave a soft giggle at the ticklish sensation, then tracing her hipbone with his tongue. “You’re so little and tight. I don’t want to hurt you.” The way she moaned again and spread her legs wider as his hand trailed down the outside of her thigh prompted an interesting train of thought.</p><p>She confirmed it when she said, “But I liked it when you stretched me on your fingers, Daddy. I want more.” </p><p>He groaned softly against her skin, the reverberation making her giggle again. “While I greatly appreciate that we share that particular kink - “ Settling himself between her legs, he draped one over his shoulder and kissed the inside of her knee, lapping up the wetness along her thigh. “I’m afraid my cock is a bit bigger than my fingers, angel.”</p><p>She gazed down at him, eyes dark. “Please,” she whispered, the word turning to a whimper as he worked his way closer to her center, his beard brushing her skin. “I want you.”</p><p>“I know, baby girl.” He drew back just to repeat the motion with her other leg, cleaning her juices from her thigh with his tongue. “I can see you wetting the duvet. Does it turn you on so much to think about me claiming you?”</p><p>“Yes,” she whispered, canting her hips but meeting empty air. “God, please - “</p><p>“You’re so pretty, my needy, messy little girl,” he murmured, nuzzling her center, letting the gentle prickle of his facial hair tease her. “Don’t worry. We’ll work up to it until you can take Daddy’s big cock, okay?”</p><p>“Fuck,” she whimpered as his tongue dipped into her from core to clit. He had the feeling more than a little of the rush of slick he felt had to do with his words, not just his mouth. “Please, Daddy. Please fill my pussy, I’m aching for you.”</p><p>“Patience, little kitten. I’m going to take care of you. You don’t have to try to control yourself right now, you can come as much as you need to.”</p><p>“Thank you, sir.” She gasped softly as he lapped at her center, then slid one finger inside of her.</p><p>He stroked her slowly, nuzzling her hip while she rocked against his hand, drinking in the sight of her body flushed and open to him. Her inky curls fanned across the cream pillows and her eyes fluttered closed, her expression somewhere between rapturous and pained with need. She tangled her hands in his hair but didn’t try to force his movements, and he enjoyed the gentle touch.</p><p>When he started to work a second finger in again, she quivered. “This is what you needed, isn’t it? You needed Daddy to fuck you?” he murmured, thrusting into her scorching heat slowly while her walls undulated around him. </p><p>She nodded, her eyes still closed, a little cry escaping her when his tongue circled her clit. As he sucked it into his mouth, she gasped and then cried out louder, coming on his hand. He lapped at her clit as she rode out her climax, releasing it when the waves subsided but keeping his fingers buried in her. </p><p>“That’s my girl.”</p><p>“Jesus Christ, Remus,” she breathed with a soft laugh, gazing down at him, heavy-lidded. “That felt amazing.”</p><p>“Good.” He smiled at her, pressing a kiss to her hipbone. “I’m going to get up, but I want you to keep your legs on my shoulders. Can you do that?” </p><p>At her nod, he slowly moved back up her body but left his hand where it was, propping himself above her with his other arm. She was flexible enough that her legs straightened and he could lean forward, and when he rocked his fingers into her this time, he could tell how deep she felt it by how she shuddered.</p><p>“Fucking hell,” she gasped, winding her arms around his neck and clutching at him.</p><p>“Too much?” </p><p>“N - no, please don’t stop,” she begged. He got the sense that she liked ‘too much,’ which suited him just fine.</p><p>“Don’t worry, baby girl. I’m going to make you feel good.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, slowly working a third finger into her. “I want you to relax for me, you don’t need to do anything. Just let me take care of you.” </p><p>She took a deep breath and when she let it out, he was able to slide deeper inside. “Oh, God - “</p><p>“There’s a good girl, that's nice, isn't it?” He let her adjust to the sensation before he started to thrust, slow and deep, dragging breathless moans from her throat. “You like it when I fuck you deep, don’t you, kitten? Think about how good it’s going to feel to take my cock inside.”</p><p>Her whimpers intensified as he gave it to her a little more quickly after a while, her arms tightening around his neck. “Please, please - “</p><p>It was like she’d lost the ability to say anything else, and even the begging left her when he became more forceful, leaving nothing but her moans and the wet sound of her around his fingers. “I want you to come for me again, baby girl. Don’t hold back,” he whispered, brushing his lips against her brow. </p><p>His quicker thrusts carried her over the edge and she flooded his hand, the climax dragging out for long moments as he fucked her until she stopped shuddering. “Oh - “ she gasped as he withdrew. When he lowered her legs, she buried her face in his neck, clinging to him.</p><p>He slid an arm under her back, carefully rolling until she lay on top of him and hugging her close. Casting a warming charm over her since he didn’t want to disturb her by worrying about the blankets, he rubbed her back gently.</p><p>He’d meant every word he said earlier. He was self-aware enough to know the minute he set eyes on her in the bookstore that he couldn't do this without getting attached, though that didn’t bother him. He would be happy to fulfill whatever role she let him. It called to mind her admission of being bad at feelings, though. The way she gave herself so freely in most things made him wonder if that was really the case. </p><p>But he’d also seen the places where she held back, and as he sensed the slight, soft ridges of her scars beneath his hands, he felt a rush of protectiveness. The pain in her voice, along with the inevitable mental images of what must have happened, made his chest hurt. But she’d been on the verge of shutting down completely at his questions.</p><p>She drew him from his musings when she calmed and lifted her head just enough to press a kiss to his cheek. He turned to capture her mouth, brushing his lips chastely to hers. “Alright, angel?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy.” She tucked her head against his shoulder with a kittenish yawn, cuddling close and radiating contentment. “That was - I don’t think there are words for what that was.”</p><p>He chuckled, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I’m glad you liked it. Do you think you’ve recovered enough to walk?”</p><p>“Maybe.” She nuzzled her cheek to him, her curls a soft tickle against his skin. “Where am I going?”</p><p>“To get ready for bed. Go do whatever you need to. No clothes allowed, though.” When she frowned and hesitated, he asked, “What is it?”</p><p>“I lost count of how many times I came, but you - “</p><p>“Shh. You’ve pleased me, don’t worry.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Because - “</p><p>“Hush, little girl. I’m not a 16 year old boy. I do look forward to coming with you, but I don’t need that to enjoy having sex with you. Got it?” The furrow in her brow eased a bit and she nodded. He hugged her close and then gave her a playful swat on her ass. “Good. Hurry back.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” She dropped a quick kiss on his lips and he held her hand as she got up, making sure she was steady before she disappeared down the hallway.</p><p>As she let in her owl, he ducked into her bath, taking care of his ablutions. When she traded places with him, he wandered back into her room and dug his phone out, tapping a message to John Dawlish. The man had taken over as Head Auror when Robards retired and ran security at the kink club on the side, where he and his wife Isobel were pillars of the community. Concern crowded out whatever hesitation he might have had about invading Hermione's privacy. Besides, John was a good friend, and Remus trusted him to be discreet.</p><p>‘Have you ever seen Hermione Granger at the Sanctuary? 3-4 years back, maybe longer. Keep this to yourself.’</p><p>His phone buzzed with a quick answer. ‘No, I’d remember her. But she could have come in on one of my nights off, or when I was distracted with something. I can check old liability releases.’</p><p>‘Please do, but don’t ask around. Someone hurt her, and she’s skittish as hell about it.’ He was grateful they had enough history that he didn’t have to go into detail.</p><p>‘Got it. Go the fuck to sleep.’</p><p>Shaking his head, he turned his mobile off and tucked it into his jeans, stripping down to his boxers and cleansing her bedspread before he turned it down. She followed him in a couple of minutes later, standing between his legs where he sat on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“I don’t even get to see it?” she asked incredulously.</p><p>He laughed and tapped her nose. “If you behave and get some sleep, I’ll show you in the morning.”</p><p>“That’s not fair.” Her pout made him certain that, lack of regression and brattiness or no, Hermione Granger was definitely a little. He loved discovering this side of her.</p><p>“Hate to break it to you, kitten, but whoever told you the ‘exchange’ in ‘power exchange’ was fair lied to you.” He gave her hair a light tug, standing and tossing her onto the bed. He climbed on top of her and tickled her until she laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe, then peppered her face with kisses while she recovered. “I know you’ve got to be sleepy.”</p><p>“Mm,” she murmured, shifting to slide under the blankets. When he stretched out next to her, she snuggled in against his side, resting her head on his chest. “But I don’t want this to end. Can you stay tomorrow?”</p><p>“Of course, as long as you want. I don’t have to be anywhere until Sunday.”</p><p>“’Kay.” She yawned and rubbed her cheek against his chest. “Night, Daddy.”</p><p>“Night, angel. Sweet dreams.” By the time he finished the sentence and kissed her forehead, she was asleep.</p><hr/><p>Remus scaled the steps to Hermione’s apartment and let himself back in quietly, but the padding of her feet down the hallway told him she’d woken.</p><p>“There you are!” </p><p>He levitated the bag and cups he was balancing to the coffee table so she could wrap her arms around him. “I was only gone fifteen minutes. I left you a note,” he said with a chuckle, tipping her head up to kiss her.</p><p>“I saw it. Still missed you.” She shrugged one shoulder. When she spotted the cups, she gave a little bounce and added, “You’re totally one hundred percent forgiven though. Which one’s mine?”</p><p>He pointed. “I still need to master the percolator so I figured I’d just go down and ask what you like. I was assured this was your favorite.”</p><p>“Did they remember the rainbow sprinkles? Please tell me they remembered.” She perched on the edge of the couch and popped the cup open with a look of wonder. “Yay! You’re the best,” she mumbled through a mouthful of sprinkle-laden whipped cream.</p><p>“And you’re so sweet I don’t even need honey in mine to get a sugar rush,” he teased, sitting down next to her and kissing a bit of whipped cream from her nose. “Now I know where you get all your energy, though. That’s an even worse abomination than the way you make your tea.”</p><p>“Milk and sugar are perfectly acceptable things to put in tea, Remus,” she informed him seriously as he handed her a breakfast sandwich.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s just that most people have tea with the milk and sugar.” He shook his head, laughing. “Did you sleep okay?”</p><p>“Yes. Thank you for breakfast, Daddy.” She snuggled in against him, clad in nothing but an old Depeche Mode t-shirt, propping her bare legs on the table and taking a long swallow of coffee. At least, he thought there might be coffee somewhere underneath all the sugar.</p><p>“You’re welcome, baby girl.” </p><p>The relaxed way she said it told him she didn’t recall waking sobbing around three, begging him over and over not to hurt her. It had taken her several minutes to recognize him, and she apologized and told him she didn’t have nightmares that often, panicking when he tried to get her to take a dreamless sleep potion. He still couldn’t shake the sound of her pleas, and he hoped John got a chance to check the club records soon.</p><p>When she was done eating he asked to see her research on the Wolfsbane Potion and the history of anti-werewolf legislation. She curled up on his lap while they discussed some of the changes she wanted to make, which ranged from broader marriage and employment rights to full education. It was ambitious to the point of, yes, impossibility, but her stubbornness was one of the things he’d always liked about her.</p><p>“How do you think they’ll ever come around to integrated schooling, though? I only got into Hogwarts because of Dumbledore, and because my parents were supportive. And the drain of the change plus the side effects from the Wolfsbane knock out almost a week of classes a month.”</p><p>“I’m kind of hoping I can just throw money at the problem,” she said with a shrug. “Harry’s money plus my Order of Merlin funds, with six years of interest that’ll keep growing - well. I’m signing papers soon to set up an endowment fund. At first it’ll just be for Wolfsbane access - free for anyone who wants it. And a couple of welfare programs I want to see implemented by the Department, if I can get approval. But if I can reduce the dosage schedule so the kids are out of commission for fewer days, then I ought to have a leg to stand on with insisting on additional facilities and staff for during the change, and tutoring hours to cover the days that they’re out. And worst case, if I can’t get the Wizengamot or the Board of Governors to back it, then I’ll demand they improve the curriculum for the kids on the ward, at least. Muggle institutions manage it, there’s no excuse for the fact that we don’t.”</p><p>When he managed to pick his jaw up off the floor, he said, “That’s - “ <em>The most generous thing anyone’s ever done for me.</em> He swallowed the swell of emotion that thought brought up. He knew it wasn’t only because of him, but it still felt like a gift. “That’s actually pretty brilliant.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she said with a shy smile, leaning in to kiss him. </p><p>His intention to ask about the welfare programs flew out of his head when she snuck her tongue into his mouth, tasting more like chocolate than espresso, and something uniquely her. He caressed her tongue with his own, deepening the kiss until she squirmed in his lap and mewled into his mouth. When he broke the kiss and brushed her hair aside to nip at her earlobe, she shivered.</p><p>“You know, I think you forgot to put on panties this morning, kitten.” He slid his hand up the inside of her thigh as her legs parted for him. “Eager to soak my jeans again, are you?”</p><p>“I was feeling optimistic, yeah,” she said with a quirk of her lips, and he bit her neck until she gasped. “Fucking hell.”</p><p>“Just so we’re clear, you can wet my hand and my clothes all you want, but you’re not to come unless my mouth’s on you or my cock’s in you.”</p><p>“Y - yes, sir,” she whimpered, spreading herself wider when his fingers ghosted along her slit. “I’ll try to be good. Does that mean I get to have your cock inside of me?”</p><p>“I know you will. And we’ll see.” He kissed her temple. “Are you sore, little one?”</p><p>“Only a little tender.” She nuzzled into his neck, pressing soft kisses there. “Please, Daddy, I want to taste you.”</p><p>“I suppose you have been very patient. Seeing that shirt on you gives me a new appreciation for one of my favorite bands, but I think it needs to come off and you need to get on your knees. What do you think?”</p><p>Her answer was to nod, tear it over her head, and settle herself between his legs in such a quick flurry of movement that he couldn’t help laughing. She blushed and caught her lip between her teeth when she met his eyes, and before she could get trapped in her head, he wound her hair around his fist and dragged her head into his lap. She moaned and rubbed her cheek against him through the denim. As she unzipped his jeans, he shifted to help her free him.</p><p>The way her blush deepened and she licked her lips made him wonder what was going through her mind. But she just surprised him by ducking her head to take his balls in her mouth, sucking and tonguing them with such voraciousness it was like she hadn’t just eaten an hour before.</p><p>“Goddamn, little girl,” he groaned, grateful to have a decent amount of experience delaying orgasm and managing arousal. He had the feeling her mouth would test that ability on a regular basis. “What you’re doing with your tongue right now should be illegal.”</p><p>She released him with a soft pop, gazing up at him with those doe eyes and nuzzling at his shaft. It was like she wanted to cover herself in his scent, or like she was a kitten and he was her new favorite toy. <em>That might be an accurate assessment.</em> </p><p>“You taste so good, Daddy,” she murmured, dragging her tongue up the underside of his rock-hard length and lapping up his pre-cum.</p><p>“Do I? Did I meet your expectations?” he teased, stroking her cheek. She took the head of his cock into her mouth by way of answer, swirling her tongue around it as she wrapped her small hand around the base of his shaft. “There you go, baby girl. You look so pretty on your knees with my cock in your mouth.”</p><p>Her moans reverberated through his shaft as she sucked him eagerly, pumping him with her hand and taking him deeper with each stroke. He kept as still as he could manage, but found himself panting by the time he hit the back of her mouth. She kept on like that for a bit, her tongue caressing him and her hand still pumping the base of his shaft where she couldn’t reach, but eventually tried to take him into her throat. He dragged her off of him with a shudder, not missing her whimper as she pressed her thighs together, nor the scent of her arousal that stirred his wolfish senses.</p><p>“Get up here,” he said with another tug of her hair. She complied, straddling his legs, and he pinned her against his torso the way he had the night before so she couldn’t sink down on him. He caught her little whimper of frustration in a kiss, but she didn’t try to fight his grip. “Can you come from doing that?”</p><p>“I haven’t before, but - but I think I maybe could. With you.”</p><p>“You’re a revelation, you know that?” He cupped her cheek with the hand that wasn’t holding her still, resting his forehead against hers. “We’ll have to experiment with that sometime soon. Do you like deepthroating, or were you trying because you think that’s what I want?”</p><p>She bit her lip. “I wanted to make you happy.”</p><p>He wrapped both arms around her, kissing her cheek. “You do make me happy. Your eagerness is sexy as hell, the way you nuzzle and rub against me, your sweet mouth, those little noises you make. And I can smell how wet you are, it’s intoxicating. You don’t ever need to do that for me, angel, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. But if you just really want to try it, we’ll do it sometime from an easier angle.”</p><p>“Okay.” She blushed and pressed her lips gently against his as he let her slip down until his cock nestled in her folds, avoiding entering her. “Jesus fuck,” she whimpered as his shaft touched her clit.</p><p>“You’re like a little inferno,” he said with a chuckle, nipping at her ear as she ground herself on him. “And a slip and slide all in one.”</p><p>“Please, Daddy, I need you,” she begged, flushed with arousal. “Please fuck me.”</p><p>“Not yet, little one." He brushed his lips against her neck. As he fluttered his tongue over her skin and then bit down again she surprised him with her self-control when she jerked her hips away from his, sitting back on his legs with a soft cry of frustration. He soothed the bite to the sound of her panting. “Such an obedient girl. I’m proud of you.”</p><p>“I’m trying,” she whimpered, and he kissed her pout. “Your level of self-control is inhuman. I need lessons.”</p><p>“There’s a little-known branch of Occlumency dealing with matters of the physical.”</p><p>She blinked owlishly for a second, then the fog of arousal receded as her face lit up with an expression he remembered fondly from his classroom. “Okay, first, didn’t realize you were an Occlumens. I’m jealous, I’ve only ever managed basic shields. Second, when can I have lessons?” she asked with an eager little bounce.</p><p>“And a Legilimens. Kind of goes with the ex-spy thing.” He learned from Alastor during the first war, but he picked up the physical control tips from Dawlish. “I prefer the kinds of lessons that make you lose control around me, not keep it. Luckily for me, sexual mind magic can’t be found in a book.” </p><p>“You’re mean.” She pouted again and stuck her tongue out at him, prompting laughter. “Is that why it always feels like you’re reading my mind?”</p><p>“No, I don’t invade people’s thoughts without consent. If I’m drowning in your eyes, it’s because they’re beautiful,” he said, lifting her up on her knees so he could work his jeans and boxers the rest of the way off. “The rest is down to paying attention. And the fact that you might be the most expressive witch I’ve ever met.” </p><p>“You sure I can’t beg my way into lessons?” she asked, a hopeful lilt in her voice.</p><p>“You are most welcome to beg your way into everything except Occlumency lessons. You’re hot as hell when you beg.” He kissed the tip of her nose.</p><p>She helped him with the buttons of his shirt, smiling when he slipped out of it and hugging him close. “I like it a lot, being naked when you’re not, but I love this, too.”</p><p>“Ditto, on both counts.” He brushed her hair back from her face as she tucked her head against his shoulder, carding his hand through it until she leaned into the sensation and closed her eyes. The act always seemed to soothe her and often turned her on, and it was adorable, the way she unconsciously sought out his petting.</p><p>“Keep your arms around me,” he instructed her, and she opened her eyes with a gasp of surprise when he lifted her from the couch and cupped her ass in his hands, clinging to him with her legs, too. As he wandered towards her bedroom, she buried her face in his neck and gave him a little nibble that made him growl. “Tease.”</p><p>“Guilty,” she murmured against his skin, looking up when he set her on the bed, close to the headboard.</p><p>“On your knees, facing the wall,” he said, and she hurried to comply. He put her hands on the wooden frame. “Stay just like this.”</p><p>Her eyes followed him until he disappeared behind her and the bed dipped with his weight, then she looked down as he laid on the bed and scooted up until her thighs were on either side of his head. As he ran his hands over her ass, she tensed.</p><p>“I don’t like this. It feels weird.”</p><p>He frowned. “Does it hurt? Are you triggered?” He curled a gentle hand around her hip.</p><p>“No, it just…it feels weird.”</p><p>“It will at first.” He kissed her inner thigh, glad it was just her shyness talking. That, he’d expected. “Who’s in charge here?”</p><p>“You are, sir.” She shivered as he drew a finger along the folds of her wet pussy.</p><p>“That’s right. And I want you to be a good girl and ride my face until you come.” He didn’t have to see her to know she was blushing. Luckily for him, her level of embarrassment often seemed directly proportional to her level of arousal. He nudged her thighs further apart.</p><p>“Oh - “ she said in surprise, still holding herself above him, though she trembled with the effort.</p><p>“I know you need to come for me, don’t you?” The way she clenched around his finger when he slid it inside of her answered the question better than her whispered affirmation. “I’m perfectly capable of manhandling you if I start to drown. Just relax, little one.” He spoke softly, sweetly to her as he fucked her with his finger, her hips seeking out his hand. “You think too much. Stop holding yourself back from me.”</p><p>She gave a pained little moan, as if it took an enormous amount of effort, but she finally lowered herself to his waiting mouth. He kneaded the flesh of her ass as he fucked her with his tongue, slow and languid, until her moans came more freely. When she abandoned her shyness enough to rock her hips against his face, he rewarded her by giving her one finger again, then two, thrusting as she shuddered and her walls quivered around him. </p><p>She tensed again as she approached the peak, trying to escape, but he just gave her a sharp warning smack with his other hand and pulled her down more firmly until she ground herself on him, whimpering, “Daddy, please.” </p><p>When he sucked her clit into his mouth and grazed it with his teeth, her cry was nearly a scream. <em>That’s right. Give it to me, little girl.</em> He was drowning in the best way, and he fucked her and tongued her clit through the throes of it while she gushed over his hand and into his mouth. When she hissed and squirmed from the sensitivity, her legs shaking, he let go of her clit and withdrew his hand, lapping up the nectar dripping from her center.</p><p>He shifted out from beneath her and pulled her down to lay in his arms. “I might need a cleansing - “ he started to say, but she swallowed the rest of his words by kissing him deeply and moaning into his mouth. He growled, running his hands down her back and holding her close. When she broke the kiss and rested her forehead against his, he chuckled. “I adore you, Hermione Granger.”</p><p>“Feeling’s mutual,” she assured him, snuggling closer into his embrace.</p><p>“How are you feeling, angel?” He ran the back of his hand against the softness of her cheek and then sunk it into her hair, savoring the sound of her contented sighs.</p><p>“Happy.” She pressed her mouth to his shoulder, resting her head there. “I probably need another couple shots of espresso, though.”</p><p>He snorted and kissed her temple. “Skip the tachycardia and cuddle with me until you get your strength back.”</p><p>“’Kay. You’re better than coffee, Daddy,” she informed him drowsily. “I still love coffee, though.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. please say you'll be my nothing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, chapters will be a bit further apart going forward, but I was so excited for this one that I wanted to share it. Hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>My escape from everything<br/>Please say you’ll be my nothing</em><br/><em>And I will give you everything</em><br/><em>Man, you are really something else</em><br/><em>You caught me at an awful time<br/></em> <em>See, I just lost my smile<br/></em><em>And that is what you helped me find</em><br/><em>Hadn’t seen it in awhile, and then you</em><br/><em>Came to save the day and I must say</em><br/><em>I think you may have done some more</em><br/><em>Goddamn, you stay on my mind like all the time</em><br/><em>So every night I end up at your door</em><br/><em>Hope that’s cool, ‘cause I’m really not trying to impose</em></p><p>Jhené Aiko, “It’s Cool”</p><p>Saturday, October 16, 2004</p><p>Remus was trying to kill her.</p><p>Hermione whined as his hand stilled and withdrew from her, her hips rocking up to meet empty air. She'd recovered from her oxytocin-induced stupor after 20 minutes and he rolled on top of her, relieving her when he let her grind against him. At her nod when he asked if she was enjoying herself, he gave her a wolfish grin, the predatory look in his eyes making her wet as hell.</p><p>Then he set about the task of making her expire from need. </p><p>She almost regretted saying no when he asked if she wanted to be tied down. Getting to touch him and clutch at his shoulders was lovely, but she was out of her mind by the sixth or seventh time she hit the edge and he drew back. She wasn’t sure if the fact that he’d learned to read her well enough that she wasn’t in danger of breaking his rules was the best or worst part.</p><p>She groaned softly as he brushed tender kisses over her face and neck until she calmed, then slid two fingers inside of her again. This time he didn’t thrust at first, just whispered sweetly to her and started to give her a third, and she whimpered at the delicious stretch, which elicited a fresh wave of wetness.</p><p>“Such a messy girl.” The slick sound of her around his fingers was the only noise aside from her pleading and his gentle murmur. “You’re still so tight, kitten. Just relax for me.”</p><p>“Please, Daddy." She arched her back, writhing beneath him as he filled her and rocked his fingers deep into her until she cursed. “I need you.”</p><p>“I know, little one.” He kissed her temple as he thrust, so agonizingly slow that she couldn’t get relief. </p><p>By the time her walls clenched around him minutes later, she was shaking and tearful. When he pulled back she gave a little sob, clutching him tighter. “Please, I’ll do anything, please - “</p><p>“Shh,” he soothed, the soft brush of his lips meeting the places where her tears had fallen. He lifted his hand to her mouth and she sucked his fingers with a moan, still trembling. When he reclaimed his hand, he leaned down to kiss her, answering her soft noises with a moan of his own.</p><p>He slid his arm under her back and rolled so she lay on top of him, sitting up until she straddled his lap and his forehead rested against hers. “You’ve been so good, baby girl.” She whimpered as she felt the head of his cock brush her entrance. “Whenever you’re ready for me, okay? Take your time.”</p><p>Her aching core wanted to argue that there was a dire need to rush, but she fell into his intense gaze as she lowered herself slowly, with a slight gasp when he breached her entrance. The stretch was a lot, but the depth of her need and the preparation of his hands helped, and she took him inch by inch.</p><p>“Circe, you’re scorching. I know how badly you need it. Let go for me,” he whispered, his thumb stroking her clit once and then twice. </p><p>“Oh, God - “ She shattered with a sharp cry, bearing down instinctively, taking him deep and drenching his cock.</p><p>“That’s my good girl.” He held her as she shuddered with the aftershocks, and she could feel herself contract around him erratically. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” Her voice broke on the words as she canted her hips, exploring the sensations. “It’s - it’s a lot, but you feel so good.”</p><p>“You do, too, baby girl.” A growl rose from his throat as she lifted up just a few inches and pressed down until he touched deeper parts of her, rolling her hips. “I love the way you ride my cock.”</p><p>She wound her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply and moaning into his mouth as she moved a bit more insistently, adjusting to the stretch. Her shaking legs could only manage so much, though, and she broke the kiss to beg, “Please, I need more.”</p><p>“Do you, kitten?” He nuzzled her neck, fluttering his tongue against her pulse. “Do you want Daddy to fuck you until you come all over my big cock again?”</p><p>“Yes,” she breathed, whimpering and grinding herself on him as his words heightened her arousal. She expected him to roll on top of her, but he surprised her by laying back on the bed, thrusting up into her with restrained strokes. She met him eagerly, and the building rhythm left her quivering after several minutes. “Harder, Daddy, <em>please</em> - “</p><p>His hesitation told her he feared hurting her, but at her begging he relented and took hold of her hips, pulling her down onto him with each quicker thrust. She lost all sense of herself, incoherent cries escaping her, and soon enough she came entirely apart. He followed her with a shout, the throbbing of his cock against her walls and the feeling of him spilling inside of her dragging out the waves of pleasure.</p><p>When he recovered, he loosened his grip and shifted to lay her down. Tucking her head against his chest, she listened to the staccato of his heart as it slowed, her own attuning with his. </p><p>“That was, um....” She gave a breathless laugh.</p><p>He kissed her hair, running his fingers through it. She closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. “I’m glad you liked it. I didn’t hurt you?”</p><p>She shook her head. “No, not more than I wanted.”</p><p>“Too much is just enough?” he teased, exhaling a soft chuckle at her nod, his other hand trailing down her spine. “My little hedonist. The more I give you, the more insatiable you are. It’s quite intoxicating.”</p><p>“Mm,” she murmured, nuzzling her cheek to him.</p><p>“I’m going to get some water. You’ll be sore, little one.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead before he released her to sit up. “Can I get you something to take for it?”</p><p>She hesitated a second and he gave her one of those searching looks. <em>Stop being such a fucking head case, Granger.</em> “Um, there’s a carved wooden cabinet in my lab. Bottom shelf, amber vials labeled anti-inflammatory.”</p><p>When he was gone she breathed a sigh of relief, wrapping herself around a pillow. He offered safety and affection on tap more addictive than any potion she’d ever been given, but the thought of giving into his well-meaning concern made her want to run screaming.</p><p>He returned a few minutes later with two glass vials and a full cup of water. “Pretty carvings. I grabbed what you asked for, but I want you to take this,” he said as he handed her one of the stronger ones from the second shelf.</p><p>“No.” She set it on the nightstand and plucked the non-narcotic potion from his fingers, downing half of it and chasing the bitterness with a third of the glass of water.</p><p>“Min, you need - “</p><p>“I don’t like the way it makes me feel,” she interrupted flatly. She put both potions in the bottom drawer of her nightstand, then did a reflexive check of the top drawer, relieved to spot the unlabeled blue vial she kept there.</p><p>Her tone must have warned him not to push her, at least, because he sat, stretching out next to her once she laid back down. “You have a full stock for someone who refuses to take pain or sleeping potions.”</p><p>“When did I - “</p><p>“You had a nightmare this morning,” he said gently, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear when she rolled onto her side to face him. “A bad one.”</p><p><em>Fuck.</em> On the upside, if he thought it was bad but hadn’t brought it up sooner, it was probably one of the milder ones. Would have been too much to hope that going down this path again wouldn’t stir up some subconscious pain, especially given his reaction to the scars she usually kept hidden.</p><p>“I’m sorry I woke you.”</p><p>“That’s what you said this morning.” He brushed his lips against her brow and met her eyes again. “Right before you flipped out when I mentioned dreamless sleep.”</p><p>She hoped he was honest about not performing Legilimency without consent. Her answer would be the truth, just not the whole truth. “I don’t take pain or calming potions because I don’t like feeling intoxicated. Dreamless sleep doesn’t work on me. I keep them on hand for friends and for when the ward runs low - we’re not top priority for restocking since acute injuries are rare, and the full eats up our allotment for palliatives. You’re more than welcome if you’ve ever need, by the way.”</p><p>“What do you mean it doesn’t work on you?” he asked, his brow furrowed. “I’ve never heard of that, and I’ve known a few serious addicts.”</p><p>“It’s not because of addiction, exactly.” She had been addicted, but it was her experiments in throwing off the effects that went awry with that one, in ways she still regretted. “I can’t wake or be woken until it wears off. But I still dream. I’m just trapped.”</p><p>His eyes widened. “Merlin, that’s awful.” </p><p>
  <em>You have no idea. </em>
</p><p>He ran a tender hand through her curls and drew her into his arms. She willed herself to relax, his touch and the sound of his heartbeat soothing her. “Angel, you know you’re safe with me, don’t you? Nothing you could tell me would make me feel differently about you.”</p><p>She forced down the tears and the things she couldn't say. There were a few secrets that could come too close to testing that promise for her comfort. “I know. You’re so good to me, Remus. I’m sorry for worrying you.”</p><p>“Shh, you don’t need to apologize,” he said as she cuddled into him. “You’re easy to be good to.”</p><hr/><p>They snuggled in quiet and napped for a bit. After a leisurely shower that resulted in more delicious torment and denial for her, she suggested going out for dinner. She would have to start stocking the kitchen if they made a regular thing of it. But for the moment, she was happy to be curled up at his feet with her head on his thigh and his hand in her hair while he read to her.</p><p>About an hour into the Saramago novel they’d settled on, his hand slipped from her hair to caress her cheek. “Still awake down there, kitten?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy.” She nuzzled his thigh, suffused with contentment. “I could get used to story time.”</p><p>“Me, too.” He surprised her by setting the book aside, though, his gaze warm when she tilted her head to look up at him. “There’s something I want to talk with you about.”</p><p>“I’m listening.” She kissed his palm, closing her eyes when his hand drifted back to her curls.</p><p>He stroked her for a few moments before he said, “I want you to cut back on your work hours a bit.”</p><p>She tensed, and she knew he noticed by the way he sighed and massaged her scalp. “Could you define cut back?”</p><p>“Let’s see. What’s your full schedule?”</p><p>“Um, Monday through Friday on Dai Llewellyn, nine to seven-ish, and Sunday in the emergency wing, nine to nine. I sometimes come early to pop in and check on the kids, but I have to do at least twelve hours elsewhere. It’s easier to do it all on one day. Emerge is chaotic, but I like it.”</p><p>He blew out a breath and she glanced up at him again from where her head still rested against his leg. “I may not be the Arithmancy whiz here, but I know that adds up to over sixty hours. Closer to seventy if I take into account that ‘seven-ish’ is often eight or nine, knowing you. And that’s not counting the research and brewing in your off hours.”</p><p>She didn’t realize she was frowning until his thumb tenderly traced the lines around her mouth. “Work is important to me, sir.”</p><p>“I know it is, angel. I’m not asking you to give it up.” The care in his voice soothed her defensive instinct, and she snuggled in closer between his legs. “What’s your sleep schedule like when I’m not here? Are you on call often?”</p><p>“Not as good as when you are here.” He chuckled and trailed his fingertips over her neck and shoulder, toying with the collar of the gray shrug she wore over her sleeveless lavender dress. “I probably go to bed too late, if I’m honest. I get up around seven or eight. I try to get at least six hours. One night a week as backup for emerge, but I only get called in every now and then.”</p><p>“Do you have those nightmares often, little one?” He cupped her cheek gently. “Or the ones about the war?”</p><p>She bit her lip. <em>He just wants context, he’s not prying</em>. “Not much anymore. Maybe a few times a month?”</p><p>“Alright.” He traced her mouth with his fingertips until she let go of her lip and nipped at his fingers, drawing a soft smile from him. “I expect you to drop down to five days, no more than fifty hours. And to be in bed no later than 11. A week or two to adjust and get your schedule changed is fine.”</p><p>She breathed a frustrated sigh, closing her eyes tightly and tamping down on the urge to argue. “Do I really have to cut back that much?”</p><p>“I expected more vehemence, figured you’d be cursing me up one hill and down another in that pretty head of yours. But you’re my sweet, obedient girl, aren’t you?” His voice was gentle as he ran his knuckles along her cheek. “Help me understand what bothers you about it.”</p><p>“The kids will miss me. And I’ll miss them.” She wished she didn’t sound so plaintive. “What if something happens to them? Most of the staff don’t pay close enough attention, even the caregivers. No one remembers what they want for their birthdays or reads them stories or <em>anything</em>, Remus.”</p><p>“Min, you can’t run the entire ward by yourself, fueled on nothing but caffeine, takeout, and your overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You’re going to burn out if you haven’t already, and that’s no good for them or for you. Fifty hours is still too much on a weekly basis, but I’m compromising because of how important this is to you.” As she opened her mouth to speak again, he pressed a finger to her lips. “I’m not discounting your worries. But you can only do so much, and the rest isn’t yours. The best thing you can do to be there for them is to take care of yourself and let me take care of you.”</p><p>When she sniffled and hid her face against his thigh instead of protesting, he said, “Oh, baby girl. Come here.”</p><p>She let him pull her to curl up in his lap and pressed her face against his neck. The impulse to try and control her tears gave way under the strength of his arms around her, and her shoulders shook as she cried quietly for several minutes while he held her and rubbed her back. When it seemed like her tears were subsiding, she lifted her head and wiped impatiently at her cheeks. “This is so stupid. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”</p><p>“I do.” He stilled her nervous hands, his own much more gentle as he brushed away the remnants of her tears and held her gaze. “You’ve been all alone, little one. Having friends, even good ones, doesn’t help if you never let them see how you really are or what you’re feeling. And you’ve been carrying far too much by yourself for a long time, but you don’t have to always be the strong one, okay? Not anymore.”</p><p>She dissolved into a fresh wave of tears and he cradled her head against his shoulder, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Shh, angel. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” </p><p>He handed her a handkerchief when she recovered, and she dried her tears and blew her nose. “C - can I still stay the night and work the morning after the full, p - please? I’d like to spend some of them with you, too, but - “</p><p>“Of course, little one.” He stroked her hair. “We can make an exception for the full, as long as you get plenty of rest before and after. And I’m accustomed to being alone for it, don’t worry about me.”</p><p>“Okay. I - I’ll talk to them tomorrow and get my schedule adjusted. And I’ll try to go to bed earlier.”</p><p>“Good girl. I want you in bed, lights off, no books, even if you don’t feel like you can fall asleep yet. Okay?” She nodded and tucked her head under his chin. “It doesn’t matter to me what days you have off, but I expect you to spend at least one of them and some evenings on things besides research. Things you enjoy doing. Like hanging out with Ginny or putting that enormous spice rack of yours to use as something other than a prop.”</p><p>“I enjoy doing you.” Her voice was still thick with emotion, but she managed a teasing lilt.</p><p>His laughter rumbled against her cheek. “Oh, I enjoy that, too. I hope to be included in the mix somewhere. I only work about 35 hours with weekends off, and I can flex some of it, so I’m at your disposal. Whenever you want. I’m on call for Legilimency, but I don’t get called in often.”</p><p>“I didn’t think it was legal to use Legilimency in questioning.”</p><p>“It’s not. I help retrieve memories from victims, to be used as evidence.”</p><p>An involuntary shudder rippled through her. “That sounds hard.”</p><p>“More for them than for me. There are ways to make it a bit less awful, though, and I like that I can help them get justice.”</p><p>“You’re a good person, Remus.” </p><p>“Says the best little girl I know.” He hugged her close. “You make me want to be the person you see when you look at me.”</p><p>She wished she could be the person he saw in her, too. But she boxed up those worries and set them aside for the moment. “Whenever I want? Really?”</p><p>“I did say that, didn’t I? I don’t make promises lightly.” He tipped her head up and gave her a tender kiss. “I’m not going to get tired of you or think you’re clingy, baby girl. You don’t need to be so self-conscious.”</p><p>“Are you sure you’re not reading my mind?” she said, raising her eyebrows.</p><p>“Not with magic.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I told you to ask me if you need or want something. That includes spending time with me, even if it’s just to hold you or talk. We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t feel like it. Okay?”</p><p>“’Kay.” His radiant smile made her feel a little less shy at the prospect. “Can I still owl you sometimes? And maybe text you?”</p><p>“I’d love that. I don’t get service at the office, but I do at home.” His fingertips trailed down her side and along the outside of her thigh through the thin cotton of her dress. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”</p><p>“Yes, please.” She pressed her mouth to his, relishing his quiet growl as she nipped at his bottom lip and sought entrance to his mouth. She tangled her hands in his hair, her eagerness building as his tongue caressed her own. He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, drawing a quiet moan from her throat and making her squirm on his lap. “Will you touch me, Daddy? Please?”</p><p>His lips traveled over her neck and shoulder. “I know you’re still tender, baby girl.”</p><p>“I am a bit. But I’m also wet.” She shivered when he divested her of her shrug and trailed his fingertips over her neck, then rested his hand against it. “Jesus, that’s not helping.”</p><p>He pressed his lips to her temple, running his thumb back and forth over the hollow of her throat and studying her with amusement. “What’s got you so hot, little kitten? Do you like being reminded of who you belong to?”</p><p>As she nodded, her thighs parted instinctively and he ran his other hand up her leg beneath her dress, stopping short of her panties, just stroking her skin lightly. “I can’t think when you do that.” She spread herself wider, seeking his touch.</p><p>“Good. While I love that brilliant brain of yours, it has a habit of getting in the way.” His hand slipped from her neck to her chest and he cupped her breast through the soft cotton. She rarely wore bras and since his main fascination with her lingerie seemed to be commenting on its state of saturation and taking it off, she’d foregone one. She regretted that when he rolled her nipple between his fingers, drawing a needy whimper. “Tell me what you need, little one. Don’t be shy.”</p><p>She rocked her hips, but he only offered the gentlest of touches against her panties, which aroused her more than if he’d given her the friction she craved. “Please, Daddy, I want to taste you. And I want you to fuck me with your fingers.”</p><p>“Mm, I don’t think that’s what you need.” His teasing murmur as he ran his teeth along the shell of her ear elicited a soft, frustrated whine.</p><p>“But I’m aching." </p><p>“I know you are, kitten. I was mean to you earlier, wasn’t I?” He chuckled at her quick nod as she nuzzled into his neck. “I think you like it when I’m mean, though, don’t you? Do you like being tormented?” She nodded again, exhaling another whimper. “It’s okay. I’ll give you some relief from that ache. I want you to go to the bedroom and strip, then lie down.”</p><p>She kissed him one last time and clambered off his lap, making haste down the hallway and quickly stripping off her dress and panties. He followed her a minute later, rolling his sleeves up and unbuttoning the first few buttons of his shirt, a sight that did something twisty to her insides. As she propped herself on her elbows and drank him in, he caught her eye.</p><p>“See something you like?”</p><p>“You’re gorgeous. Sometimes I look at you and you steal my breath.” She was treated to the barest hint of pink above his beard, and his green eyes - though still radiating an intense heat - crinkled at the corners when he smiled. When he sat next to her on the edge of the bed, he left a soft kiss on the top of her bent knee. She cupped his cheek, brushing her thumb against the faint scars there. “I’m lucky.”</p><p>“We both are, lovely girl,” he whispered, and the reverence in his voice and his gaze kindled a terrifying flutter of warmth behind her ribs as he stroked the outside of her thigh. She hid it by kissing his shoulder. “What lotion do you use?”</p><p>“I make it, there’s some in the big jar on the bathroom sink.” She clutched his shirt as he started to move away.</p><p>“I’ll be right back, angel. Roll on your tummy and relax for me, okay?” She breathed a little frustrated huff as she rolled over, and he patted her ass before he stood. “You’ll like this, I think. And there will be orgasms at the end, I promise.”</p><p>That reassured her enough to relax a fraction as she stretched out. When he got back he said, “Now I know where the hibiscus is coming from, but what about the coconut? I’ve been getting high on you all weekend.”</p><p>She giggled, turning her head to look at him as he sat down again. “Shampoo’s hibiscus, too, and I use coconut oil to keep my hair from frizzing. I can send you home with some, I’d hate for you to have to go through withdrawal.”</p><p>His lips quirked. “I’d rather just get another fix straight from the source, I have a feeling that’s more satisfying. You’ll have to let me know when I can see you. Hopefully before I get too twitchy.”</p><p>She shook her head with another giggle. “Well, at least I don’t feel so awkward about wanting to see you midweek.”</p><p>“I did tell you you don’t need to,” he reminded her, and she leaned into the hand he pressed to her cheek. “Whenever you’re up to it.”</p><p>“I’ll let you know how things go with work,” she said with a shy smile. Secretly, she thought she’d have a hard time going to sleep alone. “What kind of lesson requires lotion? Is it handjobs? Please say it’s handjobs.”</p><p>He trailed his fingertips down her spine. “We’ll cover handjobs another time. Call it an incentive to leave work at a reasonable hour. Right now we’re going to have a lesson in relaxation.”</p><p>“That sounds boring,” she informed him. “Well, except when it involves your hand in my hair, that’s better than any calming draught.”</p><p>“You’re hilarious.” He kissed her temple and ran his fingers through her hair. She tilted her head to his touch with a quiet, happy sigh. “Hopefully I won’t bore you too much. I want you to take this first, though, the whole thing this time.”</p><p>He handed her another anti-inflammatory vial and she frowned but complied before handing it back. It wasn’t addictive, but she still didn’t like to rely on them. He gave her a small smile as he set the vial on the nightstand.</p><p>He withdrew his hand and disappeared further down the bed, and she rested her head on her hands. Then she heard the telltale sound of lotion being rubbed between his palms, and she tensed instinctively before his hand even met her calf, fighting the urge to move away when she realized his intentions.</p><p>“What’s wrong, little one?” he murmured, concern lacing his voice as he ran his hand up and down her leg in a soothing sweep.</p><p>“I - I don’t know." This time, she really didn’t. She didn’t have any bad memories of luxurious massages given to her by kind, hot daddies. Or any memories of receiving massages at all. But it still made her want to scream internally. “I guess I’m not used to being touched like this?”</p><p>“Touched like how?”</p><p>“Just because, for no reason. I feel exposed, but different from - from earlier.”</p><p>He laid his hand on the small of her back and she buried her head in her arms. “I’m not going to push you to tell me what happened to you, angel. But I need you to tell me you talk to someone about it - your therapist, maybe?”</p><p>“I do, I promise. I’m sorry I’m such a head case. I usually have it together better than this, but - “ Letting him in brought things rushing to the surface again - it had in her last relationship at first, too, though it got better with time. But if she said that he might back off. And he made her feel uncomfortably transparent.</p><p>“Shh. You don’t get to feel guilty or bad with me, Hermione. Those thoughts help you push people away, and I’m not going to allow you to push me away.” As she swallowed the roil of emotions his words evoked, he stroked her hip. “Those walls you’re so keen on are ingrained in your body, not just your mind. I’m not asking you to tear them all down tonight, but the sky won’t fall if you let me touch you just to make you feel good, without an ulterior motive. And it certainly won’t fall if you relax a little. I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”</p><p>“Okay,” she said with quiet hesitation, resting her cheek on her arm.</p><p>“There’s my brave girl.” He gave her hip a gentle squeeze before he went back to working on her legs. She willed herself not to tense up, taking slow breaths punctuated by the occasional groan as he hit difficult spots. After awhile, she didn’t have to will herself anymore, and a little sigh of enjoyment came out as he moved further up her thighs. “See, that’s better, isn’t it? You don’t have to fight me.”</p><p>“I could be persuaded not to hate relaxation lessons,” she admitted to the sound of his laughter.</p><p>“Good, because I quite like giving them.” He rubbed her ass gently, working his knuckles into the muscles. “How did you get so strong, baby girl? I thought you were mostly knots, but you’re only half knots. Should have guessed from that death grip when you were riding my face earlier.”</p><p>She wasn't sure she'd ever get over her shyness about that, but when he'd pulled her down on his face and held her there she came so hard she nearly blacked out. “The other half’s from fighting.”</p><p>“Fighting?”</p><p>“Mm.” As he pressed his thumbs along her spine, she gave a happy little shiver. “Feels nice. I started training krav maga in France. For self-defense at first, but then I fell in love with it.”</p><p>“You’re a bundle of surprises. Do you still train?”</p><p>“When I can find the time. Maybe I’ll get back to the gym again since I’ll be working less. Would be fun to duel with you again, too.”</p><p>“We can spar as well, if you’d like. Trying to convince the Ministry to implement more hand-to-hand classes for Aurors, but you know how wizards are.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Hermione grinned. “I may have decked Malfoy once. He looked more shocked than angry, like it never occurred to him that fists could be a weapon. Would give you guys an advantage, though.”</p><p>Remus chuckled. “I need a Legilimency session just to witness that. And it would, but finding qualified instructors in the magical community isn’t easy.”</p><p>“I’ve got an instructor cert for the lower levels. Haven’t led a class since I got back. But I could help, maybe, if you want.”</p><p>“And yet more surprises. Do I want to know how many ways you know to kill me in my sleep?”</p><p>She snorted. She was certain he could still take her down in a duel, and she wouldn’t be surprised if they were evenly matched in a spar. “Probably not. But you’re safe, I like you too much.”</p><p>“Lucky me,” he teased, brushing her hair aside to rub her shoulders. “I might take you up on that. The teaching, not the murder, though you’re welcome to drown me anytime. I’d die happy.” He peeked over her shoulder. “I knew it. You’re cute when you blush. You get awfully wet when you blush, too.”</p><p>She blushed harder and stuck her tongue out at him. “Is it bad that I want you to have an ulterior motive right now?”</p><p>“Absolutely not, kitten. I only wanted you to know I love touching you and spending time with you ‘for no reason,’ as you put it, just as much or more.”</p><p>His smile greeted her when he told her to roll over, but once he’d moved from her shoulders and arms down her torso, she squirmed. “Too ticklish. ‘Sides, I’m already a puddle of goo, Daddy. I feel very relaxed.”</p><p>“Do you?” He kissed her tenderly, nuzzling his nose to hers. “I think you could be more relaxed, but this is decent for a first lesson. Spread your legs for me and show me how you touch yourself, little one.” </p><p>Theoretically, her Healer's training told her it was impossible to die from embarrassment, but she felt like he would test that on a regular basis. She hesitated only a moment before opening herself to him, though.</p><p>“There’s a good girl. You’re certainly a puddle of something.”</p><p>He knelt between her thighs and spread her wider while she clenched and unclenched her hands. Closing her eyes tightly, she ran a finger along her slit, circling her clit and then stroking as she moaned. </p><p>“Slow and gentle, kitten. There’s no hurry.” The throb of her clit against her fingers disagreed. “How often do you make yourself come?”</p><p>“Um - fuck. Once or twice a week?” The words came out sounding slightly pained as she shuddered.</p><p>“No wonder you’re a bundle of sexual frustration." He kissed her neck. “That needs to increase. I want you to touch yourself most nights we’re not together, and you can text or owl me if you need permission to come.”</p><p>“Okay. Please, I’m so wet,” she whimpered. She wanted him to make her come, but she’d settle for her hand if she had to.</p><p>“I can see that, messy girl. Keep stroking yourself for me. Do you use toys?”</p><p>“Not - not very often. I have a dildo I use sometimes. Vibrators hurt.” The memories she associated with them stayed at bay; her focus had shrunk to a pinprick. She settled for a light flutter of her fingertips, panting softly. “I’m so close, Daddy. Please, can I come?”</p><p>“Not yet. Give me your hand.” </p><p>She opened her eyes to find his boring a hole into her. She pulled her hand away and offered it to him, fighting the urge to press her thighs together. The soft growl of arousal he made as he cleaned her fingers with his tongue went straight to her core. When he was done, he stroked her hair back from her face, brushing his lips against hers.</p><p>She nipped at his bottom lip, arching up to him. “Please, I need you."</p><p>“Don’t worry. Daddy’s going to kiss your little pussy better.” He smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “There’s that cute blush again.”</p><p>A shiver rippled through her as he settled between her thighs. She felt self-conscious that he went down on her so often, but he seemed to like it, so she tried not to worry. She hissed when his kisses swept up the inside of her thigh, and he gave her an open-mouthed one against her vulva, the contact making her buck against his face.</p><p>“Breathe, little one. Don’t tense up, you don’t have to chase it,” he murmured. “Just relax and let it build.”</p><p>She moaned, trying to take slow, deep breaths as his tongue dipped into her folds, caressing her sensitive skin. He avoided her clit at first, just lapping up her wetness and stoking the flames of her need with soft licks, then sliding his tongue inside of her.</p><p>“Oh, God, Daddy - “ The tenderness of their earlier activities sensitized her even more.</p><p>“There you go, baby girl.” His voice was a gentle hum against her skin, and she realized that her hips were writhing, but not the frantic way she usually did. “There’s no hurry. It’ll find you.”</p><p>He licked her from core to clit, swirling his tongue around it, and she gasped. “Jesus fuck.“ It came out a breathless whimper as his tongue fluttered against her, and she was caught between wanting to beg for more and feeling afraid of the building intensity. He pushed her knees higher, exposing her more fully so he could fuck her deeper with his tongue, then laved her throbbing clit with the flat of it. </p><p>Instead of the sudden peak she usually felt, her orgasm built in a slow crescendo, leaving her with nothing but incoherent cries at the top, which seemed to drag out forever. When she returned to herself, she was still shaking with the aftershocks, and her cheeks were wet. Pressing her hands to them, she was surprised to realize she was crying.</p><p>“It’s okay, it’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s a release in more ways than one.” He rested his palm against her cheek for a moment. “Let me hold you.”</p><p>He stretched out next to her, gathering her in his arms. She buried her face in his chest and he rubbed her back, settling a warming charm over her. It took the tears several minutes to dissipate.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>She could hear the hint of a smile in his voice. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”</p><p>“I did. It was just really intense. I loved it, though.”</p><p>“Good.” He stroked her hair for awhile, and when she nodded off, he slipped from beneath her and woke her to use the bathroom and drink water, undressing himself before tucking her into the blankets and taking her in his arms again. “Sweet dreams, angel.” </p><p>The comfort of his closeness lulled her back down to the depths before she could say goodnight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. we'll just go slow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I’ll be there for you, I will care for you</em><br/>
<em>I keep thinking you just don’t know</em><br/>
<em>Trying to run from that, say you’re done with that</em><br/>
<em>On your face, girl, it just don’t show</em><br/>
<em>When you’re ready, just say you’re ready</em><br/>
<em>When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy</em><br/>
<em>And the party’s over, just don’t forget me</em><br/>
<em>We’ll change the pace and we’ll just go slow</em>
</p><p>Drake ft. Rihanna, “Take Care”</p><p>Monday, October 18, 2004</p><p>“You look like a man who got laid good and proper.”</p><p>“Oh, stuff it,” Remus said with a laugh and a shake of his head as he took the chair on the other side of John Dawlish’s desk. “I already had to take Dora’s shit on the way in here.”</p><p>The grizzled older Auror smirked. “Granger the reason your feet didn’t touch the ground once last week?”</p><p>“Am I that obvious?” He rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know it was her I was chatting with until Friday. But the date went well, other than what I texted you about.”</p><p>“I’m happy for you. You deserve some good luck in that department.” John flashed him a genuine smile that reached his blue eyes, but it disappeared more quickly than usual. “I’m afraid I didn’t find much, though. Or rather, I found too much.” At Remus’s raised eyebrow, he said, “She visited five times between September ‘98 and May ‘99, but all Saturdays - you know how busy it gets. I cross-referenced with the records of who else was there, but the list is too long to be of use.”</p><p>“Fuck.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “You recognize any names?”</p><p>“Some, none that jump out. There’s no guarantee that whoever hurt her is on that list, though, you know that as well as I do. What would you even do if you had a name, Remus?”</p><p>That question had nagged him all weekend. Vigilantism carried its own set of issues, and he doubted Hermione would be willing to cooperate with an investigation, but the thought of doing nothing ate at him.</p><p>“I don’t know, but I can’t just - " He clenched his jaw. “Someone beat the fuck out of her, John. And not just heavy impact, I'm talking torture. There’s significant scarring. Way she acted, I’d be shocked if that’s all they did.”</p><p>“Damn.” He looked as horrified as Remus felt. “She won’t talk at all?”</p><p>“She only took down the glamor because I made her, and she nearly threw me out for asking questions.”</p><p>John’s hand balled into a fist on his desk. “I have the leeway to open an investigation with reasonable suspicion of a crime, even if she refused to help, but I can’t do shit without a name and some details. And as much as I empathize - “</p><p>“I know. I’m not asking you to compromise members’ privacy on a hunch.“ He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, his voice bleak. “Maybe she’ll open up eventually. I'm kicking myself for letting our friendship go to shit before she left.”</p><p>“She might have hidden it anyway,” John reminded him gently. “It’s not your fault. The best thing you can do is be there for her now.”</p><p>“Yeah. Thanks, man.” It was the same advice he would have given, but he found it hard to stomach.</p>
<hr/><p>Daddy,</p><p>Sunday was long, there was a Dragon Pox outbreak. Thankfully most of the patients are doing okay. I talked to Moira about the schedule changes, though, and they’re fine with starting today. I’ll be off weekends, 9-9 on Tuesdays for emergency, 9-6 on the other days on the ward. Swing shifts on the full - not working the day of, only the night and the morning after, like we talked about, and I can come home and rest once everyone’s settled. I’m not looking forward to telling the kids, but they’ll adjust.</p><p>I miss you. Hope your Monday classes won't be too hectic. I’m not sure what to do with all this time on my hands tonight - I’ll have to put your other instructions to work. Thinking of being with you is excellent stress relief.</p><p>Blushing again,<br/>
Hermione</p><p>...</p><p>Dear Min,</p><p>I know it must be stressful with all that you see in the emergency wing, not to mention what your other patients go through. I’m proud of you for following my instructions about work. </p><p>I have the first-year Auror trainees all day. It’s a bit like teaching First Years, except the subject matter’s a little more complicated than a Knockback Jinx, and they already think they know everything. I need all the luck I can get.</p><p>Do something fun this evening, and whenever you’re done with that, I want you to touch yourself like we talked about. Be gentle, and take your potion regularly until the tenderness goes away - don’t be stubborn. Tell me what makes you wet, baby girl. Beg me if you need to come (I know you do).</p><p>Missing you, too,<br/>
Remus</p><p>...</p><p>Daddy,</p><p>I hope you survived your classes! My day went okay, the kids took it better than I thought they would. They don’t like it, but they'll adjust. I know you’re right that taking care of myself is important so I can be there for them.</p><p>I took the potion, and I broke out the spice rack for the first time in too long. Tomorrow will be another long day, but since I’ll have Wednesday evening free, could I see you? </p><p>I’m already in bed, I couldn’t wait too long. I keep thinking about you putting me over your lap last time - the spanking and the orgasms of course, but also when you made me blush about how needy I am and let me suck your fingers. I want to be good, but I want more lessons like that, too, please. I’m so wet, I’ve already dripped on my sheets. Pretty please, may I come?</p><p>Edging anxiously,<br/>
Hermione</p><p>...</p><p>Dear Min,</p><p>There’s my good, obedient girl. You don’t need to get in trouble for me to give you lessons like that. All you have to do is ask, kitten.</p><p>I do want to see you on Wednesday, and I’d like you to come as much as you need to tonight, because you’re not to come again until then. You can still touch yourself as long as you can behave. Don’t forget to clean your hand, messy girl - think about having my fingers in that eager mouth of yours, and my cock. I know how much you crave that.</p><p>Would you like to come over to the cottage? Whenever you’re free after work, no rush. I’ll cook. If you’d prefer, I’ll come to you. I’m looking forward to seeing you, little one.</p><p>Remus</p><p>...</p><p>Daddy,</p><p>Thank you for letting me come. I did, twice, which is unusual when I’m alone. I sucked my fingers clean - I was thinking about having your cock in my mouth - but I had to use a cleansing charm on the sheets. I feel content but I still can’t stop thinking about you. You might be right about my being insatiable.</p><p>I’ll come to yours. 7 pm should give me enough time to go home, check on Seph, and change. I’ll Floo. I’m really looking forward to seeing you, too. I hope you have sweet dreams and a good day tomorrow. Going to bed now (on time!).</p><p>Hermione</p>
<hr/><p>The chime of the Floo filtered into the dining room as Remus was setting the table. By the time he made it to the living room, Hermione stood there in a loose, flowy blush pink dress, cinched at the waist with a gray ribbon. She looked up as she brushed herself off and ran a hand through her wild espresso curls.</p><p>He was happy she didn’t wear a glamor, despite the fact that the dress bared her curse scars and he could tell she was self-conscious about them. He caught her anticipation through the delicate fragrance of hibiscus. “Hi there, pretty girl,” he murmured, drawing her into his arms.</p><p>She pressed herself flush against him and wound her arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe and dragging him down to seal her mouth to his. He kissed her, gentle and deep, his tongue curling around hers as little mewls rose from her throat. Her eagerness pleased him, but he did want her to eat first, so he carefully disentangled himself after several moments, unwinding her arms from his neck but keeping hold of her hand as she said, “Mm. Hi, Daddy.”</p><p>She followed him into the dining room, and he distracted her with asking after her work and discussing his ideas for hand-to-hand classes that would supplement the other areas he trained. They’d just settled on plans to begin sparring and dueling together after the full when she got up to clear the table.</p><p>“You don’t need to do that,” he said, his fingertips grazing her wrist.</p><p>“I know. I want to.” She smiled, disappearing into the kitchen. He’d gathered over the weekend that she liked serving him almost as much as she liked being taken care of, and the thoughtfulness with which she did it was adorable.</p><p>A few minutes later, he followed her into the kitchen. “You know, there are spells for this." He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist, running his hands over her torso as a little shiver rippled through her.</p><p>“I like doing it by hand,” she said, but she paused and set down the dish she’d been scrubbing when he pulled her tight against him and cupped one of her breasts through the silky fabric. She was self-conscious about her figure, too, but he found her beautiful and her lack of need for a bra played in his favor as her squeak of surprise softened into a whimper. “I edged last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I’m regretting that decision now.”</p><p>“Couldn’t help yourself, little kitten?” He set a spell that would clean and stack the dishes without the need for oversight, brushing her hair aside and dipping his head to run his mouth over the curve where her neck met her shoulder. She rinsed her hands and he dried them with a silent, wandless charm before he bit down.</p><p>“Fucking hell." She shuddered, reaching back to clench at his hip and grinding her ass against him. “Okay, maybe magic does have its advantages.”</p><p>He chuckled and soothed her skin with his tongue, grazing her nipple with his thumb. “There’s something I want to show you.” She breathed another quiet, frustrated whimper as he pulled away to take her hand and led her upstairs.</p><p>As she followed him into the expansive play room next to his bedroom, she whispered, “Wow.” There was curiosity in her gaze, but he also sensed tension when he wrapped his arms around her.</p><p>“Is there something in here that makes you uncomfortable?” he asked, studying her face as he carded his hand through her hair. “We can go to the bedroom instead.”</p><p>“Um, I don’t want to use the bench, if that’s okay? But everything else is fine. I want to stay. Can I look at your toys?”</p><p>“Of course.” As she wandered over to the left wall, he went to the back of the room, using a charm to downsize the leather and wood sawhorse and packing it into the closet along with the few canes he’d put away earlier.</p><p>“Oh, you don’t have to do that,“ she said, turning from the implements she was examining.</p><p>He joined her after a moment, embracing her from behind again. The way she relaxed into him made him grateful that he had, and that the room was designed to be warmer and more inviting than the stereotypical dungeon, with soft lighting and furnishings of red wood and brown leather.</p><p>“This is your room now, too,” he said, resting his chin on the top of her head. “If there’s something you don’t want, or something you’d like us to add, you tell me, okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” She smiled and her fingers traced the handles of his floggers, lingering as she pressed closer to him.</p><p>“Good girl.” He wasn’t certain whether the moan that escaped her was because of the praise or the feeling of his hand against her neck. He stroked the hollow of her throat as her breath quickened. “Do you still need Daddy to teach you a lesson, angel?” </p><p>“Yes, please.” Her thighs parted and he slipped a hand beneath her dress.</p><p>“Oh, I can tell." He kept stroking her throat as his other hand found her center, caressing her through her damp panties. She squirmed a little in his arms, panting as she rocked her hips to his hand, seeking more friction. He gave her a bit, slipping beneath the silk fabric to stroke her. "Messy little girl. Is all this for me?”</p><p>“Yes,” she breathed. “Daddy, please.”</p><p>“You’re so sexy, baby girl.” Her muffled moans as he slid his slick fingers into her mouth went straight to his cock. “I want you to love every minute of this. You tell me if it’s too much.” At her nod, he dropped a kiss in her hair, retrieving his hand from her mouth once she'd sucked him clean and untying the sash so he could tug her dress over her head. “Panties off. Do you want to be on the bed or the cross?”</p><p>“The cross, please,” she said, with a slight hiss as the open air hit her wet, fevered flesh. She left her panties on top of her dress and followed him to the St. Andrew’s cross next to the wall, not far away, facing it as he secured her arms in the supple brown leather cuffs.</p><p>He stroked her sides, enjoying the little sounds that escaped her as she squeezed her thighs together the way she sometimes did when she was needy. “Be a good girl and spread your legs for me. Do I need to tie them?”</p><p>“Y - yes, please.” She shivered, parting her thighs. The cross was too wide for her to be comfortable, so he dropped down behind her and cuffed her ankles to a smaller spreader bar instead.</p><p>“Lovely. I think I’ll stay down here for a moment and enjoy the view.” He wouldn’t have been surprised if her face flamed from embarrassment, but the flush that spread over the rest of her was pure arousal as he ran his hands over her ass and reveled in the sight of her glistening pussy. </p><p>He warmed her up with gentle blows that gradually grew firmer, stroking her ass and inner thighs after every few until she writhed against the empty air as much as she could with the constriction, quiet moans escaping her throat. When he ran a fingertip along her dripping slit, careful to avoid her clit, she gasped, her hips bucking. “Daddy, please - “</p><p>“Aching so much for me already?” he teased, tasting her wetness on his finger. He wanted to bury his face in her, but she wouldn’t be able to hold back, and he wanted her just as needy when she took the floggers she’d been admiring earlier.</p><p>Rising from the floor, he retrieved them, standing behind her and letting the soft leather falls of one drag sensuously over her stomach and breasts as she arched her back. “Do you like these, angel? Have you tried them before?”</p><p>“I - I like the way the heavy ones feel. When it’s not too hard.” Arousal clouded her voice, and she rested her head against his chest. “Please, Daddy, I need you.”</p><p>He traded the caress of the flogger for his hands, palming her breasts and stroking her peaked nipples until she exhaled a mindless litany of pleas, rubbing her ass against his jeans. “I can see that. You’re on fire, little kitten. Don’t worry, I won’t make you wait too much longer.”</p><p>She sighed at the loss of him, resting against the wood as he moved away and took a flogger in each hand. He loved her hedonistic streak, and it didn’t surprise him that she enjoyed them with the way she craved sensation. He threw a few light strikes over her back and her ass, studying her responses, the way she seemed to lean into them rather than away and the quiet moans that escaped her throat.</p><p>He began to move hand over hand in a slow, rhythmic pattern, alternating floggers with each blow, and after a few minutes she shuddered and fisted her hands in the cuffs, her toes curling under. He chuckled. “Does that feel good, baby girl? Is that why you’re squirming so?”</p><p>“Y - yes, sir,” she gasped, with a slight groan as he cast a firmer strike against her shoulders. </p><p>Pleading whimpers escaped her as he moved back down her body, the strokes more intense now, until after a while her sounds became pained. Setting the floggers aside, he ran his hands over her back and ass, soothing the redness as the endorphins worked their way through her blood. </p><p>“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered, pressing back to him until he gave her the contact she wanted, his body molding to hers. “That was lovely.”</p><p>“I’m glad you liked it." He stroked her torso, her mewls turning to frustrated whimpers that elicited another chuckle from him as he pulled away. He carefully unbound her, rubbing her ankles and then her wrists as he took her down from the cross. “Do you want a salve, angel?” He hadn’t left bruises, but her skin would be tender.</p><p>She shook her head as she turned to face him, wearing a shy smile. “No, I like the reminder.”</p><p>“Very well.” His mouth curved upward as he worked his way down the buttons of his shirt, her hands covering his to take over.</p><p>“May I taste you, please, Daddy?”</p><p>“If you wish, for a little while.” He let her unbuckle his belt and slipped out of his jeans, leading her to the bed and sitting on the edge of it. Before she dropped to her knees, she caught her bottom lip between her teeth, and he noticed the flicker of anxiety in her gaze. “What is it?”</p><p>“I really want to suck your cock, but I - I’m afraid I might come without permission.” She clenched her hands together.</p><p>He pulled her to sit on his lap, stroking her hair and brushing his lips against her forehead. “I know how much you need it, baby girl. It’s alright with me if you come, but I don’t want you to touch yourself right now.” </p><p>She liked rules, and a bit of sternness or teasing threats made her soaking wet. But they hadn’t discussed punishment in depth, and the fact that she seemed to have a real fear of his displeasure gave him pause. He knew what happened to her wasn’t recent, but if he was right in thinking it had been at the hands of one of her previous dominants, it would make sense for old triggers to come up. With her reticence to talk, he’d have to be even more careful than usual to avoid stepping on them.</p><p>“I’m not trying to pry, but I need you to answer me. Were you punished often, before?” She tucked her head against his shoulder and nodded. “Harshly?”</p><p>“Y - yes, sir,” she said in a small voice that made him wonder if that was the only time her skin had been split so badly, or just the only time she wasn’t healed soon enough afterward.</p><p>“How were you punished, angel?” </p><p>She froze. “I don’t want to talk about that, please.”</p><p>“Alright. That’s okay.” He cuddled her gently, rubbing soothing circles over her back, relieved when she started to relax again. “You’re my good, obedient girl, Min. I know you won’t intentionally flout my rules. I can tell how much you like it when I’m strict with you, but I don’t need to discipline you if it makes you anxious. You’re hard enough on yourself, and I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”</p><p>She nuzzled her cheek to his shoulder. “No, I - I do like it when you’re strict.”</p><p>“Are there things I can avoid, so it doesn’t scare you?”</p><p>She hesitated a moment. “No vibrators or restraints, and please only use the paddle or your hand if it’s for punishment. Is that okay?”</p><p>“Of course it is.” He kissed her temple. “Do you know why I won’t let you come without permission?”</p><p>“No, sir.”</p><p>“Because it pleases me to watch you struggle and to see you so eager and needy. And I know you need rules and you like asking permission for things. I love how obedient you are.” He ran his fingertips up and down her spine, smiling at her. “But I also love seeing you come, and I won’t be upset with you even if you break my rule. I know how sensitive you are, how difficult it is, little one. You won’t always be able to stop yourself, and that’s okay - hell, I’ll set you up to fail sometimes because it pleases me to.”</p><p>“You really won’t be angry with me?” She lifted her head, searching his gaze so thoroughly she could have been using Legilimency.</p><p>“No, angel. Not a bit. I just want you to try your best.” Not for the first time, he had to Occlude his rage at whoever did this to her. As she rested her forehead against his, he said, “I’ll discipline you because you need it and I like giving it to you, but I swear that I won’t ever hurt you because I’m upset with you. Okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” </p><p>She relaxed further against him and he pressed his lips to hers in a tender kiss, letting her suck his tongue as he ran his hands over her breasts and hips. It didn’t take long to coax the embers into another bonfire, and soon she was squirming in his lap, her moans escaping into his mouth as his fingertips walked up her glistening inner thigh and grazed her pussy.</p><p>“On your knees,” he said as he broke the kiss, cushioning the floor with a charm. She quickly complied, smiling at him as she settled between his legs. “Remember what I said about not touching yourself?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy. I’ll be good, I promise.” She tugged his boxers down enough to free his cock, which was quickly going from half to full mast. She nuzzled his shaft, laving his balls with her tongue and suckling them, her little whimpers humming against his skin. “You taste yummy.”</p><p>“And you’re so pretty with your mouth on me, kitten." He stroked her hair back from her face, sinking his hand into it with a little tug. “Is this what you were thinking about last night when you couldn’t keep your fingers away from your pussy?”</p><p>She blushed and nodded as she ran open-mouthed kisses along his shaft, her tongue fluttering against him. He growled softly when she sucked the head into her mouth, then took him deeper, her cheeks hollowing. She gave him slow, intense strokes, her tongue painting his skin as she cupped his balls and then wrapped one hand around the base. </p><p>“Fuck, that feels wonderful. Are you dripping for me, baby girl?”</p><p>Her answering moans were muffled on his length, and she took him deep enough to hit the back of her mouth. He kept one hand in her hair, laying the other against her neck again, eliciting a shudder.</p><p>“You can’t help yourself, can you? It’s so sexy, how much you crave my cock.” He stroked her throat with his fingertips, tightening his hand in her hair as she moaned louder and taking control of her movements until he was fucking her mouth, shallowly enough that she wouldn’t gag, while she pumped his shaft in her hand. As another shudder rippled through her and her tongue lashed against him, he said, “I know your little pussy’s swollen and aching, baby girl. It’s okay if you need to come for me while I fuck your mouth.”</p><p>She met his gaze, her own filled with need and adoration, nearly devouring him as she quivered and pressed her thighs together, her soft cries muffled on his cock. He groaned, his balls clenching dangerously. Once her trembling stilled, he pulled her off of him and loosened his grip. “Breathe, angel. Merlin, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>She blushed more deeply this time, nuzzling his shaft until her breathing evened out. “Thank you, Daddy.”</p><p>“No, thank you. You amaze me,” he said with a quiet chuckle, cupping her cheek and stroking with his thumb as she leaned into his hand. “Come up here and get on your hands and knees. I want to see the mess you’ve made.”</p><p>She scrambled onto the bed and he stood alongside her, holding her shoulders down until her back arched and nudging her thighs wider apart so she was fully exposed.</p><p>“You’ve got quite a river down here, little one. I’m going to touch you, but I don’t want you to come again until I’m inside of you. Do you think you can manage that?”</p><p>“I’ll try my best, sir.”</p><p>“I know you will.” He swept his fingers through the slick wetness coating her skin, offering them to her. She licked him clean with a little whimper as his other hand teased her molten center and he slipped a finger inside. She was so wet a second went in without much trouble, and she shivered when he stroked her, slow and gentle. He could feel her walls quivering around him - coming without being touched was fun to watch, and she’d needed it, but it hadn’t been as satisfying, he could tell. “Fuck my fingers, baby girl, just like that. Show me how much you want my cock.”</p><p>He murmured encouragement as she pressed back to him, reclaiming his other hand from her mouth and caressing her back and shoulders. She moaned as he worked a third finger inside of her. She fit him like a glove and shuddered at the stretch, rocking her hips against his hand. When she started to clench moments later, she pulled away and fisted her hands in the sheets with a frustrated whimper.</p><p>“There’s my good girl. On your back.”</p><p>She rolled over, her curls spilling over the pillows and her eyes dark with desire, and he let her clean his fingers again. Bracing himself with an elbow on either side of her head, he nuzzled his nose to hers, kissing her tenderly. As the kiss deepened and he slid his cock through her soaked folds, she breathed a pleading moan. She wound her legs around him, seeking more contact.</p><p>“Slow and gentle, angel. Remember, you don’t have to chase it." He unwound one of her legs and draped it over his shoulder, watching her gasp as he entered her.</p><p>“You feel so good, Daddy.” She clutched at his shoulders and arched up to him while he slowly sunk all the way inside, the angle allowing him to go deep. “God, I missed you.”</p><p>“I missed you, too, baby girl.” He enjoyed the moans that worked their way from her throat, stroking her hair back from her face. Her eyes fluttered closed as a shudder rippled through her. When she came after several minutes, it seemed to take her almost by surprise, and she gave a quiet cry, tightening around him. He groaned and brushed his lips against her brow, still thrusting into her with slow, deep strokes. “You’re so lovely when you come for me. Can you feel how hard you’ve made me?”</p><p>She bit her lip and nodded, little whimpers escaping her. “Please, please don’t stop, I need more. I want to feel you come inside of me,” she begged, her whimpers turning to cries as he gave her quicker, more intense thrusts. “Oh, God - “</p><p>“There you go, kitten." He reached down to rub his thumb over her throbbing clit, his cock twitching against her walls. “Come with me. Fuck, Min, that’s so good - “ He growled when she clamped down on him, drenching him in her juices as she dragged her nails down his back, milking him until he spent himself inside of her. </p><p>It took him a few minutes to recover, and he released her leg, gathering her to him and rolling so she lay against his chest. </p><p>She snuggled in close. “Thank you, sir. ‘M sorry I scratched you.”</p><p>“No need to apologize, kitten. I like your enthusiasm, claws and all,” he teased. She giggled and he pressed a kiss to her forehead, holding her tightly. “Feel alright? Not too sore?”</p><p>She shook her head, brushing her lips against his sweaty chest. “Perfect.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. i like a woman with a future and a past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Beta - Urdu for son, used by older family members to refer to younger family members. Aapa - older sister. Eid ul-Fitr is the holiday that marks the end of the lunar month of Ramadan in the Islamic calendar, and iftar is the word for the fast-breaking meal. </p><p>I subscribe to the headcanon that wizards have a diversity of religious beliefs, as Muggles do (which is rooted in canon, if mostly ignored).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I like a woman with a future and a past</em><br/>
<em>A little attitude problem all good, it'll make the shit last</em><br/>
<em>Don't make it too easy, girl, don't take it too fast</em><br/>
<em>Yeah, that's it right there, that's it, do it just like that</em><br/>
<em>Only you can do it just like that</em><br/>
<em>I know things get hard, but girl, you got it</em><br/>
<em>Girl, you got it, there you go</em><br/>
<em>It's just amazing, girl, and all I can say is</em><br/>
<em>I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so proud of you</em>
</p><p>Drake ft. Nicki Minaj, "Make Me Proud"</p><p>Thursday, October 28, 2004</p><p>Hermione stifled a yawn as she stepped through the Floo into the cottage’s library, unsurprised when Remus didn’t wake at the chime. His wards would keep out any uninvited guests, and she knew the change would have taken a lot out of him, so it didn’t worry her too much to spot him curled on the floor, wrapped tightly in a blanket. </p><p>She wanted to move him somewhere more comfortable, but she slipped off her shoes and padded quietly to the kitchen first, unpacking the things she’d brought with her. She put most of the groceries away for later, levitating a plate with a sandwich, a bottle of water, and a cup of tea with honey into the living room as she set her purse down on the coffee table. A whispered spell summoned his pajama trousers and an extra blanket from upstairs.</p><p>Kneeling next to him, she brushed his hair back from his face and smiled at how peaceful he looked in sleep, even though the transformation left him drawn and pale. They'd spent Saturday and Sunday at her flat, and she enjoyed exploring her neighborhood and cuddling with him. Their usual activities were somewhat limited, since the side effects lingered from the first dose; he took Wednesday off and she hoped he’d be taking tomorrow, too. She’d given him a potion for the neuromuscular pain, but despite that and her changes to the formula, it would never be an easy process.</p><p>“Remus, wake up.” She squeezed his shoulder gently. It took a couple more tries before his eyes fluttered open.</p><p>“Min? Am I dreaming?” he said, voice rough with sleep as he touched her cheek. “No, if this were a dream you’d be wearing fewer clothes.”</p><p>“Pretty sure the Ministry frowns on nudity in the Floo, Daddy.” She giggled, nuzzling his hand. “I’m relieved to see your wonderfully filthy mind survived the night intact, though. Here, drink this. Doesn’t taste great, but it’ll help.”</p><p>She cradled his head when he lifted it to down the vial she put to his mouth. “What time is it? You should be home resting, angel.”</p><p>“Ten. And I plan to rest in a minute, but I would have been lonely.” A night of frolicking with the kids in her Animagus form and a morning making sure all the patients got dressed, ate if they could manage it, and made it to sleep did take a lot out of her, but checking on him was more important. “Think you can make it to the living room? I Transfigured the couch wider, I didn’t want you to have to deal with the stairs.” </p><p>When he nodded, she helped him up and to the next room, tucking herself against him when he sat, still wrapped in the blanket. Unlike the magic of Animagi transformations, werewolves didn’t keep their clothes.</p><p>“Can you manage a sandwich? I got your pjs, too, if you want them.”</p><p>“No to clothes.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Yes to food, actually. Those must be some potions, I usually can't stomach anything the day after.” She handed him the teacup and balanced the plate on his lap. He took a sip of tea and said, “Always tastes better when you make it.”</p><p>She hid her pleased smile against his shoulder as he kissed her forehead. “I have to work tomorrow, but can I stay with you this weekend?”</p><p>“Of course you can, baby girl. I’ve missed you, this was a lovely surprise. And I’m off tomorrow, you can stay tonight, too, if you want. ”</p><p>“I missed you, too.” They’d exchanged plenty of notes during the week, and she still thought of him and kept to his rules about masturbating and asking permission to come. But more than the sex, she missed being in his arms. She yawned again, rubbing her cheek affectionately to his shoulder.</p><p>“You’re adorable when you’re sleepy.” He finished his tea and half of the sandwich, setting the cup and plate on the table. “Come on, little one. Trousers off, you can keep your t-shirt and panties if you want.”</p><p>She shimmied out of her blue cat-print pajama trousers and stretched out next to him when he laid down. He dragged her back against his chest, winding his arm around her waist and slipping his hand beneath her shirt to stroke her stomach as he tucked her into the blanket. </p><p>“Want me to get the extra blanket?” she murmured drowsily.</p><p>“Don’t need it. You always keep me warm, my little bluebell flame.”</p>
<hr/><p>“You should be resting, beta.” </p><p>Hermione let Zain lean into her side as he accosted her in the hallway at the end of the ward on Friday morning, her voice a whisper as she closed the door leading into the room shared by the three youngest patients. A caregiver watched over them when they slept, but the transformation was hardest before puberty and past middle age, and little Malia had had a rough go of it this time. Thankfully, she calmed and got back to sleep once Hermione sang to her. </p><p>She wasn’t sure if it was the Wolfsbane leaving her system that caused the girl’s agitation or the fact that at five, she was too young to take most of the palliative remedies that helped the others with pain and restless sleep. It could have just been trauma from missing her family or memories of the bite; she’d come to the ward the year before.</p><p>The hospital arranged for therapy as needed for all the long-term patients and tutoring and caregivers for the kids, but that didn’t do much to ease the deep wounds of abandonment and lack of socialization. And since there wasn’t public support for a group home outside of it, they had nowhere else to go. The adults tried to look after them, but they had issues of their own - they usually ended up on the ward because the Wolfsbane didn’t work for them or because they couldn’t support themselves with the restrictions and prejudice. </p><p>Most of the kids would be able to leave when they came of age, at least. And if she had her way, they wouldn’t have to fight as hard to make a life outside of this place.</p><p>“I know, I know.” At 15, Zain already towered over her, all limbs and messy hair that sometimes reminded her of Harry. He waited until they were out of the hall and in the central sitting room that formed the hub of the ward. “But your new version was better, and anyway, I need to talk to you before you get busy.” </p><p>“I always have time to talk to you, busy or not,” she reminded him with a smile, gathering her robes and taking a seat on the worn leather couch as he flopped down next to her.</p><p>He tugged something out of the pocket of his pajama trousers and handed it to her, tension lining his brow. “Nott says I need your permission.”</p><p>The teens showed most of the staff little respect, something Hermione couldn’t fault, since they got little respect and no autonomy. She liked Theo Nott, though; she’d barely known him when they were students, but he was one of the few Healers who didn’t turn his nose up at shifts on the ward, and he had a steady hand in the crises they’d worked together on the emergency wing. She unfolded the parchment and scanned it. </p><p>“Zain - “</p><p>“Please, aapa. I’ve done everything you asked. I’m even making up my fasts like you said, okay? I just - “</p><p>“Save your breath, kid,” she said with a laugh as she ruffled his hair. “I’m not saying no. Let me read this first.”</p><p>Ramadan had begun a couple of weeks before, and though he had a rebellious streak, deep down, Zain was observant. They connected over their shared heritage when she first came to work on the ward, but there’d been a row over her rule that he skip fasting around the full and make it up after the holy month was over - exemptions were a given when it came to illness, and he couldn’t get by anymore on the fact that the rest of the staff weren’t conversant enough to call him out for overdoing it.</p><p>He’d been bitten at 11 and ended up here when he should have been at Hogwarts. Holidays were the hardest - because they were meant to be a time of connection with family, but also because the ward lacked even the token gestures granted for the holidays most of the other patients celebrated. His parents would be gathering daily at London’s wizarding mosque for shared meals and evening prayers with the rest of the community. </p><p>But he hadn’t seen them for two years, and now they were asking to take him for three days over Eid in mid-November. She wasn’t around for his last home visit, but the notes in his file and the things he’d told her in the past were enough to paint a worrying picture. She ran a tired hand through her hair, holding his brown eyes with her own. </p><p>“Do you actually want to see them, or do you just need a break?”</p><p>He shot her a guilty look. “Does it matter?”</p><p>“I know you don’t like it here, beta. I know you’re tired of it. But I’m not going to send you there if it just means you’ll come back feeling worse about yourself.” She dragged him into a hug. </p><p>“It’s just three days,” he said, wriggling out of her arms. He could never decide whether he craved affection or was too cool for it. “And it’s not like they’ll pay attention to me anyway. I’ll probably spend most of it with my cousins, they’re alright. <em>Please</em>, Hermione.”</p><p>She sighed and summoned a quill to scribble her signature. “If something happens, I’m a Floo away, okay? Whoever’s on shift can get ahold of me if I’m not here. And I don’t need to remind you not to brag to the others, do I?”</p><p>“No, aapa,” he said with a long-suffering roll of his eyes, but he beamed at her for the first time in weeks. Maybe it would be a good thing, to snap him out of the funk he’d been in lately. She’d have to make time to hang out with him for iftar next week. </p><p>“Good.” She tugged him in for another squeeze. “Now, what am I getting you for Eid?”</p>
<hr/><p>When Hermione made it back to Remus’s for the evening, he was upstairs napping. He slept most of Thursday - they both did - and he would have been up and around more today, but it relieved her to know that he didn’t push himself around the full and that his work schedule was so flexible. She set a silencing charm on the kitchen so she wouldn’t wake him. He came in a half hour later as she pulled chicken out of the oven and sliced it to go atop pasta and veggies.</p><p>“You came prepared,” he said with surprise as he rested a hand on her hip and dropped a kiss in her hair. She turned and ran her palms down his torso, bare to the hip, where he wore soft knit trousers. He tipped her head up and pressed his mouth to hers then, sweet and tender. “Mm. Thank you, baby girl.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, sir,” she said with a shy smile. She followed him to the table with their plates and brought water, taking the corner seat next to him rather than across, her knee brushing his.</p><p>“How was the hospital?”</p><p>“Like normal. The new formulation worked better for them, too, thankfully.” </p><p>She kept revisiting her conversation with Zain in her head, though. She’d talked it over with her boss, Moira, who agreed it was the right decision. But while she looked up to the Senior Healer, the woman wasn’t exactly known for her emotional range or her vast experience with navigating teenage drama.</p><p>Remus touched her cheek gently, dragging her from her thoughts. “What’s wrong, angel?”</p><p>“Nothing, just worried about one of my patients. It’ll sort itself out, though, I shouldn’t borrow trouble." She shrugged one shoulder.</p><p>“Sure you don’t want to talk about it?”</p><p>“No - thank you, though.” She squeezed his hand and changed the subject. “I meant to ask last time how you ended up living in Yorkshire. I thought you were from Dublin.”</p><p>“My mum was, I grew up there - they had a flat in the city. But this cottage belonged to my dad’s parents, and we moved down here when I was 15.”</p><p>“It’s lovely.”</p><p>“It was a wreck when they passed, I didn’t get around to renovating it until after the war. But I’m glad you like it.” He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “When it gets warmer we’ll have to go hiking, there are a lot of neat spots near the coast.”</p><p>After dinner, they returned to the living room and she put the couch back to rights, kneeling at his feet once he was settled there with a book. His knowing smile drew a blush; he could tell how much she liked being at his feet, how much she missed it when they were apart. She laid her head in his lap with a contented sigh as he wove one hand into her hair, picking up where they’d left off the weekend before in the Muggle fantasy novel they were reading together.</p><p>“Enjoying yourself, kitten?” he murmured a while later.</p><p>She’d lost track of time. She was paying attention to the story, but more to the feeling of his hand stroking her hair and the warmth of his thigh against her cheek. “Yes, sir.”</p><p>“Those sweet mewls are adorable,” he said with a chuckle as she blushed again. She hadn’t realized she was making any noise. “It’s a good thing you like being petted so much, because I don’t think I could keep my hands off of you if I tried.”</p><p>She nuzzled his leg, pressing a kiss to the top of his thigh. “Thank you for petting me, Daddy.”</p><p>“My pleasure, angel.” He set the book aside, marking the page. “Go strip and start the shower. I’ll be right behind you.”</p><p>He followed her upstairs just as she’d gotten the temperature right, and even worn from the full, he looked so damn gorgeous that her breath caught - all tanned, freckled skin and rippling muscle and silvery scars, with soft laugh lines that framed his mouth and the corners of his warm green eyes.</p><p><em>Down, girl.</em> She missed being with him like that, but she was content to spend time with him in whatever way she could. </p><p>He turned her to tuck her back against his chest and wrapped his arms around her as he walked her under the spray. He washed her first, little noises of pleasure rising from her throat at the light tug of her hair when he rinsed it, and at the feeling of his hands sweeping over her breasts and torso and along her thighs. She swallowed them, knowing he probably wouldn’t feel up to dealing with her insatiable drive at the moment. She couldn’t hide her shiver as the damp flannel touched her center, though. His hand replaced it a moment later, his fingers dipping into her folds, slick with her own wetness, and she bit back a moan.</p><p>“Daddy, I know you’re tired. We don’t have to - “</p><p>His hand cracked down on her ass so suddenly that she gasped and jumped, more from the surprise than the pain. “Face the wall, hands against it, above your head. Spread your legs.”</p><p>“Yes, sir,” she said, her cheeks flushing with shame as she quickly complied. “I’m sorry for questioning you.”</p><p>“I know you are. I’m not upset with you, angel.” He came up behind her and pressed his body against hers, the contact and his words a gentle reassurance. She shivered again as his hand wrapped lightly around her throat. “Are you still mine, Min?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.”</p><p>“This beautiful body, is it still mine?” She moaned as he traced her slit with the fingertips of his other hand. “And this little pussy that gets so wet when I remind you who you belong to?”</p><p>“Yes, sir, it’s yours,” she said with a shudder as his thumb stroked the hollow of her throat. “I’m yours.”</p><p>“And did I give you permission to hold back? Did I tell you you could stifle those sweet sounds you make when you’re so eager for me?” He nipped her shoulder, right where the branches of her jacaranda tree curved.</p><p>“No, sir.”</p><p>“No, I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love how thoughtful you are and how much you like serving me, little one. That Florence Nightingale dream I had yesterday morning was a welcome surprise.” He kissed her temple. “But you need to trust that I know my limitations, and that I’m still responsible for you, no matter what. Alright?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy.” She caught her lower lip between her teeth. “I was just afraid you’d feel obligated, or - or that you wouldn’t want me.”</p><p>“I know you were. But it’s my job to make those decisions, not yours. Your job is to be your lovely responsive self, to let me know what you’re feeling and let me decide what happens next. I’ll never reject you for your eagerness, baby girl. I adore that about you.”</p><p>“I’m so grateful for you, Daddy,” she said with a smile. She needed that - the trust and the caregiving - but it was hard not to be self-conscious sometimes. He was so different from anyone else she’d been with.</p><p>“I’m grateful for you, too, angel.” His hand slipped from her throat to cup her breast, and she breathed a whimper as he rolled her nipple between his fingers. “I doubt you’ll forget this conversation, but I’m going to give you a lesson to reinforce it. If you close your legs or come while I’m spanking you, the first thing that’ll happen when we get out of the shower is a paddling. Understood?”</p><p>“Yes, sir,” she said, a bit foggy with need. She was relieved that their conversation about punishments hadn’t dampened his willingness to be strict, because the reminder of his authority made her feel safe and cared for, not to mention fanning the flames of her arousal. But at least if it was just a spanking she probably wouldn’t - </p><p>“Oh!” she gasped with a little jump as his hand came down on her pussy, the gentle slap stinging her wet skin and turning to a spreading warmth that made her clit throb. <em>Okay, the whole not coming thing just got complicated.</em> The humiliation of getting more and more wet and pleading at her punishment would feed her arousal, and he knew it. That was part of the lesson; she loved the predicaments he put her in as much as he did, even when they frustrated the hell out of her.</p><p>“Alright, angel?” he murmured, his other arm encircling her in a firm embrace. She nodded. “Fourteen more. You don’t need to count, but let me know if you need a break.”</p><p>“Yes, sir,” she said breathlessly. The next few were still gentle, and the fact that he didn’t tease her in between helped her keep some composure, but as he continued and his hand came down more firmly a few times in a row, she gave a soft cry. “Fucking hell. I - I need a minute, please.”</p><p>“Of course, baby girl. Are you hurting too much?” He dipped his head to press a kiss to the side of her neck.</p><p>“No, but I’m so close, Daddy." Her toes curled under as she prayed for some of the warmth to recede.</p><p>“Mm. You’re dripping, little kitten. You do like my discipline, don’t you?” He nuzzled her neck. “I want you to appreciate how much restraint I’m showing by not making things more difficult for you. You’re so tempting, it’s hard to keep my hands and my mouth off of you.”</p><p>“Thank you so much, sir.” She took deep breaths, the thought of how much she wanted his mouth and hands on her running counter to her goal of bringing herself back from the ledge. After a couple of minutes, though, she relaxed enough to say, “O - okay. Think I’m ready.”</p><p>“Good. Only six more. Let me know if you need another break.”</p><p>She nodded, a pleading moan working its way from her throat as he returned to the same firm intensity. After the second, she was shuddering. On the third and fourth, she cried out again, more from the difficulty of holding herself back than from the pain.</p><p>“Please, Daddy,” she begged, her voice ragged and her hands fisting against the wall. “Holy fuck.”</p><p>“Shh, angel. It’s alright, just breathe.” He rubbed a hand over her stomach. “You’re doing so good.”</p><p>She tried to think of anything except how wet and sensitive she was, how good it was to feel him so close, the way his half-hard cock pressed into her lower back, but it was a futile exercise. Finally, after a couple of minutes of deep breaths, she calmed enough that she thought she could make it through the last two. “Okay. I’m ready, sir.”</p><p>They came sharp and in quick succession, making her curse and cry out, and she trembled as she tried to obey him and keep her legs open. The bite of the pain gave her something else to focus on besides the ache in her core, but it quickly mellowed into warmth and a rush of endorphins that left her on edge and moaning.</p><p>“Th - thank you for teaching me a lesson, sir,” she whispered, grinding back against him as he stroked her torso and hips, soothing her with his hands. She was flushed and panting, afraid the smallest touch would spark an explosion.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” he said as he drew her hands down from the wall and turned her to face him, cupping her cheek. “You took your punishment so well, baby girl. I’m proud of you.”</p><p>“Thank you, Daddy.” She nuzzled his hand as her breathing evened out a bit. “I promise I won’t forget.”</p><p>“I know you won’t. But I know how much you like it when I remind you.” He smiled and shifted so they were both standing under the warm spray as he washed himself. Once he'd finished, he toweled her dry and kissed her forehead. “Get ready for bed and go to my room. No clothes allowed.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” His ablutions took less time than hers, and she worked coconut oil into her hair and moisturized her face before cleaning her teeth. There were spells for it, but the memory of her parents’ comical horror at the thought of skimping on brushing and flossing was one that didn’t strangle her heart, so she always did it the Muggle way. It made her feel oddly closer to them.</p><p>That was another thing that she’d eventually have to open up about if she kept seeing him. Making up excuses to everyone during her holiday visits had been one thing, but he could see right through her, and she didn’t like hiding things from him. But she also didn’t know if she could handle the way he might look at her if she revealed what she’d done to her parents. And she knew she couldn't handle the way he'd see her or what might happen if she told him about Brian.</p><p>With a sigh, she stowed those morose thoughts for the moment. The curiosity about what he had planned before bed and the thought of spending the next two nights in his arms were enough to put a smile back on her face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. her conscience lit a cigarette</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Whump incoming in scenes 2 and 3. Spoilery trigger warnings in end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>She was cuffed to the truth like the truth was a chair</em><br/>
<em>Bright interrogation light in her eyes</em><br/>
<em>And her conscience lit a cigarette and just stood there</em><br/>
<em>Waiting for her to crack, waiting for her to cry</em><br/>
<em>‘Cause there was light and then there was darkness</em><br/>
<em>But there was no line in between</em><br/>
<em>And asking her heart for guidance</em><br/>
<em>Was like pleading with a machine</em>
</p><p>Ani Difranco, “fierce/flawless”</p><p>Tuesday, November 9, 2004</p><p>The fragrance of coffee called her from the depths of sleep.</p><p>Hermione stretched, burrowing under the duvet as she felt the bed dip. She opened her eyes a moment later to see Remus sitting on the edge of it, watching her with a smile on his face. He was already dressed in the slacks and button-down he wore under his work robes. </p><p>She usually spent weekends and some Wednesdays, but when he asked before he left her flat yesterday morning if she wanted to come over to his place after work, she gave into her desire to spend another weeknight without a second thought.</p><p>She was getting too used to waking up to that smile.</p><p>“Good morning, little one.” He brushed her hair back from her face, tracing her brow with his thumb before he set the mug in his other hand on the nightstand. She’d stashed a French press at his house the first time she stayed over. He may not have been a coffee drinker, but he was a quick learner and he enjoyed making it for her.</p><p>“Morning, Daddy,” she murmured, rolling onto her side. She started to sit up but he pushed her back down. “What - “</p><p>Her drowsy exclamation was cut off when he leaned over her, pressing his lips to hers. He smelled clean, like his woodsy soap and the almond oil he used on his beard, and she blushed and turned her head to cast a mouth-cleansing charm.</p><p>“Silly girl,” he whispered, maneuvering her to look at him again and kissing her soundly. He tasted of honey and bergamot, and she moaned against his lips. By the time he released her she was breathless, and his mouth found her cheek and her neck, his tongue tracing her collarbone. His hand slipped beneath the blankets, and she made a strangled noise as he slid it between her legs, pushing them apart firmly and dragging his nails up the inside of her thigh. </p><p>“Fuck.” She gasped and shivered. “What - what time is it?”</p><p>“Too late for a <em>proper</em> breakfast, unfortunately,“ he said lasciviously, tugging the blanket down to flick his tongue against her nipple and drawing another moan as he stroked her slit, still sticky with the remnants of both of their arousal from last night. “But my little angel needed her rest, and whetting my appetite will keep me pleasantly distracted in class today.”</p><p>“Daddy - “ It came out a pleading sigh as she rocked up to him. His knack for saying sweet things with complete sincerity - and an undercurrent of absolute filth - made her wet as hell. She could feel her arousal building as he fluttered his fingertips along her center, refusing to give her the friction she craved. “Daddy, please.“</p><p>“What is it, kitten?” He caught her nipple between his teeth and sucked it until she arched up to him, letting it go with a wet sound. “Do you need something?”</p><p>“I need you to fuck me.” She met his mischievous gaze, catching her bottom lip between her teeth. </p><p>“Is that right?” He nuzzled at her other breast and laved the peak with his tongue, still teasing her slit. She released her lip as her breath came in soft pants, her hips writhing. “Do you need to ride Daddy’s hand until you come?”</p><p>“Yes, please,” she whimpered, spreading herself wider. He loved making her admit things until she couldn’t stop blushing, because she usually couldn’t stop begging and dripping, either.</p><p>He grazed her nipple with his teeth before he released it. “Are you going to be a good girl and soak my sheets? Only messy little girls get to ride my hand.”</p><p><em>Jesus fucking Christ.</em> If he kept talking like that she’d be wetting the sheets before he even got his fingers in her. “Yes, Daddy, I promise I’ll be good. Please, I need it,” she said with a soft whine as he pulled away a few inches, chuckling.</p><p>He finally gave her one finger, then a second, the tenderness of last night’s activities making her more sensitive to the stretch and drag of his calloused skin. She bent her knees and pressed her feet into the mattress for leverage, rocking eagerly against his hand. </p><p>“There you go.” He interlaced his other hand with hers next to her head, leaning over her and brushing his lips to her brow before he met her eyes. The intensity in his made her feel bare in a way that had nothing to do with her lack of clothing. “I’ve got you, little one. I’ll take care of you,” he whispered, his words soothing and arousing her at the same time as they coaxed forth that frightening flutter of warmth behind her ribs.</p><p>In contrast to his soft voice, his hand met her hips firmly, though he was careful, knowing she’d still be tender. He let her grind on the heel of his palm with each stroke, the friction against her clit making her quiver as his fingers crooked inside of her.</p><p>“God - “ Whatever else she might have wanted to say was drowned by a wordless cry as she clamped down on him, shuddering and squirting over his hand. It took several moments for the aftershocks to subside, and only then did he pull out, offering her his dripping fingers. His heated gaze bored into her as she sucked them into her mouth and moaned, licking them clean as best she could.</p><p>“That’s my good girl.” She gave a happy shiver at the praise, and he retrieved his hand from her mouth, a cleansing charm erasing the rest of her from his palm and the wet edge of his sleeve. He pulled her to sit up, gathering her in his powerful embrace. A little mewl escaped her as he gave her a gentle kiss.</p><p>“Mm. You taste like heaven, and the memory of that look in your eyes will be a most welcome distraction.” He pressed his lips to her cheek and her temple. “Thank you, baby girl.”</p><p>“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered, nuzzling into his neck and hugging him tight.</p><p>He stroked her sleep-mussed hair. “It’s not quite eight, so you’ve got a bit. I want you to come for me again before you go to work, because I know you’ll be tired after your shift.”</p><p>She smiled shyly against his neck. “I will. Have a good day, sir.”</p><p>“You, too, angel.” He hugged her close before he let her go. Flashing her a roguish grin as he stood, he added, “Enjoy your coffee.”</p>
<hr/><p>“An OD just came in, room 5. ID’ed the patient, conscious but hasn’t been evaluated yet. You want it?”</p><p>Hermione glanced at Theo as she made her way over to the central desk after her morning inventory of the emergency wing's potions stores. His chiseled features bore the same efficient, unhurried expression as always, and he spared her a small smile, but the harsh overhead lighting illuminated the lines of tension around his mouth. Some of the Healers judged patients in that situation, but she was grateful that he didn’t - that his reaction was concern and not disdain.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll take it.” She didn’t mind that mental health crises usually got shunted her way when she was on the wing. Sometimes there wasn’t much she could do, but at least they’d be treated by someone who wasn’t an ass about it.</p><p>He handed her the patient’s record, and she was halfway down the hall that held private rooms for more serious cases when she unfurled the parchment that summarized their treatment history. Mungo’s was the only wizarding hospital in the U.K., so it wasn’t unusual that they already had something, but -</p><p><em>Fuck me.</em> She staggered into the wall outside the closed door without the presence of mind to care if anyone saw. She counted her breaths, trying to breathe through the tightness in her chest and into her diaphragm as she pressed her cheek and hand against the wall, using the coolness and texture to ground herself. <em>It’s just a feeling, it can’t hurt you.</em></p><p>She hadn’t had a panic attack or a flashback in almost a year, and she didn’t intend to start again now.</p><p>Thankfully it was a quiet morning so far. Once her anxiety was a controlled buzz instead of a tidal wave, she made sure she hadn’t been noticed and walked briskly back to the desk. Pulling her purse from under it, she fished out a vial and palmed it before Theo could see.</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Hermione said with the best fake smile and even tone she could manage. Too many years of freedom had left her acting skills rusty. “I used to know the patient. It’s fine, though. Who’d she come in with?” </p><p>“Another woman, she’s in the waiting area. I didn’t catch her name.” At least that meant Brian wasn’t in the building - not that he made a habit of taking his victims to proper Healers. Theo laid a hand on her arm. “You sure you want to take this one?”</p><p>“Yeah. We weren’t close, but maybe it’s better that it’s me. She might listen.” Overdose patients rarely did; it was an endless dilemma of not wanting to die and not wanting to live, one Hermione knew intimately. She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring look before she disappeared back down the hallway, hesitating only a moment before knocking and entering.</p><p>“Hi, Gemma.” She looked the tall redhead over as she closed the door and put up a standing diagnosis spell.</p><p>“H’rmione - thought you - “ Gemma coughed and Hermione summoned a small plastic basin from the counter, catching her just in time as she retched over the side of the bed.</p><p>She summoned a cup and filled it with an Aguamenti, then pulled the unlabeled blue glass vial from the pocket of her robes as she scanned the results of the spell. It told her vitals and basic info, flagging areas she’d want to look more deeply at. She added a couple of targeted ones that showed chronic liver inflammation and traces of central nervous system damage.</p><p>About what one might expect for a calming draught overdose with a liquor chaser in a patient with a long history of using. A pregnant patient.</p><p>“Jesus, Gem.” Feeling nauseated as she noticed that indicator on the general spell, Hermione held the cup to Gemma’s lips until she took a sip of water, then uncapped the vial. <em>Thank fuck sober-up's not contraindicated.</em></p><p>“Rinse your mouth out and take this. It’s one of mine, not the hospital’s. Undetectable.” Even pale, sweating, and barely clinging to consciousness, Gemma looked wary as she spit into the basin. Hermione put the vial to her mouth. “Look, I don’t have any reason to lie to you. I swear he won’t be able to tell, okay?”</p><p>It had taken her months to innovate a sober-up that couldn’t be picked up by tox spells, but she managed not long before she left for France. Scanning dirty wasn’t a problem, but he’d beaten her more than once when he caught her taking sober-up. </p><p>Once Gemma relented and swallowed the potion, Hermione pocketed the empty vial. She went to the sink on the far side of the room to dampen a cloth, then tugged a stool over and perched on it.</p><p>Hopefully one vial would be enough - she kept a couple in the drawer in her office, but Dai Llewellyn was down several hallways and up on a different floor. It would take her ten minutes to get there and back, in the unlikely event that she didn’t get waylaid with something on the ward. The hospital didn't allow Apparition outside designated locations.</p><p>As she waited for the potion to work, she pressed the cloth to Gemma’s forehead and threw up a more extensive tox spell that told her the woman was still using daily, if in smaller quantities than she used to. But Hermione had expected that; even if he wasn’t forcing it on her, sometimes it was the only way to get through the day. She canceled it and glanced at the others again before she added a pre-natal spell. </p><p>“Thought you were dead,” Gemma said after a while. Her vitals were finally coming off the floor, though her voice was still slightly slurred. </p><p>Hermione snorted humorlessly. She’d disappeared off the face of the earth four years ago - kept her leaving quiet, used a pseudonym for the research she published during her apprenticeships, barely visited or kept in contact with her friends. Even the post-war press dried up. But Brian knew full well she was alive. She kept her return quiet, too, but he’d find out eventually. She was banking on the shaky hope that the fact he hadn’t pursued her to France meant he’d moved on.</p><p>“What, did he try to use that to keep you in line? You know every other word out of his mouth is a lie.” </p><p>“Not the threats,” she shot back. “Ugh, I feel like shit.”</p><p><em>No, not the threats.</em> “You could use another vial, but I’ve only got the hospital’s stuff.”</p><p>“I’m good.” Gemma started to sit up and Hermione pressed her back down. “I don’t need more reasons for him to - “</p><p>“I know.” Hermione raked a hand through her hair. “Look, I have to keep you under observation for a while in case of seizures. You’ll be in better shape this afternoon. Where does he think you are?”</p><p>“With my family. My sister’s the one who dragged me here. If I’d known she’d - ” She broke off with a weary, resigned shake of her head. After ten years of this shit, she was adept at managing the complications of an overdose at home, assuming someone administered the potion. She’d be pissed about the forced hospital trip, though she needed to be checked out and so did the baby. The patient file told Hermione she’d only been in for one other emergency visit a few years back - not so much as a routine checkup since before she came of age. “I have to go back to the mansion tonight.”</p><p>“They still don’t know?”</p><p>“They have their suspicions, but he rarely lets me see them. You know how it is.”</p><p>She did. Push the people who love you away long enough, act difficult enough, and if they don’t know the signs, they’ll just get frustrated with you and give up. Then it’s easy to keep you isolated. It was one of the things that made him impossible to get away from.</p><p>“Were you trying to end it this time?” Mixing it with alcohol was reckless and unpredictable, but with her tolerance, determining a lethal dose of calming would have been difficult.</p><p>Gemma shot Hermione a dark look. “Who the hell knows.”</p><p>She looked away. She knew how that was, too. “You don’t have to go back. We’ll figure something out. We can - we can bring a case against him.” She had to force the words out through the terror constricting her throat. <em>So much for Gryffindor bravery.</em></p><p>“Don’t be stupid.” Her tone was acid. “I know you looked into that before you left. Look me in the eye and tell me we’re anymore likely to get him put in Azkaban now than we were then. Look at me and tell me he won’t kill us before it even goes to trial.”</p><p>Hermione turned her face to the ceiling as she blinked back tears, inhaling sharply. That tug of war with her conscience had eaten her alive for four fucking years. “You have a child to think about. If you keep using - “</p><p>“I tried to leave a couple of months ago.” When Hermione’s gaze snapped to hers, Gemma wrapped her arms around herself. “After he beat me, that - that’s when he got me pregnant.”</p><p>This time she felt more than nauseous, but she swallowed the bile rising in her throat. The fact that Gemma had tried was a shock; she was one of his first, the one who’d been with him the longest. All the fight had long since been tortured out of her when they met. And even if she hadn’t known Brian’s twisted bullshit inside and out, Hermione knew from her research on domestic violence cases outside of the lifestyle that trapping a victim with pregnancy wasn’t unusual. Like addiction, it made you more vulnerable. More dependent. </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” she said softly, touching the other woman’s arm.</p><p>Gemma gave a discomfited shrug as she pulled away. “He’s more careful now. I hate to call it a temporary reprieve, but - “ She shook her head. </p><p>Hermione didn’t bother asking whether she’d considered other options. He’d make her suffer for an abortion.</p><p>“You have to taper off, Gem,” she said with a sigh. “The pre-natal spells are a miracle right now, but it’ll be a different story in a month. Not to mention, your liver needs a break. I can give you a potion to help with the withdrawal, something that won’t hurt the baby.”</p><p>Gemma clenched her jaw. “I’ll work on it.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll get you that before you discharge, and I’ll check in every hour. I have to order a psych eval, it’s procedure. I’m sorry.”</p><p>She gave Hermione a tight smile and the kind of look that only came from a history of shared hell. “It’s not like we don’t know how to lie through them.”</p><p>Letting go of the outcome of a case was the hardest part of being a Healer. Letting go of the outcome when you knew it meant horrific violence that you could do nothing to end - that was impossible.</p><p>But Hermione had long since learned to compartmentalize what she couldn’t change. As doing the impossible was sort of her thing, she managed to get Gemma discharged before her absence would be noticed by Brian, securing a promise that she'd try to come back for pre-natal appointments. And somehow she made it through the rest of her shift without falling apart.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Everything hurts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Hurt’ doesn’t mean anything anymore. On a scale of 1-10, she once pegged the Cruciatus at a 10, but the Cruciatus doesn’t shred your skin or hit you hard enough to damage your kidneys. And it can only be applied for so long without granting the reprieve of death or insanity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Canes and whips and fists, on the other hand - those are just limited by the strength of the wielder's arm. And there are spells to repair skin and bones and organs, to put someone right enough to be torn apart again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He didn’t this time, but she manages to heal the worst of it so she can Apparate home. She barely feels the splinch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Home’ doesn’t mean anything anymore, either. But it’s somewhere else to go, somewhere quiet where she can be alone. Her mind’s quiet, too. There's a word for that: dissociation. She never leaves herself entirely - just enough to put some distance between her mind and the body that isn’t hers any longer. A wall to stay uncomfortably numb. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s a comfortable certainty keeping the numbness company tonight.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She sits on the edge of the bed and considers the nightstand. Her blood’s staining the sheets, but if she’s lucky, she won’t - </em>
</p><p>Hermione jerked awake before dawn to the sound of her own sobs, her heaving breath resounding in the still dark of her bedroom. She flicked the lamp on to join the light of the waning moon, swiping at her cheeks once she got her tears under control. It took a few more minutes to even out her breathing.</p><p>The experiments that had helped her learn to resist the potions also helped her wake more quickly sometimes, but that couldn’t stop the nightmares. Only time and healing had lessened their frequency. She’d expected them tonight, but this one rarely came up, and she hated it the most.</p><p>With a frustrated sigh, she disentangled herself from the sweat-dampened sheets. The clock by her bed told her it was 4:30; she’d gone to bed at 11, like she promised Remus, but it took her a long time to fall asleep. She wouldn’t be getting more, though, so she opted for a shower instead, scouring herself until the hot water ran out.</p><p>By the time she finished her second cup of coffee a couple of hours later, she knew he would be awake. She hesitated only a moment before closing the Potions journal she was catching up on and pulling out her phone.</p><p>‘I know I said I’d come over tonight, but I’m in the middle of some research stuff - can we plan for Friday instead?’</p><p>‘Sure, baby girl. Don’t work too hard.’</p><p>Shoving down her guilt, she started to text back, then the knot in her stomach tightened as she remembered she was supposed to take Friday off of work for her meeting at the Ministry. Her hectic work schedule and lackluster social life had played in her favor in the months she’d been back, shielding her from her fear of running into Brian in public. But she still struggled not to look over her shoulder in wizarding restaurants or when shopping in Diagon. Logically, she’d known that her reform work would require plenty of trips to the Ministry, but the reality of actually having to walk its halls hadn’t quite sunk in.</p><p>She took a deep breath. Just because his father worked there didn’t mean she was anymore likely to run into him there than anywhere else. And maybe the trip wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if it meant she got to see Remus.</p><p>She’d make the expensive international call to her therapist at lunch. Sabine had referred her to someone closer to home, but starting over with a new person felt like too much work, so they still made a regular thing of it. By Friday her nightmares would probably chill out and the rest of her crazy would be back to a dull roar. </p><p>‘I won’t. I’m off Friday for a visit with the head of the Dept That Must Not Be Named. Wanna grab lunch after?’</p><p>‘LOL. Changing the name’s on the agenda, knowing you. And of course I do :) We can work in a spar if you want, the Aurory’s setup beats my house.’</p><p>‘K. Have a good day, sir :)’</p><p>‘You too, angel.’</p><p>She snapped her phone shut and dropped her head in her hands. Hitting something sounded like an excellent idea. She did have research to do, but she could squeeze in a gym trip after work.</p><p>Getting her ass kicked in an honest spar had a way of dragging her back from the abyss and grounding her in her skin. And even though fighting back had never been an option with Brian, being good at it now made her feel a little less powerless.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Trigger warnings: mention of domestic violence in a D/s relationship, addiction, drug overdose, forced pregnancy (not Hermione’s). Semi-graphic overdose aftermath (not Hermione’s) and flashback to the aftermath of abuse.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. who wants rumors of the two of us?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I wasn't looking for love, I was looking for a buzz</em><br/>
<em>So at times I would lie and say, "I'm busy,” yo</em><br/>
<em>'Cause it's too much, and it's too clutch</em><br/>
<em>Who wants rumors of the two of us?</em><br/>
<em>But when you're away, I can't get you out of my mind</em><br/>
<em>But what if I'm not the one and you're wasting your time?</em><br/>
<em>But you waited</em><br/>
<em>Anybody, anybody, anybody wanna buy a heart?</em><br/>
<em>Anybody, anybody, anybody wanna buy trust?</em>
</p><p>Nicki Minaj ft. Meek Mill, “Buy a Heart”</p><p>Thursday, November 11, 2004</p><p>“Did you sleep last night?” Sabine’s soft French accent filtered through the phone, with only a little static. She was a Muggle-born and kept a landline, thank goodness.</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, I had one nightmare, but I got back to sleep, at least. Thanks for talking with me yesterday, and switching times around.”</p><p>“Of course. How are you feeling about what happened?”</p><p>Hermione sat back on the couch and raked a hand through her hair with a sigh. “It was fucking awful, but it doesn’t change anything.”</p><p>“You’re still allowed to have feelings about it, Hermione,” Sabine reminded her gently.</p><p>“I know.” She much preferred not to have feelings about it.</p><p>“Have you talked to Remus yet?”</p><p>“About this? No.” She swallowed hard. “You don’t know him, Sabine. If I tell him anything, he’ll push for an investigation whether I want it or not. He won’t be able to let it go, it’s not who he is.”</p><p>In the abstract, she knew that if asked he'd say it should be up to the victim, that restoring agency mattered. He had a way of being sensitive to her trauma - what he knew of it, at least - without treating her like she couldn't make her own choices or like he was afraid of breaking her in half, for which she was grateful.</p><p>But if she was the victim and she refused to press charges when he thought something could be done about it? It would tear him apart. And if he learned the depth of it, how much danger she might still be in, he wouldn't think twice.</p><p>“He works for the Ministry, doesn’t he? Maybe he can - “</p><p>“Nope, we're not going there. The Wizengamot won't ruin golden boy Abbott’s life over a few unstable women who complain because the kink got a little too rough.”</p><p>“We both know that’s not what this is.”</p><p>“Yeah, <em>we</em> both know, because we understand the lifestyle and how grooming and coercion work.” Frustration laced her voice, turned it harsh. “To them it’s just an excuse to discredit the victims. And he’ll capitalize on that, if he doesn’t kill us before he sees the inside of a holding cell. Or go after the other girls’ families.”</p><p>“I know your concerns are real. And it would be wrong for anyone to take the choice of whether to report away from you. But you’re not going to be able to hide it from him forever.”</p><p>Hermione pulled her legs up onto the couch, wrapping the arm that wasn’t holding the phone around her knees and resting her forehead on them. “I hid it from Robert.”</p><p>“I recall being told that Robert had the emotional range of a teaspoon on more than one occasion.” She could hear the familiar quirk of Sabine’s lips through the phone. Though she'd never say it, Hermione knew she hadn't liked the guy she dated when she lived in France.</p><p>“I mean, I have the emotional range of a thimble, so in that regard we were very well-matched. If only we’d been as compatible when it came to power exchange.”</p><p>Sabine snorted. “You want to have the emotional range of a thimble. That’s not the same thing. Hermione, good relationships change people, and from what you’ve shared with me, what you have with Remus is good. Not all change is bad, even if it’s scary.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is good. With him.” Hermione blinked back tears. “I just - I can’t handle this right now. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out eventually.”</p><p>“You don’t have to figure everything out on your own, you know? It’s okay to ask for help. I’m glad you did this week.”</p><p>“Yeah.” She closed her eyes tightly. “Yeah, me, too.”</p>
<hr/><p>They were evenly matched in a spar, and it was fun as hell.</p><p>Hermione slept through Thursday night without a single nightmare. Shoving the horror back into Pandora’s box and sealing it tight should have been more difficult, but she’d had a lot of practice. </p><p>After her morning meeting at the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures (whose name she did intend to get changed), she swapped to her workout clothes and snuck through the Aurory to the training department, trying to avoid being spotted by Ron. She could get by with the occasional lunch with Remus under the excuse of rekindling their friendship or helping him with his classes, but it was still awkward. And though she and Ron had hung out at Ginny’s occasionally since her return, and as far as she knew he and Remus were still friends, she doubted his strong opinions on her love life had changed much.</p><p>For his part, she suspected Remus would have publicly claimed her in a heartbeat. She got the sense that he wanted to. But even more than her worries over their friends’ reactions, putting a label on what they had felt - too much. It wasn’t meant to be like this. It was meant to be fun, casual, easy. She wasn’t supposed to want to spend every night in his bed, to miss him so much when she left in the morning. She wasn’t supposed to want to let him in.</p><p>Despite what she’d told Sabine, she had no idea how to deal with that, and she wasn't sure she’d ever figure it out. To her relief, Remus didn’t push her on it.</p><p>But he did shoot her a broad smile when she popped into his office, closing his door and capturing him in a kiss. Once he changed, they found an empty training room. She quickly got lost in the rhythm of kicks and punches, the dance of it, and forgot everything else - her worries about Gemma and Zain, her secrets, her fears over getting closer to him, all the weight she carried on her shoulders. </p><p>She was better on her feet - efficient, able to sidestep his strikes and dart in close to land blows against his torso. But his grappling game was on point, and he got her down, using his considerable strength to try and force her into submission. At first she put effort into fighting back just to see the pride and the grin on his face when she executed a skilled hold, but she enjoyed the warmth of him and the strength of his body pressed against hers in the oddest of positions far too much. It was much more fun to be pinned by him.</p><p>He got her in a rear naked choke, his arms wrapped loosely around her neck and his legs encircling her as he brushed his lips against her ear and murmured, “You’re going easy on me.”</p><p>She couldn’t feel anything except him hard against her back, the quick drum of her heart, the rush of adrenaline and lust in her blood. The weight of his legs around her hips forced hers apart, and she tipped her head back on his shoulder.</p><p>“You’re very distracting.” His arms came away from her neck so he could encircle it with his hand, caressing her throat and drawing a gasp. “Christ, Remus.”</p><p>His chuckle reverberated against her back and grazed her ear, his scent enveloping her - vetiver, almond, sweat. Honey lingered on his warm breath. The hand that wasn’t wrapped around her throat tugged her braid. “Is my little girl feeling needy?”</p><p>She nodded, whimpering as he withdrew and pulled her up. Somehow they made it back to his office and he managed to ward the door before she pulled him down into a deep kiss, running her hands through his hair. He met her mouth with the same force, fucking her with his tongue as she arched into him. </p><p>She’d been craving him like this - intense, less restrained. He had the most patience and control of any man she’d ever met, and it wasn’t just down to his skill with Occlumency. Sex with him was 90% cerebral - his favorite hobby was analyzing her and taking her apart piece by piece before he put her back together again. She thoroughly enjoyed how he rendered her helpless in all kinds of delicious ways, but sometimes she just wanted to be pinned down and fucked hard. Sometimes she wanted to make him lose control.</p><p>Ironically, around the full, the potion muted the wolf in him, made him sick and weary. But the rest of the month, that damn predatory gleam in his eye, his possessive instincts, the way he could be both dominant and tender at the same time - that got under her skin and made her soak her panties quicker than anything.</p><p>She planted her hands on his chest and pushed until he walked backwards in the direction of the desk, kicking off her shoes and jumping into his arms when he lifted her, wrapping her legs around his waist. <em>Much better.</em> Now she could kiss him easily, bury her face in his neck and taste the salt on his skin, nibble at him until he groaned and tugged her head back to run his mouth down her throat.</p><p>When he set her on the desk, her legs were still wrapped around his waist, and she tightened them, pressing into him, aching to shed the layers separating them. “Please, Daddy,” she begged.</p><p>One second she was wearing a tank top and athletic trousers, a sports bra and panties - the next second, as if he’d read her mind, she was naked. She squeaked, but it turned into a moan as his mouth traveled from her neck to her breast.</p><p>“I liked that bra,” she protested weakly. Not as much as she liked having his lips where it had been.</p><p>“Don’t worry, angel. I’ll buy you a new outfit.” His amused words hummed against her nipple as he sucked it into his mouth, running his hands down her sides and over her hips. His breath hitched when her hand snuck between them and she palmed him through his trousers, then slid inside and found him hot and hard and velvet against her skin. She stroked his balls and wrapped her hand around the base of his shaft, pleased when he gripped her hips and bit gently at her nipple. “Naughty little tease. Is this what you want, baby girl? Do you want Daddy’s big cock inside of you?”</p><p>She pumped his cock and slipped her other hand beneath his shirt to clutch at his back, her nails digging into his skin. “I need you to bend me over your desk and fuck me.”</p><p>His answering growl sent a white-hot frisson of need to her clit. He’d refused to fuck her from behind before, but when he met her eyes, whatever he saw in them killed his usual protests about hurting her. He pulled her off of the desk and pushed her over it, and she could feel the slick spot she’d left behind against her stomach.</p><p>“Spread your legs,” he ordered, and she moaned when he smacked her ass. “Good thing I know how to cast undetectable silencing charms, because you couldn’t keep quiet if you tried. Needy slut, aren’t you?”</p><p>That was new, but apparently she’d have to add it to the list of magic words, because the impact of it pooled low in her belly, making her clench and ache. “I can’t help it, sir.”</p><p>“Oh, I know.” He tugged her hair and spanked her again, his hand cracking down several times in quick succession until her hips bucked and she exhaled a litany of curses. “Dirty girl, distracting Daddy from work with this dripping pussy. Do you like being my little slut?”</p><p>“Fuck yes,” she breathed, and he chuckled as he pressed his cock against her ass through the soft material of his trousers. </p><p>He rubbed the tender skin with his hands and one slipped beneath to drift along her slit. She gasped as he pushed two fingers inside of her, grinding herself on him as soon as she adjusted to the invasion. “Please, Daddy, I need to come.”</p><p>“I know, baby girl. You’d better wet my hand and my cock until you’re all I can smell in this room, do you hear me? I want to see a mess on this floor when I’m through with you.”</p><p><em>Jesus Christ.</em> He thrust rough and quick, the friction against the cool, polished wood pinching at her nipples as she came up on her toes and pushed back to him with her entire body, her hips slamming against his hand. Her pleas and curses and the sound of her around him surrounded them, and a strangled whimper escaped her throat as he worked a third finger into her, the delicious stretch making her shudder. His name fell from her lips when she came with a sharp cry, gushing over his hand.</p><p>“That’s my good girl,” he murmured as he fucked her through the throes of it, dragging every last bit out of her. When he withdrew his hand she whimpered at the loss, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “Eager kitten. Here you go.”</p><p>He leaned forward to brush his fingers to her lips and she sucked them into her mouth, quivering when his cock slipped through her soaked folds and brushed her clit. She was too busy with his fingers to plead the way she wanted to. She took them deeper into her mouth instead, rubbing herself against him as much as she could, a guttural moan ripped from her throat as the head of his cock breached her entrance.</p><p>“Shh, just relax, little one. You want my cock, don’t you?” he whispered, his other hand brushing escaped curls back from her forehead. “Do you need me to fuck you deep?”</p><p>She nodded and moaned on his fingers, laving them with her tongue. Breathing out as he slid deeper, she willed herself to relax into the stretch around him. </p><p>“There we go.” He buried himself in her, the warmth of his chest covering her back as he trailed his tongue along her shoulder blade, licking the remnants of her sweat from her skin, tracing the markings of her tattoo. “Alright, angel?”</p><p>He removed his hand long enough for her to whisper, “Fucking brilliant,” evoking a quiet laugh. She suckled his fingers again as he began to thrust, slow at first. There was something humiliating and hot about the way he liked keeping her mouth occupied, liked reminding her he knew how needy she was and how much she craved him. The pressure inside of her was so intense she couldn’t have strung words together anyway.</p><p>“Goddamn, you feel divine. Take it all, that’s a good girl.” His rough growls mixed with her muffled cries as his thrusts picked up intensity, but he rocked into her, never pulling out too far. The feeling consumed her and drove out everything else, so good and full and deep that it threatened to overwhelm her. She fisted her hands against the desk, tensing instinctively, and he brushed a soft kiss to her shoulder. “Don’t hold back, little one. You’re safe.”</p><p>As the tears broke through, he took his hand from her mouth and reached around to run his fingers over her clit. With a couple of thrusts and strokes of his hand she came violently, her moans overtaken by his shout as she clenched around him, milking his climax.</p><p>She was still trembling with the aftershocks when he withdrew and sat down hard, pulling her into his lap without bothering to cast cleansing charms or adjust his clothes. She curled up against him and he held her close.</p><p>“Fuck,” she muttered through her tears with an embarrassed laugh. The crying was not part of the agenda.</p><p>“Shh. It’s a good thing, remember?” He cradled her head to his shoulder, unbraiding and stroking her hair while she settled. Once the tears stopped, he tenderly wiped them from her cheeks and pressed his lips to her forehead. As he pulled back to meet her eyes, what she saw in his provoked a flicker of panic. “Hermione, I - “</p><p>She kissed him before he could finish the sentence.</p><p>Maybe the rest of it wouldn’t have been something she was terrified to hear. And maybe her emotional unavailability was as subtle as a brick to the head. He just smiled against her mouth in that knowing way, kissing her sweetly and nipping at her bottom lip before she tucked her head to his shoulder again.</p><p>“This was lovely,” she whispered after an awkward moment’s hesitation. <em>Oh, nice save, Granger. For fuck’s sake</em>.</p><p>“It was. Good thing I don’t have another meeting until later this afternoon, though.” He glanced down at her, grinning when he noticed her blush. “Oh, don’t worry, baby girl, you’re welcome to jump me at work anytime. By the time I’m back from lunch, I’ll be the only one who can catch your scent. And it’ll be a <em>most</em> pleasant distraction while I’m doing paperwork.”</p><p>She blushed deeper. He didn’t bother apologizing for vanishing her clothes, but she’d planned to change back into the outfit she wore to the meeting anyway. And she’d let him vanish her entire wardrobe piece by piece if it meant he fucked her like that.</p><p>He held her in silence for a few minutes longer before he ran his knuckles over her cheek in a gentle caress. “After lunch, get whatever you need and go to my house. Take your potion and get some rest. When you wake up, I expect you to edge yourself until I get home from work. Is that understood?”</p><p>A shiver rippled through her. “Yes, sir. But I wanted to - “</p><p>“You can cook for me tomorrow, angel.” He traced the shell of her ear with his tongue. “We’ll get takeout once I’m done feasting on you. And then I’ll do whatever else to you that I please.”</p><p>She whimpered and squirmed on his lap. “It’s not fair how you can just undo me with a couple of sentences.”</p><p>“Oh, I know, I’m so mean to you. My poor little kitten,” he teased, kissing her pout and tickling her until she was breathless with laughter.</p><p>Once his office and their bodies were magically cleansed, they changed clothes and he took her to a small cafe a few blocks from the Ministry. She searched out his hand atop the table after she reflexively scanned the room, and she swallowed hard when he let her tangle her fingers with his.</p><p>“I’m not ashamed of you.” She glanced down at their hands, rubbing her thumb over his palm. “It’s not that.”</p><p>“I know you’re not, Min.” When she found the courage to look at him, he held her gaze with that same knowing look, and it made her feel raw. She didn’t deserve the warmth in his eyes and his voice. He let his words hang in the air a moment, then they ordered and he asked, “How did your meeting go?”</p><p>“About as expected,” she said, grateful for the distraction. “Prickle’s a reasonable woman, but old-fashioned. She’d let me do whatever I’m willing to write a blank check for as long as it doesn’t rattle the Department too much, but she’s under pressure from the anti-werewolf crowd. She’s pushing back on the proposal to implement the additional programs beyond the Wolfsbane fund, and they don’t want an advisory board. We’ll haggle over the fine print for a month or two.”</p><p>“Kings won’t intervene?”</p><p>“I haven’t asked. He’s had an uphill battle for almost every reform he’s tried to push, hasn’t he?”</p><p>“Yes, but for once he might be able to get Abbott on the same page. Didn’t Neville marry Abbott’s kid? Maybe he could get you some pull.”</p><p>The hand he wasn't holding dug into her thigh under the table. The Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic - appointed as Kingsley’s concession to garner pureblood support - also happened to be Hannah and Brian’s father. She still felt guilty for skipping Neville’s wedding. </p><p>“Yeah, he and Hannah have been together a couple of years now." The tension in her voice could be chalked up to frustration over the meeting. She shrugged one shoulder. “We’ll see. I don’t want to put Neville or Kingsley in the position of having to do favors for me if I don’t have to.”</p><p>Remus regarded her over the rim of his glass as he took a sip of water, then after a moment asked, “Have you been sleeping alright, little one?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m okay.” She gave him a small smile, hoping he was asking because of the nightmare she’d had the previous weekend and not because he could see right through her. “I promise, no late nights researching.”</p><p>The food came and she managed to steer the conversation into safer waters. Soon they were standing on the sidewalk outside, and he pulled her close, kissing the top of her head.</p><p>“Remember my instructions?”</p><p>“Yes, sir,” she murmured, standing on tiptoe to brush her lips against his jaw.</p><p>“Good. My sheets better be wet when I get home, little girl.” The soft, stern growl went straight to her core.</p><p>“Mm. I promise I’ll be good, Daddy.” </p><p>She hugged him tight and watched him walk away, the late autumn sun dappling his black robes. Whenever they parted, the relief from being spared his scrutiny washed over her just as strongly as the desire to be in his arms again. She loved the way he made her feel wholly seen and cared for. And she hated it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. take your heart out of your holster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>That should have never been your road</em><br/>
<em>We should have stayed there on the corner</em><br/>
<em>You know I'm always at your shoulder</em><br/>
<em>Take your heart out of your holster</em><br/>
<em>I’m holding, waiting for something</em><br/>
<em>That'll keep you from the cold</em><br/>
<em>It feels like winter follows you around</em>
</p><p>Dermot Kennedy, “The Corner”</p><p>Friday, November 19, 2004</p><p>Something was off.</p><p>It might have just been the anticipation of her punishment. The past few weeks had gone well for the most part, though Hermione was busy with the reforms and trying to improve upon her Wolfsbane formula. Remus liked watching her work, and he liked dragging her away from it even more. But she’d texted him on Thursday and told him she broke his rules about not staying late at work and about her bedtime on Wednesday night.</p><p>It was the first time she’d intentionally broken a rule, and though he wasn’t disappointed in her, the traces of tension in her features and her quiet during dinner could have been chalked up to disappointment in herself. She wasn’t fearful, the way she’d been before, so that allayed some of his concern.</p><p>When he asked her why, she just said, “One of my kids had a bad home visit.”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” As she shook her head, he touched her hand. “It’s not like you, angel. I know you wouldn’t have stayed if it wasn’t important. I’m not happy about it, but - “</p><p>“Please, sir. I need you to be strict with me.” Her voice was soft, entreating, and he couldn’t read the look in her eyes.</p><p>That was something she found fulfilling - rules, structure, consequences. Consistency. He did, too, but he didn’t like to punish her for something he wasn’t certain she was at fault for. After a moment, though, he nodded. </p><p>“Go upstairs to the play room, strip, and kneel by the couch.” He took care of the dishes before following her, pitching the lights lower and grabbing his round wooden paddle from the chest before he sat.</p><p>“Get over my lap, little one.” Once she’d settled herself, he stroked her hair, resting his other hand on the small of her back. “Why do you need to be punished?”</p><p>“Because I was bad and I broke the rules, sir.”</p><p>“You did break the rules, but you’re not a bad girl.” Her breath hitched and she opened her mouth, but he cut her off. “You were naughty, yes. And I spank naughty little girls who need it, but you’re not bad. Is that understood?”</p><p>“Y - yes, sir.”</p><p>“Good. I’m going to warm you up with my hand for a few minutes. How many strikes with the paddle do you think you deserve, kitten?”</p><p>“Twenty, sir.” </p><p><em>Bloody hell.</em> She said it in the same subdued tone she’d used all evening, still slightly tense over his lap. Either she was too hard on herself or she worried he’d think she was trying to get off light. He had a well-founded suspicion that it was the former, and that gave him a vague idea of what was off about her. She wouldn’t be getting twenty.</p><p>He pushed up the sleeves of his soft knit shirt before he started gradually warming her up. He spanked her in silence for a while, rubbing her gently every now and then. She whimpered, but didn’t grind on his jeans or plead for him to touch her the way she normally would. By five minutes, her ass was a toasty, glowing pink.</p><p>As he ran the smooth, polished wood of the paddle over her skin, he said, “I want you to count these.” At her nod, he brought down the first firm strike. </p><p>“One, sir.”</p><p>She counted clearly as he made the strikes progressively more intense, provoking soft cries. By eight, she was tearful from the pain. At ten, he set the paddle aside. Her ass was red, a couple of bruises beginning to bloom.</p><p>“You did so well, little one." He ran his fingers through her dark curls.</p><p>“Wh - why did you stop?” The tears colored her words.</p><p>He frowned and rubbed gentle circles on her back. “Because I’ve disciplined you for breaking the rules. You don’t need to be beaten harshly.”</p><p>“I do. Please, I need more.” It came out a whisper.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>She hesitated. “Because I was naughty.”</p><p>He gave her hair a gentle tug. “That’s not the reason. Be honest with me. Why do you need to be beaten, baby girl?”</p><p>She sighed, and after a few more moments of hesitation said, “Because - because I feel guilty.”</p><p><em>Now we’re getting somewhere.</em> “And what is it that you feel you deserve to be punished for?”</p><p>“I screwed up. I shouldn’t have let him go on the visit." Her voice was rough with emotion.</p><p>He doubted she’d been at fault for whatever happened to her patient, but as he also doubted that was the crux of it, he didn’t push for details to argue the point. “What else do you feel guilty about?”</p><p>“I don’t understand - “</p><p>“We both know this isn’t just about that, little one.” He traced the lines of her jacaranda tree with his fingers as he spoke. “What else?”</p><p>She gave a soft growl of frustration. “I thought you were a sadist. Don’t you like giving beatings?”</p><p>He snorted. “When it’s appropriate. I didn’t ask your opinion on my skills as a dominant, though, I asked what you feel guilty about. I’ll wait while you think it over.”</p><p>“Having a naked woman over your lap begging you to lay into her isn’t appropriate enough for you?” </p><p>She’d rapidly gone from pleading to petulant, bordering on aggressive. The flash of frustration with her completely out of character behavior was minuscule next to the wave of concern it evoked, but she wasn’t ready for either of those conversations. Yet. </p><p>“Are you hoping I’ll punish you for talking back to me, or do you honestly believe you can provoke me to hit you?”</p><p>“If that’s what it fucking takes - "</p><p>A gasp stole the end of her sentence as he pulled her up by her hair until they were both standing. He’d have preferred to order her, but since he wasn’t certain she’d obey, he led her to the corner by his firm grip instead, letting her go once she faced the wall. She looked away from him, and he moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her small frame and dipping his head to brush his lips against her temple.</p><p>“Stay here and think about what I asked you.” Though the words were stern, he said them gently, giving her a tender squeeze as she stiffened like she wanted to bolt. He set a warming charm on her before he stepped away.</p><p>She didn’t bolt as he put the paddle back and took a seat on the couch with a sigh, scrubbing a hand over his face. A part of him wouldn’t be surprised if she did before the night was over, as closed off as she could be, but he hoped for the best.</p><p>She did go from stiff and armored to fidgeting to crying quietly over about ten minutes, while he turned the situation over in his mind and watched the set of her shoulders. He wondered how much of that was because she was raking herself over the coals for her behavior, and how much because of her answer to his question. A few minutes after she began crying, he came behind her again and pulled her in against his chest, wrapping his arms around her.</p><p>“I’m s - sorry, D - Daddy - “ It came out in a miserable, hiccuping sob.</p><p>“Shh, little one,” he murmured. “I’m not upset with you.” He might have been frustrated if she’d done it willfully, but that wasn’t the kind of submissive she was, and she’d just proven she was awful at acting the part.   </p><p>“Listen to me, Hermione.” She nodded, sniffling. “I’m never going to hit you because I’m upset with you. I have a hard time imagining you could anger me so much, but even if you did, that would be abuse. And I’m not going to beat you more than you need, because while I am a sadist, you’re not a masochist. I don’t need to hurt you to enjoy being with you. Is that clear?”</p><p>“Yes, sir. But - but sometimes I need you to beat me.”</p><p>“I know, angel. But what you think you want isn’t always the same as what you need. When it’s for pleasure, or for discipline or catharsis, that’s different. I know you need it and I like giving it to you. But not for self-flagellation. I'm not going to let you use me as a tool to make yourself feel bad.”</p><p>Full of self-recrimination, she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - “</p><p>“Shh. It’s okay. I know you didn’t.” As her arm came around her waist, he folded it under his, taking her hand in his own. “Are you ready to talk about what I asked you?”</p><p>“Do we have to?” she asked shakily, brushing at her cheeks with her other hand.</p><p>“Yes.” He smoothed her hair back from her face and kissed the top of her head.</p><p>“P - please don’t stop holding me, Daddy.”</p><p>The uncomfortable realization hit him that her fidgeting and tears were in part due to him leaving her alone, even though he’d stayed in the room. He should have held her while she stood there, and he kicked his own ass for the miscalculation. He didn’t believe in using isolation as a weapon.</p><p>“Don’t worry, baby girl. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” Resting his chin on the top of her head, he asked again, “What makes you feel so guilty?”</p><p>She sucked in a breath. “The things I did in the war. And - “ She paused for a moment, tensing again. “Some of the things that happened with my - my other relationship. But I don’t want to talk about that.”</p><p>Those were the answers he'd expected. What she said at lunch last week indicated she also felt guilty for being closed off with him, though he knew she wasn't ready to talk about that, either.</p><p>It wasn’t an exercise in figuring her out; she wore her heart on her sleeve, especially with him. It was an exercise in helping her realize she could talk about things, that nothing bad would happen if she did. Because in spite of her desperation to close herself off, she clearly needed to. And he wanted her to feel safe opening up to him.</p><p>“That’s okay.” He rubbed her knuckles with his thumb until she relaxed. “I’m not going to make you tell me about that. But nothing you did justifies what was done to you, Min. And I want you to talk about your guilt over it with your therapist next week. Will you do that for me?”</p><p>The way her breath stuttered told him the tears had returned, but she nodded.</p><p>“Good girl.” He turned the other issue over in his mind. They’d rehashed her survivor’s guilt a dozen times in the year and a half before she left for France. He hoped the fact that she stopped drinking it away was a good sign - and he was grateful for that - but it worried him to know she still tried to punish herself in other ways. “Do you still blame yourself for what happened to Harry, angel?”</p><p>“I try not to,” she whispered, wiping at her cheeks again.</p><p>“Good. I was there for a decent chunk of the rest of it, and I know you didn’t do anything wrong. Why are you hurting yourself?”</p><p>Okay, there was that business with Dolores Umbridge, but the bitch had it coming, and Hermione had never once expressed remorse over it. Her intelligence and ruthlessness made her bloody terrifying as a teenager, but the other risky shit she got the boys through didn’t hurt anyone, as far as he knew. She’d injured people, killed a student on the other side in the Battle - she carried remorse for that, but she’d admitted to him before that it was her life or theirs.</p><p>She was quiet for a couple of minutes, growing stiffer in his arms again. Finally, she said, “My - my parents - “ And then she crumpled and started bawling.</p><p>He quickly canceled the warming charm and slid his arm under her knees to pick her up, murmuring soft reassurance to her as he carried her to the couch and settled her on his lap, wrapping her up tightly. She buried her face in his shoulder and fisted her hands in his shirt, the sound of her sobs wrenching his heart as he tried to puzzle out the reason for them.</p><p>Her parents had escaped being targeted by Death Eaters, but other than her notes and their first date she hadn’t spoken much of them since well before she left. The simple fact of magic’s existence drove a wedge into plenty of Muggle-born families, and the war certainly didn't help, but he couldn’t understand why she’d torture herself over that.</p><p>He worried he’d have to fight her on taking a calming draught, but to his relief, she quieted before she could cry herself sick. He cleaned the tears and mucus from her face with a wandless charm, then covered her with the fleece throw from the back of the couch, still holding her close.</p><p>He was about to speak when she asked, “Do you - um, do you remember when you said nothing I could tell you would - would make you feel differently?”</p><p>After that strange conversation over her issue with potions. He hadn’t known it stuck out to her so much. “I meant it, Min.” He ran a soothing hand through her curls, pressing his lips to her forehead as he strengthened his mild Occlumency shields just in case. He could tell that the wrong reaction to whatever she needed to say would be devastating.</p><p>“I h - hope you’re right.” She was silent a moment, then she took a shaking breath, and when she spoke again she was a little less tentative. “Do you remember when we ran into each other at the Burrow, after the Department of Mysteries?”</p><p>“Yes.” He’d been in a fog over Sirius’s death, but he saw she was a wreck despite her adamant insistence on trying to hide it from everyone, and their ability to get so wrapped up in their own shit that they let her. She spent the three weeks before that in the hospital recovering from her injuries. </p><p>It was far from redress for what was done to her, but killing Dolohov in the Battle had been one of the few times he took pleasure in the act. More than once, he wished he’d gotten to Bellatrix before Molly did.</p><p>“I lied to you. Sort of. I wasn’t doing well with what happened, but that - that’s not really why I was upset.” He glanced down to where her head was tucked against his shoulder to see she was chewing her bottom lip, one of her hands still clutching his shirt. She closed her eyes tight, took a breath, and whispered, “When I got out of the hospital, I went home and Obliviated my parents.”</p><p><em>Dammit.</em> He was grateful he’d shielded, because she’d misinterpret the reason for his horror. He hugged her close. “By yourself?”</p><p>“Yeah. Um, I started studying how the year before, just in case. I didn’t - I didn’t mess it up, they’re okay. But I - “ Her lip trembled and she sucked in another harsh breath. “I erased me. And gave them new identities. They live in Australia now. I knew it couldn’t be undone, and I don’t regret it, but I didn’t - “ Her voice broke as tears slipped down her cheeks again. “I didn’t know how hard it would be. To - to survive.”</p><p>“Oh, Min. I’m so sorry.” His heart cracked. She would have researched it even more meticulously than she did everything else, but erasing that much of someone’s memory, wiping out something so integral to their life - it was irreversible.</p><p>It was a shock, but it also wasn’t. By that time he had been one of the only adults she shared anything real with, and he should have anticipated she might do something rash. Maybe he would have if they weren’t all so caught up in the bigger picture. But that she’d planned and carried out something so difficult and painful all alone, that at the age of 16 she’d been certain she wouldn’t live to see the consequences - “How did you get around the age restrictions?”</p><p>She sniffled. “I was 17. My birthday’s in September, but - but technically it’s in May now, I think. Professor McGonagall gave me a Time Turner for Third Year, for my classes, but I had to keep it secret. It’s how we rescued Sirius and Buckbeak.”</p><p>“I - “ He swallowed his disbelief. <em>Seriously, Minerva?</em> “I understand why you did it, little one. But why didn’t you come to us?”</p><p>“I couldn’t trust the Order to keep them safe. Maybe you guys could have tried for a year, maybe they wouldn’t have ended up like the Creeveys or the Clearwaters. But after the Ministry takeover I knew it had been the right thing to do.“ She shrugged uncomfortably and shook her head. “I wasn’t willing to gamble on it.”</p><p>Her fears were well-founded, but the devastation she’d put herself through.... “Did you tell anyone?”</p><p>“Um, Harry got it out of me a few months after, but Ron and Ginny - you know how they are about family. They wouldn’t understand, not really. My therapist knows, though. And I - I tried to visit them, to check on them. But it hurts too much. I was scared of getting caught, but when the war was over I asked Kingsley if he’d help make sure they were looked after. He’s been nice about it.”</p><p>Thank fuck Kingsley had a decent head on his shoulders when it came to the places where ethics and the law diverged. And he’d always had a soft spot for Hermione. </p><p>“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, angel. I’m glad they’re okay.” </p><p>“Thank you for - for listening and not being mad at me.”</p><p>Remus stroked her cheek. “I hate that you felt you had to do it alone, but your fears weren’t overblown. You saved their lives, Min, and it cost you more than anyone should have to pay. Why do you feel you deserve to be punished for that?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” A fresh wave of tears overtook her, not as violently as earlier, but enough that she had trouble speaking through them. He cuddled her close as the words spilled out, halting and broken. “You’re right, I know you are, but - but I can’t stop thinking that maybe there was something else I could have done. Maybe I should have told them, should have given them a choice. Maybe it was the only thing I could have done, but that doesn’t make it right.” </p><p>She shook her head with a harsh sigh. “I try not to think about it. But every now and then work brings it up, or something reminds me of them, and - and it just hurts so much, and I don’t know how to make it stop. Sometimes being in pain gives me something else to focus on. I’m sorry for - for using you. I shouldn’t have - “</p><p>“Shh, little one. It’s alright.” He tenderly brushed the tears from her cheeks, handing her a handkerchief so she could blow her nose. She sat up a bit to do so, folding it and clutching the fabric tightly in her hands as she looked down. He cupped her cheek and nudged her to face him. “Look at me, Hermione.”</p><p>After a moment, her gaze lifted to his, the warm chocolate of her eyes infused with green and gold. They were red-rimmed, and he could read the discomfort in her face, the shame.</p><p>“It’s okay to grieve. You’ve been through so much, lost so much, and I’m sorry we didn’t look out for you better back then.”</p><p>“You - “</p><p>He put a finger to her lips. “We should have. We failed you.” <em>I failed you.</em> They should never have turned children into soldiers at all, regardless of the seeming necessity, but it couldn’t be changed now. “You did the right thing, angel, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. And it's okay to be sad. If you're hurting, you can talk to me about it. Punishing yourself will make it worse in the long run, and if there’s nothing else I can do, at least I can be with you. You don’t have to face it alone anymore. Alright?”</p><p>She searched his eyes and then looked down, nodding. “Thank you, sir.”</p><p>“You don’t need to thank me for taking care of you. I’m happy to do it.” He took her face in his hands and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. “Let’s get you cleaned up and get some rest.”</p><p>She was still subdued as he carried her to the bath that adjoined his bedroom and stepped into the shower, bathing her and then himself. She usually enjoyed this, the ritual of it, and he loved taking care of her even when it wasn’t sexual. He held her and let his hands linger in her hair, massaging her scalp and hoping the familiar touch would soothe her. He stayed this time as she put cream on her face and worked oil into her curls, taking her hand and leading her into the bedroom once she was done brushing her teeth.</p><p>He smiled when she stood hesitantly next to the dresser, taking one of his t-shirts out and slipping it over her head because he could tell she was too shy to ask. She always brought clothes, but spent most of her time either naked or stealing his unless they went out. </p><p>When he turned down the blankets, she scooted to her side of the bed, wrapping herself around a pillow. Slipping in behind her, he encircled her with his arm and tugged her in close. “Goodnight, baby girl.”</p><p>“Night."</p><p>It took a long time for her breathing to slow and her body to relax into sleep. He watched her and worried for a while before he followed her. <em>Hopefully she’ll feel better in the morning.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. eye to eye, thigh to thigh, i let go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, which one of you ordered a white Valentine's Day? I've never seen it snow this much in Texas. I hope everyone's having a lovely one (and staying warm!).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Hands down, I'm too proud for love</em>
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  <em>But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But how we move from A to B</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It can't be up to me, ‘cause you don't know</em>
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  <em>Eye to eye, thigh to thigh, I let go</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And for you I keep my legs apart</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And forget about my tainted heart</em>
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  <em>And I will never, ever be the first to say it</em>
</p><p>Lykke Li, “Little Bit”</p><p>Saturday, November 20, 2004</p><p>Hermione awoke in the comfort of Remus’s bed. She’d gotten more used to sleeping at his place, and she barely froze before she realized she was safe. She didn’t feel him next to her, which wasn’t unusual - he almost always woke before she did.</p><p><em>Oh, God.</em> She opened her eyes and inhaled sharply as the train wreck of last night came rushing to the surface, bringing with it one hell of a shame hangover. <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck.</em></p><p>She burrowed deeper, wishing she could hide under his plush dark red duvet. The last couple of weeks had left her feeling like a pinball darting about with no barriers, but she managed pretty well up until Zain returned to the hospital on Wednesday, silent and bruised. And then she'd gone and detonated like a nuclear bomb - getting her mess all over Remus in the process. <em>Fuck. </em></p><p>Remus Lupin was a genuinely good person. Remus was the kind of person who actually gave a shit about his students' lives and only injured or killed people in the war when he didn't have any other choice and returned strangers' money if they dropped it, even when no one was looking. He was loyal and kind and unselfish, and he had the patience of a goddamn saint. Knowing the kind of person he was made the things life and wizarding society had put him through all the more unfair.</p><p>He was also - despite his overdeveloped sense of honor - a sadist, and she was certain he'd beaten previous partners much more heavily, if safely and consensually. She knew he enjoyed making her suffer - he'd edged her to the point of tears more than once. But he only made her suffer when he knew she got off on whatever he was doing, or got off on obeying him when whatever he was doing frustrated her. </p><p>And he was right - she didn't get off on significant pain. But the fact that he considered bruising her ass with a paddle to be too harsh for that kind of infraction had startled her, because even before the abuse escalated, she'd gotten a lot worse for doing a lot less. She wasn't sure if her calibration was skewed or if he was being overly careful, or both. It probably didn't matter, since he hadn't been wrong about her motivations.</p><p>Then she'd lashed out at him, and when he found out she'd been lying by omission (and sometimes just straight up lying) to everyone for years, he took it in stride. He let her sob her heart out without seeming at all put off by her tears or the amount of snot she got on his clothing, and he was an absolute fucking gentleman. In fact, if she recalled correctly, <em>he</em> apologized to <em>her</em>. It was the kind of behavior that, after everything she'd been through, made her feel safe with him. </p><p>It also made her feel worse. Because while she hoped she wasn't a terrible person, she knew she wasn't a good person, and performing illegal, irreversible, nonconsensual mind magic was not the worst thing she'd ever done. She didn't deserve him.</p><p>She lay there arguing with herself over whether to go, the same argument she'd had last night when he put her in the corner. She didn’t know how she could face him, but it also hurt too much to think about leaving, so as before, she stayed still. After a quarter of an hour, she heard his footsteps on the stairs, and she closed her eyes tight.</p><p>The smell of coffee filled the room and she heard the clink of the mug on the nightstand, then the bed dipped with his weight. He rested his hand on top of the blanket where it covered her arm. “Min?”</p><p>She clenched and unclenched her hands. He slipped into bed behind her, pulling her back against his bare chest and wrapping her in his strong embrace. “It’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s not.” Her voice was strained, but with anger at herself instead of sadness this time.</p><p>“It is.” He dropped a kiss in her hair. “It’s not a crime to be emotional, little one. I’m glad you opened up to me and let me hold you. Stop beating yourself up."</p><p>“I shouldn’t have - “</p><p>“We’re not doing this,” he said, gentle but firm. “I’m not upset with you for lashing out. I understand why you did. And there aren’t any shoulds, except that I want you to tell me when you're hurting so you don't have to go through it alone. I can’t get rid of your shame, but you’re not going to use it to push me away, do you understand me?”</p><p>She took a deep breath and blew it out, nodding.</p><p>“Good. Baby girl, it’s okay to let yourself off the hook sometimes. I don’t think any differently of you, and I like it when you let me take care of you."</p><p>She relaxed a fraction as she tried to let his words sink in. And tried not to think about how much she didn’t deserve them. “Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, silly girl.” He searched out her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Other than your worries about last night, how are you feeling?” </p><p>She hesitated a moment before she opened her mouth, her voice halting. “I - I’m still sad about my patient, but it’s better.”</p><p>“You know you can talk to me about that, right?”</p><p>She gave another silent nod, but she was emotionally wrung out from that and thinking about her parents and Gemma and how guilty she felt over hiding things from him, so she didn’t.</p><p>After holding her for a couple more minutes, his lips touched her ear and he said, "Get on your hands and knees."</p><p>She bit her lip but obeyed, letting the blankets fall away. He got up and stood next to her, pressing her shoulders down until she rested her cheek against the pillow.</p><p>"This way, little one." As she turned her head so she was looking towards him, he brushed her hair back from her face, and though she didn't crane her neck to look up, she could hear the smile in his voice. "There's my obedient girl."</p><p>He took something from the nightstand and ran his palm over her back and hip as he moved down the bed. He lifted the t-shirt and tugged her panties down her thighs, nudging her legs apart until she was exposed to him and rubbing a salve into her skin to ease the bruises and tenderness. Normally she loved the reminder after he spanked her, but she was grateful for the relief this time. She shivered as the gentle pressure of his hands lingered.</p><p>"Lovely," he whispered, his fingertips traveling down the outside and up the inside of her right thigh. "Do you know something, angel?"</p><p>"Sir?"</p><p>"You haven't called me Daddy since you started answering my question last night." He continued stroking her thighs, the intimacy of his touch and the position coaxing warmth to pool in her belly. "I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that we haven't had sex, because you like calling me that all the time. Do you know why?"</p><p>She frowned and bit her lip harder. She knew, but she wasn't sure how to put it into words, or if she wanted to put it into words.</p><p>"It's alright. I have an idea of why." He pulled her panties up and patted her ass before he came to the head of the bed again, giving her hair a light tug until she rose onto her knees and faced him. Cupping her cheek, he studied her, and after a moment she relented and met his eyes with a sigh. She found only warmth, and that discomfiting knowing look. "I think it's because you take comfort in it, and you're ashamed that you need it. And perhaps still punishing yourself."</p><p>Her breath stuttered and tears pricked at her eyes, but she blinked them back, looking down.</p><p>"Oh, angel." He hugged her and kissed her temple. "You don't have to be ashamed. I need it, too. I'm pretty sure I have a type, and it's foulmouthed little girls who like lots of cuddles and a bit of depravity. Or maybe just one in particular."</p><p>She wrapped her arms around him and breathed a choked laugh. "I - " <em>Oh, God.</em> Her jaw snapped shut. <em>What the actual fuck, Granger? We're not going there. Get your shit together.</em> "I'm really lucky." </p><p>"<em>You're</em> lucky?" His warm breath grazed her ear, amusement lacing his voice. "Do you have any clue how difficult it is to find a woman with just the right mix of those traits? I'm the lucky one." He punctuated the sentence by tickling her, and she squealed and squirmed out of his embrace. "There's that smile."</p><p>"You're silly, Daddy." She blushed when she said it, but it felt good in her mouth. He wasn't wrong.</p><p>"I am." He pulled her back into his arms, kissing the tip of her nose. "I'm also yours, no matter what, okay?"</p><p>She swallowed hard, but nodded after a moment, whispering a mouth-cleansing charm and pressing her lips to his. </p><p>He nipped at her bottom lip, tangling his fingers with hers. "Come on, little one. Let's go remake your coffee."</p><p>He set her on the counter while he made a late breakfast and held her on his lap as they ate, kissing and licking her neck until she whimpered. Anticipation filled her when he led her to the play room after and took a seat on the couch.</p><p>"Take my shirt off and get on your knees."</p><p>She hurried to comply and he parted his legs so she could settle between them, giving her a cushioning charm. Nuzzling his thigh through the soft material of his sleeping trousers, she reveled in the warmth and closeness of his body.</p><p>"Good girl," he murmured, stroking her cheek. "Have you been bound with rope before, Min?"</p><p>"Some, but not a lot. Mostly I've done cuffs and straps, or - or spells." She kissed his palm.</p><p>"Did you like the cuffs, little one?" He must have remembered her note about the spells. He sunk a hand into her hair, dragging her further into his lap, and she shivered as her face brushed his hardening shaft.</p><p>"Sometimes. I really like them with you. I like it when you hold me down, too, sir," she said shyly, rubbing her cheek against his cock. He didn't bind her often, mostly when she was on the cross, or sometimes in bed.</p><p>"I'm glad. We'll use those more often. Would you like to do some rope this weekend?"</p><p>"Yes, please." She thought it was pretty and she'd wanted to try more of it before, but both men she'd dated preferred the ease of cuffs. Remus could be adorably nerdy about the intricacies of sex and play, though, so she wasn't surprised to learn he liked it. Her curiosity only aided the wetness growing between her legs from the way he was teasing her with his cock.</p><p>"Good. Would you like to try suspension?" </p><p>Hermione's eyes flew open and she glanced up at him. "Doesn't that hurt?" She'd seen a few suspension scenes at the club, and though she sometimes wondered what it'd be like, it also scared her.</p><p>"It can, and sometimes that can be fun, too. But it doesn't have to, and I don't want it to be painful for you. You know what to look out for when it comes to nerve issues, and if it's uncomfortable or you don't like it, we'll stop." She must still have looked skeptical, because his lips quirked and he added, "It's more like floating than riding a broomstick."</p><p>"If you say so, sir." Since he hadn't done anything but encourage her rubbing her face in his lap, she took a chance and ran her mouth along his shaft through the fabric, parting her lips enough to let him feel her breath. She smiled when she felt him twitch against her lips.</p><p>"There's my brave girl. Would you suck my cock if I told you to?"</p><p>"Is the sky blue, Daddy?" Flushed with arousal, she tilted her head to shoot him an incredulous look, wondering if she ought to put up a diagnosis spell. He usually just told her to. Or made her beg to. Or left his cock uncovered in the general vicinity of her face - though sometimes he did that just so he could hold her off of him by her hair and have fun watching her struggle, the sadist.</p><p>Laughter rumbled through him. "I appreciate your enthusiasm. Why would you suck my cock if I told you to?" When a slight frown tugged at her mouth, he cupped her cheek. "Don't worry, baby girl, this isn't a test. There isn't a wrong answer."</p><p>"Because...I love sucking your cock?"</p><p>"And my fingers, I've noticed." He grinned at her blush. "Why else?"</p><p>"Because you told me to?" She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, trying to figure out where the guessing game was going. </p><p>His thumb found her mouth and traced it until she released it. "And you like obeying me, don't you? Do you like pleasing me?"</p><p>"Yes, Daddy."</p><p>He pressed two fingers to her lips, and she eagerly sucked them into her mouth, her blush deepening as she squeezed her thighs together. "There's a good girl. Show me how much you need it," he whispered, still running his other hand through her curls. "You do please me, my good, sweet, obedient girl. You make me so happy."</p><p><em>Oh</em>. She swallowed against a wave of emotion. </p><p>It was a lesson, one that had nothing to do with sex. A way of telling her that she wasn't bad, that she deserved him, that it was good to need him. That she was his. She felt raw and exposed, because like all of his lessons, it was effective.</p><p>He smiled at her and took his hand from her mouth, untying the drawstring on his trousers and freeing his cock. "Go on, little kitten."</p><p>"Thank you, Daddy," she whispered, grateful for the distraction from the way his words wound around her heart. She nuzzled him, dragging her tongue up his shaft and fluttering it against the frenulum as she sucked the head into her mouth.</p><p>"Up on your knees. Ass in the air, legs apart." A moan broke his words, and she braced herself on his thigh as she complied. It was a bit of an awkward position, but she could still take him deeper into her mouth, and she did with a moan of her own. "Touch yourself, kitten. You can beg me for permission to stop if you get too close." </p><p>She might have been permanently blushing now, but she slipped her hand into her panties and ran her fingers along her slit, whimpering as she circled her clit. She could feel him watching her, even if he couldn't see exactly what she was doing. He went from hard to marble against her tongue as she sucked him and laved him until she tasted the salt of his precum. When she lashed her tongue against him, he growled and bucked lightly against her face, holding himself back.</p><p>"I love watching you grind on your hand, or on mine. You get so damn wet, baby girl. It's hot as fuck." He fisted his hand in her hair, pulling her down on his cock as she hollowed her cheeks. When he started to hit the back of her mouth with each stroke, she gave a soft cry and fought his hold, and he let her up immediately.</p><p>"Please, Daddy, I can't help it, I'm so close." She rubbed her cheek against him and dipped her head to lap at his balls.</p><p>"Is that right, little kitten? Is your clit throbbing?"</p><p>"Yes," she breathed, trying to still herself from rocking against her hand. "Oh, God. Daddy, I need it, I need to come. I can't - "</p><p>"Shh, angel. Ride that edge for me, I know you can," he murmured, carding his hand through her hair as she trembled. "There you go. You're so pretty when you struggle. You can stop, but don't you dare close your legs."</p><p>She gasped and shuddered, hovering on the ledge and giving a frustrated whine as she tore her hand away. "Fucking hell." Taking his balls into her mouth did nothing to lessen the well of need.</p><p>"That's my girl. Don't worry, angel. No one else needs to know how pretty you look when you're trying not to come with my cock in your sweet mouth. I won’t tell anyone what a good girl you are for Daddy. You’re all mine, aren’t you?"</p><p>"Yes, sir," she whispered, wrapping her hand around him and running her mouth along his shaft, kissing and licking him. She pumped him gently, but he held her fast when she started to suck him into her mouth again.</p><p>"Stand up and give me your hand." He adjusted his trousers, curling a hand around her hip and sucking her fingers clean with a groan. "You taste so good, baby girl. Go sit, I'll be there in a minute."</p><p>He pointed her to the long wooden frame that lined the back of the room, a blanket spread beneath it. After putting on some quiet music and lowering the lights a bit, he set a bag nearby and dropped down behind her, stretching his legs out on either side of her.</p><p>"Do you trust me, Min?" He pulled her close, pressing his lips to her temple when her head fell back against his shoulder.</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>He spoke a warming charm over her to supplement the ones he kept around the house in the colder months. Slipping a blindfold over her head, he tied it and took her wrists in his hand, placing them together against her chest. "Stay just like this."</p><p>A part of her would have liked to watch, but she let go of her curiosity and focused instead on how good it was to be close to him. He let the rope caress her skin, running a length over her mouth and her throat before he tied her wrists and began to wind it around her upper body. She liked the constriction of bondage, the feeling of helplessness and containment, and the constant brush of his hands and the rope over her skin as he tied her fanned the flames of her arousal.</p><p>"How does this feel?" His breath tickled her ear, drawing a shiver. </p><p>"Really good."</p><p>"Good." He kissed her shoulder, stroking her hips and nudging her legs to part. She did, her knees resting atop his, a quiet moan escaping her when he ran his fingers along the damp gusset of her panties. "We're going to play a game today, kitten."</p><p>"Sir?" She gasped as he tapped her clit through the fabric.</p><p>He slipped his hand beneath the silk, his fingertips tracing her slit. "I don't like seeing you so stressed. You need something else to focus on, so you're going to stay bound and think about how it feels to have my hands on you. And you're going to keep your legs spread and not come until I tell you to."</p><p>"Daddy...." It came out a whimper, her hips rocking to his hand as his words stoked her frustration and her desire. "That's mean."</p><p>His rich chuckle reverberated through her. "You like it when I'm mean, don't you? Tell the truth."</p><p>"Y - yes, sir." He slid a finger inside of her and she rocked up to him more insistently. "But I want you to fuck me. Please, Daddy."</p><p>"Such a needy little girl, begging already." He thrust slowly, refusing to give her more, his tone as much a threat as a promise when he said, "Don't worry, angel. Later on, I'm going to fuck you until you can't stop coming all over my cock." She shuddered and he withdrew his finger, letting her suck it clean. "There you go. All you have to do is feel. You're going to be a good girl for me, aren't you?"</p><p>She nodded. He stood and she heard a few metallic clicks and the swish of rope, and then he was behind her again, wrapping an arm around her waist to support her as he hoisted her up by the harness. Once she was on her feet, he kissed along the side of her neck, and she gave a little cry as he bit down and soothed the bite with his tongue.</p><p>He moved and she realized he was in front of her when she felt him begin to wind another harness over her hips and thighs. He took his time, caressing her bare skin with each pass, his fingers occasionally rubbing against her panties and eliciting more whimpers.</p><p>"You do love bondage, don't you?" He tied off the harness, tugging it before he draped her leg over his shoulder. "You're soaking wet, kitten."</p><p>He slid the drenched silk aside and she trembled as she felt his mouth on her, his beard prickling her oversensitive skin. He carefully avoided her clit, but he lapped at her and groaned, fucking her with his tongue for a few moments.</p><p>"Daddy, please - " She gasped a cry of frustration when he pulled away and covered her, letting go of her leg. "Fucking hell."</p><p>"You're so much fun to play with, little one. I love watching you ruin your panties, but I think we'd better add a rule to our game." He cupped her through the fabric, and the next second there was nothing separating her from his hand as she pressed into him. "You're going to stay completely exposed and spread for me, and you're not going to come."</p><p>A blush colored her cheeks as he wound slender strands of rope around her thighs, just above her knees. He stood, his hand encircling her neck as he tipped her head up and sealed his mouth to hers. Little pleading sounds escaped her into the kiss and she could taste herself on him, her tongue curling around his. He sucked softly at her bottom lip, stroking her throat with his thumb.</p><p>"I want you to lean back so I can put you up now. If it hurts or you need to stop, just tell me."</p><p>She nodded, and then she felt the pull on the hip harness and she squeaked as her feet left the ground, tensing. He suspended her lying face-up and took the ropes he'd tied around her thighs to attach them as well, so her knees were bent and her legs were spread apart.</p><p>He hugged her in against him, rubbing her bound arm. "How do you feel?" </p><p>"It - it's really intense. It doesn't hurt a lot, it just - " It was overwhelming - the pressure of the rope, the fear, the exposure, the helplessness. The vulnerability. She buried her face in his chest, taking comfort in his closeness.</p><p>"It's okay, just relax, baby girl. I've got you, I won't let you fall. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." The soothing murmur of his voice washed over her while he cuddled her and stroked her hair, and as she softened into the rope, tears spilled over. "Oh, angel," he whispered, dropping a lingering kiss to her forehead. "Is it too much?"</p><p>She bit her lip for a moment. "Yeah. But I - I don't want to stop."</p><p>His hand fell from her hair and traveled down her side. "I'm going to let go of you, but I'm right here. You're safe."</p><p>She nodded and tensed again, fisting her hands tighter where her wrists were bound when he stepped away. It took her a moment to will herself to relax again. He brushed away the tears that slipped from her blindfold, and she let her head fall back.</p><p>"Oh, God - " She gave a little cry of surprise and her stomach dropped as he sent her spinning, the air rushing over her bare skin. A dizzy, exhilarated giggle escaped her as the movement slowed. </p><p>He chuckled, running his hand over her torso. "Did you like that, little one?"</p><p>"Yes, sir." She whimpered when his hand dipped between the ropes that held her arms to stroke her breast. He rolled her hard nipple between his fingers. "Fuck."</p><p>"And do you like being helpless? Knowing I can do whatever I please to you?" His fingertips grazed her other breast before they traveled down her body, his nails dragging along her inner thighs.</p><p>"Fuck, yes. Daddy, please - " Her stomach contracted as her hips canted instinctively, and it took her a moment to settle back into the rope. </p><p>"Please what, kitten?" He ran his palms along the outside of her thighs and cupped her ass, rubbing gently. </p><p>She wished she could clench her thighs together to ease the ache. "Please - please touch me." She was adrift in sensation, overtaken by it, but it wasn't enough.</p><p>"I am touching you." She could hear the smile in his voice as his hand curled around her hip.</p><p>"I - I want you to touch my pussy, Daddy," she begged, shivering as he ghosted his fingertips over her slit. "I want your fingers inside of me."</p><p>She knew he was smirking. <em>Bastard.</em> "Do you need me to edge you some more? Are you aching that badly, little one?"</p><p>"Yes. Please, I need it." She was whining, but she didn't care how she sounded anymore.</p><p>"Messy girl. Look at this dripping pussy." He dipped a finger into her folds and teased at her entrance.</p><p>She gasped when he gave her that finger. Bound and at the mercy of gravity, she couldn't grind on his hand the way she wanted to - which was probably a good thing, since she did want to obey him. Mostly. She didn't know why she found it so hot when he tormented her like this, the delicious tension of craving him inside of her, even knowing it wouldn't lead to relief.</p><p>He fucked her while she pleaded for more, giving her a second, maddeningly slow. "There you go, that's what you needed, isn't it, little kitten? You needed me to fill you up?"</p><p>Her breath came in pants and her toes curled as she felt herself approach the edge after a few minutes. "Please, Daddy, I need to come - "</p><p>"I know. I can feel how much you're aching, but I want you to stay right there for me, don't you come. You feel so good wrapped around my fingers."</p><p>When he withdrew she let out a harsh breath she didn't know she was holding, a ragged moan working its way from her throat.</p><p>"That's my good girl." He held her close again, petting her until she calmed, and she nuzzled into his shoulder. "I'm going to let you go so I can bring you down. I'm still right here."</p><p>Instead of letting her stand, he lowered her whole body to the floor, kneeling next to her and unbinding her legs and hips, his hands roaming over her. "How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Um - I don't know. Floaty and - and - " She sighed.</p><p>"Shh, it's okay." He slipped the blindfold from her eyes and when she opened them he wore a knowing smile. "You're so lovely when you're rope-drunk, angel."</p><p>He gathered her close, pulling her to sit up, and she snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder as he worked her free of the knots and bindings around her arms. He released her wrists so she could stretch and rub them, then took them in his hand and bound them again, looser this time.</p><p>"How's that?"</p><p>"S'okay," she murmured. "Hold me, please, Daddy?"</p><p>"Of course, baby girl." He picked her up and carried her to the bed that occupied the center of the play room, covering her with the fuzzy throw and letting her curl up in his arms.</p><p>She laid her head on his chest, her bound hands tucked against him as he surrounded her in his embrace, closing her eyes and listening to the thrum of his heartbeat, the cadence of his breathing. She was going to say something, but she drifted into sleep before she could find the words.</p><p>When she awoke some time later, he was still holding her, and she lifted her head to see him watching her. He smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Hey there, pretty girl."</p><p>"Hi." She scooted up and leaned in so she could kiss him.</p><p>He returned the kiss, then grazed her knuckles with his lips. He held her a while longer, his fingertips drifting down her torso, stroking her breasts. Eventually, he took a break from teasing her to feed her by hand, and then he bound her to the bedposts and gave her a massage.</p><p>When he untied her and settled her back against his chest so he could read to her, she tried to sit still and focus on the book and the sound of his voice and how good it felt to be close to him. But his constant touch had kept her aflame all afternoon and she craved more. As he caressed her spread thighs with the hand that wasn't holding the book, she squirmed in his arms, rubbing up against him and wishing she could touch him. </p><p>"Oh, you're so good at this game. I can see you dripping on the sheets, needy girl. You can't think about anything else, can you?" He nipped at her ear, setting the book aside.</p><p><em>Meditation through sex and bondage.</em> It seemed strange, but she loved it, loved how he made her the center of his attention and stole her worries about everything else. "No, Daddy. Please, I need you to fuck me."</p><p>"Mm, it's not quite time for that yet. Does that pretty little pussy need to be tormented some more?" </p><p>When he grazed her shoulder with his teeth, she cursed. "Please, I'll do anything - "</p><p>"Shh." He took her hands and unbound her wrists, setting the rope aside, too. "Lay down and put your knees up."</p><p>She complied with a faint blush. She'd begun to get acclimated to being exposed, to the constant reminder that she was at his mercy.</p><p>He settled between her legs and kissed her thigh, his gaze heated when it met hers. "Fuck yourself for me, baby girl."</p><p>She closed her eyes tightly, but hesitated only a moment before sliding one finger inside of herself, then two. It wasn't as good as having his fingers in her, but she still shuddered and moaned.</p><p>"Slow and gentle," he whispered, running his mouth along her inner thigh. "You're so swollen and wet. Do you hear that?"</p><p>She was too far gone to be embarrassed by the sound of her juices around her fingers. "Daddy, I need it. Please let me come."</p><p>He took her wrist and she exhaled a choked cry as he pulled her hand away, reflexively closing her legs. He pushed them apart and gave her pussy a sharp smack, eliciting another, harsher cry.</p><p>"I'm sorry - " It came out almost a sob as she writhed, the pain mellowing into warmth.</p><p>"Shh, angel." He pressed his lips to the inside of her wrist. "I know, I've been mean to you. But you're such a good girl for me."</p><p>He laid her legs against his shoulders and shifted up her body, brushing her hair back from her face. She clutched at him, winding her arms around his neck. She liked how he'd kept her bound, but she loved being able to touch him. She realized that somewhere in her haze he'd worked his trousers off when she felt his erection against her slick folds, and she jerked, so sensitive that she almost came from the slight friction. Pleas fell from her lips as she struggled to hold herself back.</p><p>"It's okay, little one. I'm going to give you what you need. Keep your eyes on me." She gasped as he entered her, his cock velvet and steel against her walls, and he groaned. "Goddamn, baby, you're clenching so tight. Come on, let me inside. Come for Daddy."</p><p>Ecstasy ripped through her as he pushed deeper, and she moaned helplessly, losing all sense of herself. It went on forever, and when she thought she might be recovering, his thumb rubbed her engorged clit and she shattered again with a cry that was nearly a scream.</p><p>"That's it, soak my cock, baby girl." He rocked into her, holding her gaze, and she realized her tears had spilled over again. "Shh, it's okay," he murmured. "Do you want more?"</p><p>Not trusting her voice, she nodded, and he drew back and thrust so deep it was overwhelming. She couldn't do anything other than hold on, so she clung to him, quivering while he fucked her gently.</p><p>"You're so beautiful, Min." He studied her with reverence, his smile reaching his eyes. "I love seeing you open up like this and take me deep inside."</p><p>As she found her voice and begged him for more, he gave her firmer thrusts, bottoming out in her each time. "There you go, baby girl. Fuck, I can feel how close you are." He stroked her clit again and she shuddered, little cries working their way from her throat. When she toppled over the edge, she clamped down on him and he stayed buried in her, growling as he followed her.</p><p>Eventually, he recovered and withdrew, rolling onto his side and holding her tight while she trembled and pressed her face to his neck, still clinging to him. She slowly calmed and turned her head to tuck it against his shoulder, taking a breath. "I - I don't know - " It came out a broken whisper.</p><p>"It's alright, angel. You don't need to say anything." His lips brushed her temple and he ran a soothing hand through her hair. "I've got you. I won't let go."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. something about you feels okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not a dark chapter, but minor spoilery content warning in end note.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Nothing hurts when you hide away</em><br/>
<em>Let 'em in and they'll bring the pain</em><br/>
<em>But something about you feels okay</em><br/>
<em>Comfort can't help me grow up anyways</em><br/>
<em>Can't be my selfish nature</em><br/>
<em>Can't be my sin</em><br/>
<em>Are these feelings I long for</em><br/>
<em>Best left unsaid?</em>
</p><p>flor, "unsaid"</p><p>Saturday, December 11, 2004</p><p>"Oh, come on, Mr. Safety First. One drink won't hurt, and it's not like you'll be getting up to anything serious for a few hours," Dora teased with a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows.</p><p>Remus cast a tentative glance toward Hermione.</p><p>"Why are you looking at me? I don't care if you guys drink." He liked to, but not before intense play - actually, rarely before sex at all. She nudged him with her hip and waved the bartender over to their end as she studied the bottles lining the wall. "Writer's Tears, neat, with a water back. And a club soda with lime, please."</p><p>He pulled her into him and kissed her temple as Dora and Ginny ordered. "You know me too well, little one."</p><p>Hermione wound her arm around his waist, hugging him close.</p><p>"What, that you're nauseatingly adult?" Ginny made a face and downed a shot of vodka. "Who goes dancing and actually wants to taste their alcohol?"</p><p>Dora downed her shot as well, grabbing Remus's hand. "Mind if I borrow him? Gin always steps on my toes." Ginny huffed in protest and Hermione shooed them toward the dance floor. Remus took a sip and handed her his drink with a slight look of alarm as Dora hauled him away.</p><p>"I'll dance with you later, and I won't complain about the state of my feet," she promised Ginny, who rolled her eyes and hopped up on a barstool, tugging down her ace bandage of a dress. Hermione took the one next to her, setting Remus's glass down and sipping her soda as she watched him spin Dora.</p><p>He really was an excellent dancer, though the techno pop vibe was a bit outside his usual ballroom range. And he looked hot in faded jeans and a long-sleeved dark green shirt. <em>Well, in everything.</em></p><p>"So how are things?" Ginny asked, nudging Hermione with her elbow. "Come on, at least a few details."</p><p>"Good. Really good, actually." The last few weeks had gone well, and her time with him was a pleasant distraction from her tense talks with the Ministry over the endowment fund and her struggles with trying to develop a Wolfsbane formula that would require fewer doses. But though he didn't pressure her about it, even implicitly, her anxiety about defining what they had was never far from her mind. Studying the glass in her hands, she swirled the ice cubes in it. "Can I ask you something?"</p><p>"You just did." Ginny's lips quirked.</p><p>"Pedant." Hermione scrunched her nose, but turned serious again. "How did you know you were in - um, in love with Dora?"</p><p>"Circe, you've got it bad."</p><p>"Don't start, Gin." She averted her gaze, grateful the artsy Muggle bar down the street from her flat had a DJ playing entirely-too-loud music. And that the dance floor was a fair distance from where they sat.</p><p>Ginny punched her arm. "Oh, come on, he's obviously head over heels for you. Watching the two of you tiptoe around each other is maddening."</p><p>"Could you just answer the question?" Hermione took a large swallow of club soda, beginning to wish she'd turned down the last couple of double dates. And though the thought of it repulsed her these days, this was the kind of conversation that made her wish she drank. Ginny could be frighteningly perceptive. </p><p>"Don't get tetchy." One corner of her mouth turned up into a smile when Hermione looked up. "I realized I didn't want to wake up without her next to me ever again. And that even the things that annoyed me the most were nauseatingly adorable."</p><p><em>Sounds familiar.</em> "How did you know it wasn't just - I don't know, infatuation?"</p><p>"Are you saying you've never been in l - " Ginny's eyes widened. "Holy shit."</p><p>She shifted uncomfortably. "I mean, with Ron, it was - "</p><p>"Oh, save your breath, my feelings aren't hurt. Anyone could see you and my brother annoyed the hell out of each other," Ginny said, reaching to give Hermione's hand a squeeze.</p><p>"I love Ron, just - not like that. But - " Hermione sighed and looked down again. "I thought I was in love once. I was wrong, and it ended up being a - a liability. So...I don't know. What if I'm wrong again? What if I end up hurting him?"</p><p>"Stay in any relationship long enough and you're going to make mistakes and hurt each other. You can't avoid that, Miss Perfectionist. But don't let it hold you back from giving things a shot."</p><p>"I'll keep that in mind." Hermione set her glass on the counter and met Ginny's eyes.</p><p>"Look, Min, love is an action, not just a feeling. And you two treat each other like people who are in love. You want the best for him, right? You want to be there for him even when things are hard and he aggravates you to no end?" The words got stuck in her throat, so she just nodded. Ginny hopped off the stool and gave her an awkward side hug. "He'll stick around until you're ready to say it, trust me."</p><p>Hermione gave a choked laugh, standing and hugging her back. "When did you get so wise, Ginny Weasley?"</p><p>Dora and Remus's return interrupted whatever Ginny was about to say. "You two look far too serious. Clearly more alcohol's in order," Dora said, fanning her face.</p><p>Hermione stepped back quickly as Remus glanced between the two of them and gave her a searching look. She ignored that as well as Ginny's grin and handed him his drink. "Have fun?"</p><p>"Loads," Dora supplied. While Ginny ordered more shots, she added, "Hey, what are you doing for Christmas, Min?"</p><p>"I was planning to pop up to the hospital. It's not exactly the epitome of holiday cheer, especially so close to the full, but I'm hoping I can brighten things up a bit."</p><p>"You should come by the Burrow after if you're not busy, it'd be good to see you."</p><p>After the war, she'd go to the Burrow on Boxing Day if she went at all, to avoid the inevitable questions about her parents. When her shoulders tensed, Remus tangled his fingers with hers, and she glanced up at him. "Are you going?"</p><p>He regarded her carefully for a moment, his face impassive. "Yeah, I am."</p><p>"Would you - um, would you be up for going together?" Her throat was dry and she was certain he could feel her hand shaking.</p><p>She didn't know she was biting her lip until he cupped her cheek and stroked her mouth with his thumb, the gentle reminder she'd gotten used to. "Is that what you want?" he asked softly.</p><p>She wondered if he was Occluding; his expression still gave nothing away, but her stomach knotted with guilt when she realized he thought she might only be asking because Ginny and Dora were there. It hadn't occurred to her until Dora said something - mostly because she found her Christmas visits awkward and had been avoiding thinking about it at all - but she found she did want to go with him. And maybe her Gryffindor courage hadn't completely deserted her. With a shy smile, she squeezed his hand and said, "Yes, please."</p><p>She caught a glimpse of his radiant smile before he disentangled their fingers to take her face in his hands and press a lingering kiss to her forehead. "Then I'd love to. Can I come to the hospital with you first?"</p><p>"I'd love that," she whispered. He was still smiling when he met her eyes. Her cheeks flamed when she glanced at Ginny and realized they had a rapt audience. </p><p>Ginny shot her a surreptitious thumbs up. "Right, it's settled then. More the merrier, far as mum's concerned." She grabbed Dora's hand. "Come on, woman. I have toes to step on."</p><p>Remus finished his whiskey and chased it with water - mostly for her benefit - before he tipped her head up and studied her. She twined her arms around his neck. With her heeled boots, she almost reached his chin, and she stood on tiptoe, kissing him tenderly. Little mewls escaped her as he curled his hands around her hips.</p><p>"Mm. Dance with me, pretty girl?" She'd piled her curls into a messy ponytail, and he gave it a playful tug, tucking one of the strands framing her face behind her ear.</p><p>"Yes, please." </p><p>He orbited her for a few upbeat songs, twirling her until she was breathless and giggling. When a slower one with a heady, deep bass line came on, he pulled her in and she wound her arms around his waist, relishing the feeling of his body against hers. She shivered when he dipped his head and his lips grazed her ear.</p><p>"You look adorable in this sweet little dress, baby girl. Makes me want to do inappropriate things to you." He nipped at her earlobe and traced the shell of her ear with his tongue, toying with the ribbon that cinched the blue lace and tulle babydoll dress at the waist. </p><p>"Oh, that's not fair," she whimpered.</p><p>"What's wrong, angel? Are you already making a mess in your panties?" He slid a hand beneath her hair and caressed the back of her neck.</p><p>She met his gaze, affecting her most innocent look as she tried not to blush. "What panties?"</p><p>His momentarily stunned expression made her grin as he went hard against her with a predatory growl. "Minx. You'll pay for that later."</p><p>"I look forward to it, sir." She pressed her lips to his jaw. The lighting wasn't low enough for him to be able to get away with tormenting her too much, and when the Cha Cha Slide came on, she bounced in excitement, distracting him by tugging him over and waving to Ginny and Dora.</p><p>"What the hell is going on?" Ginny asked, a little unsteady from the vodka. "I thought Muggles left courtly dances in the 18th century."</p><p>Hermione cracked up laughing, beckoning them into line. "I'll teach you. Wizards, honestly!" </p>
<hr/><p>They made it back to her place close to midnight. Once Ginny and Dora stepped through the Floo, Hermione worked off her boots and turned to Remus, pressing her body flush against his and dragging him down into a deep kiss. When he gave her his tongue, she moaned into his mouth, curling her own around it with a shiver. He pushed his leather jacket back from her shoulders and trailed his fingertips down her spine through the fabric of her dress. She clutched at him and wound her legs around his waist as he picked her up, nuzzling into his neck and fluttering her tongue over his pulse.</p><p>"Greedy kitten," he murmured with amusement, holding her close as he made it down the short hallway to her bedroom. He set her down and divested himself of his own shoes and socks, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling her to stand between his legs. At this angle she was a little taller, and she leaned down to kiss him again, running her fingers through his hair. "Mm. On your knees, little one."</p><p>She knelt and cuddled in close between his legs as he brushed her hair back from her face.</p><p>"I want to ask you something."</p><p>"Yes, sir?" She felt a flicker of curiosity. He had a habit of pausing before they got too involved to ask about trying new things - he'd told her once that he didn't want her to agree to something just because he'd driven her out of her mind.</p><p>"Your limit on anal sex. Is it just intercourse, or do you not like to be touched there at all?"</p><p>"I - um, I used to enjoy it. Before the - " She took a deep breath and looked down for a moment, then back up once she mustered the courage to meet his eyes. She'd never named what happened out loud to him before, even though they'd skirted the subject several times. "Before the abuse. But I haven't tried it since." </p><p>Getting back into sex and kink at all had been an undertaking - in terms of learning to navigate her triggers and also in internalizing that there wasn't something wrong with her for enjoying it. Talking with Sabine was helpful in that regard, but she never felt comfortable enough with her boyfriend in France to try this. It was one of the few things Ron had been adventurous about, though, and she'd liked it a lot once.</p><p>"Would you like to?"</p><p>She turned the question over in her mind. One of the hardest parts about managing her triggers was the inevitable awkwardness and discomfort that ensued whenever they came up. "Yes, sir. But I don't want to ruin things, if - if I get triggered - "</p><p>"Shh, you won't ruin anything." He cupped her cheek, stroking her gently with his thumb. "I don't ever want to trigger you, but I know it's a risk with what we do, and I want you to know it's safe to try things if you want to. We'll go slow, and if you get triggered or you want to stop, I won't be upset. Are you sure you want to try it again?"</p><p>"Yes, please." She gave him a shy smile. "Thank you for being so patient with me."</p><p>He shot her the odd look he saved for what he considered her excessive tendencies towards apology and thanks, but his gaze was warm. "Of course, angel."</p><p>"You do make me feel safe." She kissed his palm.</p><p>"I'm glad." He tapped her nose and gave her ponytail a tug. "You look so pretty in your dress, but you've been a naughty little girl, not wearing any panties."</p><p>She blushed and squeezed her thighs together. "I couldn't help it, it's so much fun to distract you, Daddy."</p><p>"Oh, you're excellent at distracting me." With a wolfish grin, he pulled her hair more firmly, drawing her from her knees to settle over his lap. "I think I need to teach you a lesson for being such a tease, though."</p><p>It was a flimsy pretext and not a punishment, but the sternness in his voice made her wetter. She spread her legs before he could tell her to, with a shiver of anticipation. </p><p>"Good girl." He caressed her inner thighs, already damp with her excitement from earlier, and lifted her dress, letting the fabric pool around her lower back. It was a strange feeling, being clothed but also exposed, but it turned her on. "You know, not wearing panties has its advantages, now that I think about it. Easy access is very enticing. Shame we didn't go to a club, I could have found a dark corner and felt you up properly, baby girl. You were wet earlier, weren't you?"</p><p>"Yes, Daddy." And if she'd been wet earlier, she was soaking now.</p><p>"I love how you're always so eager, my pretty little slut. I barely have to touch you or say anything to get you begging." He punctuated the epithet with a gentle smack, and she shifted position, trying to avoid the friction of his jeans, even though she craved it. The way he warmed her up with his hand over several minutes didn't help, as he took frequent breaks to rub her reddened skin and tease her.</p><p>When he ghosted his fingertips along her slit again, she moaned and spread wider, seeking more of his touch, and he chuckled, withdrawing. She cried out as he gave her a series of harsher smacks, a shudder rippling through her. "Fucking hell."</p><p>"Messy girl." He ran his hand up and down her inner thigh. "And so needy, you're practically grinding on my leg."</p><p>"I'm trying not to," she whimpered. "I'm aching, Daddy. Please fuck me."</p><p>"Oh, I can see that. It's so fun to watch you struggle." He teased her a moment longer before sliding a finger inside of her, and she came up off his lap, her back bowing as she rocked her hips against him. He gave her a second digit, meeting her urgent movements with rough thrusts as he lightly encircled her throat with his other hand. "That's it, come for me. Show Daddy what a slut you are."</p><p>As his thumb swiped her clit, a sharp cry fell from her lips and her climax ripped through her, making her clamp down on his fingers and leaving her trembling with the force of it. </p><p>"There's a good girl." He stroked her back as she settled, then pulled her up and cuddled her on his lap. When he put his dripping fingers to her mouth, she suckled them, her moans muffled against his skin. After a few minutes, he asked, "How are you feeling, angel?"</p><p>"Mm. Debauched." She reluctantly let his fingers go, hiding her face against his shoulder when she noticed where she'd soaked his leg.</p><p>He gave a rumbling laugh and pressed a tender kiss to her temple, freeing her hair of its tie and carding his hand through it. "You're so damn cute. Especially when you're debauched."</p><p>She snuggled in close, reveling in the comfort of his embrace. "How are you?"</p><p>"I'm happy." </p><p>She smiled at the contentment in his voice, nipping at his neck and laving his pulse as she shifted on his lap. "And hard," she added hopefully.</p><p>"Little imp. I have other plans for you." He drew her head back, his lips leaving a trail down her throat, then let go of her hair to divest her of her dress, kissing along her neck and biting down.</p><p>"Jesus Christ." She arched to his touch as he soothed the bite with his tongue, his thumbs grazing her nipples through the thin lace of her bra before he unclipped it and she shrugged it off. When he laid her on the bed and knelt between her legs, she tugged him down into another passionate kiss, coaxing his tongue into her mouth and sucking softly until he groaned.</p><p>His mouth traveled over her neck and shoulder as she ran her fingers through his hair. He skimmed her curse scar with the faintest brush of his lips, making her shiver, and teased at her nipples with his tongue and teeth.</p><p>"Daddy, please," she whimpered, rocking her hips up to him, seeking the friction against his hard length through the denim.</p><p>"Patience, little one," he murmured, his breath caressing her skin. "It takes time to kiss every inch of you properly." She didn't realize she was clutching him with her legs until he disentangled himself from her grip, nudging her to part them wider as his mouth traveled over her stomach and he nuzzled her hip. When he settled between her legs and blew over her sensitive folds, she cursed. "Lift up."</p><p>She glanced down at him, heavy-lidded with arousal, to see him slide a pillow beneath her hips as he whispered a cleansing charm. It was an odd angle, but not uncomfortable. </p><p>He held her gaze and reached for her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers. "Alright, angel?"</p><p>She nodded. "Yes, sir. I'd be better if you'd - <em>fuck</em> - " It came out a strangled moan as he drew his tongue from her core to her clit. </p><p>"You were saying?" He gave her a smug grin, nipping at the top of her inner thigh and running his mouth from there to her knee before repeating the movement on her other leg. "Knees up."</p><p>She lifted them and felt him lapping at her entrance again, then - "Oh!"</p><p>The way he studied her told her the brush of his tongue along her perineum was very much intentional. "Was that a good 'oh' or a bad 'oh,' baby girl?" He'd only pulled back enough to make his words understood, and the warmth of his breath made her gasp.</p><p>"Um - I don't - <em>every</em> inch? Really?" Her words were broken by panting as he nuzzled her there. The stimulation made it difficult to think, and the vibration of his chuckle didn't help. </p><p>"I did say that." He lifted his head, rubbing a circle on her palm with his thumb. "No one's ever done that before?" As she bit her lip and shook her head, he said, "How did it feel?"</p><p>She was definitely blushing again. "G - good. But that's - you don't have to - "</p><p>"Shh. I don't need to remind you about questioning me, do I?" he asked gently.</p><p>"No, sir. I'm sorry."</p><p>"It's alright, baby girl, I know you're shy. But you don't have to worry, I like doing this." He gave her hand a squeeze, smiling up at her. "I want you to tell me if it stops feeling good, okay? If you can't talk, pull your hand away so I'll know to stop."</p><p>She nodded. "Yes, sir." </p><p>Her blush deepened as his head dipped and she felt the strange sensation of his tongue fluttering against her perineum again. As she exhaled quiet noises of pleasure, his mouth moved further down, and he laved the tight opening of her ass with soft strokes. He gradually grew firmer, his tongue circling it as he nuzzled her and his beard tickled her sensitive skin. Her arousal built with the relentless stimulation, until after several minutes, she was shuddering helplessly, the hand he wasn't holding tangled in his hair.</p><p>"Oh, God. Please, Daddy - "</p><p>"What's the matter, kitten? Does your little pussy ache? I can taste you dripping."</p><p>She nodded, meeting his eyes. "Please, please touch my clit. I need to come."</p><p>"You can come as much as you want, baby girl." </p><p>Relief washed through her as he lowered his head again, licking her ass firmly. He ran his thumb along her slit and circled her clit with it, and she was so sensitive that she jerked away slightly. When he rubbed the bundle of nerves, she cried out and came hard, and he kept up the movement, dragging out her climax.</p><p>As she surfaced, shaking, he lapped up the wetness leaking from her center. "That's my good girl."</p><p>"Thank you, Daddy," she whispered when she finally regained the ability to form words.</p><p>He pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her vulva, teasing the sensitive skin of her ass with a fingertip. "You're welcome, angel. You're so beautiful when you come for me. Do you want more?"</p><p>The brush of his finger made her quiver. "Y - yes, please."</p><p>"My little hedonist," he teased, nibbling at her thigh. "Do you want me to finger your bottom, baby girl?"</p><p>"Yes, sir." She was certain she was permanently blushing now.</p><p>He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles where their hands were still joined. "Just relax for me. I'll go slow. Tell me if it's too much."</p><p>At her nod, he murmured a charm that turned out to be for lubrication. The preparation of his mouth and his teasing had left her relaxed enough that he didn't have difficulty entering her. She felt only the mild discomfort she'd expected at first, but the sensation of his tongue on her pussy was a welcome distraction.</p><p>He held her gaze the entire time, and when he went deeper, she noticed his eyes widen a half second before she felt it. She hissed in pain and tensed instinctively. "I know, angel, I'm so sorry, I'm almost out - " </p><p>The resistance of Remus's hand prying hers away from her arm jarred Hermione minutes later. She clawed her way back to awareness in fragments: the too-loud drum of her heart, the murmur of his voice, the soreness where she'd gripped her arm, the warmth of a blanket. The pressure of the bed meant she was lying curled on her side. And the dull throb of pain reminded her - </p><p>Emerging from dissociation was a bit like emerging from intoxication, a process of finding the shards of yourself and piecing them together until they made a picture that was less blurred, closer to reality. And ruthlessly fighting the desire to let the riptide pull you back under.</p><p>She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath, blowing it out shakily. Then did it again. </p><p>"That's it, little one. In and out." As she reached in front of her, towards the sound, Remus gave her his hand and she clutched it. She opened her eyes with more clarity to see him crouched next to the bed. "Can you hear me, Min?"</p><p>She nodded. "I - I'm sorry."</p><p>"Shh. Is it okay if I touch you?" At her nod, he stroked her hair back from her face, and the familiar touch helped to ground her. She only realized she was trembling when she stopped, her muscles slowly letting go of some of their rigidity. "Is there anything you need? Do you want me to get your clothes?"</p><p>"Um, can you get me a p - potion?" When he stood, she clutched his hand tighter before she could think. She bit her lip, willing herself to let go, but he just squeezed back and spoke a summoning charm instead. </p><p>"Will you take a stronger one?" he asked. "Or a calming?"</p><p>"No." To her relief, he didn't argue, just knelt next to her again, uncorking the anti-inflammatory and holding her head up as she swallowed it. "Thank you."</p><p>She quashed the suffocating flicker of panic at the thought of what could have happened had she been less lucid. <em>This is Remus. He didn't fight you on taking it. He wouldn't drug you. </em></p><p>"Of course." </p><p>Within minutes, the potion kicked in, the internal ache mellowing to mere discomfort. She pushed herself up, her tight muscles protesting the movement. "I'll be right back."</p><p>She could feel his eyes on her as she stood. The blanket he'd tucked around her was the throw she kept at the end of the bed, and she wrapped herself tightly in it, padding over to the dresser and withdrawing one of his t-shirts and a pair of underwear before she made her way to the bath.</p><p>The shower was tempting, but the thought exhausted her, so she cleansed herself with magic and splashed water on her face before she got dressed and brushed her teeth. She had a hard time recognizing herself in the mirror, an uncomfortable feeling she hadn't experienced in some time.</p><p>She stepped into the hallway and nearly bumped into him. "Just came to check on you."</p><p>Mustering a small smile, she said, "I'm okay. I'm sorry for worrying you."</p><p>"You don't have anything to apologize for, baby girl. Do you still want me to stay with you tonight?"</p><p>"Yeah, of course. You don't have to tiptoe around me, Daddy. I won't break." She hugged him tightly, hoping he wasn't regretting the decision to stay over.</p><p>He took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead. "Go lay down, I'll be there in a second."</p><p>She tossed the throw aside and curled up under the duvet, sitting up when he brought her a glass of water and drinking some before she set it on the nightstand. As he tugged his t-shirt over his head, she thought of something else and frowned. "I - I might have nightmares tonight. I understand if you don't want to stay - "</p><p>"Of course I want to stay. That doesn't bother me." She'd had a couple more when they were together since that first night, and having him there usually helped her get back to sleep after. He worked his jeans off and left his boxers on. "Do you have any bruise salve?"</p><p><em>Right.</em> She reached into the nightstand and withdrew a small jar. She started to open it, but he perched on the edge of the bed and took it from her, pushing her sleeve up and applying it to her arm with a light touch. When she scooted over to give him room to lay down and snuggled into his embrace, he said, "Little thief. I've been looking everywhere for this shirt."</p><p>"You have four others exactly like it!"</p><p>His chuckle reverberated against her cheek. "What, you count them before you steal them to make sure I won't notice?"</p><p>She squirmed away as he tickled her, giggling. "Maybe."</p><p>"They look better on you anyway." He pulled her back into his arms and she nuzzled her cheek to his shoulder. "I'm sorry for hurting you, baby girl."</p><p>"If I don't get to apologize, you definitely don't get to apologize. You didn't mean to. I just don't understand, everything was going really well until - " She sighed.</p><p>"You don't know why it was painful?" At the shake of her head, he said, "You have scarring there, angel. It doesn't normally hurt?"</p><p>"I should know that. Fuck. I should - " She inhaled sharply, wishing she didn't feel like her body wasn't hers. The soothing weight of his hand in her hair distracted her from that discomfiting sensation.</p><p>She debated whether to continue; it could lead to him asking questions she couldn't answer. But he hadn't yet, so after a moment she said, "The first year or two after, I dissociated a lot. Even when I was present, I was still numb. I guess it hurts sometimes, but by the time I got past that, it was just...normal. I don't usually notice it. And scar tissue doesn't - doesn't show up on diagnosis spells." She swallowed hard. "I wish I was less of a head case. It must be exhausting to deal with."</p><p>"Shh. You're not a head case or a burden or any of the other things you tell yourself." He stroked her cheek and nudged her to lift her head. When she met his eyes, he said, "Min, I need to make this clear. I don't want you to feel bad for being triggered with me, or for being uncomfortable doing certain things. And if something hurts you, or even if you just don't want to do it, I want you to tell me. Even if it's something we do all the time. You can change your mind at any point, okay?"</p><p>She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, but - I mean - " He'd said similar things before, and he never made her feel like she had to do anything, so she shouldn't have been skeptical. But sex was one of the core reasons they'd started this in the first place.</p><p>He sighed and cradled her head to his chest. "Do you remember how I was with Sirius?"</p><p>"Yeah." She'd pegged their relationship that first summer she'd stayed at Grimmauld Place, before Fifth Year. She didn't make a big deal of it, but she told him the next summer when she gave her condolences on his loss. Everyone had been so focused on Harry then - that wasn't a bad thing, but she knew Sirius's death had impacted Remus deeply, too.</p><p>"After Azkaban, there were things he couldn't do. Sometimes we'd try and it'd go well, and sometimes we'd run into triggers. Sometimes he didn't want to have sex or be touched at all. I expect it after what you've been through, and I don't want you to feel guilty about it, or to do anything out of some misguided sense of obligation."</p><p>"Thank you." She knew Sirius had struggled a lot after Azkaban, but she'd never thought about that aspect. It explained better Remus's sensitivity to her own trauma. She tilted her head to press a kiss to his jaw, running her hand through his beard. "I normally like the things we do, though. I liked what you did before that. And I - I like that you don't treat me like I'm made of glass, like I'm a victim."</p><p>"I liked what we did before that, too." He smiled and pecked her lips. "So now we know that's good, and penetration isn't. And you'll tell me if anything changes or you don't feel up for something."</p><p>"Yes, sir. I promise."</p><p>"Good girl." He switched off the lamp by her bed and held her close, stroking her hair. "Goodnight, angel."</p><p>"Night, Daddy." She tucked her head to his chest. She knew the way her body fit against the solidity of his, and the familiarity of it made her feel more like herself. It took longer than usual, but lulled by the sound of his heartbeat, she eventually found sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Content warning for triggers coming up during sex, dissociation, and aftermath. Also for anal play and rimming, in case that squicks anyone.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. days like today are the antidote</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tum kaise ho - how are you?<br/>I needed some inspiration so made a teaser image, it's at the end!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>You cause lanterns to light and force demons disperse</em><br/><em>And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears</em><br/><em>Then, for evil, you could not be worse</em><br/><em>You're the only little girl I know w</em><em>ho'd bring a kite in the snow</em><br/><em>Said, "You just gonna hold it up?"<br/></em> <em>Said, "Nah, I'm gonna let it go"</em><br/><em>And when your heart hurts, d</em><em>ays like today are the antidote</em><br/><em>If you think just maybe it's her</em><br/><em>Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know</em></p><p>Dermot Kennedy, "After Rain"</p><p>Saturday, December 25, 2004</p><p>Hermione darted around her flat, an over-caffeinated golden snitch. Remus settled on reading and sipping the tea she made him at a leisurely pace after the third time she refused his help, just so he wouldn’t get dizzy at the sight. </p><p>For once, she’d woken as early as he did, a bundle of nerves and excitement. She hadn’t celebrated the holidays much in years because of the loss of her parents, but he wondered if she might not be overdoing it a bit for her patients. He was still happy to visit with her and see where she worked, and thrilled that she’d given him the present he most wanted when she asked if they could go to the Burrow together. He knew she was nervous about people besides Ginny and Dora learning of them, and no small amount of that was her ‘I’m not good at feelings’ thing, but he was proud to have her on his arm.</p><p>He looked up when she came to a sudden stop in front of the couch, checking her watch. “Christ, it’s already seven. How do I look?”</p><p>“Like Father Christmas's most adorable elf.” Setting the book aside, he pulled her onto his lap, kissing her soundly. He slipped his hands beneath her red sweater, a Molly Weasley original, and let them wander some places Molly wouldn’t approve of. </p><p>She moaned into his mouth and eventually he broke the kiss, not wanting to get her too riled for the moment. “Does this mean I got on the naughty list?”</p><p>“If by that you mean am I going to make up for a day of basking in your cuteness without being able to do anything about it by fucking you until you can’t walk when we get home, the answer is yes.” She gave a frustrated little whimper at the promise and he took her face in his hands, kissing her forehead. “You’re still my good girl, though.”</p><p>“’Kay.” She hugged him tightly. “Thanks for coming with me. You really didn’t have to - “</p><p>He silenced her with a finger to her lips. “I want to. I’ve been meaning to ask you how much paperwork I have to fill out in triplicate to volunteer, anyway.”</p><p>“Wait, really?” His heart skipped a beat as her eyes lit up like he’d given her the best gift she could imagine. Like he’d just promised her the stars. It had been on his mind ever since their first date, and he regretted not following through sooner.</p><p>“Yes, really, silly girl.” He kissed her nose, hoping she’d like her actual gift half as much.</p><p>“You’re the best, Daddy,” she informed him, then set to hugging him even tighter, until he gasped, “Oxygen.”</p><p>“Right.” She let him go and he snaked his arms around her once his lungs had refilled, cuddling her. “So, it’s just twelve that didn’t take holiday leave. And - “ She bit her lip. “I hate to ask this, but can I use you to coax Zain out of his shell? He’s been really down and his parents are - “ She sighed and offered a helpless shrug.</p><p>“Yeah, of course, but I might need more to go on than that.” As a shadow passed over her face, he ran a tender hand through her curls.</p><p>“You remember when I was upset last month?” At his nod, she continued, “He’s that patient. 15, bitten right before he was due to start Hogwarts. He doesn't go home much, and I'm trying to put a stop to that - I was upset because he came back from Eid leave covered in bruises. His Dad’s been horrid to him ever since he was bitten, and his Mum's okay, but she won't stand up for him. Family’s British-Pakistani, like me, so he’s sort of become attached.”</p><p>“Merlin, that’s awful about his parents.” Remus recalled how lost and in pain she’d looked when she asked him to beat her. They talked about her parents after, but she didn’t tell him much about what caused it in the first place. </p><p>“Yeah. He wants to be an Auror, and he’ll pass his N.E.W.T.S. if he can get some tutoring and support to leave the ward when he’s of age, but - “ She shook her head. “Just, imagine all the usual teenage drama with an extra helping of that. He’s having trouble believing me that it will get better. But I think he’d take to meeting an adult wolf who wasn’t a patient, somebody who has as normal a life as possible, given the restrictions, anyway. Especially if you let him pester you with work talk.”</p><p>“Anytime, angel.” He grazed her cheek with his knuckles.</p><p>“Thank you.” She rested her forehead against his, snuggling in close to him for a few more minutes before she peeled herself away and stuck on a seasonal headband. “Okay, presents, check. Sweater, check. Antlers, check. Daddy, check. Think I’m ready.”</p><p>“Sure you’re not forgetting anything, my little reindeer?” he teased, eyeing the sizeable purse that she’d enchanted with one of her extension charms and stuffed with gifts.</p><p>She gave him a slight look of alarm. “Cookies!” The bells on her antler headband jingled as she dashed into the kitchen and came back levitating a covered platter and an insulated pitcher.</p><p>“You’re like a one-woman Christmas show, baby girl.” He laughed, snagging both from the air once he stood. “I’ve got these, you get your bag and the Floo powder.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” Before she hefted the thing, she leaned against his side and gave him another quick squeeze. “Thank you so much for doing this with me. It really means a lot.”</p><p>“You don’t have to thank me, angel. I want to," he reminded her.</p><p>They made it through the Floo and up the elevator one floor. The ward entrance was right across from it, with a desk out front.</p><p>“Morning, Moira! Happy Christmas. Want a cookie?”</p><p>A severe-looking older witch with brown hair pulled into a tight bun looked up from her book with an expression somewhere between fondness and exasperation. More towards exasperation. “Cookies are not an acceptable breakfast food, Granger. You look ridiculous.”</p><p>“Thanks, Senior Healer Scrooge! I’ll take that as a compliment. I hope you get to have some fun later.”</p><p>“Spending the evening with the grandbabies, just happy to make holiday pay sitting around on my ass for once.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit!” Hermione tossed over her shoulder as she pressed a hand against the ward door, which flashed blue. He heard the clicking of the lock as her magical signature was recognized, then the doors swung open.</p><p>Okay, maybe she wasn’t overdoing it. </p><p>A huge tree stood in the corner, one he suspected she had a hand in procuring and decorating given the absurd quantity of tinsel. There was a buffet of breakfast pastries and juice, where he deposited her platter and pitcher, and a few of the patients had on seasonal pajamas.</p><p>But on the whole, the place was about as bleak and sterile as the rest of the hospital, and the sense of exhaustion from the residents went deeper than just the effects of Wolfsbane this close to the full. A large, harshly lit sitting room opened onto a long hallway on the other side, with a few other doors scattered along the walls, one leading out to an enclosed courtyard. The thought of spending months here, let alone years or an entire childhood, made his chest ache.</p><p>And the room was about two-thirds kids, one as young as five. The adults seemed to care for the younger ones more than the staff. Hermione introduced him around and he gathered that the residents were very fond of her. He didn’t meet Zain, though. Once presents had been passed around, they decided to wait on opening them, and Hermione led him down the long hallway to a door near the end.</p><p>She tapped on a closed door, speaking softly. “Zain, it’s Hermione. Can I come in?”</p><p>A frown tugged at her mouth until the door opened a minute later, revealing a gangly kid with dusky skin and chestnut hair who looked as if he’d been crying.</p><p>“Oh, beta,” Hermione sighed, pulling him into a tight hug. Remus hovered in the doorway as she led Zain over to the bed, dropping to her knees in front of him when he sat down. “Tum kaise ho?”</p><p>“I thought you weren’t coming. The full isn’t ‘til tomorrow, and you never come on Saturdays.” </p><p>“I promised you I would, didn’t I?” She took his hands in her own. “I always keep my promises.”</p><p>“I know, it’s just - “ He launched into what Remus took to be Urdu, the rest of the conversation swapping back and forth, with only a few snatches of English he could catch.</p><p>“Honey, God won’t be disappointed in you if you participate. Just because you’re opening presents doesn’t mean you believe in all of it,” she said, brushing his hair back from his face. “Besides, I got you a pretty cool present. And you deserve to have some fun with your friends.”</p><p>“They’re not my friends. They’re just stuck here, like me.”</p><p>“I know that’s not true. I’m your friend, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Of course, but - “ He broke off again and then spoke a few words in Urdu that made Hermione’s breath catch the way it did when she was on the verge of tears. Remus could see the tense set of her shoulders and sense it in the slight change to her scent.</p><p>She exhaled a shaky sigh and cupped the boy’s cheek, whispering a few words back, then adding in English, “I’ll always be your aapa. Okay? No matter what.” At his nod, she continued, “Good. I want you to meet my friend Remus. He’s like you guys. And he works with the Aurors. If you come hang out with us, he’ll tell you about it.”</p><p>The kid’s face brightened when she introduced them, and he gave Remus’s hand a tentative shake. </p><p>“Okay, I need to go grab stuff from my office, I’ll be back in a few. I expect to see you out there when I get back, yeah? I brought masala chai, it’s in the ceramic pitcher."</p><p>“Yes, aapa,” he replied with a long-suffering sigh as she ruffled his messy hair.</p><p>Remus followed her out of the ward. When they rounded the corner and made it down the hallway to her office, she closed the door behind them and leaned against it, shutting her eyes. </p><p>He gathered her into his arms, rubbing her back gently. “What is it, angel? What did he say?”</p><p>She sniffled, burying her face in his sweater, her voice muffled. “He said he wished I was his mum.”</p><p>Remus stroked her hair and pressed a lingering kiss to her temple. She would be a wonderful mother someday, if she wanted to be - and he briefly had to quash a flicker of hope at that thought - but her big heart was one of the things that made him worry most about her. “He loves you and you’re probably the best thing in his life, Min. You do everything you can, and more than anyone would. Don’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders, okay?”</p><p>She nodded and let out a long sigh, lifting her head. He brushed away the few tears on her cheeks, and she nuzzled his palm. “You’re really good to me.”</p><p>“You make it easy,” he said with a soft smile.</p><p>“Right, can’t sing and cry at the same time,” she said, taking a deep breath and ducking out of his embrace. She grabbed a big case from the closet.</p><p>He blinked. “Is that a guitar?”</p><p>“That depends, how good are you at keeping secrets?” she asked with an air of mischief.</p><p>“Master Occlumens, remember?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, mind like a steel trap, this one.” A pretty blush colored her cheeks. “Okay, if you tease me about this I won’t forgive you. Only my patients even know I play. Well, and my parents, before. My dad taught me. The kids don’t get much recreation, so I started informal music classes after I came to work here.”</p><p>“You’re a revelation, little one,” he said with a shake of his head. “Does this mean I can talk you into singing for me?”</p><p>She scrunched her nose at him. “I'll think about it, if I can get over my nerves.”</p><p>“I can think of a few ways to help with that.”</p><p>“I bet you can. Let’s get out of here before I forget what I’m supposed to be doing and ask you to show me. You’re very distracting, sir."</p><p>He chuckled, giving her hair a little tug before she took hold of his hand and wandered back towards the ward.</p><p>“Sure you don’t want to join us for carols, Moira? I promise to keep it a secret if you crack a smile,” Hermione said with a teasing lilt.</p><p>“I’d rather be trampled by rampaging hippogriffs, Granger,” the witch assured her, but he did spot a small smile once Hermione’s back was turned.</p><p>Most of the residents, save one or two adults, seemed enthralled by the prospect of carols, but she insisted everyone open presents first, since the kids had been so patient. Some of them had gifts from their families or other patients, but a few only had hers. When Zain opened the guitar she'd gotten for him, he tackled her.</p><p>“You’re the best!” </p><p>“I know, I know,” she grinned as she disentangled herself from his grip. “Have you been working on what we talked about?”</p><p>He nodded. “I’m halfway done, it’s in my room.”</p><p>“Good. Show me on Wednesday, and we’ll practice some basic chords.” She squeezed his hand before sending him to sit next to Remus a little further away, as some of the kids piped up to tell her to open her presents and piled a few things in her lap. “You guys didn’t need to get me anything.”</p><p>“We just wanted to show our appreciation for staying with us on the full, Miss Hermione,” Morgan, one of the other teens, said with a smirk. </p><p>Hermione cocked an eyebrow and opened the first one, a bundle of herbs. “Oh, very funny.” The second was a ball of yarn, and she ripped the paper off of a larger one sitting next to the chair to reveal a scratching post. “You guys are hysterical,” she said with an exasperated laugh and a roll of her eyes. “Whose idea was this? If there’s a litterbox under the tree, I’m never speaking to any of you again.”</p><p>Morgan snorted, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s Zain’s fault.”</p><p>“It was your idea,” he shot back petulantly, but he gave Hermione a guilty glance. “I may have helped. A bit. But everyone else did, too!”</p><p>“I don’t get it,” Remus spoke up. Her letters had mentioned not wanting to get another cat after Crookshanks died. But it seemed like an in joke, not that he minded too much. He enjoyed watching her rapport with her patients.</p><p>“Show him. Do it!” Morgan's heckling was echoed by several others.</p><p>“Oh, alright, fine.” She gave Remus a look he couldn’t read. “I was going to take the full off sometime to surprise you, but since I’ve got such an insistent audience - "</p><p>Then she disappeared in a swirl of magic and a blur darted towards him so quickly he didn’t see it until it landed in his lap. A small white cat with Hermione’s hazel eyes - a munchkin cat, he realized, spotting the short front legs. There was scattered clapping from their audience. She gave a rumbling purr that reverberated through his leg and his hand as he sunk it into her fur. </p><p>She was no less tactile in her Animagus form, and she rolled onto her back, her paws trapping his wrist as he rubbed her belly with a rumbling chuckle of his own. She peeked around his arm and though he couldn’t see it, he was fairly sure she was blushing. She escaped his hand to clamber onto his shoulder, careful to avoid scratching him, and nuzzled her wet, pink nose to his cheek. He turned his head to peck her.</p><p>“Aww, that’s disgustingly cute,” Morgan said in an ‘I’m far too cool for this’ voice that he remembered well enough from teaching teenagers. “Think I’m gonna vom. Zain, grab the catnip. Let’s get her stoned!”</p><p>Hermione rubbed up against him once more before jumping off of his lap and resuming her human form with a stern glance at Morgan.</p><p>“No one’s getting stoned." She pulled the girl into her side and hugged her. “But thanks, Morg, that was the best gag gift I’ve gotten. I’ll have to introduce you to George Weasley sometime.”</p><p>“Wait, really?” Morgan went from ‘too cool’ to rapt attention in the span of a second as she squeezed Hermione back.</p><p>“Yeah. I always assumed your pranks were just to give me gray hair, but I’m sure he’d love to talk shop. Now that we’ve all had a good laugh at my expense, though, I think we’re overdue for carols. Who wants tea and cookies?”</p><p>She made his the way he preferred, pouring the tea she’d brought for herself and Zain and levitating the cups over. She offered him a sip of hers. “You probably won’t like it, too sweet and milky."</p><p>“It’s good, if I don’t have the expectation going in that it should taste like a proper Earl Grey,” he said, rewarded with a small smile from her as he savored the complex blend of spices. “You’re a bundle of surprises, kitten.”</p><p>She did blush then, bending to kiss him on the cheek as Zain made gagging noises. She stuck her tongue out at the boy and offered her hand. “Come help me with carols, beta.”</p><p>Morgan took the empty chair next to Remus as Zain engaged Hermione in a spirited argument over playing the rapped version of Jingle Bells instead of the sung one. She insisted on sung first, but after she gave in and played what he wanted while he rapped and another kid beatboxed. Then she moved onto more traditional songs, taking requests.</p><p>“She here because of you?” Morgan asked, drawing his attention from them. “Zain said you’re like us, but you look too normal.”</p><p>Remus's lips quirked at that observation. “I was bitten by Fenrir Greyback when I was four. I was a mess when I first met her, only had a job because my friends helped and I was useful. Things got better, though. And they will for you guys, too.”</p><p>“Yeah, they all say that to be nice, but she’s the only one who acts like she believes it. I heard she wants to fight the Wizengamot for us." She took a sip of cider and tucked her pajama-clad legs beneath her, sounding resigned. "The good Healers never last long."</p><p>“We were friends, we’d grown apart until recently. I’m sure that played some part in why she went into this field, but she’s always wanted to help people. Hey - " He waited until she met his eyes before he continued. "She’s not here for me, she's here because she cares about you guys and she thinks we deserve the same chances as everyone else. And she’s not going anywhere.”</p><p>“She’s different. Doesn’t play favorites, not even with Zain. She made me a sponge cake for my birthday, usually I just get the regular stuff from the cafeteria.” A small smile cracked through Morgan’s jaded expression. “Do you really think she’ll be able to change things?”</p><p>“I think if anyone can, it’s her. She’s the strongest, most determined person I’ve ever met.”</p><p>"She know you’re in love with her?” she whispered with a grin.</p><p>Remus sighed. “Am I that obvious?”</p><p>“Only to anyone with eyes." She gave his shoulder a playful nudge.</p><p>“It’s a bit early to go down that road yet,” he said, but he thought of the jewelry box in his pocket. His worries about scaring her off weren’t appropriate conversation, though, so he left it at that.</p><p>“Whatever. Werewolves have shorter life expectancies and you’re already geriatric, dude. Don’t wait too long.” </p><p>He cracked up laughing. <em>Oh, the incisive wisdom of the young.</em> “I’ll take it under advisement.”</p><p>Soon enough, Morgan abandoned her chair to Zain, who peppered him with questions about the Ministry. Remus couldn’t bring himself to interrupt Hermione when she was having so much fun putting toys together and playing with the kids, but eventually she checked her watch and gave him a look of alarm. </p><p>After multiple rounds of hugs and a brief talk with Zain, she grabbed his hand and wished Moira a Happy Christmas again, stopping in her office to drop off her guitar. </p><p>“Thanks again for coming with me.” She smiled at him, but her shoulders were tense. “I’m sorry we’re running late.”</p><p>“It’s alright, little one.” He perched on the edge of her desk and pulled her to stand between his legs. “You’re still nervous?” It was easy enough to guess why, but she hadn't discussed her concerns about being more public with him, and he still wasn't sure he fully understood her fear of naming their relationship.</p><p>He had a touch of nerves himself - however distant things had gotten with her, Molly and Arthur would always see her as a daughter, and though they’d been supportive of his relationship with Dora, Hermione was several years younger. He hoped they'd be happy for the two of them, though, and he wasn't too fussed with anyone's opinion. He still held some insecurity over his affliction and what she'd have to take on if things got more serious, but he was worlds away from how he'd once been.</p><p>“It’s nothing, sir.”</p><p>“You can tell me, Min,” he said, cupping her cheek and nudging her to meet his eyes. </p><p>She just shook her head and dropped a kiss to his mouth, nibbling at his lower lip as he held her close. When he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers, she gave him a soft smile. “We’d better go or we’ll really be late. Besides, I want to get to the part where you fuck me ‘til I can’t walk," she added with a bounce.</p><p>"Such an eager kitten." He took her headband off, setting it on her desk so he could run his fingers through her hair. Fisting his hand in her curls, he tugged her head back and ran his mouth over her throat, enjoying the sound of her pleading whimpers. “You’d better remember this all afternoon. I want those panties nice and wet when we get home, little girl.”</p><p>She gasped as he moved her sweater aside to bite her shoulder, his teeth pressing into her skin until she shuddered. He soothed the bite with his tongue before sorting her sweater, but kept his hold on her hair, capturing her in a deeper kiss and curling his tongue around hers. She mewled into his mouth, clutching at his shoulders.</p><p>“Oh, God.” She was flushed and panting when he broke the kiss and loosened his grip, and he carded a gentler hand through her curls as she leaned into him. “Definitely wet now, Daddy. Fucking hell.”</p><p>“That’s my good girl,” he murmured, savoring her happy little wriggle at the praise as he wrapped her in a tight hug. “You’re much less anxious when you’re properly distracted.”</p><p>She giggled and pressed a kiss to his neck. “Thank you for tormenting me, sir.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, baby girl," he said with a chuckle. He tangled his fingers with hers, a swell of joy and optimism overtaking his nerves as they headed for the Floo.</p><hr/><p>
  
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. i've got a fairy tale in my heart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a week with all the power and water outages, y'all. But I made it through and everything's nearly back to rights now! I hope everyone's safe and well, and that you enjoy this copious amount of tooth-rotting fluff and smut.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>So step inside</em><br/>
<em>'Cause that night is cold, it don't deserve such a smile</em><br/>
<em>And it's not enough for it to show up every once in awhile</em><br/>
<em>In the moonlight, I should</em><br/>
<em>Kiss you at Samhain, throw it all down</em><br/>
<em>Wouldn't that be cool?</em><br/>
<em>To kill the guard, open the gates for feelings unbound</em><br/>
<em>But I've been keeping hope</em><br/>
<em>And I've got a fairy tale in my heart, I can cope</em><br/>
<em>But I've been keeping hope</em><br/>
<em>I bet they had you in mind when naming the rose</em>
</p><p>Dermot Kennedy, “Shelter”</p><p>Saturday, December 25, 2004</p><p>Hermione kept hold of Remus's hand as they walked to the Floo hub, and again when they came out the other side at the Burrow. “Sorry we’re late, got caught up at the hospital,” she said to the pile of Weasleys in the living room. Fleur, Dora, and Andromeda were there, too, all dressed in matching festive sweaters.</p><p>“Hermione, Remus! So glad you could make it.” Molly, ever the gracious hostess, hugged them both. “Didn’t realize you were coming together.”</p><p>Hermione glanced at him and back at Molly. “Um, we’ve sort of been keeping things quiet for a couple of months, but yeah. We’re together.” His heart leapt as she interlaced her fingers more securely with his.</p><p>“How lovely!” Molly said, but her expression was more reserved than usual. “Come on in, I was just getting dinner on the table. We can do another round of gifts after.”</p><p>Dinner went well enough, though Remus didn’t miss the tension in Ron’s voice when he addressed either of them. They mostly caught up on what Charlie and Bill were up to, and George’s latest experiments for the shop. Ron, Dora, and Remus discussed goings-on at the Ministry with Arthur.</p><p>“I heard you signed the papers this week, Hermione,” Arthur said with a warm smile in their direction. If Molly seemed a bit skeptical, he had taken the news of their relationship in stride. “It’s good work you’re doing. Probably going to be a headache setting things up with Gringotts, though. Let me know if I can help.”</p><p>“Thanks, that means a lot to me." She cast a hesitant glance at Remus, summoning her purse and withdrawing a rolled parchment tied with a standard blue Ministry ribbon. “I went in on Tuesday. I meant it to be a surprise.” </p><p>He unfurled and scanned it. It was an official declaration establishing the Remus J. Lupin Werewolf Rights Fund, to be administered by the Being Division of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, with the oversight of an advisory board - one that included him.</p><p>“Min,” he breathed.</p><p>"I hope you don’t mind. I - I decided on the name a long time before we started dating, but I probably should have discussed it with you. And I’m still campaigning to change the stupid Department name and reorganize things, but I got them to at least assign it to the Being Division and not the Beast Division. Honestly, it’s ridiculous - "</p><p>He cupped her cheek, silencing her nervous chatter with a brief, tender kiss. When he broke it, he stroked her cheek with his thumb. “Thank you. You honor me, angel. And I’m proud of you.”</p><p>She beamed at him, blushing prettily, and leaned into his side for a moment. Their little exchange had drawn attention to their end of the table, so she ended up telling everyone else about the programs the Ministry had authorized and passing around the declaration. </p><p>"I'm hoping to get a hearing called on the legislation once the Wolfsbane experiments work out. I'm trying to condense it to fewer doses." At Arthur's questioning look, she said, "Some of the arguments against loosening restrictions center around potion compliance, which is a public health issue, but the Ministry has always treated it as a criminal justice issue, which just feeds the stigma. Taking care of the financial piece helps, but it's still a burden. Cutting it down to a shorter schedule will hopefully sway them in our favor."</p><p>"That's excellent that you've made such progress on the formula," Charlie said. "I know it's a difficult one to handle."</p><p>"It's been a challenge, but I'm working on it."</p><p>It was good that everyone was supportive, but Remus could sense Hermione's relief as their attention gravitated to other topics. When they piled into the living room for tea and dessert, she made his and brought it to him, but set her own tea down when Ron called for her. Shooting Remus an apologetic glance, she followed Ron out onto the porch.</p><p>Ginny and Dora's discussion of home renovations drew his attention, but after several minutes, Ginny nodded at Dominique and Victoire and said, “Someone better grab them so we can start p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s before these two get antsy.”</p><p>“On it." The kids were still playing with the toys they’d opened this morning, but the sight of more wrapped presents under the tree would capture them soon enough.</p><p>He stepped onto the porch, catching Hermione and Ron’s discussion filtering from further in the twilit garden.</p><p>“ - and I know what kind of twisted shit my sister and Tonks are into. I’m sure he’s the same," Ron said harshly.</p><p>“Remus is a good man. God, you’ve known him since we were kids." Hermione's voice was strained and exasperated. “You know the kind of person he is. Why are you acting like this?”</p><p>“Exactly. He’s old enough to be your father, for fuck’s sake. Just because he’s a friend doesn’t mean he’s good for you, Hermione.”</p><p>“My father’s pushing 60, Ron. And I love you, but you don’t get to decide what’s good for me. I get it, okay? You’ve disapproved of every choice I've made since we broke up. We don’t have to rehash this shit again.”</p><p>“So I’m just supposed to be fine with the fact that he’s, what, beating you? That’s abuse, ‘Mione. And probably has you - “</p><p>“Stop. I know the difference between sex and abuse, and my sex life is none of your business,” she said coldly. “I’m happy, Ron. More than I’ve been since before the war. If you can’t be happy for me, then keep your opinions to yourself.” She came around the corner and her eyes widened when she saw Remus.</p><p>“Gin asked me to grab you two for presents,” he said, laying a hand on her arm.</p><p>Ron glared and pushed past them. Hermione relaxed a fraction once he was inside, letting Remus draw her into an embrace. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that.”</p><p>“Shh. I didn’t realize things were so tense with you two.” He held her close and sunk his hand into her hair.</p><p>She rested her head on his chest with a tired sigh. “He’s got strong opinions against anything - anything like what we do, and he knows me and Ginny well enough to make assumptions. I didn’t expect him to take it well. Pisses me off that he's holding it against you, though.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about that, angel. It’s not your problem.”</p><p>“Still, I - I know I’m not good at this part. And it does scare me. But I'm proud to be yours, Remus."</p><p>He tipped her head up so she could see the smile on his face. “I've never thought any different, but it makes me happy to hear that, little one.” As the tension lining her face softened, he brushed a kiss to her forehead. “Are you alright?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” She pressed her lips to his jaw and took his hand. “Let’s go before Gin sends out a search party.”</p><p>She sat close to him on the couch for a bit, then shifted to the floor to help put together a dollhouse for the girls. Once the adults got around to opening theirs, they both ended up with new Weasley sweaters, sweets, and a couple of George’s latest inventions. Finally, Remus swallowed his nerves and withdrew the small rectangular box in his pocket, charming it to its original size.</p><p>“Ooh! Wait, open yours first.”</p><p>She tugged a pristine package wrapped in gold paper from under the tree, ending the Impervius on it before she handed it over, practically vibrating with anticipation. Her excitement was infectious, and he chuckled as he unwrapped the gift, stunned when he saw what was inside. He opened the first edition copy of <em>The Silmarillion</em> reverently, tracing the signature. </p><p>“You were missing that one." She wasn’t as much of a fantasy buff as he was, but his rare book collection thrilled her inner bibliophile. The extravagance of it surprised him, but it made him feel less self-conscious about what he'd gotten her.</p><p>“It’s amazing, Min. Thank you.” She leaned into his touch when he rested his palm against her cheek. “Your turn,” he said, reluctantly withdrawing his hand. He’d gotten so used to touching her - whenever they were together, he often stayed close, even if they were just reading or working on projects. He found comfort and pleasure in it, as she did, but he didn’t want to make things more awkward with everyone else.</p><p>She tore at the paper with the innocent enthusiasm he adored. “Oh, wow,” she murmured as she opened the box, tracing the shape of the white gold twisted into an infinity symbol that cradled the black pearl in each earring. She lifted the matching pearl bracelet from the box, studying the small kitten and wolf charms dangling next to the clasp. </p><p>He could tell she was uncomfortable and unused to receiving such things, but his lesson about second-guessing him must have sunk in, because she simply met his eyes with a shy smile and said, “Thank you. They're perfect.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, angel.” They weren't her actual gift, but they would complement it quite well. “Give me your hand.”</p><p>He clasped the bracelet around her wrist and she gave it a shake, causing the charms to jingle. She got up and perched on the couch to pull him into a tight hug before retreating to show Ginny and Dora. The three of them ended up on the floor again, playing with Fleur and the kids. </p><p>After another cup of tea, though, they said their goodbyes and made their way back to his cottage. Once they were through the Floo and in his library, she breathed a sigh of relief, pressing herself against him and winding her arms around his waist.</p><p>He slid a hand beneath her hair to stroke her nape and her shoulders dropped an inch or two. “Alright if we spend tonight here?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” She nuzzled her cheek to his chest and burrowed deeper into his embrace as his other arm came around her.</p><p>“Did you have a good Christmas, little one?” He couldn’t keep the smile from his voice at her craving for his closeness.</p><p>“Mhm. Thank you, Daddy." She squeezed him. “People-ing is hard. But it was fun.”</p><p>“I’m glad. Not too tired, I hope? It’s been a long day.” It was only just past seven, but she’d been going since earlier than usual that morning, with no pause. When she shook her head, he said, “Good. I still have your real present to give you.”</p><p>She lifted her head with a mischievous glint in her eyes, bouncing for effect as she ran a hand down his chest and palmed his trousers. “Is it what I think it is?"</p><p>“Probably not, knowing that dirty mind of yours." He gave a rumbling laugh, going half-hard against her hand, but he had to Occlude his nerves. “I did promise to give you this, though, didn't I?"</p><p>“Yes, sir,” she said with a broad, impish grin, standing on tiptoe and dragging him into a kiss. </p><p>He claimed her mouth, biting down on her bottom lip and sucking it until she whimpered. “Upstairs with you, kitten. Everything off but your panties and your bracelet. Kneel in front of the couch in the play room.”</p><p>She took off like a golden snitch again, and he pulled his Christmas sweater over his head, kicking off his shoes. When he followed at a more sedate pace, he cast a warming charm on her, rolling up the sleeves of his knit shirt and taking a seat on the couch. </p><p>"Come here. I want to talk to you about something first.” She settled on his lap, resting her head on his shoulder as he combed his fingers through her dark curls. “Are you happy with me, Min?”</p><p>“You know I am, Daddy. More than I can say.”</p><p>“Good.” He felt the tension of the day melt from her small frame under his touch. “You make me so very happy, more than I’ve been in a long time, too. I love how much you love being mine, angel.”</p><p>“I do.” </p><p>“Is there anything you don't like, or that you’d like to change?”</p><p>She shook her head, hesitating a moment before speaking. “No. I just - I miss you when we’re not together.”</p><p>“I know. Me, too.” He rubbed her scalp gently. It was early to talk about moving in together, and that would be too far in the relationship direction for her at the moment, he suspected. But the thought had crossed his mind. “You don’t have to be shy about spending the night with me whenever you want to, though.”</p><p>“I know. Thank you, sir.”</p><p>“Of course, angel. I love having you in my arms as often as possible.” A rush of adoration overwhelmed the shields containing his anxiety. “I have something else for you, but I’ll understand if it’s too much too soon, or if you don’t feel ready.”</p><p>She lifted her head curiously as his hand fell from her hair, and he withdrew the other small box from his pocket, resizing it as well.</p><p>“I’m afraid this is the stage where my eloquence fails me,” he said with a nervous chuckle. “Hermione, I’d be honored if you would wear my collar, but I want you to know what that means to me first. I’m not asking for anymore authority over your life than I have, though I sense that you’re more than happy with my taking control. And I’m in this for the long haul, but this isn’t an attempt to push you into anything. It’s a symbol of the devotion you already show to me, and of my devotion to you.”</p><p>“Yes,” she whispered, blinking back tears. “I - I do love being yours, and this makes me so happy, Remus, you don’t even know. But - “ She broke off, shaking her head.</p><p>“What is it?” </p><p>She bit her lip and looked down. “I’m glad we talked about my parents, but...I feel guilty that I can't talk about - about the other stuff.”</p><p>He nudged her to look at him, waiting until she met his eyes. “Angel, I ask questions sometimes because I want to make sure I’m avoiding your triggers as best I can, but I don't doubt your honesty or sincerity. It's okay that you're not ready to talk about it. I know someone hurt you, and I know I’ll never let it happen again. That’s all I need to know.”</p><p>“Thank you, sir.” She gave him a watery smile, nuzzling into his hand. </p><p>“Thank you, little one,” he murmured, returning her smile as he retrieved the necklace. A slender white gold rope chain suspended a black pearl caged in an infinity symbol, matching the earrings, but diamonds lined the metal of the infinity this time.</p><p>“It’s beautiful.” There was a note of awe in her voice as he clasped it around her neck and spoke a spell to meld the chain, his fingertips grazing the pearl as it nestled against the hollow of her throat.</p><p>“You’re beautiful, Min. And you're mine. You belong to me, and I'll always take care of you."</p><p>She smiled as she rested her forehead against his, suffused with contentment.</p><p>He cuddled her close and drew her into a kiss, waiting for her mewls and the cant of her hips before he wound her hair around his fist and kissed her more roughly. By the time he broke away several minutes later, she was flushed and breathless, her lips swollen and her eyes dark. He could feel her damp heat through her lace and cotton panties as she squirmed on his lap. The sight of her made his breath catch.</p><p>“On your knees, legs apart.”</p><p>The scent of her arousal grew stronger at the stern note in his voice and she slid off his lap, settling between his legs as he spoke a cushioning charm.</p><p>“You were such a good girl for me today, so well-behaved." He petted her cheek, his other hand still gripping her hair, though more lightly for the moment. “Do you know what I give to good little girls?”</p><p>A shiver rippled through her as she looked at him hopefully. “Your cock?”</p><p>“That’s right. If you keep being so good, I’ll even let you take my come, baby girl.” His mouth quirked. “Isn’t that what you asked Father Christmas for?”</p><p>“Yes, Daddy. Please, I want it so badly.” She licked her lips.</p><p>He could tell she wanted to nuzzle his trousers, but she didn’t fight his grip. He didn’t usually come when she gave him blowjobs, preferring to have her in other ways, but she’d begged him more than once for it. "Do you want me to come in your mouth or your pussy, kitten?"</p><p>“I want you to fuck me, and I want to taste you, but I also - um - I want you to come on my face. Please, sir.” </p><p><em>Well, then.</em> The request came out in a whisper as she averted her gaze, and she gave him a shy look when she met his eyes again. He went hard as marble, groaning. “You’re going to kill me with these innocent-yet-depraved confessions of yours. I don’t think there’s blood left anywhere else in my body.”</p><p>“And me being too out of my mind with need to render emergency aid, too.” She grinned, and he loosened his grip enough to let her rub her face against him.</p><p>“I’d die happy, baby girl. But I have a different kind of aid in mind than your usual work.”</p><p>“I never turn down Healing lessons, Daddy.” The fabric muffled her husky voice as she ran her mouth along him, and he could feel the warm moisture of her breath. “And I love all your lessons.”</p><p>“You’re something else.” He gently tugged her hair. "Go on, kitten."</p><p>She freed him from his trousers, and when he let up on his hold, she attacked him with such enthusiasm and adoration that he had to run through another set of Occlumency exercises to keep from blowing right there.</p><p>“Goddamn, little girl, you’d think I hadn’t fed you my cock twice already this week,” he teased as she suckled his balls. </p><p>"I can't help it. You taste so good." She released his sac to whisper the words, still nuzzling him and fluttering her tongue against him. She dragged the flat of her tongue up his length, painting abstract patterns on his shaft as he twitched against her lips. A rapturous expression colored her features as she lapped up the precum collecting at the tip, sucking him into her mouth.</p><p>“Look at you,” he murmured. “I see how deep that blush is, but you’re such a slut for my cock. You can’t help it, can you? I love watching your need overcome your shame, baby girl.” She moaned and tongued him fiercely as she stroked his shaft with her hands, and after several minutes he growled, tightening his grip on her hair again. “Do you want me to fuck your pretty mouth?”</p><p>She answered his question by devouring him so eagerly he had to hold her head fast so she wouldn’t choke herself. He was still wary of hurting or triggering her with deepthroating, so he kept her there and bucked his hips, thrusting into her mouth and tapping her throat each time without going further. Her pleading cries made his balls tighten and his cock throb against her tongue, and the shudder that rippled through her as she squeezed her thighs together told him she was on the verge of coming, though she tensed as she tried to stop herself.</p><p>She was sensitive about coming without permission, so he hadn't forced her to before, but he couldn't resist the temptation to set her up to fail this time. She struggled against his grip for a moment, but he kept fucking her mouth and drinking in the sight of her and the sounds she made as she came. When she stopped trembling, he pulled her off of him, his cock giving a traitorous twitch.</p><p>"Have you been naughty, baby girl?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," she said with an anxious twist of her hands.</p><p>"Shh, angel. I'm not upset with you. Spread your legs and let me see the mess you've made." He let go of her hair, running a tender hand through it as she bared her glistening thighs. "Goodness, those panties are soaked. You'd better get over my lap so I can show you what I do with naughty little girls who can't control themselves."</p><p>Her blush deepened, but she complied, settling over his lap and parting her thighs again.</p><p>He rubbed her through the wet cotton until she whimpered. "Did it feel good, coming while I fucked your mouth?"</p><p>"Y - yes, Daddy. But I didn't mean to break the rules. I'm sorry."</p><p>He watched her struggle to keep from rocking against his hand, feeling the hard nub of her clit as the material molded to her flesh. "It's alright, angel, I know you tried your best. But I know what a needy girl you are, too. You want to come again, don't you?"</p><p>"Yes, please." She leaned into his hand, and he gave her a slap that made her jerk, withdrawing. "Christ."</p><p>"I think you need something else first, though, baby girl. Are you going to ask me for it?" He tugged her panties down to her upper thighs, running his hand over the silky skin of her ass.</p><p>Her voice was quiet as she squirmed on his lap. "Please punish me for coming without permission, sir." </p><p>Caressing her inner thighs, just below her dripping pussy, he said, "Oh, I will. I'm going to enjoy turning this cute ass pink, kitten. If you close your legs or come, though, I'll have to paddle you. Are you going to take your spanking like a good girl?"</p><p>"Yes, Daddy. I promise." </p><p>He smiled as a shiver of anticipation rippled through her. She wouldn't take it as encouragement to be disobedient, which he appreciated, but he liked making her associate discipline with pleasure and the kind of humiliation that aroused her, instead of guilt and fear. He left her panties where they were, but ran his hands above and below them in between spanking her lightly.</p><p>Soon she was quivering, the slight pain heightening the need he continued to cultivate. "Please, Daddy - "</p><p>"What is it, angel? Are you enjoying your punishment? Do you need more?"</p><p>He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was pouting. "You're tormenting me on purpose." She gasped and jerked as he ghosted a fingertip over her slit.</p><p>"Oh, yes, I'm a mean bastard," he said with amusement, spanking her more firmly until her ass turned a deep pink, warm against his hand. She breathed soft cries, trying to keep from grinding her clit on his leg. He ran his hands over her ass and dipped two fingers into the copious wetness between her thighs.</p><p>"You took your punishment so well, baby girl. I'm proud of you. Do you want to come for me?"</p><p>"Yes, please. I need you to fuck me," she pleaded, pressing back to his fingers.</p><p>"I'm going to fuck you later and fill you with my come, kitten, and I promise I'll come on your face another time. But right now I want this pussy empty and needy for my cock." He would have liked to do both, but the fact that he could get it up at all was a miracle of her research and her restorative potions - he often stuck to pleasuring her with his mouth and hands around the full because the aconite sucked the strength out of him. </p><p>Putting his wet fingers to her lips, he said, "There you go. You sound so lovely with your mouth full."</p><p>She sucked his fingers and moaned on them as he stroked her molten center with his other hand, teasing her for a few moments and tapping her clit. She rocked her hips against him, his fingers slipping over her again and again with gentle pressure, aided by her slickness. </p><p>"That's it, don't worry about anything but my hand on you. There's a good girl."</p><p>She shuddered deeply, crying out and flooding his hand. When the waves of her climax subsided, he took his hand from her mouth and helped her to curl up in his lap. She was still a bit shaky as he worked her panties off and tossed them aside, and he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "How are you feeling, angel?"</p><p>"I'm good. Thank you for punishing me and letting me come, Daddy." She gave him a chaste kiss. "That was really hot."</p><p>"I'm glad." He smiled and nipped at her bottom lip. "Do you want to do some rope?"</p><p>"Ooh! Yes, please."</p><p>He chuckled at her eagerness. They'd done it often since that first time he tied her, and he adored how much she loved being bound. "Crawl to the bed and sit in the middle, baby girl."</p><p>She kissed him again before she clambered off his lap, and he watched her go, drinking in the sway of her hips. He stood and zipped his trousers before he followed her. She looked breathtaking, sprawled on the dark red duvet with her mussed hair and flushed, dusky skin, and he summoned a blindfold, perching on the huge bed to cover her eyes and tie it.</p><p>He collected his rope and a couple of other implements, setting them to the side and settling behind her, his legs stretched out on either side of hers as he drew her back against his chest. She cuddled in against him, her head lolling on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around her, running his palms over her torso. </p><p>"Such a pretty girl." He cupped her small breasts in his hands, grazing her nipples. "Do you want to try it with your arms behind your back this time?"</p><p>"Yes, please." She arched to his touch, her thighs parting. </p><p>He normally tied her arms in other ways since this could be a more strenuous position, but it also lent itself to a stronger feeling of helplessness, something that aroused them both. He took one length of rope, stroking her throat with his thumb and then laying the rope against it and letting it fall over her torso, teasing her with it. Taking her arms, he nudged her forward so he could fold them behind her back and loop the rope around her wrists. He knotted it there before winding it over her shoulders and upper back, then below her breasts, creating an intricate series of knots to secure the box tie as he went.</p><p>"How does that feel?" he whispered against her ear, brushing his lips to it and eliciting a shiver.</p><p>"Really good." She pressed back against him, seeking more contact, and he kissed along the side of her neck, biting down softly where it met her shoulder. She gave a pleading moan as he laved the bite with his tongue.</p><p>"On your knees, little one."</p><p>She pulled away from him to obey, sitting back on her heels, and he knelt behind her, weaving in uplines along her back and running them through the carabiners he attached to the bars that lined the bed above. He hoisted her until she rose onto her knees, tying her off there. "Alright, angel?"</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>He nudged her thighs to part as much as they could with the constriction, his fingertips fluttering along her folds. She whimpered and tried to seek more contact, but her tether wouldn't allow her to bear down on his hand. Wrapping his arm around her waist and hugging her close, he said, "This isn't a punishment. I want you to love it. You'll tell me if you don't."</p><p>She nodded, and he took the deer hide flogger from the bed next to her, dragging it over her torso and letting the falls caress her breasts and stomach. It would give the thuddy sensation she loved without much sting or pain, and as he ran his other hand up her inner thigh, he felt her dripping with anticipation.</p><p>"Please, I need it."</p><p>"I can feel that, baby girl. Don't worry, I'm going to give you what you need." He stepped off of the bed, standing alongside her, and cast the first gentle strike across her breasts.</p><p>"Oh!" Her gasp of surprise was accompanied by a shudder. He'd only ever flogged her back and ass, sometimes her thighs. </p><p>"How did that feel?"</p><p>"G - good. Please, Daddy, I want more."</p><p>She was so expressive he didn't need to ask - he could see it in the way her back arched - but he loved hearing her beg. He gave it to her with an irregular pattern of strikes, a bit different from the rhythmic Florentine flogging he normally did. The unpredictable pace and intensity left her breathing curses and pleas as he moved to strike over her hips and the front of her legs.</p><p>"Oh, God." She quivered as the falls struck her mound, grazing the neatly trimmed black hair and sensitive skin between her thighs. He couldn't hit her pussy directly from this angle, but the threat of it would heighten her arousal.</p><p>"Don't worry, baby girl, I'm not going to neglect your pussy." She moaned at the promise as he continued flogging her hips and thighs, then shifted to striking her ass, raising a bit of color in her skin with the intention of tantalizing her rather than inflicting pain. She unconsciously sought more, arching to him, pulling at her bindings. She was trembling with arousal by the time he set the flogger aside and climbed onto the bed to run his hands over her.</p><p>"Fucking hell," she breathed, and he chuckled, rolling her nipples between his fingers until she cursed. "Please, I'm aching so badly, Daddy."</p><p>"I know, kitten. Does your little pussy need a spanking?" He ran his hand through the wetness coating her inner thigh, stopping short of her center. He'd caught onto how much she enjoyed that early on.</p><p>"Yes, please. I'm so wet."</p><p>"I can feel that." He let her lap at his fingers before he carefully lowered her until her torso hovered above the bed, in line with her hips, supported by the suspension rather than her hands. "Spread your legs and show me, baby girl."</p><p>She did, arching her back and exposing herself obscenely, the way he liked. He retrieved the riding crop and stood alongside the bed again, slipping it beneath her to tap at her breasts and nipples and increasing the pressure until she inhaled sharply. He shifted to running it over her back and ass, just teasing her with the kiss of the leather, then tapped her inner thigh before giving her a firm strike.</p><p>"Jesus fuck, Remus."</p><p>"How does that feel?" he asked, stroking the reddened spot with the leather. They had a stingy quality, but there were some advantages to them - especially when it came to precision.</p><p>"Good. Kind of like your hands, but - but different. I need you to fuck me, though. Please, Daddy."</p><p>"Do you, little slut? I don't think you've had enough yet."</p><p>She gasped as he struck her other thigh, continuing the pattern and letting her absorb each one, varying the strength and never hitting her too hard. By the time he made his way to her center, the spreading warmth and the rush of endorphins left her writhing and tearful with need.</p><p>He knelt on the bed behind her, dragging the crop along the sensitized skin of her inner thighs and over her ass, then letting it drift along her pussy as she rocked her hips. When he pressed it there, she rubbed against the leather fold at its tip, moaning. </p><p>"There's my kitten in heat," he murmured. "Don't you dare close your legs." </p><p>She whimpered when he tapped her folds a few times with the crop, lightly at first, eliciting more soft cries and whimpers as he increased the intensity. It was more from the ache of her arousal than from pain, he knew, though he could tell she started to feel the bite after a couple of minutes as her flesh pinked up from the cumulative impact. When he struck her thighs firmly again, her toes curled and her breath hitched in the way that told him her tears were spilling over from need. She cried out as he gently spanked her swollen clit.</p><p>"That's my good girl, come for me." He spanked her there until her orgasm overtook her, then let her rub herself on the leather again, the sight of her grinding against it and dripping on the bed as she rode out her climax making him hard as granite. He set it aside, pulling her to sit up with her back against his chest and wrapping his hand around her throat. "Who do you belong to, Min?"</p><p>"I'm yours, Daddy." His throat constricted at the sweetness of her words. It came out a whisper, her voice rough with emotion, and he could tell she was floating.</p><p>He stroked her throat as she shivered, then slowly worked her free of her bindings, running his hands over her and unwinding the rope from her upper body. He checked her wrists when he untied them, and as she stretched her arms, he trailed his fingertips over her tender breasts and thighs.</p><p>"Please, I need you." She leaned back against him as he wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her shoulder.</p><p>"Is that right? Do you need me to fill your tight little pussy?" He ran his mouth along the shell of her ear.</p><p>She nodded, whimpering at the loss of him when he moved away. </p><p>"Just a minute, kitten." He divested himself of his clothing and arranged a pillow for her. "Up on your knees."</p><p>She complied and he guided her to rest her head on the pillow, settling behind her again and letting his hard, weeping cock slip through her folds. When the warmth of it met her scorching pussy, she shuddered, hypersensitive from the preparation of the crop.</p><p>He was still careful about fucking her this way, but he could tell she loved the intensity of it. As she whispered more pleas, he slid inside of her, curling his hand around her hip.</p><p>"There's a good girl, just relax." He groaned at the way she enveloped his cock, leaning forward to smooth her hair back from her face. "I've got you, angel. You're safe."</p><p>She nodded and exhaled a shaky breath. As he seated himself fully, her walls quivered around him. He stayed like that for several moments, letting her adjust to the stretch and fullness, and when he began to thrust, she gave a strangled moan, rocking back to him.</p><p>"That's it. You feel so fucking good, Min." He growled and ran his nails lightly down her back and over her hips, reaching around to caress her thighs and circle her clit.</p><p>As he thrust more powerfully, her tears spilled over again and her moans turned to soft cries. He could feel her pleasure building in the way she trembled and clenched around him, and as his cock throbbed against her tightening walls, he ran his fingers over her clit. "Come for Daddy, baby girl."</p><p>She screamed and clamped down on him as her orgasm ripped through her, drenching his cock and dragging his own forth with a shout. The feeling was so all-consuming that he lost his bearings, and it took him a couple of minutes to recover. When he did, he pulled out of her slowly, shifting to lie on the bed and removing her blindfold as he took her into his arms and covered her with a blanket. His breathlessness and the staccato of his heart took a few more minutes to regulate, attuning with hers. She fisted her small hands against his chest, burying her face in his neck while he stroked her hair.</p><p>She didn’t lift her head again for nearly a quarter of an hour, and when she did, he brushed the tears from her cheeks. He saw how much the day and their play had taken out of her, but he also saw his own awe and adoration reflected back to him. And the love he felt for her - that colored the intimacy of their shared gaze, too, even if she wasn’t ready to hear it. He rested his forehead against hers, cupping her cheek. "You're a miracle, Min."</p><p>She smiled. “I’m so grateful for you. Are you okay?"</p><p>Her joy was infectious, though he could sense her concern, and he pressed his lips to her temple. "Mm. Don't worry, my exhaustion's mostly down to how goddamn amazing you are in bed. Although maybe Morgan was right when she teased me about being geriatric.”</p><p>“Did she really say that? Don't take it personally, she thinks everyone over 25 is geriatric, next year she’ll be giving me a walker.” She dropped kisses over his sweat-dampened skin, running her fingers through the hair at his nape. “Gotta be honest, though, the rugged silver fox look gets me hot. You’re also breathtakingly attractive, and the sweetest man I’ve ever met, and you definitely win out in the creatively filthy mind category.”</p><p>Apparently it was his turn to blush. “Well, thank Merlin for adorable little vixens with a thing for dirty old werewolves.” He tickled her until she giggled breathlessly. “Do you think you can manage a trip to the bathroom and some water before bed? Would you like a salve?”</p><p>She shook her head. "I like the way it feels. And I can, but would - would you carry me? Please, Daddy?”</p><p>“Of course, baby girl.” </p><p>He made sure she took care of her ablutions and took a potion for the soreness, gathering her up once she was ready for bed and carrying her to his room. She curled up in his arms, clinging to him, and he wished her goodnight. Sleep took her before she could respond. He watched her for a while, treasuring the way her face softened in relaxation and the warmth and weight of her in his arms.</p>
<hr/><p>The sound of Hermione’s on call alarm rang, blue and red light breaking the darkness of the moonlit bedroom. Remus had seen the charmed ball she kept in her purse when she'd been called in once before, but she was supposed to be off tonight. She’d been on call earlier in the week, and she had to head in later that day for the full.</p><p>“Wake up, little one,” he said, sitting up and shaking her gently. She still looked so peaceful. She’d been like a dream earlier, giving herself over to him, but it wiped her out - left to her own devices, she probably would have slept past ten. It took him a couple of tries before she finally stirred, as the whirring of the alarm turned shrill.</p><p>“The hell,” she muttered, popping up and rubbing her eyes as she reached for her phone. She cuddled in against his side and summoned the alarm to her, silencing it with a spell and hitting speed dial with her other hand. </p><p>“Christ, Theo, it’s 4am. It’s bloody Christmas. Did a herd of hippogriffs trample London? I swear, if the guys in emerge got sloshed again - “ Whatever the other Healer said shut her up, and she stiffened. “Fuck. Give me five minutes.”</p><p>He rested a hand between her shoulder blades. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“He wouldn’t say. Something on the ward.” The sharp edge of anxiety strained her voice. “It’s probably just another stomach flu going around, or an allergic reaction to the ‘Bane, we've had to deal with that once or twice.” </p><p>She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than him, but she just pecked his cheek before getting up to dig in her bag for a clean blouse and underwear. This was a Hermione he rarely saw since he'd reined her in, one he worried about - the ruthlessly dedicated woman who could pull absurd hours no matter the cost to her well-being, then go home and do research instead of sleep.</p><p>She tugged on yesterday's jeans and threw her dark green robes on top, and when she was done getting dressed, she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Don’t wait up for me, please. I don’t know how long I’ll be. If I’m not back before tonight, your potions are on the kitchen counter.”</p><p>“Thank you. Don’t worry about me, angel.” His lips grazed her knuckles in a tender kiss. “Be safe.”</p><p>“I will, sir.” She favored him with an apologetic half-smile before she turned to go, and he heard her urgent footsteps on the stairs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. don't cover up your scars for me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Spoilery content warnings in end notes. Lyrics in the chapter are from Outgrown by Dermot Kennedy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I can see it in your eyes, love</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And your secret is not safe from me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You can spin through the night with your powdered mind</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But don't cover up your scars for me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And every single choice that you made</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Was a stone in the path to this place</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And every single cut that you claim</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Has led you this way, so lay your head on me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Don't be afraid, love</em>
</p><p>Marcus Mumford ft. Major Lazer, "Lay Your Head on Me"</p><p>Sunday, December 26, 2004</p><p>The chime of the Floo dragged Remus’s attention from the Sunday Prophet around eight. He’d managed only another hour of sleep after Hermione left for the hospital, but he’d end up napping later. The worst of the exhaustion and pain surrounding the transformation would set in soon enough, though blunted by her remedies.</p><p>When he made it to the library, she was setting her guitar case and purse next to one of the armchairs that sat in front of the stone fireplace. She dropped her work robes on top of them, kicking off her shoes. Her scent was all wrong, and when she looked up at him she swallowed hard, more than once.</p><p>“What is it?” he asked, crossing the room in a few strides.</p><p>“Do - “ She took a breath, wrapping her arms tightly around herself like her composure hung by a thread, her nails digging into her skin. “Do you remember when I asked you to be harsh with me before? I - I need that, please.”</p><p>That time it had been motivated by guilt, but now her ashen complexion and the way she held herself suggested she hoped that the pain would keep her together. “No, Min. I won’t hurt you. Tell me what happened.”</p><p>“Please.” Her desolate voice shook, and when he refused again, the rest of her started to shake, too.</p><p>“Shh, angel.” He took her hands and pulled them from her body before she could hurt herself, sitting in the chair and guiding her into his lap. She drew her knees up and curled into a ball, dissolving into harsh sobs that wracked her small frame.</p><p>He murmured to her, rubbing her back and cradling her against him. He worried she would make herself sick - and found himself again debating whether to fight her on taking a calming draught - but to his relief she cried herself out first, falling into a restless sleep. He cleaned her and dried himself with spells.</p><p>She stirred after maybe fifteen minutes, one of her hands fisting in his shirt as she buried her face in his neck. It was an echo of how she’d clung to him last night, but she wasn’t floating this time. </p><p>After a couple of minutes, she drew back just enough to breathe. “Zain k - killed himself,” she managed before the tears overtook her again, less violently than before.</p><p>"Oh, angel." </p><p>She pressed her hands to her face, taking a few deep breaths, then balled them against his chest. “They found him on 3:45 rounds. He hanged himself not long before, but he - he broke his neck. There wasn’t anything they could do."</p><p>"I'm so sorry, Min." His heart broke for her and the sweet kid he'd only gotten to know the day before.</p><p>"He left a note. It just s - said that he was sorry, and that he’d had a good day, and he wanted his last memory to be something good. There aren’t any Muslim Healers on staff, and his parents aren’t - they aren’t taking it well. I stayed to talk to the Aurors and arrange things."</p><p>“What needs to be done?” </p><p>"His brother’s going to the wizarding mosque today to make sure he’s washed and shrouded. I don’t know him, but we talked on the phone. We decided on tomorrow for the burial - it should be done as soon as possible, but with the full tonight - " She shook her head. Remus was glad for the delay; she'd slept only four or five hours before she got called in, and this time of month was hard enough on her already. "Suicide is a sin, but he can still be buried properly, at least. He was religious - not strict like his parents, but it would have mattered to him.” </p><p>“That's good. I’m glad he had you.”</p><p>"Um, they’re bringing in more support, Mind Healers who work with kids. And - and I want to do a memorial service at the hospital on Wednesday. His family won’t come, but it would be good for the other patients. Morgan's not taking it well."</p><p>"I know you want to be there for them, but I want you to take this week off after tonight," he said, running a tender hand through her curls. "You can go for the memorial, but you’re not working." </p><p>“Yes, sir.” He could tell how adrift she felt by how she didn’t hesitate. She was always obedient, but she would usually voice concern about cutting back her work hours, even if she didn’t fight him on it. “Will - will you come with me? Not tonight, but tomorrow, I mean, and Wednesday?”</p><p>"Of course, baby girl. And you’ll stay here, unless you want me to come to yours. I don’t want you to be alone."</p><p>She lifted her head with a frown. "You don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay, Daddy."</p><p>"I know you will, but it's okay to be sad, little one." He ran his knuckles along her cheek. "It’s hard enough to let you go on a good week, let alone when you’re hurting. I want you with me.”</p><p>She nodded again and looked down. “I should have insisted they put up the extra wards on his room yesterday.”</p><p>“You couldn’t have known, angel. Don’t take on that guilt, you’ve got enough to carry.” He knew she couldn’t help it - hell, he’d had his own taste of it with Sirius’s death and the others they'd lost in the war, and she still carried some of her survivor's guilt for Harry, though neither had been a suicide. But he'd remind her as often as he had to, and he hoped over time it would sink in.</p><p>She didn't respond to that, just wound her arms around his neck to hug him. "Thank you for - for being here and taking care of me."</p><p>He kissed her temple and held her close. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."</p><hr/><p>Remus woke alone on the couch in his living room. A Temporus spell told him it was over an hour before they had to leave for the funeral. Hermione had slept restlessly the day before, and she looked weary and haunted when she returned from the hospital that morning. He remembered her Transfiguring the couch and lying down with him like she usually did after the full, but he wasn't sure when she'd gotten up. He stretched and pulled on the t-shirt she left on the coffee table, straightening his pajama trousers before he wandered in search of her.</p><p>The low sound of her voice found him when he reached the doorway of the library. This was the spot she loved most in his house; her own living room had shelves covering one wall, but she'd lit up the first time she saw the whole room of books. She sat in his favorite leather armchair, already dressed in an embroidered white tunic and trousers, with a loose scarf barely containing her riotous black curls. </p><p>She paused and looked up, marking the small, ornate volume she held with her finger. "You should be resting, Daddy."</p><p>"So should you." He walked over and laid his palm against her cheek, pressing a kiss to her forehead before taking a seat on the small couch opposite her.</p><p>"I slept for a bit." </p><p>'A bit' couldn't have been more than a few hours, given when she'd gotten home. "I didn't mean to interrupt you."</p><p>"I was just - um, my mum taught me to recite Qur'an when I was little. Zain was a hafiz, though - he'd memorized the whole thing, he used make me recite just to tease me about my mistakes. I'd pray with him sometimes, so he wouldn't have to do it alone. It's silly," she said with a sheepish smile.</p><p>"It's not silly. Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean you can't find comfort in it, little one."</p><p>"I was reciting for him, since - " She looked up at the ceiling for a moment and inhaled sharply, like she was trying to keep from crying. "Since I'm not sure if anyone else will. His dad probably won't even come today."</p><p>"Do you mind if I listen?"</p><p>She hesitated for a moment, but nodded and opened to the page she'd been reading, beginning again. Instead of her clipped, spoken Urdu, she recited the Arabic in an almost musical way, the vowels elongated and the words inflected with a rich timbre. He'd never heard her sing before Christmas, but if she sounded lovely then, she was breathtaking now, despite the way her voice sometimes halted and cracked with emotion. Though he couldn't understand the words, it stirred something in him. </p><p>He was barely familiar with Islam beyond what little he'd learned from her, and she rarely spoke about her mother's faith or her experiences growing up around her father's Anglican church. He knew she was conversant with both and sensitive to others' beliefs, so he got the sense that her reticence had less to do with her atheism than with the fact that she coped with the loss of her parents by avoiding subjects related to them altogether. Even her apartment was barren; the only personal touches outside of a couple of unique pieces of furniture were her mother's spice rack and her books. </p><p>In a way, it was as if her relationship with Zain had given her back some tenuous connection to their memory. He hoped she wouldn't bury that the way she did everything else.</p><p>He tried to imagine refusing to attend his own child's funeral. It didn't make sense to him, but then neither did abandoning a child for the 'crime' of being bitten before they were old enough to start Hogwarts.  His relationship with his parents had been imperfect, and he didn't deal with his grief until long after they died, but they gave him the best life they could despite the hardship of having a werewolf for a son. </p><p>Hermione's work was important, he knew from enduring his own share of hell due to the stigma and restrictions. And he was aware of the societal conditions that had led many werewolves to support Voldemort - had witnessed it firsthand as a spy, even. The people he'd run into had endured childhoods like Zain's or grown up outside of society altogether, but it was too traumatic and personal for many to talk about, outside of venting their rage. Visiting the hospital with her brought the harsher realities home in ways he hadn't thought about since the war.</p><p>"Thank you for letting me listen, angel," he said when she finished and closed the book. "Is there anything in particular I should wear?"</p><p>"White's traditional, but dark colors are fine, too. Maybe your gray suit. Do you want me to get it?"</p><p>"It's alright, I can manage the stairs."</p><p>She went up with him and sat on the couch in his room as he showered and dressed, as uncharacteristically subdued as she'd been the day before - from exhaustion as much as grief, he expected.</p><p>The mosque was connected to the Floo, and she introduced him to the imam when they arrived. The two of them had a tense exchange in Urdu that left her frowning. He led them to a stone courtyard on the side of the building, where a few men waited with a woman who must have been Zain's mother. Sunlight dappled the flagstones and the warming charms were just strong enough to hold the worst of the winter chill at bay. Remus stood to the side as Hermione joined the rest of them, removing her shoes and lining up to pray in front of Zain's shrouded body.</p><p>It was a short and mostly silent affair, with a few phrases said aloud. He saw Hermione whisper the rest. When they were done, the men picked up Zain's body and made their way into the small cemetery with the imam while she stayed behind to talk with his mother, her shoulders tight and her face drawn.</p><p>Remus could feel the fury pouring off of her as they returned to the cottage, but she said nothing when he insisted she come upstairs and lie down with him. </p><p>"What is it?" he asked, tugging her into his arms once she changed and slid beneath the covers.</p><p>She tucked her head against his chest, her voice taut. "There should have been more people. Even if his family didn't want to come, more people from the community are supposed to. And there's no rule barring women from the burial, but God forbid we scandalize the uncles."</p><p>"Do you think they didn't come because of how he died?" Remus recalled his mother talking about the taboo on suicide in her own family - she'd had a cousin who couldn't be given a Catholic burial because of it, before the Church relaxed their rules.</p><p>"No. I mean, that may have been part of it, but I saw this when I worked at St. Anthony's, too. The families of werewolf patients - " Her jaw clenched for a moment before she continued, and he sank a hand into her curls. "They mourned him when he was bitten. His death's a formality."</p><p><em>Oh.</em> Remus felt nauseated. He'd seen other werewolves die during the war, but this was different. "That's - "</p><p>"Fucking awful, yeah. And you'd think it'd be harder for them to write off the kids, but at least some of the adult patients have significant relationships from after they were bitten - friends, lovers, kids of their own." She lifted her head, her eyes widening. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't - "</p><p>"Shh, angel. You're not going to offend my delicate sensibilities."</p><p>She dropped her head with a heavy sigh. "Still, it's selfish of me. I'm sure it can't be easy to listen to my depressing werewolf talk all the time. On top of having to deal with all the shit that goes along with actually being a werewolf."</p><p>He gave a short laugh. "Min, you're the least selfish person I know, and you've given me more hope for acceptance for my kind than I've had since I was old enough to know what it meant to be one. It hit me earlier how lucky I've had it."</p><p>"You've gone through a lot, Remus. And that angers me just as much as what my patients go through."</p><p>"I have, and I've never questioned how much you care, angel. But I've also had parents and friends who were there for me, and an education, and I haven't had to worry about work or housing since the war. And the Order of Merlin can't erase the stigma, but it shuts people up. I don't dwell on how bad things are the way that I used to. Maybe I should."</p><p>"Or maybe you should get to enjoy a bit of normalcy after risking your life to save a world that could stand to be more grateful."</p><p>"Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know." He tugged her hair gently. "I can want to support your work and listen to you talk about it, and also enjoy the life I have now - one that's much better with you in it, by the way."</p><p>"'Kay." She tilted her head to press her lips to his jaw, running a hand through his beard. "Promise you'll tell me if you need a break from radio 'fuck wizarding society's bullshit,' though? Because I can probably hold a conversation on other things. Besides House-elf discrimination and how much I hate the Prophet."</p><p>He snorted and tipped her head up to kiss her properly. "You're an excellent conversationalist, baby girl. And I know a number of pleasant ways to render you unable to string a sentence together, should I have the need."</p><p>"You do have a knack for that," she agreed, nuzzling her nose to his and pulling away as a yawn overtook her.</p><p>"We all have our skillsets," he teased. "Now, are you going to behave and get some sleep, or should I demonstrate my methods for exhausting you?"</p><p>"No sir. I'll be good." She blushed and rested her head on his chest again. "Sleep well."</p><p>"Sweet dreams, angel." He watched over her until he felt her relax and heard her breathing slow, then let his own weariness take him.</p><hr/><p>Tuesday and Wednesday morning, Remus had the uncomfortable experience of waking alone again. With no small amount of concern, he got out of bed around 6:30 on Wednesday and padded downstairs to find Hermione sitting on the living room sofa with her feet propped on the coffee table. It was still dark out, but the lamplight gave her a halo, and she clutched a pen between her teeth as she pondered a notebook in her lap. She'd spent much of Tuesday working on a song for the memorial service, so she was either finishing that up or puzzling over some problem related to the Wolfsbane.</p><p>She'd been having more bad dreams than the occasional ones he'd become used to - every time she'd slept since Sunday, whether during the day or at night. He thought she'd fallen back to sleep after she woke sobbing in his arms a few hours before, but the lines of her face and the empty coffee mug on the table suggested that wasn't the case. </p><p>"Morning," she said when she looked up, stretching and setting her notebook down before wandering over to hug him.</p><p>He wrapped her in his arms. "Morning, baby girl. How long have you been up?"</p><p>"A while." She wore a guilty look as he drew back, but he only caught a glimpse before she led the way into the kitchen, taking tea and honey from the cabinet and tapping the kettle with her wand.</p><p>"Have you eaten?" At the shake of her head, he grabbed some things from the refrigerator. He took a break from cracking eggs a few minutes later to sip the tea she made him.</p><p>"You don't have to worry about me," she said as he picked her up and set her on the counter. "Really."</p><p>"I didn't say anything." He took her face in his hands and brushed his lips against her forehead before meeting her eyes. <em>Yep, definitely guilty.</em></p><p>"But you're thinking it," she said, scrunching her nose at him. "I won't break, Daddy."</p><p>What was it she'd said? <em>I like that you don't treat me like I'm made of glass, like I'm a victim. </em></p><p>He stood between her legs, resting his palms on the top of her cotton-clad thighs. He hated seeing her like this - not only because she was tired and in pain, but because, as she had in the beginning, she insisted on trying to carry it alone. Smoothing her hair back from her face, he studied her and waited for her to meet his eyes before he spoke.</p><p>"I know how strong you are, Min, but it's not your job to be the strong one anymore. Especially not right now." He cupped her cheek, stroking her with his thumb. "It's okay to not be okay. It doesn't mean you're weak. Or broken."</p><p>She let out a sigh, nodding, though she didn't seem convinced.</p><p>"Will you talk to me about them?"</p><p>She looked down and took a breath. "It's not a big deal, it's just - losing him, it stirred up some old stuff. It'll settle."</p><p>"It usually does, but talking can help."</p><p>She shook her head. "Thank you, though."</p><p>There was only one subject he knew her to be so reticent about, and he wondered what about Zain's death had brought it up. As much as her silence concerned him, he didn't want to make her feel unsafe, and he wouldn't risk having her shut down even more by pushing. "Will you talk to Sabine?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm calling her tomorrow." She looked up and covered his hand where it rested on her leg, squeezing it.</p><p>"Good girl," he murmured, squeezing back and tucking a few curls behind her ear.</p><p>The lines of her face softened at the praise. He realized with surprise that he couldn't remember saying it in the last few days. He'd relaxed a bit because of the stress she was under, but the way she looked at him brought home the reality of how much she needed their dynamic, even - maybe especially - outside of sex.</p><p>The sight of her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth pulled him from his thoughts. He traced it until she released it.</p><p>"I'm sorry for worrying you."</p><p>"Shh, angel. No apologies," he said sternly. "No more coffee today, either. You're taking a nap when we get home from the hospital." He slid a finger under her chin, drawing her into a tender kiss. </p><p>She pouted against his mouth and he kissed it away. "You're mean," she said, but warmth bloomed in his chest when she gave him a genuine smile.</p><hr/><p>The mood at the hospital was as bleak as Remus expected. They arrived early and Morgan helped them set up decorations in the courtyard attached to the ward. The afternoon sun shone, and Remus set warming charms as Hermione organized chairs on the grass near the barren flower beds, a little away from the basketball hoop they used for recreation.</p><p>All of the residents who weren't on holiday leave came; a few had returned since Saturday. Several staff members were there, too, including Moira, whose severity was tinged with sadness. Remus didn't know any of the others, but he was surprised to see Theodore Nott, and realized he must have been who Hermione spoke to on the phone.</p><p>"How does it look?" she asked him as she set pictures of Zain on a table next to some flowers and a few chairs at the front.</p><p>"Lovely."</p><p>"He would have liked this," Nott said as he came alongside them. "Professor Lupin. It's been a long time."</p><p>Since the post-war trials that had sent his father back to Azkaban and freed him. Hermione had spoken in Nott's defense, as well as Draco Malfoy's and a few of the other Slytherin students. Remus saw Draco pretty regularly, but he hadn't followed much news of the others.</p><p>Hermione's lips twitched. "He hates being called that."</p><p>"It was one bloody year, Min," Remus reminded her.</p><p>"I mean, you're still teaching people - "</p><p>"Nope, I'm on vacation, woman. You're not reminding me about the problem children - that is, incoming Aurors," he added for Nott's benefit. "I'm at the Ministry these days, and it's just Remus. Good to see you again. How long have you been working here?"</p><p>"Then you should call me Theo. I sat my N.E.W.T.S. the summer after the war, went straight into my apprenticeship and stuck around after."</p><p>"And worked his way up to unofficial keeper of the emergency wing," Hermione added. "Seriously, that part of the building would crumble to dust if it weren't for you."</p><p>"It's a damn sight easier than running this part of the building. I'm so sorry about Zain, Hermione."</p><p>She offered Theo a small smile, and he returned it. "Thanks. I've always appreciated that you're one of the few who don't look down on shifts here. Or on any of the patients."</p><p>Remus left her to the front with Morgan. They kept one chair empty, in Zain's memory. As he didn't really know any of the others, he ended up sitting next to Theo in the back.</p><p>"I didn't know she was seeing anyone. Explains the change in her hours," Theo said quietly, as the patients started sharing stories of some of their happier memories with Zain.</p><p>"It's a recent thing."</p><p>"Well, I'm glad. She could use a break. Not that I don't mind the extra pair of hands on the wing - if this place didn't need her so bad, I'd try to drag her over full time, she's got a good hand with the more...difficult cases."</p><p>Theo's friendliness towards her endeared him to Remus. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"Psych cases and addicts, mostly. I mean, she's good at everything she does because she's Hermione bloody Granger, of course," Theo said wryly. "But she'd have made an excellent Mind Healer if she weren't so hell-bent on the reforms. She's better than half the fully qualified ones we've got. Not - not that I begrudge her the reforms or anything, it's good work. And this place needed someone to breathe some life into it."</p><p>He added that last bit with a slightly guilty glance in Remus's direction, which prompted a chuckle. "I'm not offended. Hell, I didn't even know she worked in this field until we started dating. We drifted apart for a few years."</p><p>"Well, I'm happy for her, and for you."</p><p>"Thanks. I'm glad to see things are working out for you, too."</p><p>Theo's observation about Hermione's work in the emergency wing niggled at the back of Remus's mind and stoked his curiosity, a puzzle piece that bumped up against what he knew of her past traumas and her issues with alcohol in the months following the war without giving him a full picture. She didn't talk about her shifts in the wing, other than remarking on some of the more stressful medical cases she ran into.</p><p>The sound of Hermione's guitar drew his attention as the recollections of people's memories with Zain wound down. She played a slow, quiet accompaniment to Morgan's singing at first, then took over herself.</p><p>"So, the arguments between Zain and I over how much rap to include in our music classes were very well-known," she said with a quirk of her lips, drawing some laughter from the patients. She blinked back tears as she continued. "Anyway, I - I'd told him I'd help him arrange music for whatever he wanted if he wrote it, and we were supposed to work on it this week. The lyrics he left were incomplete, so I've had to finish it myself, and I won't be rapping it - sorry, beta," she added with a quick glance skyward. "But hopefully it's close enough to what he had in mind."</p><p>She played the first few notes before her haunting voice took over. The lyrics were poetic and melancholy, a contrast to the upbeat melody.</p><p>
  <em>So we'll call it all believing in the art</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It's evidence and remnants of a spark</em>
  <br/>
  <em>A strong belief there'll be a better part when the hoping ends</em>
  <br/>
  <em>All these memories get written in the scars</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Now every dream is left among the stars</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Force that dreaded raven to depart when the snow begins</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So I try to chase those days and never catch them</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'll try to walk the other way and learn detachment</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Raise the eyes you saved for me and all the laughter you used to hold me in</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'll just let go of love that others dream to capture</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'll never know another feeling like your rapture</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm gonna go, I gotta be here in your absence, now this poem has ended</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'll be all-out lonely if you all outgrow me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>To know with all of this potential should have raised up, but I never did</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Scared the stars won't show me if you all outgrow me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I know every road I run down has a sundown, that's the way it is</em>
</p><p>Silent tears ran down her cheeks as she finished, and she brushed them away, setting her guitar against the table and hugging Morgan. They wrapped up soon after and he and Theo assisted with cleanup, along with a few of the patients.</p><p>She was quiet when they got home, and he could tell she was exhausted after her broken sleep and the stress of the last few days. He led her upstairs to the master bath and started the shower, undressing himself as she tugged her skirt and blouse off. He divested her of her panties, holding her close as he washed her and massaged her shoulders and neck.</p><p>He caught the scent of her arousal and the quiet sound of the whimpers she suppressed when his hands traveled over her body. It wasn't a surprise; he hadn't tried to evoke it, but she often got aroused when he bathed her. But as he slipped a hand between her legs and caressed her thighs, she pulled away.</p><p>"Angel, it's okay - "</p><p>"I - I don't want to." She turned to face him, guilt and discomfort plainly written on her features, though she didn't meet his eyes. </p><p>There were a wide range of sexual responses to grief. Though he wouldn't have been upset by any of them, he'd doubted hers would be a loss of desire for it. But to find her wanting his touch and shutting down out of guilt didn't surprise him in the least. She was too dead on her feet for that conversation, though.</p><p>"Alright." He kissed the top of her head and helped her out of the shower. Once he toweled her dry, he carried her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed, handing her one of his t-shirts and a pair of panties from the drawer he'd set aside for her weeks before.</p><p>"Thank you," she said as she got dressed. The absence of the honorifics she usually tacked onto the end of that sentence told him she was punishing herself again - whether for her arousal or for something else, he wasn't sure.</p><p>"You're welcome, baby girl." </p><p>He dressed and started to slide beneath the covers, but she laid a hand on his arm. "It's early, you don't need to stay. I'm just going to crash."</p><p>"Are you sure? I'll stay until you fall asleep, at least."</p><p>"No, I'm okay." She gave him a tight, unconvincing smile.</p><p>He hesitated, then hugged her close and said, "If you insist. Just yell if you need me, angel. Sweet dreams."</p><p>She hugged him back and laid down, rolling onto her side, away from him. He rested an uneasy hand on her shoulder before he got up and left the room, pulling the door to but not closing it. He was near the top of the stairs when he paused long enough for his lycanthropic hearing to catch the faint sound of her sobs. <em>Dammit.</em></p><p>Her shoulders were trembling, but as she heard him enter the room again she stiffened and took deep, heaving breaths, trying to control her quiet tears. "I - "</p><p>"Shh." He sat on the bed and reached for her. </p><p>She rolled over and sat up, looking down at her lap. "I want to be alone."</p><p>"That's not what you need." He started to draw her into his arms and she pressed her hands against his chest. The pain on her face made his heart ache, but the way she sometimes tied herself in knots to keep him at a distance frustrated the hell out of him. He knew it hurt her to push him away. He couldn't understand why she seemed so desperate to, no matter how much he reassured her he wouldn't pry.</p><p>"Please go away. Just - just - " Her voice shook and she clenched her jaw like she was trying - and failing - to claw her way back to composure.</p><p>"No. I ought to blister your ass for what you just did, but that's not what you need right now, either," he said, and though the words were stern, his voice was gentle as he tightened his arm around her. "You're a terrible liar, Min. Don't think I don't know you tried to hold it together until I couldn't hear you."</p><p>Her own frustration came through loud and clear, and he wrapped both of his arms securely around her while she struggled and pushed more firmly at his chest. "I want - " </p><p>"Your objection's been noted, baby girl. I won't force you to talk to me, but you're not going through any of this by yourself. The sooner you stop fighting me, the easier it'll be."</p><p>After a few moments, the breath left her body in a sob and she crumpled, her hands fisting in his shirt. </p><p>"There's a good girl. Let it out. You're safe, I've got you." He cradled her head against his chest and stroked her hair as she cried openly, wishing he could do more to salve her broken heart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Content warning for mention of death/suicide of a child, funeral, grief. Also, I tend to use more outdated language for psychiatric/substance use issues in this story (e.g. addict, head case) because the wizarding society I want to paint is backwards when it comes to this stuff, and Hermione's self-talk is pretty scathing at times (she has more empathy for other people's issues than her own). However, when it comes to RL, fuck stigmatizing language (and stigma in general), yay harm reduction.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. we hold black holes inside</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to everyone who has loved on this fic with your comments, subscriptions, bookmarks, and kudos! When I first started writing it, I didn't intend to post it because I figured I'd be the only one who would want to read something like this, or that there would be backlash. But you guys have turned it into my most popular fic. I'm so grateful for your support and glad you're enjoying it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>I've always been told we hold black holes inside</em><br/>
<em>They know from the start that every star must die</em><br/>
<em>It seems too convenient to lose track of time</em><br/>
<em>Now that you're gone, will my orbit unwind?</em><br/>
<em>What northern wind blew us into the street?</em><br/>
<em>And what fatal one will we all someday meet?</em><br/>
<em>Swept into a palace with no sign of a king</em><br/>
<em>No court for us jesters, but we like to</em><br/>
<em>Sing of the moon as it sometimes gets shy</em><br/>
<em>Running from lovers through starry-eyed skies</em><br/>
<em>Morning comes quick, bringing tragic goodbyes</em><br/>
<em>But nothing ever really does, right?</em>
</p><p>The Collection, "Sing of the Moon"</p><p>Thursday, December 30, 2004</p><p>As Hermione surfaced from sleep, it took a moment to realize that for the first time in four days, she hadn't been woken by a nightmare.</p><p>She flicked on the bedside lamp and checked her watch. Remus would be downstairs reading the paper. She'd cried herself to sleep in his arms after the memorial service, and when she woke sobbing the first time, he was there. He calmed her and brought food, making her eat before she fell back to sleep. He was still there when she woke in the middle of the night. </p><p>She loved staying with him. And admitting to herself - quietly, in the back of her mind - that she loved him had grown less terrifying in the weeks since she nearly blurted it out that morning after he learned about her parents. Any other time she would jump at the chance to spend a whole week together. And though some submissives would have found his overprotective, coddling nature stifling, it was normally one of the things she enjoyed most about their dynamic. But her nightmares had her itching to escape his scrutiny.</p><p>This week, it was the same one every fucking time. She relived the traumatic memory so thoroughly that she struggled to remember where and when she was each time she woke, the suffocating weight of her past self's despair clinging to her skin in a way her dissociation had protected her from back then.</p><p>It was stupid, because it was far from the only time she came close to dying that year with Brian, but her subconscious apparently didn't get the message. Its insistence on making Zain's death all about her added a layer of shame to the guilt and grief she carried. </p><p>Maybe getting back to sleep twice last night meant things were trending up. Her call with Sabine later would help, even if she'd have to put up with Sabine being professional enough to not say 'I told you so' about her refusal to talk to Remus while obviously thinking it the entire conversation. And if she could talk Remus into letting her get back to her research, that'd give her something else to focus on, to help her mind get its shit together.</p><p>Hoping he'd lift his moratorium on coffee, she dragged herself from bed and showered, taking the extra time to condition and brush out her curls before applying a drying charm. She settled on a black skirt and a long-sleeved mulberry blouse, padding downstairs. </p><p>The paper was at the kitchen table, along with his empty teacup, but he wasn't. She didn't find him in the library or the living room, either. He hadn't left a note, so he couldn't have been called into work. She wandered back into the kitchen, and she was debating whether to send a Patronus when she spotted a flicker of movement in the window above the sink.</p><p>She slipped on her black ankle boots and stepped outside. A loud noise made her jump, and she slammed the door harder than she'd intended.</p><p>"Shit. Sorry, baby girl."</p><p>When she turned, the pre-dawn light and an enchanted lantern illuminated Remus standing in the garden, holding a long whip - one of the ones she'd seen on the wall in the play room. He coiled it as she came down the steps. </p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p>"Practicing." She tucked herself against him and he hugged her close. "Mm. Good morning."</p><p>"Good morning, Daddy." She stood on tiptoe to kiss his jaw. "You just...practice cracking whips...for fun?"</p><p>"Well, the crack's not the important part. But yes, for fun and so I don't go rusty."</p><p>"You're such a nerd. It's hot." As laughter rumbled through him, she added, "How come I've never seen you?" He'd never brought up using one of them, either, though he owned several. She figured they were probably above her threshold for enjoyable pain.</p><p>"I normally do it on mornings we're not together, since - " He broke off as if he wasn't sure how to finish the sentence.</p><p><em>Ah</em>. Tiptoeing around her trauma. That explained the look on his face when he'd coiled the thing so fast, too.</p><p>He stroked her hair, studying her. "Have you been hurt with one of these, angel?"</p><p>She closed her eyes for a moment, then met his again. "With - with the cat. I was healed those times. But not one like this."</p><p>He blanched and tightened his arm around her. She could read the horror on his face, but for a sadist with a filthy mind, he was so damn pure-hearted that she doubted whatever he was imagining approached reality. Cat o'nines were unpleasant to begin with, but the thing Brian liked most about them was how easily and creatively they could be modified to go from unpleasant to brutal.</p><p>She had numerous reasons not to tell him all of it - the fear that he wouldn't want her anymore, that knowing the depth of it would hurt him, that he'd force a pointless investigation that would upend both of their lives. But one of the reasons she kept her mouth shut was that she felt strangely protective of this - of his innocence and goodness. </p><p>She ran her fingers through his beard and traced the scars on his cheek. “It’s okay, Daddy. It was a long time ago.”</p><p>"It's not okay."</p><p>"Well, no. But I'm okay, really. The nightmares will get better, they always do." She gave him a tender squeeze and looked up. "You don't like them?"</p><p>"Cats?" At her nod he said, "Not particularly. I've used one before, on someone who asked for it, but their main purpose is to break skin. There's little skill involved, and no subtlety."</p><p>"And a bull whip is subtle?" She raised an eyebrow. They required skill, certainly - she recalled that the club rarely allowed people to hold public scenes with them. But subtle wouldn't have topped her list of adjectives.</p><p>His lips quirked. "In the right hands, yes. It shouldn't break skin, and it doesn't have to cause much pain or even leave marks. It can be pleasurable, like a flogger, but in a different way."</p><p>She must still have looked skeptical, because he chuckled. But though she was a little afraid of them, she was also curious. "Would - would you show me sometime?"</p><p>"I'd like that," he said, with a smile that reached his eyes.</p><p>"Can I watch you practice?"</p><p>"If you like. You'll have to stay on the stairs, though." He took her hand and added, "Let's get you some coffee first. I know you're dying for it."</p><p>"You're the best." He laughed again as she lit up.</p><p>She followed him inside, leaning against the counter while he made it for her. He'd bought chocolate syrup and whipped cream after the second time he got her usual order from the café, and though she didn't mind it with just milk and sugar, it was sweet of him to go all out. She tried to suppress a giggle as he tapped sprinkles from a small plastic jar to cover the whipped cream, examining his handiwork with a critical eye.</p><p>"What?" he asked with a sidelong glance.</p><p>She shook her head, pressing her lips together. "Nothing."</p><p>He attacked her and she squealed, unable to hold back her giggles this time as she squirmed away from his hands. "This is serious business, baby girl. I'm sure you've got an Arithmancy equation all worked out on the optimal sprinkle-to-whipped cream ratio."</p><p>"Yeah, but you hate Arithmancy." She caught her breath, bumping her hip against his.</p><p>"I do. I'm lucky you're so patient with my trial and error methods," he teased as she lifted the mug and took a sip. It wasn't quite a mocha latte, but it was close enough, and the thoughtfulness with which he made it meant everything to her. "I've missed that sound."</p><p>When she sighed and bit her lip, he said, "Oh, angel. It's okay. Enjoying things doesn't mean you don't miss him." He took the mug from her hands and set it on the counter again, holding her close as she buried her face in his shirt. </p><p>She turned her head and rested her cheek on his chest. "It feels like - " She shook her head. "I don't know. I'm bad at this."</p><p>"No one's good at grief, Min. But it's not linear. Some days will be better than others, and it's okay to have good moments. He'd want that, I think."</p><p>With her parents, and then with Harry, she couldn't remember many good moments after. It didn't help that there'd been a war on, nor that she spent most of the months following the Battle of Hogwarts drinking and pushing people away. As scary as it was to feel what she did for Remus, and as discomfiting as it was to be under his constant scrutiny, some part of her was grateful for his promise not to let her push him away.</p><p>She still wasn't sure when Zain's death would sink in. Seeing his body at the hospital and then at the mosque had been jarring, but at times she got distracted. Then she thought of something she wanted to tell him on Monday or remembered why her schedule was so odd this week and reality sucked the air from her lungs. Knowing that was a normal reaction to losing someone didn't make it much easier. </p><p>But he was right, and hearing it lessened the sting of her guilt, for now. She nodded and took a deep breath before she pulled away.</p><p>"That's my girl." He handed her her coffee again and she followed him back out onto the porch, sitting on the stairs as he cast cushioning and warming charms.</p><p>"Thank you, Daddy."</p><p>"You're welcome, little one." He ruffled her hair. "Stay over here."</p><p>She nodded and he moved further away than he'd been before. As he cracked the whip in the air, she grasped the reason for his concern - it was longer than she'd thought, maybe six or eight feet. He aimed for the sycamore tree. It was barren in winter, but he attached paper targets to it and hit them with precision, sometimes softly, sometimes powerfully enough to slice them in two.</p><p>She'd always wondered what he looked like swinging a flogger - or two, given his usual method - but she couldn't very well see him while he was flogging her back, and on Christmas he'd blindfolded her. That would be different, and she still wanted to see it, but she decided he looked hot as <em>fuck</em> with a single-tail. Especially when he got warm enough to banish his jacket in her direction and roll up the sleeves of the button-down shirt he wore.</p><p><em>Good God.</em> The muscles in his forearms rippled as he switched hands and swung from the side. By the time he stopped another twenty minutes or so later, she'd finished her coffee, but that wasn't the reason for her flush.</p><p>"Having fun, baby girl?" he asked with a knowing grin as he helped her up.</p><p>"Mm." She turned and headed back inside before he could open the door for her. Sometimes she wished she really believed, that she could find more than superficial comfort in the rituals of faith. But sometimes she was grateful that she didn't believe in divine punishment. Because laughter was one thing, but - </p><p>Remus picked her up and set her on the counter. He ignored her gasp of surprise and fisted his hand in her hair, kissing her soundly and driving all the thoughts from her head. She overcame her reluctance after a moment, winding her legs around his waist and clutching at his shoulders, unable to hold back the whimpers that escaped her throat.</p><p>When he broke the kiss a few minutes later, he loosened his grip, resting his head against hers. "You don't need to feel guilty, angel. It helps you feel connected to me, and I know it helps you process your emotions. It's alright if you're not up for it, and if there are things you want or don't want I expect you to tell me. But you're not going to deny yourself because you're ashamed. Is that understood?"</p><p>She closed her eyes tightly for long enough that he sighed and took her face in his hands, brushing a kiss to her brow. "Wanting sex doesn't make you a bad person, Min. For some people, it's a comfort or a way to deal with their emotions, and that's okay. There's no wrong way to grieve, as long as you're not burying your feelings."</p><p>She let her forehead fall on his shoulder, speaking out loud the truth that had gotten under her skin all week. "It scares me how well you know what's going through my head."</p><p>"It doesn't take Legilimency to spot your broken record of guilty-bad-wrong, baby girl. I don't even need to look at you."</p><p>He didn't like it when she apologized, but after a moment, she said, "I - I'm sorry for trying to push you away yesterday. Thank you for putting up with me."</p><p>"You say it like it's a hardship." She could feel his eyes on her as he ran a hand through her curls. "You're mine, Hermione. You don't get to hide from me."</p><p>"Yes, sir." She shivered at the weight of those words, lifting her hand to trace the pendant at her throat. </p><p>"Come on, little one. Arms and legs around me."</p><p>She nuzzled into his neck, doing her best to set aside her self-judgment while he carried her up to the play room, settling her on the couch with him and dimming the sconces lining the walls with a spell. She straddled his lap and ducked her head with a blush.</p><p>"What?" he asked, slipping his hand beneath her blouse to caress her side.</p><p>She trailed her lips over his jaw and neck so she wouldn't have to meet his eyes as she whispered, "I was kind of hoping for a more hands-on demonstration."</p><p>"Did watching me turn you on that much, baby girl?" He pushed her skirt up around her thighs and grabbed her ass to pull her against him. "Mm. I can smell you."</p><p>She nipped and sucked at his earlobe as he growled and hardened fully. He tugged her head back, running his mouth down her throat, then divested her of her blouse.</p><p>"Take off your skirt and get over my lap."</p><p>She scrambled to comply, standing just long enough to shimmy out of the cotton and settling herself there, her legs parting as she whimpered and ground herself on his jeans. </p><p>"There's my sweet little kitten in heat." He walked his hand up the inside of her thigh. "Did you miss this, baby girl? Do you need Daddy to take care of you?"</p><p>She could hear the smile in his voice as she nodded. It was comforting; it might be fucked up, but the world made more sense when she was on her knees or over his lap, when he took control and forced her to let go of everything else. And he had a way of making it a safe container for her emotions, even the ones she didn't understand or know what to do with.</p><p>He slid her panties aside only long enough to slick his fingers and put them to her mouth. She suckled them greedily while he cupped her pussy with his other hand, petting her through the wet cotton. Moaning on his fingers, she shifted to seek more of his touch as he moved the fabric again and traced the seam of her pussy, teasing her clit. </p><p>"There you go, little one. You don't need to worry about anything but pleasing me." </p><p>She gasped as he gave her one finger, then two, her hips bucking against his hand. He fucked her slowly, the delicious stretch and friction of his calloused skin a maddening tease that left her begging him for more.</p><p>"You don't need to hold back today. I want you to come for me. That's it, soak Daddy's fingers."</p><p>She cried out and clamped down on him, her body obeying with a deep shudder as his thrusts quickened. His hand slipped from her mouth to stroke her hair, and she swallowed against a wave of emotion once she came back to herself.</p><p>"My good, sweet girl," he whispered as he rubbed her back, still carding his other hand through her curls. "Are you sure you want to try the whip? Even if it's not too painful, it's intense. And though I won't intentionally hurt you, there's still risk. We can always do it another time."</p><p>"Yes, please. I - I trust you."</p><p>"I know you do, angel." His fingertips trailed down her spine. "I'm going to warm you up."</p><p>He brought his hand down gently at first, gradually intensifying his strikes until heat bloomed in her skin. He stroked her often in between blows, and by the time he stopped she was whimpering in arousal, but also craving more - the kind of pain that broke through her walls, forced her to feel.</p><p>"Please, Daddy, will you spank me harder?"</p><p>He petted her ass and she wriggled on his lap. "Eager little kitten. If you still want it in a bit, I promise. On your knees."</p><p>She breathed a soft sigh but knelt next to him on the couch, unsure of how exactly he wanted her. He smiled and drew her into a tender kiss. Winding her hands around his neck, she ran her fingers through his hair, curling her tongue around his own.</p><p>Too soon, he disentangled himself from the kiss, cupping her cheek. "I'm going to blindfold you and restrain you for this. Are you okay with that?"</p><p>"Yes, sir." </p><p>He summoned the blindfold first, covering her eyes and tying it snugly while she was still kneeling on the couch. Then he summoned a whip, and she shivered as he dragged it over her skin. It seemed smaller than the one he'd used outside - it would have to be, to fit the confines of the room. The scent of the braided leather and the tantalizing way it slid over her skin heightened her arousal.</p><p>She pressed her thighs together at the promising sound of his belt unbuckling. A moment later he pulled her head down and his cock brushed her cheek.</p><p>"Ass in the air, legs apart." He tugged her in sideways on the couch. "Did you miss sucking Daddy's cock, baby girl?"</p><p>Her affirmative noise sounded more like a moan; she was grateful he hadn't restrained her yet as she lapped at his balls, breathing him in, then fluttered her tongue along his shaft. The angle was odd, but as she sucked him into her mouth and he ran the leather over her back and along her inner thighs, she decided the position had its advantages.</p><p>She wrapped her hand around the base of his shaft, stroking him and tonguing him firmly. She could feel a groan rumble through his chest, sending a frisson of desire straight to her core. He draped the whip over her back and she gasped as she felt something rigid against her center - the handle. She rubbed herself on it through her panties, chasing the delicious friction and sucking him deeper into her mouth.</p><p>"Keep your mouth on my cock, that's a good girl."</p><p><em>As if I had other plans.</em> He spoke cleansing and vanishing charms, but she was so focused on the feeling of him throbbing against her tongue and the well of need between her legs that they didn't register at first. With a squeak, she realized her panties were gone, and the polished wood slipped through her folds, already warmed by her body heat. </p><p>"Goddamn, kitten, you feel amazing. I love how you're always so wet and needy for me."</p><p>He chuckled when she whimpered and canted her hips, meeting only empty air as he withdrew. He teased at her entrance with the rounded end, and though she blushed deeply, she would have begged if her mouth wasn't full. </p><p><em>Jesus Christ.</em> Her long, low moan hummed on his shaft as the slender piece of wood slipped inside of her and she clenched instinctively around it. She wasn't the biggest fan of insertable toys, but it might be time to reconsider that opinion - though she wasn't certain if a whip really qualified as an insertable.</p><p>"Careful, don't hurt yourself, angel," he murmured, shifting his grip so she could only bear down so far while he fucked her with it. "There you go. I'm going to make you fall in love with everything about my lash, baby girl." She sucked him more quickly, a shudder rippling through her as he tightened his hand in her hair. "Touch your clit. You're going to come on my whip while I come in your mouth."</p><p>She damn near came when he said it. He never let her take his come this way; Christmas had been the first time he'd mentioned it, and though he'd changed his mind then, she was grateful he hadn't discarded the idea altogether.</p><p>It was too much stimulation in the best way - his grip in her hair, the wood filling her, the throb of her clit beneath her fingertips and of his cock against her tongue. The warmth of his body enveloped hers in a way it couldn't when she knelt on the floor, and his scent and the sound of his pleasure surrounded her. She wasn't sure whose climax hit first, but suddenly she was riding out her own while he spilled into her mouth. She swallowed eagerly and laved him with her tongue, her little cries muffled on his skin.</p><p>She was still shaking when he set the whip aside and took her into his lap, holding her close. "How are you feeling, angel?"</p><p>"I - " She felt so much. Untangling the layers seemed like an impossible undertaking. She settled for, "Floaty. Close to you. That - that was really good."</p><p>"I'm glad. Do you still want more?"</p><p>"Yes, please." She nuzzled her cheek affectionately to his shoulder. She felt the sudden, terrifying urge again to say it - the words that she had to think quietly, the ones that didn't even get far enough up to stick in her throat. She bit her lip instead, and rather than trace it he cradled the back of her head and kissed her sweetly.</p><p>He slipped an arm under her knees and stood, carrying her across the room. When he set her down, she heard the sound of him sorting out his jeans before he guided her hands up to the cuffs on the cross. His own hands trailed over her skin as he knelt behind her to cuff her ankles to a spreader bar, and now that she was immobile she felt the anxiety, the internal debate over how fucking insane she must be for asking a man to take a <em>bull whip</em> to her body.</p><p>"Alright, angel?" His body molded to her back as his strong arms encircled her, his palm rubbing soothing circles over her abdomen.</p><p>"Yes, sir. I trust you." It was the truth, but it came out a little higher and more tentative than usual.</p><p>He gave a soft laugh. "It's normal to be nervous, little one. I'd worry if you weren't. We're going to go slow, but if you need me to stop at any point, I will."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>He kissed her shoulder and bit down, sucking at the skin until she moaned. His fingertips drifted over her skin, down her arms and along her thighs. Slowly, she relaxed, lulled by his seductive touch and his closeness.</p><p>His lips brushed her ear as he asked, "Did you like the sound, earlier? Or was it too scary?"</p><p>"No, I liked it. I mean, it was kind of scary, but it - it made me wet," she admitted.</p><p>"Little thrill-seeker." He nipped the shell of her ear. </p><p>As he stepped away, the leather dragged over her torso and shoulder and down her back, making her quiver. He spoke a charm to move the bed, and she heard it shift to the far wall. Then the first crack came - in the air, behind her.</p><p>"Oh, my God." She gasped and flinched as the second crack also hit the air, but between her legs this time. It didn't trigger her, but her heart beat a tattoo on her ribcage, the implicit threat eliciting a rush of endorphins and a wave of wetness. <em>ThisisRemusyoutrustRemus - </em></p><p>The third time, she felt only the rush of air and the faintest graze of the string at the end against her ass - the suggestion of a blow more than anything. Then he did hit her, but lightly, like the flicker of a flame that dissipated into a spreading warmth. When he paused long enough for her to absorb it, her breath caught.</p><p>Logically, Hermione did trust Remus. Floggers and paddles didn't really test that, though, and she wasn't afraid of his fists or his wand. Being suspended put her life in his hands; it was the closest thing she could liken this to, but no one had ever hurt her with rope. </p><p>She had, however, been restrained and beaten half to death on multiple occasions. And he wielded an implement that could easily cut someone open or even kill them; hell, she'd seen him slice paper and wood in half not two hours before. But what he did now, running the force out before it ever touched her, that took immense control and patience and <em>care</em>.</p><p>A visceral kind of shock overwhelmed her when the reality set in that he could split her skin or bruise her organs and <em>he wasn't hurting her at all</em>. By the time her body absorbed the next flicker of heat, she was in tears.</p><p>"Shh, angel. I've got you." He embraced her from behind again, holding her close and smoothing her hair back from her face as she rested her head on his chest.</p><p>"I'm sorry - "</p><p>"Don't be. Are you alright?"</p><p>She nodded, taking deep breaths. "God, I'm so sick of crying. I just - I didn't know - I mean, I didn't think you would hurt me, but I - " She shook her head, unsure of how to string the words together.</p><p>"The trust thing's a bit of a mindfuck, isn't it?" She breathed a choked laugh as he kissed the top of her head. "And you've been boxing up your feelings for too long, little one. It's an honor that you feel safe enough to cry with me. It doesn't bother me."</p><p>She nodded again, sniffling. "O - okay. Please, I don't want you to stop."</p><p>"If you're sure."</p><p>He cuddled her a little longer. When he stepped away, he continued with those light blows, waiting and studying her reactions to each one. It wasn't the thuddy kind of impact she preferred, but it felt much different from a cane or the other stingy implements she usually disliked. She found she loved the intensity of it. The impact built, sensitizing her skin, and he paused and ran his hands over her ass, covering her with his body.</p><p>"My beautiful, brave girl," he murmured with a note of awe. "You give yourself so freely to me. Do you want to come?"</p><p>"Yes, sir." Her voice was still rough with emotion, her moans quiet as he kissed and nipped along her neck and shoulder. She gasped when his hand slipped between her thighs, coaxing forth more pleading whimpers.</p><p>"That's it, little one. Let go for me." He brushed her clit with the lightest pressure and then gave her more. It didn't take long, a cry escaping her as she trembled in his arms, and he kept stroking her as she came, wringing every last bit out of her. "That's my good girl."</p><p>The orgasm and his closeness drove the tension from her body, and he began once more, the licks coming closer together now over her ass and her upper back. The relentlessness of it, the submission and helplessness, the way she had no choice but to surrender, that brought forth the catharsis she'd been seeking earlier like the shattering of a dam. It could have been over Zain, or what happened with Brian, or her fear or her shame, or her parents and Harry, or maybe just all of it.</p><p>The heat of the whip took her out of her head, stealing her thoughts, but in a different way from dissociation. She floated, the lash tethering her to him, but the energy of each stroke radiated through her body, paradoxically grounding her. There was no sound but the swish and pop just before it hit her skin, the stutter of her breathing and the steady cadence of his, her quiet tears. Time stopped. </p><p>By the time he finished, her crying had slowed and a tender pain had built up from the cumulative impact, but she barely felt it. There was only his arms around her and the stillness in the wake of the flood of emotional release. He took her down from the cross and scooped her up, lying down on the bed with her and wrapping her in a blanket. Her eyes stayed closed as he removed the blindfold, and she exhaled a contented sigh, curling up against him and letting herself drift.</p><p>Eventually she surfaced as he gripped the back of her neck gently, saying, "I need you to eat something for me, angel."</p><p>She accepted the chocolate he held to her lips and nibbled at his fingers, drinking from the bottle of water he summoned.</p><p>"Good girl, that'll do for now." She tucked her head to his chest and closed her eyes again. He pressed his lips to her forehead and ran a soothing hand through her hair, his voice a reverent whisper. "You're so very precious to me. You can rest now, little one. I'll watch over you."</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. it can't be solace every time you cry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>So we'll run into the open</em><br/>
<em>Keep your hand inside of mine</em><br/>
<em>And then when everything is over</em><br/>
<em>I hope to think of this as better times</em><br/>
<em>The sky got red and swollen</em><br/>
<em>I guess I never see the signs</em><br/>
<em>There can't be songs for every soldier</em><br/>
<em>It can't be solace every time you cry</em>
</p><p>Dermot Kennedy, "Lost"</p><p>Friday, December 31, 2004</p><p>"Time for a break, angel."</p><p>"I'm in the middle of a calculation, Daddy." Hermione looked up from her spot on the floor by the couch, leaning against Remus's leg as he ruffled her hair.</p><p>"I can see that, but it's past lunch and you've been going almost since you got up this morning."</p><p>She'd spent most of Thursday in his arms, savoring the afterglow of their intense scene and catching up on some sleep. And she slept better last night, only waking up once - still from the nightmare she hated, but at least it hadn't kept her awake this time. That morning was the first time she felt focused enough to ask him for permission to work on her research. </p><p>She turned to the pile of notes and books on the coffee table, eyeing the complex set of probabilities she'd been working on for the past two hours. "I need - "</p><p>He stood, his voice gentle but authoritative as he held out his hand. "You need to eat, little one. Without work in front of you." </p><p>She sighed and dropped her pen on her notebook. She'd learned during her apprenticeships that the Muggle way was easier to manage than the haphazard piles of parchment rolls her research tended to generate, and nothing could replace the satisfying sensation of ballpoint moving across cheap paper. She tamped down on the urge to be petulant as she took his hand and unfurled her legs, letting him help her to her feet.</p><p>The gloomy winter rain rendered the sky gray even just past midday, droplets coating the window above the sink and the much larger ones surrounding the breakfast nook. Remus picked her up easily and set her on the marble countertop, his favorite place for her when he cooked.</p><p>"Any requests?" He smiled and tucked a lock of hair that had escaped her messy ponytail behind her ear.</p><p>"A working lunch?" Okay, she could do better at reining in the petulance. At least she managed to keep her tone even.</p><p>"Nope," he replied cheerfully, running his palms over her jean-clad thighs. "But I'll make you anything you want."</p><p>"'Kay." She swung her legs. "Maybe...a cheese toastie? And some of the soup from last night?"</p><p>"Cheese toastie it is." </p><p>"Can I have more coffee?"</p><p>"Nope." He rested his palm against her cheek and dropped a kiss in her hair, stepping away to grab things from the refrigerator. </p><p>"'Kay." She watched him set the velvety winter squash soup to reheat and assemble sandwiches with some of the fancier cheeses he kept on hand. "Thank you, Daddy."</p><p>He looked up from the stove, his lips quirking. "You're aggravated as hell right now."</p><p>"Maybe a bit," she admitted with a sheepish shrug. "But I know you're trying to help."</p><p>"It's not going well, I'm guessing? With the potion?" At the shake of her head, he said, "I know you'll figure it out, baby girl."</p><p>"I hope you're right."</p><p>"You don't sound hopeful."</p><p>"I've spent the last three and a half years trying to figure this out, any spare moment I had during my apprenticeships or outside of work. And the improvements I've managed are tiny compared to what I need to do."</p><p>"Well, your version's less poisonous than Belby's, or even what Severus managed, by quite a bit," he offered, squeezing her thigh. "That's not nothing."</p><p>He wasn't wrong - Belby's formula was hard on the body and had long-term health impacts, not to mention making the user feel terrible while on it. It was known for causing occasional allergic reactions or acute liver injury. She'd made some headway with that, but not with reducing the dosage schedule, which was one of the main problems with potion compliance from a public health perspective. "It's not enough. And I thought I was getting somewhere, but the probabilities I'm running on the latest changes I want to make aren't good."</p><p>"You'll get there. Running yourself ragged won't help."</p><p>"I know, I just - " She shook her head.</p><p>Remus stepped between her legs again, nudging her to meet his eyes. "You're not responsible for what happened, Min."</p><p>"Maybe not. But if I'd figured this out and gotten the legislation passed already, I could have prevented it. And I can't let it happen again." </p><p>"That's not up to you, angel. You're doing everything you can." He wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest. "You're not responsible for saving every werewolf, and especially not on the timeline you set for yourself."</p><p>"Someone should be," she said bitterly, lifting her head. "And it's not like volunteers are lining up."</p><p>"It's okay to be mad." He held her gaze, cupping her cheek and stroking with his thumb. "And it's okay to channel your anger in your work. But you can't run yourself into the ground, or you won't be in any shape to help anyone, baby girl."</p><p>She let out a breath. His perception of her needs was more expansive than her own, and it grated on her sometimes, especially when she had to admit he might be right. "Okay."</p><p>"Okay," he murmured, brushing his lips against her brow. He stepped away and dished up the food, helping her down from the counter and setting them up at the table in the breakfast nook. His dining table was lovely, but he preferred the upholstered benches when he wanted to hold her while they ate. It brought back fond memories of sitting across from him in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place.</p><p>She cuddled into his lap and picked up a triangle, biting into it. His chuckle at the obscene noise she made reverberated through her. "You make the best cheese toasties."</p><p>"I try." He tapped her nose. "Finish it and you can work on your Arithmancy for a couple more hours."</p><p>"Yes, sir." If she had to be dragged away from her work, at least there were cuddles involved.</p>
<hr/><p>Monday was awful.</p><p>Theoretically, Hermione knew it'd be difficult to go back to the ward without the face she most looked forward to seeing. She was always careful not to play favorites, and she cared about all of her patients, but she'd bonded with Zain. The reality was so much worse than the theory, though. The ward was always a bleak place, but a stifling silence had settled over it now. </p><p>The pile of paperwork awaiting her attested to the fact that the world didn't stop for death or trauma. The tutor had shown up expecting a return to normal after holiday break. Hermione couldn't blame the kids for being sullen and argumentative, and halfway through the morning she'd told the woman to push back lessons for another week. She had her own experiences grieving in impossible conditions, having to carry on regardless, but at least she'd been able to fucking <em>go outside</em> to places that didn't feel like a prison yard. She'd managed to finagle more frequent field trips out of Moira in the past; she made a mental note to insist on one ASAP.</p><p>Extra wards had been set on the patients' rooms for the next month and Mind Healers were holding additional sessions. It wasn't enough, though, and the only way she knew how to deal with her emotions was to keep working towards the changes needed to empty the ward - if on a somewhat more forgiving schedule than she would have preferred, given Remus's influence. After she crawled out from beneath her paperwork and spent some time playing with the little ones, she spent the rest of the day at the desk in the corner of the ward's sitting room, poring over an obscure Ancient Runes book.</p><p>By 3 pm, she was no closer to finding a more promising combination of containment runes she could use to modify the formula, and Morgan still hadn't emerged from her room. Hermione had intended to give her space, but after a five-minute debate with herself, she made her way down the hall that held the patients' rooms, firmly setting aside the memories of the last time she'd been there. Zain's room was next to Morgan's. </p><p>At her knock, a muffled voice called, "Not interested."</p><p>"I saved you the good cookies from the cafeteria."</p><p>Thirty seconds later, a tousled, pajama-clad Morgan opened the door a crack. "Isn't bribery against some kind of code of ethics? Oh, wait, that's assuming St. Mungo's even has a code of ethics."</p><p>
  <em>Score one for the sulky teenager.</em>
</p><p>Hermione handed her a sandwich baggie of sugar cookies. "I'm not above creative interpretations of the rules. I may have finagled bangers and mash for dinner. And cider."</p><p>"That's kind of pathetic, Granger. Cider won't fix the problem." </p><p>"I know," Hermione said with a shrug, ignoring the way Morgan addressed her. At least the cookies coaxed forth words. "But neither will staying in bed all day."</p><p>"Easy for you to say, you have somewhere else to be."</p><p>Hermione inhaled sharply and averted her gaze, shoving down her guilt and shame. A few of the adults were allowed to leave since they could comply with registry requirements, but stayed because of the hardships they faced outside. But most of the patients weren't given a choice - they were minors, or adults who couldn't comply because of Wolfsbane intolerance or a criminal record. The Werewolf Capture Unit was known for their belligerent ways, and she had more than one patient who simply couldn't afford the potion and had been convicted of resisting arrest.</p><p>Regardless of what got them there, though, they were all powerless. She did her best to restore what autonomy she could in small ways, and didn't lord her freedom over them or perform magic unless she had to. But the power imbalance was still unconscionable, and she was still one of the staff, even if she wanted to right things.</p><p>And her well of fury towards the hospital and the Ministry and the entirety of wizarding fucking Britain rivaled Morgan's. So she couldn't blame the girl at all.</p><p>"Right. Well, at the moment I'd like to be in the courtyard with you. I have something to show you."</p><p>"Whatever." Morgan said it in the same bored, disdainful tone, but opened the door further and sat on the edge of her regulation twin bed to slip on her tennis shoes. </p><p>Outside of her clothes, her room didn't hold anything in the way of personal touches save her own art, notes from the other patients, and the Bent-Winged Snitches poster Hermione had gotten her for her birthday. Her file had informed Hermione she'd been bitten at eight and abandoned to the hospital a few months later with signs of abuse; she had no contact with anyone outside.</p><p>She followed Hermione down the hallway and outside, her worn soles squeaking on the linoleum.</p><p>Hermione closed the door behind them, grateful most everyone was in their room and she was the only staff member in the ward at the moment, other than the caregiver who watched over the younger kids. She slid her wand from the wrist holster she wore beneath her robes. "Give me your hand."</p><p>Morgan rolled her eyes but held it out, her expression nonplussed as Hermione dropped the wand in her palm.</p><p>"Walnut, dragon heartstring. It's a bit temperamental, I wasn't its original owner." Actually, she'd intended to replace it as soon as humanly possible right up until the Battle of Hogwarts. Then it felt like for all the things Bellatrix had taken from her and the people she loved, she could take something back. It would never be justice, and it might have been petty, but she kept it. It held darkness, but then she held some herself, if of a different variety. And it gave her satisfaction to know she could do some good with it, too.</p><p>Patients on Dai Llewellyn were only allowed the use of their wands occasionally - mainly during the kids' lessons - and otherwise they were locked away, same as for the Janus Thickey ward. Morgan excelled in Transfiguration and Charms when she was given the chance to.</p><p>"What am I supposed to do with it?"</p><p>"I mean, a warming charm might be nice. And I have an idea for a way we could put your Transfiguration skills to good use. But you can hit me with a bat-bogey hex for all I care."</p><p>"I'm guessing blowing up the hospital is out of the question," Morgan said dryly. She did cast a warming charm.</p><p>"Actually, poorly made Wolfsbane would be a much better way to incinerate the block. Spells can only manage part of a room at a time."</p><p>"I suck at Potions and I have no idea how Wolfsbane works." Morgan cocked her head. "That's bad, right? I should probably learn more about it, in case I'm ever, like, stuck and have to brew it myself or something."</p><p>"We can do some extra Potions lessons if you want, but the Wolfsbane - " Hermione's laugh was humorless. "I could brew it in my sleep by now without blowing anything up, but aconite and dragon's blood do <em>not</em> mix well. And that's the biggest hurdle I have to improving it."</p><p>She followed Morgan across the courtyard to the barren flower beds, where black roses popped out of the desolate ground with a flick of the girl's wrist. "You know, I'd have expected more of a nauseatingly cheerful vibe. Unicorn tail or something. This wand doesn't seem like you at all."</p><p>"'Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes,'" she quipped. God, Remus had rubbed off on her too much if she was quoting Whitman. "Actually, my friends and I took it off Bellatrix Lestrange."</p><p>Morgan's gaze snapped to Hermione's. "Seriously? As in, I'm literally holding a Death Eater's wand right now?" She glanced at the wand as if it might bite her.</p><p>"Well, it's been mine for six years, but more or less." </p><p>"You're an enigma, Granger," she said with a shake of her head. "So what's the deal with the Wolfsbane?"</p><p>"I need to make some changes to it before - " Hermione hesitated. She didn't like to talk about her plans around the ward. It was bad enough getting her own hopes up.</p><p>"Please, it's the worst-kept secret in this place." Morgan rolled her eyes. "We all know you want to change the rules."</p><p>"Yeah. Well, in order to do that, I have to make a better potion. But the only way I can do that is to increase the aconite, and I can't find a way to contain its unpleasant effects so it doesn't poison you guys or, well, incinerate a city block."</p><p>"That would kind of suck, I guess." <em>Aptly put.</em> "What have you tried?"</p><p>"Every combination of containment runes I can think of. I run Arithmancy probabilities on some of them because brewing would be too risky, but I can't come up with anything good enough."</p><p>Morgan added some greenery to the flower beds. "Maybe you're looking at it wrong."</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"I mean, take this with a shaker of salt because I've melted a cauldron or two in lessons and Arithmancy makes me want to throw things, but - I don't know. What if there's another change you could make besides runes? Or, like, what if you looked at it as creating a new potion instead of tweaking the current one?"</p><p>Hermione opened and closed her mouth, then said, "That's - that's actually pretty brilliant. I'll think about it."</p><p>"Cool. So what are we Transfiguring with your evil wand?"</p><p>"I was thinking about turning one of the folding chairs into a punching bag, since I get the feeling I'm not the only one who wants to hit something."</p><p>Morgan narrowed her eyes. "Who are you and what have you done with Miss Sweetness and Light?"</p><p>Hermione snorted. "Even sweetness and light needs to vent sometimes. You wanna do the honors?"</p><p>"I've never used a punching bag, so whatever I come up with would probably be a mess." Morgan's hand twitched as if she were going to hand Hermione's wand back, but she paused. "I was out of line earlier."</p><p>"No, you weren't," Hermione said gently. "It isn't fair. You have a right to be angry, Morg. Even at me."</p><p>"Yeah, well, there are better targets, right? Anyway, here, do your thing."</p><p>Hermione took her wand and soon enough they had a heavy punching bag with a metal frame set up near the edge of the small basketball court. She added impervius charms for good measure, then demonstrated a few punches and kicks.</p><p>"So, I just, like, wail on it?" Morgan eyed the bag skeptically.</p><p>"More or less. If you want, I can give you pointers on form. It's more fun sparring with a person, but I'm pretty sure fights between patients and staff do go against some kind of rule," Hermione added with a rueful grin.</p><p>"Figures."</p><p>Morgan seemed uncertain, so Hermione tossed her work robes aside and demonstrated a few basic hooks and kicks, giving some direction as Morgan tried them out.</p><p>She hung back and let the girl go at it after a while; she could work out her anger on her own time. Once Morgan got over her shyness, the quiet fury poured out of her in powerful if unsophisticated movements. But she tired after a half hour, the tears starting to flow as her energy waned.</p><p>"This is bullshit," she said, swiping angrily at her cheeks and stepping back from the bag. "What's the point of anything? No matter what we do, they can just take everything away from us."</p><p>It might have been the first time she cried since Hermione woke her to tell her of Zain's death. Hermione pulled her close and wrapped her in a tight hug, blinking back tears of her own. "I know."</p>
<hr/><p>Once everyone was off to dinner, Hermione's feet carried her to the Floo hub automatically, but as she took powder from the communal jar, she hesitated. She'd intended to return to her apartment tonight, but after a moment, she tossed the powder in and said, "Lupin Cottage."</p><p>Remus already had a fire going, and the sight of him in his favorite brown leather chair was like home and safety and comfort. He was barefoot in the khakis and blue button-down he wore underneath his work robes, his sleeves rolled up and a few buttons undone. He held a book in one hand and a tumbler of liquor in the other - Writer's Tears or Redbreast, she knew. It was strange how many small things she'd picked up on by now. He smiled when he looked up, setting both down on the side table.</p><p>She ran an uncertain hand along the strap of her weathered canvas messenger bag. "I probably should have called first - "</p><p>"Hush, little girl. Come here."</p><p>She dropped her bag on the couch, stripping her robes off again and laying them over it as she stepped out of her shoes. Remus held his arms out expectantly and she curled up on his lap, tucking her head to his shoulder. </p><p>"Baby girl, you don't need to call. You're always welcome." He sank his hand into her hair and she nuzzled his neck, breathing in vetiver and almond and rosemary - he'd been cooking. He smelled and felt like home, too, and some of the tension left her body. "Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>"It - it's just hard on the ward. And the only thing I can do to help is fix the goddamn potion, but I can't even do that right, and I - "</p><p>"Shh." He kissed her temple. "You do so many things right, angel. Tell me something good you did today."</p><p>"I - I got Morgan to come out of her room."</p><p>"See? Something good. What did you guys do?"</p><p>She bit her lip, curling her hand against his chest. "I gave her my wand."</p><p>"Your wand?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm not supposed to, but the patients only get to use theirs sometimes during lessons and they're locked up the rest of the time and it's <em>wrong</em>, Daddy."</p><p>He stroked her cheek. "My little rebel. What did she do with it?"</p><p>"She grew flowers. Then she asked me whose wand it used to be and she looked at me like you do." She pressed her lips to his jaw.</p><p>He glanced down at her with a raised eyebrow. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"When you saw I'd kept it, sometimes when I use it, you look at me like you don't know who I am."</p><p>"Oh, I know exactly who you are, angel," he said with a quiet chuckle. "It's just that you're more terrifying than most people give you credit for."</p><p>She lifted her head, incredulous. "Am not. And it's not like you're afraid of me."</p><p>"Min, I've been afraid of you since you were fourteen years old," he said, cupping her cheek, his gaze more serious now. "And afraid <em>for</em> you. You're brilliant and driven enough to accomplish anything you put your mind to, even if it means putting yourself at risk. And you've been put in plenty of impossible situations."</p><p>She looked down with an uncomfortable shrug, unsure of what to say. Remus tipped her head up. "You're not her, and you're not evil. But you are just as powerful as she was. Maybe more. It's good that you use that power to help others."</p><p>"I'm trying. Morgan said something today - that I was looking at this the wrong way. Maybe she had a point."</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"She said I should look at other options for modifying the potion, or look at it like I'm making something new. I've had tunnel vision, focusing too much on Belby's method for dealing with the aconite problem, since no one has managed to do it any other way."</p><p>"Well, what other ways could you look at it?" he asked. "You've had to create a potion before, right? For your mastery?"</p><p>"Yeah, but - " Hermione broke off, staring at him. "Oh, that's <em>it</em>!"</p><p>He laughed as she took his face in her hands and planted a kiss on his mouth. "Okay, Isaac Newton. What's going on in that beautiful head?"</p><p>In her head, she quickly ran through the formula and research methods she'd used for her mastery project. "I focused mainly on Wolfsbane, but for the potion creation bit I made something to treat Cruciatus damage, and - okay, werewolf biology is obviously more complicated than this, but the interaction of the central nervous system and the magical core plays a major role in the transformation, too. Maybe I can use that to find a different way to address the aggression during the full moon."</p><p>"Most of the treatments for Cruciatus have been meager at best - I had no idea there had been progress on it. I haven't kept up with the journals, though. I'm surprised the Prophet didn't run anything."</p><p>"Yeah." She hesitated when she realized she'd given more away than she intended. Guilt gnawed at her as she told another half-truth. "Um, you know how I feel about attention. Most of my research was published anonymously, or under my advisors, so it didn't make much of a splash outside of the Potions journals and the French news. But the potion I devised cures mild to moderate damage with a limited course. It can only treat severe cases like the Longbottoms, but they've had some success with improving quality of life for the patients in Janus Thickey."</p><p>"Well, I'm proud of you, angel. That's amazing," he said, brushing his lips against hers. "And I have something to show you. Up with you."</p><p>She clambered off of his lap, interlacing her fingers with his. He led her to the door next to the pantry in the kitchen; she knew his house had a basement, but she'd never actually seen it. A wooden staircase took them down to a large room - it had to cover half of the first floor.</p><p>It was outfitted as a lab.</p><p>"Remus - " she breathed, taking in the metal tables and teak cabinets. A desk occupied one corner, next to a small blue couch. It was at least a few times the size of the cramped lab in her apartment.</p><p>"You'll have to add the safety wards, and I have no idea what you need in terms of supplies. I figured we could go shopping this week."</p><p>"This is - " She wrapped her arms around him, her throat constricting. When she could finally manage it, she said, "Thank you so much, Daddy."</p><p>"You're welcome, little one." She could hear the smile in his voice, and he added with a touch of mischief, "My motives are completely selfish, though. Gives me an excuse to see you more, and to keep an eye on you so you don't overdo it."</p><p>She swallowed hard, hugging him tighter. She really didn't deserve him.</p>
<hr/><p>It took Hermione nearly two weeks to model a new potion using her old research. Remus patiently let her cast diagnosis spell after diagnosis spell to analyze his own central nervous system and magical core so she wouldn't have to bug her patients too much. He took up residence on the couch in his basement while she worked in the evenings, regularly dragging her away to make sure she took care of herself. She tried not to protest, especially because he actually listened and seemed interested when she rambled on about her research.</p><p>The new formula she created wasn't combustible, thanks to her elimination of the dragon's blood. She used the belladonna she had in the Cruciatus Potion to work in conjunction with the aconite, and hoped she'd hit on a combination of containment runes that would modulate the poisonous side effects of both. She successfully brewed it on Thursday night, but she wouldn't be able to test its safety and efficacy until the full moon at the end of January - the hospital's Potions department regularly ran animal trials using nifflers or rats.</p><p>She spent Friday morning running probabilities on the trial with the new formula. Arithmancy was considered a branch of Divination, but she liked it because it was closer to data analysis; she could input all of the variables into her equations and they would give her the likely outcomes. After three hours hunched over her desk while the kids had their lessons, her equations told her the trial had a good probability of success with a single dose.</p><p>The current formula required six consecutive days of dosing. She'd been trying to reduce it to two or three. One had been too much to hope for - until now.</p><p>"Earth to Miss Hermione."</p><p>Morgan's voice snapped her from her shock. She wasn't sure how long she'd been staring blankly at her notebook. "Um, hi."</p><p>"You're the only person I know who actually likes that stuff," Morgan said with a pointed glance at her Arithmancy work. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't accidentally break your brain."</p><p>"Actually, I might have, but in the best way. I'll tell you all about it if it works out, I promise."</p><p>"I'll try not to fall asleep."</p><p>Hermione scrunched her nose. "You're no fun. They're holding Charms outside today, you'd better go before you're late."</p><p>Morgan rolled her eyes but wandered in the direction of the courtyard as Hermione shooed her away. She went downstairs to the lab to make arrangements for the trial and debated only a few moments before asking Moira for the rest of the day off. Instead of heading home, she packed up her things and Flooed to the Ministry.</p><p>The Aurory was quiet this close to the weekend; anyone with any seniority who wasn't working an active case had left already. Remus's office was on the edge of the long hallway that led to the training rooms. Hermione was grateful he'd altered his wards to allow her entry, because it meant she could surprise him. She stuck her work robes in her bag and curled up in his big office chair, stealing his rust-colored cardigan and burrowing into it.</p><p>"Hey there, pretty girl," he said as he came in and closed the door behind him ten minutes later.</p><p>She put down the book on spell development she'd nicked from the shelf that lined one wall and got up from his chair, tucking herself against him. "Hi, Daddy."</p><p>"This is a lovely surprise. Miss me too much?" </p><p>"Always. That, and you're the first person I wanted to tell." She stood on tiptoe and wound her arms around his neck, tugging him down into a tender kiss. </p><p>"Mm. What is it you want to tell me?" he asked, brushing her hair back from her face.</p><p>"I did it!"</p><p>"You did - wait, the changes from Wednesday worked?"</p><p>"Yeah. Better than I'd expected - I just set up a niffler trial for the end of the month. A <em>single-dose</em> trial, Remus." Disbelief still colored her voice.</p><p>She caught a brief glimpse of his beaming smile as he picked her up and spun her, eliciting a burst of exhilarated giggles. "My brilliant, beautiful girl." </p><p>He set her on his desk and stood between her legs, his lips meeting hers. She nipped at his bottom lip, pleased when he let her suck his tongue into her mouth. She caressed it with her own, deepening the kiss and squeezing his hips with her thighs.</p><p>"Daddy - " She gasped as he broke the kiss after a few minutes and ran his mouth over her cheek and neck. When he bit down, a ragged moan escaped her. "Fuck."</p><p>"Such a good girl," he murmured, soothing the skin with his tongue. His hand slipped beneath her yellow wrap dress and walked up the inside of her thigh, and she quivered as his fingertips grazed her panties. "Wet for me already, kitten?"</p><p>"Yes, sir," she admitted with a blush.</p><p>"Needy little girl." His hand slipped inside her panties and he traced her slit as she parted her legs wider, seeking more of his touch. "Lie back for me."</p><p>Her blush deepened, but she did, and he spoke a cushioning charm for her head. Her dress pooled around her hips as he removed her shoes and divested her of her panties, tucking them in his pocket before he laid her legs over his shoulders. A shiver rippled through her as he nibbled along her thighs.</p><p>"I think you deserve a reward." He nuzzled her center, his beard teasing her sensitive skin. "And when we're done here, I'm going to take you home and do some research of my own on how many times I can make you come while I feed you my cock and fuck you."</p><p>"Jesus," she whimpered, tangling her hands in his hair. "<em>Please</em>, Daddy."</p><p>He licked her from core to clit as her hips bucked involuntarily. Giving her a finger, then two, he said, "There you go, angel. Is that what you needed? Did you need Daddy to fill your little pussy?"</p><p>She bit her lip and nodded as she met his eyes. "Fuck, that feels so good."</p><p>"Good. I don't want you to hold back, baby girl. You'd better make a mess on my desk." </p><p>His words drew a fresh wave of wetness and he slowly worked another finger inside of her, the delicious stretch evoking a shudder. She dropped her head onto the desk, arching up to him, a litany of pleas falling from her lips.</p><p>"That's it, kitten, fuck Daddy's fingers." He gave them to her in deep, firm thrusts. When she toppled over the edge, he sucked her clit into his mouth, making her cry out as another climax followed the first so quickly it felt like she couldn't stop coming. She trembled, breathing more soft cries and grinding herself on his hand. Once the intense pleasure subsided, he withdrew and lapped at her center, his own quiet moans humming against her skin.</p><p>"That's my good girl." He lowered her legs, gathering her into his arms and helping her sit up.</p><p>She nuzzled her cheek to his chest, snaking her arms around his waist. "Thank you, Daddy."</p><p>"No, little one, thank you. I'm so proud of you."</p><p>"I wouldn't have been able to do it without you."</p><p>He held her and ran his fingers through her curls for a few minutes longer before he spoke cleansing charms for them and for the desk. "My paperwork can wait until Monday, but we should grab lunch before we head home."</p><p>"'Kay. Is it okay if we stop at mine after? I want to let Seph out and get a few things for this weekend."</p><p>"Of course, baby girl." He brushed a chaste kiss to her lips and helped her off the desk.</p><p>They ended up at a French bistro several blocks from the Ministry. The food was good, but she was still floaty from her orgasms and longing to be in his arms again. She held his hand as he Apparated them to the edge of her neighborhood and they walked the rest of the way to her apartment. </p><p>"I won't take too long, I promise," she said as he unlocked the door using the spare key she'd given him.</p><p>A wolfish grin crossed his face at her eagerness, and he stepped inside. "I didn't know you had a secret admirer," he teased.</p><p>A different kind of shock hit her as she came around him and spotted the vase sitting on the coffee table. She stiffened and pressed a hand to her mouth.</p><p>
  <em>No. Oh, God, please, no.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. it's buried in your bones</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Spoiler-y content warnings in end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I can feel your heart hanging in the air</em><br/>
<em>I'm counting every step as you climb the stairs</em><br/>
<em>It's buried in your bones</em><br/>
<em>I see it in your closed eyes, turning in</em><br/>
<em>This is harder than we know</em><br/>
<em>We hold it in the most when we're wearing thin</em><br/>
<em>Coming like a hurricane, I take it in real slow</em><br/>
<em>The world is spinning like a weather vane</em><br/>
<em>Fragile and composed</em><br/>
<em>Though I am breaking down again</em><br/>
<em>I am aching now to let you in</em>
</p><p>Fleurie, “Hurricane”</p><p>Friday, January 14, 2005</p><p>“I didn’t know you had a secret admirer.”</p><p>Hermione followed Remus into her flat and came around him, breathing a little cry and pressing her hand to her mouth.</p><p>“Min, what - “ He only meant to tease her - and thought he probably ought to send her flowers himself - but her stricken expression and the way she darted down the hall sent a flood of concern through him. He found her in the bathroom retching and crouched beside her, brushing her hair back from her face.</p><p>After a minute, she sat back against the side of the porcelain bathtub. “Get rid of them, please.” It came out a whisper, and she wouldn’t meet his eyes.</p><p>“Alright. I’ll be right back, okay?” </p><p>She didn’t give any indication that she heard him, just drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly and hiding her face.</p><p>Feeling wrong-footed and more than just concerned, he went back to the living room and picked up the vase. It was pretty - crystal - and held no traces of magic at all. Nothing unusual about it. He pulled the note from the center of the bouquet and scanned it.</p><p>‘Darling, I’m not a patient man.’</p><p>There was no signature. Thinking of the things she’d told him about her ex, he resisted the urge to crumple the note in his fist and tucked it back into the vase, carrying it to the kitchen counter, where she wouldn’t be able to see it from the living room. He'd have to get one of the Aurory's technicians to examine it. </p><p>He poured her a glass of water and brought a cool cloth to the bathroom. She trembled and her breath came in short gasps as she tried to hold herself together.</p><p>“Min, you’re having a panic attack. I need you to breathe for me,” he said in a low, soothing voice, setting the glass on the counter and kneeling to press the cloth to her cheek. She flinched from his touch, pale and sweating. He rested his hand on her arm instead, trying to talk her through deeper breaths with little success. </p><p>"Do you have any calming draught?” When she didn’t answer, he spoke a summoning spell, hoping her extra stock would provide what he needed. Relieved when a vial sailed in from the hallway and landed in his palm, he uncorked it, cupping her cheek. “I need you to take this for me, angel,” he murmured, but she looked up at him, her hazel eyes wide as she gave a sharp shake of her head.</p><p>"I can’t, Remus, please, I can't - " The words came out in sobs that broke his heart. There was an acrid, choking fear in her scent.</p><p>“I know. I know you don't like them, but you've got to calm down." She’d had some anxious moments before, but he’d never seen her like this, not even when she got triggered. </p><p>When he lifted the vial to her mouth, she let go of her legs and lashed out at him like a cornered animal, nearly knocking it from his hand. Her movements were frantic, disorganized, so different from her neat efficiency when they sparred or dueled.</p><p>“Don't hurt me, please, I’ll be good - I promise I’ll be good, please don’t make me - “ The sheer terror in her voice and the sightlessness in her eyes told him it was a flashback, the words bringing to mind some of the nightmares that had woken him when they slept together.</p><p><em>I should have pushed more.</em> That was a thought for another time. He didn’t want to restrain her, but she got worse by the second, and she didn’t recognize him at all now. His attempts to calm her with touch or with his voice weren’t working, and she’d been hyperventilating ever since he returned to the bath.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Min.” It was one of her hard limits, but with her agitation he wouldn’t be able to hold her still and get the potion down her. Knowing that didn't stop the guilt from eating at him as he bound her arms and legs with an Incarcerous. He took her face in his hands and she tried to turn away, but he managed to force the potion down and massage her throat as she sobbed wordlessly. “I know, little one. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>He released her the second she swallowed it. She clawed at the tile, trying to get away from him, but there was nowhere else to go in the small room. If he moved back to give her more space, she could injure herself. She was caught in her own private hell, the words almost unrecognizable through her tears as she said, “Just end it this time, make it stop. I can’t anymore. Kill me, please." </p><p>She begged him to kill her for the entire time it took the potion to work. It felt like the longest two minutes of his life, and he knew he would never forget the sound.</p><p>When it began to kick in, she quieted and slumped against the tub with a desolate, resigned look. She was still crying, but her tears slowed and her breathing started to normalize.</p><p>“I’m picking you up now, angel. Just to carry you to your room. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise.” He kept talking to her as he slid an arm under her knees and behind her shoulders, cradling her against his chest.</p><p>By the time he laid her on top of the duvet and removed her shoes, she fell into a restless sleep. He covered her with the throw at the end of the bed, smoothing her hair back from her face, which hadn’t relaxed into the peaceful expression he was used to seeing when he woke up next to her in the morning. Not wanting to risk her stirring if he used the cloth, he cleaned her with his wand and set a ward around the bed to alert him if she thrashed or got up.</p><p>A full vial would knock her out for a couple of hours and dampen her emotions for a few more. Hopefully that would be enough.</p><p>He closed the door and set a silencing spell on the rest of the flat so the noise wouldn’t wake her. Then he pulled out his mobile, firing off a Patronus to warn the recipient to step outside in case of magical interference.</p><p>“Dawlish.”</p><p>“Thank fuck.” He sat down hard on the couch in the living room and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”</p><p>“What’s up? Your Patronus sounded frantic.”</p><p>“I’m at Hermione’s place. Someone’s been stalking her, maybe whoever hurt her before. When we got home, there was a vase of flowers, and she flipped out - full on panic attack, flashbacks, the works.”</p><p>“Damn. You get her calmed down? She say anything that might be helpful?”</p><p>“I got a potion in her and she’s sleeping. She didn’t even recognize me, I couldn’t get her to talk. I’m hoping she’ll be in better shape when she wakes.” He wasn’t looking forward to that conversation, and it was a tricky bet as to whether she’d be willing with an Auror in the room, but there was no way he'd let this go without an investigation. “I need someone to examine the vase and her wards. If there are traces, I don’t want them to fade.“</p><p>“I’ll be right over. You want the cavalry?”</p><p>“Just you and a tech - whoever’s in today who can be tactful and discreet. I don’t want her to wake up to the place crawling with Aurors. And if Weasley gets wind, he’ll bring the entire Burrow down on her. That’s the last thing she needs right now.”</p><p>“Got it, I'll keep it quiet. Macy’s here, I’ll pull her off whatever she’s working. See you in five.”</p><p>Remus planted his elbows on his knees and dropped his face in his hands. John’s familiar burly form popped through Hermione’s brick fireplace a few minutes later, followed by the technician. He stood and rounded the coffee table.</p><p>“Thanks for coming, man. You, too, Mace.”</p><p>“Remus,” she said with a fond punch to his shoulder. She was Hermione’s age, and she dressed in all black with enough facial piercings to set up her own jewelry store. Though people often underestimated her, she was the best at her work. “What are we looking at?”</p><p>He pointed out the spot on the coffee table where the vase had been sitting when they came in. “She asked me to get rid of them before she started having the flashback. I put them in the kitchen.”</p><p>John followed him there to retrieve it. “I know this has got to be a nightmare for you. You hanging in there?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Probably about as well as you would be if - “</p><p>“I guarantee you, you’re calmer than I would be if this happened to Izzy." John laid a hand on his arm. "And that’s a good thing, Remus. Flying off the handle won’t help her right now.”</p><p>“I don’t feel calm."</p><p>“You know I’ve got your back if there’s anything I can do. And I’ll treat it just as carefully as I would if it were Iz.”</p><p>“I know you will.”</p><p>John took the vase and Remus leaned against the sink, blinking back tears. Hermione's coffee cup still sat there from that morning; she must have left in a hurry, probably excited to work on her research. There'd been such joy in her eyes only an hour ago, not knowing she would come home to - to whatever had provoked this waking nightmare.</p><p>Once he collected himself, he sat back down in the living room as Macy prodded him with questions - what time she would have left, when they got back, if anything else was out of place, how Hermione’s wards were set. She examined the vase but found nothing either.</p><p>“I’ll do a thorough ward check,” she said. “This all-Muggle construction or…?”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, she uses magic in the house, second bedroom’s a lab. But there’s none in the building.”</p><p>As the current of Macy's magic snaked through the room, he felt Hermione trip his ward. “Shit. She can’t be up yet, it's barely been 20 minutes. Let me check on her.”</p><p>John nodded as he examined the rest of the living room. It was as much to get a sense of who the victim was as to check for evidence; Remus had seen that look before. The knowledge that Hermione was the victim this time made him feel sick.</p><p>He stepped into the bedroom just as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up, digging into the nightstand with one hand and clutching her wand defensively with the other.</p><p>“Why does it feel like I’ve been run over by a herd of thestrals?” she asked, her words slow and slurring. “I didn’t drink, did I? I never drink. Oh, thank God.” She fished a vial from the top drawer and uncapped it with clumsy fingers.</p><p>“What is that?” he asked, crossing the room in a couple of strides and stilling her hand before she could take the potion.</p><p>“Sober-up. Keep ‘em all over. Just in case. This one’s prob’ly old. Hope it works.” He'd spotted the unlabeled vial when he stayed over and wondered to himself about it, but he suspected she wouldn't be telling him if the draught hadn’t loosened her tongue. “Why’m I high?”</p><p>Her wrist flexed, but he held it. “Wait a second. Do you remember coming home from lunch earlier?“</p><p>The blood drained from her face, and she dropped her wand on the bed to pry his hand away in a rough, frantic movement. She downed the potion in one go and set the empty vial on the nightstand.</p><p>“Fuck. I’m sorry you had to see that,” she muttered a few moments later as her voice and her head started to clear.</p><p>“You needed that calming draught, Min," he said, frustration lacing the concern in his voice. "You still need it. Merlin, how are you even <em>awake</em> right now?”</p><p>She shot him a dark look. “Ample practice resisting the effects of calming draught. If you <em>ever</em> fucking drug me again - “</p><p>“I’m so sorry, angel.” The tone was one she'd never normally take with him, and it hit him how much of a violation it must feel like. He knelt in front of her, covering her hands with his own where they were balled in her lap. “I know you don’t like them, but you had a terrible panic attack, a flashback. You didn’t know who I was or where you were. You were making yourself sick, and I didn't know how else to help you."</p><p>She closed her eyes tightly and sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry you had to see that, sir,” she said again, softer this time. “I’m sorry I scared you.”</p><p>“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” He cupped her cheek, stroking her with his thumb until she opened her eyes. They were bleak, still red-rimmed from her earlier tears. “I know you don’t want to, but we need to talk about what got you so upset. Do you know who sent the flowers?”</p><p>“Yes.” She averted her gaze. “I’m not going to get out of this, am I?”</p><p>“I’m afraid not. Look, I called John Dawlish - we work together, but he runs security for the Sanctuary, too. He’s a good guy.”</p><p>“I remember him from the Order. But I’m not talking to any Aurors, Remus.” She pulled her hand away.</p><p>Remus sighed. He hated having to push her. “It’s a bit late for that, I'm afraid. He and a technician are in the living room. I needed to make sure somebody looked at the ward breach right away.”</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ," she gasped, pressing her hands to her face.</p><p>“Come here.” When he started to put his arms around her, to try to comfort her, she stalled him with her palms against his chest.</p><p>“I - I need you to not touch me right now. Please.” Her voice shook, stiff and pained. It was so different from how she usually was, but he didn’t take it personally.</p><p>“Okay. Of course. Whatever you need.” </p><p>She stood and stepped past him, and he followed her down the hallway, dropping his earlier silencing spells. Macy stood in the middle of the living room, staring at the shimmering results of a ward scan.</p><p>“They did a clean job. I found the breach and I got a trace of a magical signature, but it was tricky. Good thing you called so quick, it almost dissipated. I'll check if it matches any perps on record when we get back.“</p><p>“It won’t,” Hermione said quietly. “Auror Dawlish, good to see you again. I wish it were under different circumstances.”</p><p>“Feeling’s mutual, Healer Granger, but we’re just here to help. And the name’s John.” He stepped away from the bookshelf that spanned one of her walls, smiling warmly.</p><p>“Call me Hermione.” She held out her hand to Macy. “Hermione Granger. Don’t think we’ve met.”</p><p>Macy dropped the spell and shook Hermione’s hand. “Macy Kent. Nice wards you’ve got.”</p><p>“Minus the holes, sure,” she said, drawing a short laugh from the tech. She took one end of the couch and Remus sat next to her, leaving a foot or so of space. John took the chair across from them.</p><p>Macy plucked the note from the bouquet, and Hermione eyed the vase as if it were cursed. “Gonna go see if I can get anything from the handwriting.”</p><p>“Don’t bother. What did he write?”</p><p>Macy handed the note over and she read it, tossing it on the coffee table next to the flowers with a weary shake of her head. “He’s not wrong.”</p><p>“What can you tell us?” John asked, patience incarnate. Remus was grateful for his steady presence; his own patience was waning.</p><p>“It’s from Brian Abbott.”</p><p>Shock flooded him and his eyes snapped to her face, but she was studying her lap. “As in - “</p><p>“Marcus Abbott’s son, yeah.” She said it in the same quiet, resigned voice.</p><p>John glanced from Hermione to Remus. “I know him from the club. Cocky son of a bitch, always rubbed me the wrong way. Never heard any complaints from his subs, though.”</p><p>“You won’t. Even if they were brave enough to try to leave or speak up, given - given everything, he blackmails them. Us, I guess I should say.”</p><p>“He the one who put those scars on your back?” Remus asked, wishing he could take her hand. “And the rest of it?”</p><p>“Yeah.” She looked at him for a moment, her eyes haunted. She dropped her gaze before she continued. “We were - together - from October of ‘98 to December of ‘99, when I left for France. It’s not like me to put up with - “ She clenched her jaw. “I found out the kind of person he was early on, but he’s a good manipulator. If the violence and emotional abuse don’t keep you quiet, the ‘my dad’s Senior Undersecretary, we’re one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, no one will believe you, you’ll be blamed’ speech will. If that’s not enough, he’ll threaten your family. Or use blackmail.”</p><p>“Bloody hell.”</p><p>“Yeah. He couldn't get to my family, and everyone else in my life is too high-profile to target. So a while in, when I wouldn't come back, he showed me the pictures. I was still getting dragged in the papers on a regular basis just for breathing. I was 19 and I’d barely been in a relationship, for fuck’s sake - Viktor in Fourth Year, and those few months with Ron. The thought of everyone seeing that, thinking I wanted it - not just the sex, but the other stuff - " She shook her head and pulled his cardigan tighter around herself, as if she wanted to drown in it. "I caved. God, I’m so stupid. I know he’s still doing it, but between that and the fear of - of him killing me, or hurting one of the other girls - I hate myself for being a coward.”</p><p>The self-loathing and shame in her words made his heart ache. The post-war coverage had been a double-edged sword, with a couple of reporters picking up where Rita Skeeter had left off, and they hadn’t been kind after her breakup with Ron. And with her anger over the war and her distaste for attention, even the more flattering articles grated on her.</p><p>“None of that is your fault,” John said gently. She didn’t respond, her eyes still downcast. “Do you know how he got them?”</p><p>“The pictures?” At his nod, she said, “I never consented to him taking any, if that’s what you’re asking, but when I wouldn’t - “ She broke off, swallowing hard and taking a shaky breath. “Whenever I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d drug me. I got addicted at first, but eventually I taught myself to resist the potions. It backfired with dreamless, but the others don’t hit as hard and wear off more quickly. He had plenty of chances, though.”</p><p>Remus’s hand clenched against his thigh as some of the pieces slid into place - her flashback, her hatred of potions, Theo's comments about her work. Her admission to stashing sober-up everywhere told him how much fear she still lived with. Horrified, he whispered, “I’m so sorry, Min. I didn’t mean  - “</p><p>“Don’t.” She reached to uncurl his fist, hesitating a moment before interlacing her fingers with his. “You were trying to help. You didn’t know. I didn’t want you to know.”</p><p>“I should have pushed more, before.”</p><p>“I'm glad you didn’t. I’d have asked you to leave, and I would have regretted it. But I wasn’t ready to talk about it.” She shrugged one shoulder. “I’m still not ready, but he’s not going to stop, so...."</p><p>“How did it end?” John asked.</p><p>“I called his bluff. I went to France and laid low so that if it did blow up, at least I wouldn’t be in the middle. He harassed me for a while, but when he didn’t go to the papers or come after me, I hoped he’d moved on. Now I think he was just waiting for me to let my guard down. I tried to keep my return quiet, but - oh, goddammit.” She pinched the bridge of her nose.</p><p>“What is it?” Remus asked.</p><p>She inhaled sharply and looked up at the ceiling for a second before she spoke. “I treated one of the other girls at the hospital a couple of months ago. He was still hurting her, but she wouldn't try to leave again.” Glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, she said, “I didn't have to report because she’s an adult, and I was scared, so I didn't push. Sabine wanted me to talk to you, but - "</p><p>“Shh, angel. I’m not upset with you.” He squeezed her hand. “Do you think she told him?”</p><p>“No. If she did, she did it to save her own skin, and I wouldn't blame her. But it could have just been Ministry gossip, or maybe Neville and Hannah heard I was back, it’s not like I swore anyone to secrecy.”</p><p>“We need to talk about what happens next,” John said. “Would you be willing to give a statement? To testify against him in a trial?”</p><p>She tensed and he rubbed her knuckles. “Do I have to?”</p><p>“It’s your choice, and no one would blame you for saying no. I hate that I have to ask. But I’m obligated to investigate, and I'm not likely to succeed without your help if it goes to trial. I’ll also need to blacklist him from the club.”</p><p>“The minute he gets wind of any of it - that’s it. The only question is whether he’ll kill me or go to the papers first.” The certainty in her voice chilled Remus. “I got lucky when I went to France, but he won’t hesitate once he knows there’s no chance I’ll return, that I’ll expose him. A protection order won’t be worth the parchment.”</p><p>“I can’t make that fear go away, but I can give you protection and try to detain him quickly. We’ve been pushing for more authority to intervene with the press in these kinds of cases, too - I can get Kingsley on board to put a stop to anything being published about you without review. We can’t prevent them from covering the investigation, but they’ll have to keep your identity anonymous until the trial.”</p><p>“He can still go after my job. And the Wizengamot - they’ll find out everything, and the legislation I’m writing - “</p><p>“Fuck the reforms,” Remus growled. “I know how important your work is, Min. Believe me, I know. But you matter more than any of that.”</p><p>She gave a slight nod, still studying her lap. “I know I’m being difficult - “</p><p>“You’re not,” John assured her. “I want you to be as comfortable with your decision as possible. What other concerns do you have?”</p><p>“What about his father? Can they try to buy their way out of it? And even if they can’t, what are our chances, really?” She searched John's face as she looked up. “Before I decided to leave, I dug through the old cases on public record, and - I mean, Muggles are terrible about this, but wizards are so much worse. Some went to trial, few were found guilty, almost none got any real time. I’ve read the transcripts, the victims’ testimonies were brutal.”</p><p>“I don’t know his father well enough to say, but I know Kingsley will make sure he doesn’t interfere. And the Wizengamot’s less corrupt than it once was." John rubbed the back of his neck. "I’m not going to lie to you, though, the trial won’t be easy. If we could use your memories, that would help. And I can ask around to see if any of the other victims will come forward - with the same deal, protection from him and from the press.”</p><p>“Won’t they just claim my memories have been altered?”</p><p>“They can try, but our verification methods are difficult to fool, and the court knows that. And it’s a matter of building the whole case - alone, your memories might not be enough, but with your scars, cutting through your wards - Macy snagged the signature, we can try to match it. It’s not a guarantee, but the odds aren't bad.”</p><p>Remus felt a rush of relief as she said, “Okay. I - I’ll help.” </p><p>“Thank you, Hermione. I’ll talk to Kingsley today. We’ll have to talk more about what happened and do the memory retrieval as soon as possible. And you should think about getting representation. It’s not quite the same as in Muggle court - the Ministry will have someone to speak for the investigation, but you have the right to coordinate your own testimony and some of the witnesses. I can recommend someone if you’d like.” At her nod, he said, “I’d suggest Draco Malfoy.”</p><p>“Seriously?”</p><p>“He’s represented a number of similar cases, with a few convictions. Best track record of late, given the issues we just talked about, and he’s involved in the lifestyle, so he'll be sensitive to that aspect. And - though I hate that this is even a concern - the fact that his family is also one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight will work in your favor when they pull the old money and blood status card. The Wizengamot may have improved when it comes to bribes, but they’re still a cesspool of prejudice.”</p><p>“He and I talk every now and then," Remus said. “It’s not a bad idea.”</p><p>“If you say so. I’ll owl him tomorrow.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it. I’ll reach out to him today and tell him to contact you. Is it okay if I send him your number? He can owl you at Remus’s, if that’d be better.”</p><p>“Thanks, but I - “</p><p>"You’re staying with me. Don’t argue," Remus said with a stern look. He turned to John. “I’ll text you her number. Reassign me to lead her protection. Someone else can cover most of my classes.”</p><p>“That was the plan. Who do you want as backup? Tonks?”</p><p>“Would you rather her or a stranger?" he asked Hermione. "I know how hard it is for you, but she’s eventually going to hear either way.”</p><p>“I’d feel better with Dora. I don’t know how I’m going to tell them, though - and Ron’ll find out - “ Her voice shook and she unconsciously touched the pendant on her collar.</p><p>“Shh, don’t worry about that right now.” He’d left Ron off the list of suggestions because he was too hotheaded, and Remus didn’t think they’d smoothed things over yet since their confrontation at Christmas. With the nature of the abuse, she'd be anxious about that conversation.</p><p>“I’ve taken enough of your time for now.” John came around the table and patted her shoulder. She offered him a half-smile. “You’re doing the right thing, hon.” </p><p>“She always does.” Remus stood and gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, man. I’ll let you know about her statement and the memory retrieval tomorrow. Take care, Mace.”</p><p>“Yeah, you, too. I’m here if you need anything.”</p><p>They stepped through the Floo and Hermione stood from the couch, her face unreadable as she walked past him down the hallway. He heard her in the bedroom gathering her things, but he hesitated a minute. His emotions were still a tangle, no matter how much he tried to use his Occlumency skills to organize his mind. He was well out of his depth, and unsure of how to regain his footing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Content warning for non-graphic discussion of Hermione's past abuse, as well as a detailed panic attack/flashback scene (with well-intentioned violation of Hermione's limits). The idea of Aurors using Legilimency in investigations was inspired by Father Mine by Emmaficready.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. pain's a well-intentioned weatherman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I totally hit publish when I meant to save as draft, but here you go! (Awkward. At least it was finished! Please don't hate me for spamming your email.) </p><p>Lyrics in the chapter are from Mary by Patty Griffin.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>All I want is to flip a switch</em><br/>
<em>Before something breaks that cannot be fixed</em><br/>
<em>I know, I know the sirens sound</em><br/>
<em>Just before the walls come down</em><br/>
<em>Pain's a well-intentioned weatherman</em><br/>
<em>Predicting God as best he can</em><br/>
<em>But God, I want to feel again</em>
</p><p>Sleeping at Last, "Touch"</p><p>Friday, January 14, 2005</p><p>Remus watched Hermione pack from his perch on the edge of her bed after his attempts to help were rebuffed. The silence got to him by the time she was nearly done, and when she returned from the bath, he said, "Min, talk to me. Please."</p><p>She set the jars in her hands on the nightstand, meeting his eyes and wrapping her arms around herself. Her voice held the sharp edge of anxiety. "You can't drug me again. If I'm severely injured, then only as much pain potion as you have to. But you can't give me calming or dreamless. You have to promise me, Remus."</p><p>"I won't. I'm so sorry, angel - for the spell, too. I - " </p><p>"It's okay. You didn't know." </p><p>He doubted that it was okay, but he hoped he would be able to repair whatever trust he'd broken. Though well-intentioned, he realized his actions triggered and probably worsened her flashback. </p><p>She answered his unspoken fear. "That was the first time that's happened in a long time, and I know it must have been awful. I hope it won't happen again, but if it does, the best thing you can do is try to talk me through it, and hold me if I'll let you."</p><p>"Alright." As she averted her gaze, clenching her hands, he asked, "What is it?"</p><p>"I don't - " She inhaled sharply and looked up for a moment. "It's just - this is what I was afraid of. This is why I couldn't tell you."</p><p>"Because I'd have it investigated?" he asked, trying to keep the disbelief from his voice. "I know it's going to be hard, but the alternative - " </p><p>She shook her head and gave him a sad half-smile, like she knew something he didn't. "Remus, how many abuse or rape cases have you done Legilimency for?"</p><p>He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Maybe 20."</p><p>"And how many with a female victim over the age of - let's say 12 - led to a conviction? How many of those convictions got sentences longer than two years?"</p><p>"That's not the point, Min." Her cynicism about wizarding society was well-earned, but it clouded her judgment.</p><p>"That's exactly the point. I've weighed the pros and cons for a long time. I didn't want to move away, and the guilt of not doing anything about it - " She sighed and shook her head. "Even if John's right and they can keep him from coming after me or the others until the trial, the chances of it going anywhere are not good. I'm not a good victim."</p><p>"That's ridiculous. Your reputation - "</p><p>"You need to worry about <em>your</em> reputation. It's going to blow back on you once my name gets out."</p><p>"Do you honestly think I give a fuck about that?" he growled. "Someone hurt you. Your <em>life</em> is in danger, Hermione. And this isn't a he-said, she-said situation - don't get me wrong, those cases deserve justice, too, but they're not going to be able to just dismiss what happened to you."</p><p>"What happened to me doesn't matter," she said flatly. "You're looking at this from the perspective of - of someone who cares about me. You're not being objective."</p><p>His jaw clenched. "How am I supposed to look at it, then?"</p><p>She hesitated briefly, then spoke with quiet detachment. "Brian Abbott is a young, wealthy, white pureblood man with a promising future. I'm an Asian Muggleborn woman. A former drug addict and alcoholic with mental health issues and - well, questionable sexual proclivities."</p><p>"You're a war heroine and a respected Healer with an Order of Merlin. Min, I know you don't trust the system, but - "</p><p>"Maybe, but that's not what they'll focus on. They'll pick apart everything I've ever done to punish me for speaking up." Where anger and frustration coursed through him, she was still quiet. Resigned. "He has a type for a reason - Muggleborns, girls from poor halfblood families. His threats about what would happen if we spoke up were effective because they're mostly true."</p><p>He wasn't entirely ignorant, and had been through his own share of discrimination, though it wasn't the same. But other than her first notes to him, she never spoke directly about the racism she'd experienced. And he'd known in the abstract that blood prejudice and sexism would play a role, but with some discomfort, it hit him that he hadn't given any of it enough consideration.</p><p>"You're right. I don't understand that part, but I want to," he said, more gently. "And I'm sorry. I know this must feel like betrayal, being forced to report it. But what else could I have done, Min?"</p><p>She held his gaze, searching his face. "You don't get it, do you? I had good reasons for not reporting, but the reason I didn't tell you was because I knew this, all of it, would tear you apart. And for what? He might get a few years, if we're lucky." She looked down and her voice broke, small and shaking. "I'm not mad at you, Daddy. I - I'm scared."</p><p>It took a second for the first part of what she said to sink in. When it did, he reached for her hand and pulled her into his lap, his anger forgotten. "Shh, angel. It's not your job to protect me, okay? And I know it'll be difficult, but I promise that I'm not going to let anything happen to you."</p><p>Her earlier stiffness gave way as she buried her face in his neck. He ran a tender hand through her curls, murmuring quiet reassurance.</p><p>He was scared, too. Of how much more pain she'd have to go through, of the stark reality that there were so many things he couldn't protect her from. Of what could happen if the trial didn't go well. But taking care of her always made him feel stronger, more capable, and that gave him faith that they could figure the rest out.</p><p>He held her for a while and then she let him help her finish packing. When they got back to his place, he strengthened his wards while she took a shower and changed into one of his t-shirts and a pair of cotton trousers. He reluctantly left her on the couch in the living room while he cooked. </p><p>He’d just gotten all the vegetables chopped and simmering in broth on the stove when the sound of her guitar filtered into the kitchen, followed by the clarion sweetness of her voice.</p><p>
  <em>Mary, you’re covered in roses, you’re covered in ashes</em><br/>
<em>You’re covered in rain</em><br/>
<em>You’re covered in babies, covered in slashes</em><br/>
<em>Covered in wilderness, covered in stains</em><br/>
<em>You cast aside the sheets, you cast aside the shroud</em><br/>
<em>Of another man who served the world proud</em><br/>
<em>You greet another son and you lose another one</em><br/>
<em>On some sunny day, and always you stay Mary</em>
</p><p>He shared her fondness for Muggle music; he'd heard the Patty Griffin song before, but not like this. The chords were simple, but she poured such emotion into the words.</p><p>He stood in the doorway between the dining room and the living room, leaning against the frame and watching her as she watched the path of her hand along the frets. Her voice lifted, still colored by her earlier tears.</p><p>
  <em>And Jesus said, ‘Mother, I couldn’t stay another day longer’</em><br/>
<em>He flies right by and leaves a kiss upon her face</em><br/>
<em>While the angels are singing his praises in a blaze of glory</em><br/>
<em>Mary stays behind and starts cleaning up the place</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, Mary, you’re covered in roses, you’re covered in ruins</em><br/>
<em>You’re covered in secrets</em><br/>
<em>You’re covered in treetops, covered in birds</em><br/>
<em>Who can sing a million songs without any words</em><br/>
<em>You cast aside the sheets, you cast aside the shroud</em><br/>
<em>Of another man who served the world proud</em><br/>
<em>You greet another son and you lose another one</em><br/>
<em>On some sunny day, and always you stay, always you stay Mary</em>
</p><p>The last line came out in a whisper. She propped the guitar against the couch and came to him, touching his damp cheek. “I didn’t mean to make you sad, Daddy.”</p><p>“I’m sad for you, not because of you, little one. Your singing was lovely, it always is. Thank you for letting me listen.”</p><p>He would have supported whatever reaction she had, but he was grateful she trusted him enough to lean into their dynamic despite all that had happened - that she still felt safe enough to do so. He covered her hand with his own and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead.</p><p>She brushed the tears from his cheeks the way he often did for her and he led her into the kitchen. He set her on the counter, keeping hold of her hand for most of the time it took him to finish cooking. They ate in silence, and by the time they were done, one of the Aurors John had assigned to her protection detail showed up to work the night. She got the lay of the place and set some additional spells. Remus offered her the spare room upstairs, but she opted to stay outside for a while.</p><p>Once that was settled, Hermione laid down on the couch in the living room with her head in his lap while he read to her. About an hour into reading, he combed a hand through her curls, petting her. “Still awake down there?”</p><p>“Yes, sir. Thank you for reading to me. And for - for everything.”</p><p>“Of course, baby girl.” </p><p>When he trailed his fingertips along her cheek and jaw, she nuzzled his hand. “Can you tell me how the memory thing works? And what else I’ll have to do?”</p><p>He sighed. Her eyes were closed, but the lines of tension around her mouth told him how anxious she was. “A Legilimens will enter your mind to view your memories from that year, the ones connected to what happened. Then they’ll take the memories from their own mind to go into a Pensieve. The memories will be reviewed by one or two of the Aurors on your case and the representatives in the trial - so Draco and whoever is leading for Abbott and the other victims. Sometimes expert witnesses, too. The Wizengamot has access, but they usually just take the summary from the Ministry.”</p><p>“Do they have to see all of it? Do I have to - to think about everything? And answer questions?” Her small voice wrenched his heart. </p><p>“We can do the memories first and they can review them so that will fill in some blanks. Then the questions may not be so hard. The Legilimens will need to go through as much as you can remember, and it will be difficult, but that part should only last four or five hours.” </p><p>He tangled his fingers with hers, interlacing their hands over her heart. There was nothing ‘only’ about it - it would probably be some of the longest hours of her life.</p><p>“Okay. Do I get to choose who does it?”</p><p>“If you’d like. I don’t think you know any of the others besides John. There’s one woman, if that would make you more comfortable. I think it would be best for me to do it, though.”</p><p>“No.” </p><p>“Angel - “</p><p>“This hurts you enough already. I - I’ve hurt you enough already. And I’m so ashamed, Remus. I don’t want you to see. I couldn’t b - bear it.” She swallowed hard and rolled onto her side, hiding her face against his stomach.</p><p>“Min, I won’t think any differently of you. I couldn't.” He frowned, reminded of her fear when she told him about her parents. “I do hurt for you, and I'm angry at the person who did this to you, but that’s not your fault or your responsibility. And I can set it aside to do this.”</p><p>The fragile shake of her shoulders told him she was crying. He could barely make out her words between the muffle of his shirt and the pain in her tears. “It’s awful. What he did to me, what I did - it was - “ She broke off with a sob. “You - you won’t want to be with me anymore.”</p><p>“Shh, little one.” He gently took her arms and gathered her up to sit on his lap, cradling her head to his shoulder. She pressed her face to his neck as he rubbed her back. “I swear that won’t happen, Hermione. Do you hear me? Nothing that’s happened to you and nothing you’ve done will change how I feel about you. You’re not damaged or broken or any of the other things you tell yourself. That’s his shame. Not yours.”</p><p>It took a while, but once she calmed, he cleaned her face with a spell, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. She still clung to him, not looking up.</p><p>“Do you remember what I told you about Sirius?" At her nod, he said, “I did this for him when he got out of Azkaban. It wasn’t easy for either of us, but his memories are one of the reasons Kingsley was able to push for justice reform after the war. And not one single awful thing I saw made me love him or want him any less.”</p><p>He hugged her close. “We will back off in whatever way you need for as long as you need, because this is going to be beyond stressful and triggering for you. But I’ll still want to be with you, angel. No matter what.”</p><p>"Are you sure?" she whispered, biting her lip.</p><p>He slid a finger under her chin, nudging her to lift her head and meet his eyes. “I’ve kept it to myself because I know how you are about the ‘feelings thing,’ as you put it. But you need to know that I love you, Hermione Granger.” Her breath stuttered, but he was relieved when she didn’t look away. “I’m wildly, ridiculously in love with you. And you’re the most desirable woman I know, but that word barely scratches the surface of what you mean to me.” </p><p>A blush bloomed on her cheeks and he chuckled, brushing her tears away and resting his forehead against hers. “You don’t need to say anything.”</p><p>“But I do love you, Remus." She took his hand again, squeezing it. “So much that it scares me sometimes. I don’t want to mess this up.”</p><p>His heart felt far too big for his chest, and his lips curved as he rubbed his thumb across her palm. “It’s okay to be scared. You won’t mess up. You’re my brave girl, Min, and I admire you for that, but you don’t have to carry it by yourself.” His fingertips grazed the caged black pearl nestled at her throat. “You’re mine, aren’t you?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” She offered him the first real smile she had since lunch, and he had to breathe through a wave of emotion as his throat constricted for a moment.</p><p>“That’s not going to change, baby girl. I’ll understand if you don’t want me to do it. But do you remember how I said there are ways to make it a little easier?” When she gave a slight nod, he said, “I can show you now. I won’t look at anything without your permission, I just want you to see what it feels like, okay?”</p><p>“'Kay.”</p><p>“I know you’ve got some skill with shielding, but I want you to relax and let me in. It’ll be easier that way.”</p><p>She nodded again, and as he dipped into her thoughts, he found himself knee deep in swirling water. Mind-Hermione reached for him and he took her hand.</p><p>“This is weird. It’s like - I can feel you holding me, still, but it also feels so real that we’re standing here and I’m holding your hand.”</p><p>“It’s a bit like having double vision,” he said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “Do you always conceptualize your mind this way?” He could feel a quiet snarl of her emotions and thoughts coloring the air around them, and he suspected the waters churned when they were heightened. Silver threads of memory eddied through the river.</p><p>“I tried making a library or something more organized, but I could never get it to work right.” </p><p>“Some people are more in touch with their thoughts, and others are more intuitive, more in touch with their emotions. This way is easier if you fall into that category.” He tapped her nose, amused by her irritation. “I know how much you like to stay in your brilliant head, how much you want to close yourself off, and I understand more now the reason for it. But you’re not bad with feelings, angel. That’s what comes naturally to you. It’s a good thing.”</p><p>“If you say so.”</p><p>“You can’t close your eyes while we’re doing this, but I want you to focus on what you feel, okay?” </p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>He brought to mind what he felt for her - a rush of love, adoration, desire, protectiveness, care, awe. It flooded the space around them, and he knew her physical sensations would be mirroring his own.</p><p>“Oh - “ She breathed a soft gasp and instinctively moved closer to him. He cupped her cheek so she wouldn’t break eye contact where she sat in his lap. She trembled with the intensity of it. “Wow.”</p><p>“I can anchor you like this and it’ll be more effective, I hope, because of our connection. I won’t lie, it’s still going to be very hard, but you won’t be alone. If you want, you can think of a memory that’s not too upsetting, something more recent, just so you can see what it’s like.”</p><p>A thread of memory tugged at them, pulling them into her bedroom the first night he slept over. He watched the events the way he always did, but because of her nature, her feelings were the most salient part - anxiety like sandpaper beneath her skin as she dropped the glamor, numbness and pain when he questioned her about her scars. The knot of self-loathing and fear that kept her quiet. They passed through the memory quickly, emerging back in the river.</p><p>“How was that?”</p><p>A flicker of hope lit her face. “I still remembered it all, but less intensely. You were like a shield, or a cocoon, maybe. It wasn’t as bad.”</p><p>“Good. I’m hoping that will make it better than doing it with someone you don’t know. The memories move quickly in retrieval, so we can condense it as much as possible. And we can take breaks, but it needs to be done in the same sitting.”</p><p>“Okay. I - I’ll let you do it.” In her mind, she leaned into him again, wrapping her arms around him. “Is there a way I can show you how I feel about you? Like what you did for me?”</p><p>“Yes,” he said with a smile. “Whatever you’re feeling naturally rises to the surface, it’s just muted unless you’re focused on it. Keep it in the front of your mind.”</p><p>A second later, he felt such an intense flood that it sucked the air out of him. A mirror of the love and desire he felt for her, but also gratitude and a deep, abiding devotion. He could sense the belonging and rightness she felt in being his all the way to his bones.</p><p>“Oh, angel.”</p><p>“I’m making you cry again.” She rested her hand against his cheek.</p><p>“Good tears, little one.” He let his emotions mingle with hers as he held her. “I want you to remember this, okay? Whenever you’re sad or scared, remember that you’re mine and I love you, and that I’ll always take care of you.”</p><p>“I love you, too.” She held his gaze, her smile reaching her eyes, and when he withdrew from her thoughts and settled fully into his own skin, she was still smiling. She tucked her head to his shoulder and he stroked her hair, relieved to see comfort overcome the pain and fear for now.</p><p>It would be difficult, but she'd make it through this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm claiming this chapter for r/fanfiction trope bingo - 'love confession.'</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. be still and know that i'm with you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This will probably be the darkest chapter, and earns the warnings; read at your own risk. Specifics in end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>When darkness comes upon you</em><br/>
<em>And colors you with fear and shame</em><br/>
<em>Be still and know that I'm with you</em><br/>
<em>And I will say your name</em><br/>
<em>And when you go through the valley</em><br/>
<em>And the shadow comes down from the hill</em><br/>
<em>If morning never comes to be</em><br/>
<em>Be still, be still, be still</em>
</p><p>The Fray, "Be Still"</p><p>Sunday, January 16, 2005</p><p>"Are you sure you want to do this?"</p><p>"Are we seriously having this conversation right now?" Remus hissed, raking a frustrated hand through his hair. "You promised me it wouldn't compromise the investigation."</p><p>"It won't. The authentication process will make your personal involvement a non-issue, as long as you can keep the integrity of the memories when you withdraw them. But Remus - " John hesitated.</p><p>"He's inquiring into your mental state," Draco supplied dryly. "Because he'd lose his shit if he tried to do a retrieval like this for Isobel, and I know I would if it were Story in there." Though he didn't work for the department, his past training in the mind arts and his involvement in similar cases gave him a clearer understanding of the process than most.</p><p>"And the focus required for the extraction to the Pensieve - "</p><p>Remus interrupted John, his voice firm. "There's no way I'm putting her through this with a stranger. I'll deal."</p><p>They filed into the room, Remus taking the seat next to Hermione as John stood against the wall. He was grateful it wasn't as sterile as some of the others, in an attempt to put victims at ease - the chairs were more comfortable and the lighting less harsh, and a small couch sat in one corner. </p><p>Hermione stood to shake Draco's hand before he sat across from them. “Thanks for doing this, Malfoy,” she said, giving him a tight smile. “I know we’ve had our differences, but - “</p><p>“My name’s Draco.” His own smile was kind enough. “’Had our differences’ is a polite way to say I was an absolute ass. I’m still an ass, if I’m honest. But you should know that I’m not just here as a favor to these two, or because you testified for me. I want to help.”</p><p>“Thank you. To be fair, I gave at least half as good as I got when we were kids.”</p><p>“Yeah, that right hook’s a bitch,” Draco shot back with a grin.</p><p>She snorted, drawing a couple of chuckles, then took a deep breath. “Okay. Someone walk me through this? Not the memory part, but - what’s the rest look like?”</p><p>“You won’t need to do anything else today, but Draco and I will review your memories and I’ll have you come in for questions tomorrow or Tuesday,” John spoke up. “We plan to secure an order to remand Abbott to the Ministry jail until trial after that, given the concerns for your safety. And if we call him in and his wand’s a match, all the better.”</p><p>“There’s a chance he had someone else cut my wards,” she said, a nervous edge to her voice. “He’s great at manipulation, but spell work’s not his strong suit, and - and he doesn’t always work alone.”</p><p>“I’d like you to think back to anyone else you know who was involved - his friends, accomplices. The other girls you remember, too. I want to reach out to his other victims, and if he didn’t cut your wards, we can get started on finding who helped him. But don’t worry about that right now, alright?”</p><p>At her nod, Draco cut in. “Once we’ve got a protection order and the assurance that he’ll be locked up for the interim, the Aurors will bring him in. We’ll collect what other evidence we can and work on our strategy while we wait for the trial date - they’ll set it four to six weeks out at most. The trial should take less than a week.”</p><p>“That’s quick. Will you have enough time?”</p><p>Draco and John shared a glance, and John said, “Normally, we’d be further along in gathering evidence before the arrest, but this will do. We’ll work longer hours and pull in more people if we have to, but I’m not going to give him the chance to try anything.”</p><p>“Thank you. Both of you.” </p><p>“You’re helping us put him away, Hermione. I'm the one who owes you a debt." John gave a slight smile. "I’ll send in Tonks so you all can get started.”</p><p>“Procedure requires a woman in the room,” Remus explained, facing Hermione and taking her hands in his own. “They’re only here to observe. And there aren’t any monitoring spells, so I don’t want you to worry about that. It’s just us."</p><p>Dora walked in and patted her shoulder before taking a seat. She’d been clued in about the investigation, but Hermione hadn’t felt up to talking to anyone yet.</p><p>"Do you remember what we talked about?” He took her hands, running his thumbs over her knuckles as she met his eyes and nodded. “Just focus on me, angel. I’ll set a spell that will make the eye contact less uncomfortable - you can blink, and we’ll take breaks, but if you need to stop before then you tell me, okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir. I’m ready.”</p><p>The tight, tense coil of her anxiety surrounded them when he settled in her mind, the river churning more than before. He kept stroking her hands where they were still clasped with his in their physical form, and she tucked herself against his side in her mind as he called up his feelings for her the way he had the previous time. </p><p>It calmed her, but that wouldn’t last for long. He only hoped it’d be enough to help her stay together until they were through.</p><p>“I want you to think of the first time you met. I should be able to follow the threads from there.” He felt mind-Hermione nod, hiding her face as he was surrounded in a memory of one of her earlier visits to the Sanctuary with a friend from her apprenticeship program.</p><p>Her earliest memories were ordinary, cohesive, but as he watched the events unfold in her first month or so of dating Abbott, that changed. The mind naturally wanted to make sense and create story from the past, but traumatic memory was fragmented in a way that prevented it, a chaotic mess of thoughts and feelings and somatic imprint. A skilled Legilimens could render it organized enough to be extracted into a Pensieve so that it could be viewed from a more neutral, third-party perspective, stripped of much of its emotional residue.</p><p>Remus spotted the red flags that Hermione's inexperience led her to overlook. Abbott consistently tried to push her boundaries in small ways and used that inexperience to make her feel as if she were in the wrong for questioning him. It made his heart ache to watch the same innocence, eagerness, and devotion that he adored be turned against her when the man insisted on going further with sadomasochism or sex than she was comfortable. </p><p>Some things, like objectification or heavy sadism, plenty of people did enjoy - some were things he'd done with others in the past, even. But it was clear that she sometimes didn’t, and her reluctance was dismissed or punished. The relationship quickly grew more serious; she was held to a high level of protocol all of the time, rare and impractical even in total power exchange, and beaten heavily for the smallest infraction. When she tried to use a safe word or assert limits, he would be cold towards her in order to make her feel guilty. </p><p>Hermione was - as Remus had guessed early on - the kind of submissive who would take as much as she could bear to please someone before she would assert her wants and boundaries. And what she’d endured in the war gave her a high tolerance for suffering and misery. She was outspoken and self-assured in so many other areas of her life, but balancing that with her perfectionism and her deep drive to submit was an impossible task when the person she relied on for direction kept telling her her feelings and needs were unreasonable. And on the few occasions Abbott took her to the club, he isolated her from meeting people who would have been better influences or who might have noticed something was wrong.</p><p>Through the first couple of breaks, she seemed to be managing alright. But as they reached the point when she worked up the courage to protest louder and try to leave and he beat her bloody and raped her for it, tears ran down her cheeks. She went from holding Remus’s hands to clutching them. He found himself grateful he’d foregone breakfast, because the knot of fury and sorrow in his gut crowded out everything else. </p><p>She’d been so thoroughly groomed and gaslit that the primary emotions that colored her memories in the aftermath were aimed towards herself - self-loathing, criticism, uncertainty over whether she could trust her own perceptions. The more she trusted herself and spoke up, the worse the violence and threats became. Even her orgasms were torture - he would punish her for coming without permission by forcing a vibrator on her until she was screaming in pain, then use her body’s reactions to justify to her that no one would believe she didn’t want it.</p><p>She healed herself when she could. Abbott sometimes healed her, though not well. When he mentioned doing so to maintain the working order of his toy, such violent rage coursed through Remus that he almost lost focus on anchoring her or capturing the events. Retrieval always provoked intense emotion, but usually he was good at compartmentalizing and processing that in other ways once the session was done, even with the most difficult cases.</p><p>This time was different, and not just because of who she was to him. The level of violence she’d endured was the closest thing to evil he could imagine after what he’d seen in the war. Abbott would have fit right in as a Death Eater.</p><p>A little over two hours in, he was on the verge of suggesting another break when they were pulled into the next memory. Hermione’s clutch had slowly grown to a death grip over the last several minutes, and she went from silent tears to open sobbing. He wanted to get it over with before he let her rest, to avoid having to return to it, but when they got to the point when another potion was forced down her, she tore her gaze from his with a keening sound that ripped at him.</p><p>“I can’t.” The words were almost unrecognizable through her anguished sobs, but he pulled her shaking body into his lap, not caring that they weren’t alone. If they had to have witnesses, at least Dora and Draco cared and had some understanding of their relationship.</p><p>“Shh, angel. We’ll take a break. I know it’s hard. I’m so sorry.” <em>‘Hard’ is the most inadequate goddamn word in the English language. </em></p><p>He nodded to the others to step out of the room, holding her close and murmuring reassurance to her as she cried herself out over several long minutes. When her tears slowed, he cleaned her with a spell and carried her to the couch, settling her more comfortably in his lap.</p><p>“I - I can’t do this, Remus. I’m not strong enough.” She tucked her head to his shoulder, her voice trembling. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You’re the strongest person I know, Min, and you shouldn’t have to be," he said, carding a gentle hand through her raven-dark curls. He'd believed it before, but the last two hours had given him a new understanding. “This is an impossible thing to ask of anyone.”</p><p>“What happens if we stop?”</p><p>Offering to do it had been the right decision, but knowing that it would have been more difficult with someone else didn’t stop him from feeling guilty for being the one to force her to relive so much pain. “We can try to do the rest on a different day, but it will be worse on you to drag it out. If you decide not to, what we’ve got so far will be helpful, but....”</p><p>“But it’s not enough,” she finished flatly. “We haven’t gotten to the blackmail, or the worst of - of the other things.”</p><p>“There’s a chance that with the other evidence it could be enough, if more victims come forward."</p><p>"Not a good one."</p><p>He sighed. "No, not a good one. I'm so sorry, little one. No one would fault you for stopping." That was the truth, but she would take more guilt onto herself than anyone else ever could, however unjustified. No amount of reassurance could stop that.</p><p>She stayed silent for a few minutes, then she took a deep breath and lifted her head, meeting his eyes. “As impossible as it is for me, it’s horrific for you. And you were right, I wouldn’t have lasted past the first hour with anyone else. If - if you can bear it for my sake, then I can try.”</p><p>He blinked back the tears that pricked at his eyes, taking her face in his hands and pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead. “My brave, sweet girl.”</p><p>“How much longer?”</p><p>“That last memory, when we stopped, do you know what month it took place?” He didn't pay close attention to time during the process; John would dissect them later to try and date them using contextual clues along with whatever she could recall during questioning. </p><p>She swallowed hard and looked down. “The night of Saturday, June 19, 1999. It’s one of the few I can date exactly.”</p><p>“An hour and a half or so. We can take more frequent breaks - “</p><p>“No.” She clenched her hands for a moment. “No breaks. I won’t be able to start again. Just don’t - don’t let me stop. And - “ She bit her lip.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Can you keep holding me, sir? Please?” </p><p>“Of course, little one.” He brushed his lips to her temple, opening the door with a quick spell, relieved to see the others waiting. Dora brought her a fresh glass of water and a cool, damp flannel.</p><p>“Thanks,” Hermione whispered, reaching for the other woman’s hand and giving it a squeeze.</p><p>“’Course, Min.” Dora shot her a small smile and took a seat at the table again with Draco, both of them acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary.</p><p>She downed half of the glass and then offered it to him; he took a sip and levitated it to the table. Then she met his eyes with a slight, determined nod. “Okay.”</p><p>He kept one arm wrapped around her and rested his palm against her cheek - to comfort her and to fulfill his promise, though he knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself to force her to keep going if it came to that. When he settled into her mind this time, her present emotions were quieter than before. She couldn’t properly shield during the retrieval, but he could tell how desperate she was to distance herself. He focused on his own emotions again and let them embrace her.</p><p>“Whenever you’re ready, angel.”</p><p>The same memory surrounded them in a fraction of a second, and he paid closer attention this time because of her reaction. It had a similar beginning to many of the others - her in lingerie and heels, made up like a doll and bound in an Incarcerous in Abbott's stereotypically dark dungeon, him pouring a potion down her throat.</p><p>She was drugged so often it had become clear that getting her addicted was as much the goal as incapacitating her, to keep her trapped and demoralized. Abbott also seemed to prefer her awake most of the time; he used calming the most, in doses where she'd be too disoriented to resist but still conscious enough to suffer. Occasionally he misjudged and there'd be gaps in her memory where she lost consciousness.</p><p>This time she didn’t, not at first. Remus’s blood turned to ice when he saw two other men enter. Her memory self was still aware enough to panic and beg, though weak and slurring. She struggled against the Incarcerous, and that amused them until a burst of accidental magic broke the spell and she nearly managed to reach the door. One of them caught her, provoking a choking wave of despair.</p><p>“I see you haven’t learned anything, pet.”</p><p>Abbott continued in the same cruel tone, detailing exactly what would happen to her. While he did that, one of the other men put a bit gag in her mouth and strapped her face-down to a cold, clinical bench he often used. Though it was designed differently from the traditional leather sawhorse Remus owned, made to keep her completely immobile and spread open, he'd immediately made the connection to the way she stiffened the first time she entered his play room.</p><p>Then he witnessed how she’d gotten her scars. </p><p>She lost consciousness sometime during the brutal caning, likely from the pain, and woke to being raped until she bled. It wasn’t the first time she’d been beaten until her skin split, nor the first time she’d been torn during penetration, but it was the first time others had been involved, and it went on longer, more viciously. Some last flicker of hope in her went out.</p><p>He watched the whole thing well enough to gather it but tried to avoid focusing on specifics because he wasn’t sure he could hold back the bile, let alone maintain eye contact. The fact that Hermione didn’t waver helped him keep the strength to. They were both in tears by the end of it. It couldn’t have lasted more than four or five hours, and took only twenty minutes to relive, but it felt like a century.</p><p>She wasn’t healed this time - retaliation for trying to escape, maybe. She passed out again and when she came to she was still in agony, discarded on a stone floor slick with her own blood. She had her wand and she managed to heal some of the wounds and get beyond the anti-Apparition wards that surrounded the property. A splinching injury tore into her upper arm, but she made it to her flat just before dawn, the cramped one in Dover where she lived back then.</p><p>She didn’t tend to her remaining wounds or collapse from exhaustion. Instead, she sat on the edge of her bed and, with a suffocating sense of calm, pulled a bottle from the nightstand and measured out an exact dose of a pain potion.</p><p>A dose strong enough to kill someone three times her size. </p><p>He'd witnessed her use in reckless quantities and come close to dying from her injuries more than once, but this time was different. Purposeful. She swallowed it with no hesitation.</p><p>Remus only realized his hand had fallen from her face when she took it in her own and her other palm cupped his cheek, a silent plea not to look away or close his eyes.</p><p>It was unfair that after everything, she was the one comforting him. He wondered where her friends - her family - had been the night of her torture and the morning she almost succeeded in ending her life. Had he gone out with Dora that Saturday? Did the Weasleys have dinner together at the Burrow? He would have woken early to read the Sunday Prophet not long after the potion kicked in. Probably scanning the fucking Quidditch scores while she lay there unconscious and barely breathing.</p><p>She’d withdrawn into herself following the Battle and Harry’s death, even more so after she and Ron broke up. By the time she was caught in Abbott’s clutches, they had stopped worrying as much when she didn’t come around, stopped taking the time to reach out, stopped asking the right questions or paying close enough attention to the answers when they did. In the moment, he hated himself for it.</p><p>As he lost his grip on his emotions, she surrounded him in her own, flooding him with her devotion and gratitude. When her memory self woke, her despair was all-consuming, but her months-long addiction and the resulting tolerance had saved her life. She healed herself as well as she could, and when she didn’t return, Abbott found her and showed her the pictures, forcing her to come back. Remus wasn’t a praying man, but he thanked God that she didn’t have the resolve to make another suicide attempt, though she often begged the men to kill her.</p><p>The shock numbed him somewhat and the love she poured into him kept him together. It was another hour or so of more of the same, except this time interspersed with a bitter, ruthless determination. Coming home from a weekend of torture and spending the next few days going over old case files. Weighing the dangers of reporting him, of whether anything would be done, of whether she could live with the shame and guilt if she didn't. Clawing her way back from addiction until her tolerance became an asset, serving her in her unusual experiments with resisting the potions. Once she stopped making progress with that, she dumped her own stash and only took them when they were forced on her, despite her cravings and withdrawal symptoms.</p><p>She applied to several apprenticeship programs in Europe - though he inferred that she’d dropped out of her Healing courses without telling anyone, her academic career and reputation still netted several offers. She packed up her flat alone and took a Portkey to France the morning after the holiday dinner at the Burrow when she'd said goodbye.</p><p>The emotions and thoughts that laced that memory told him how difficult it was for her to leave, how their reactions hurt her and made her feel more isolated. But they also told him that she was nearing the end of her rope again, and she expected Abbott to make good on his threats, whether to kill her or to leak the photos.</p><p>When he finally withdrew from her mind, she rested her forehead against his as he whispered broken apologies through his own tears. </p><p>“It’s okay, Remus. I’m okay.” It took a few minutes longer for his crying to stop, and when it did she tenderly brushed the tears away and pressed her lips to his cheek. “I love you.”</p><p>He couldn’t bring himself to speak, but she let him hold her for a few more minutes before she unfolded herself from his lap, drawing him back to reality. He ran through Occlumency exercises to organize his mind as he followed her to the table, taking the seat across from Dora again. A stillness settled around the four of them, and he somehow held it together well enough to withdraw the memories into the Pensieve. </p><p>An imprint of the events remained in his mind, but it didn’t hold the vividness and specificity of the full memories. It felt wrong that he should so easily be able to let go of what she still had to carry.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Graphic depiction of past rape, torture, intimate partner violence, drug addiction, and overdose/attempted suicide.</p><p>Claiming for r/fanfiction trope bingo - 'you are not alone.'</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. you take me from the dark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Slight Ron-bashing, more in the next chapter or two. Sorry if it's not your cup of tea!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>If I've been feeling heavy</em><br/>
<em>You take me from the dark</em><br/>
<em>Your arms, they keep me steady</em><br/>
<em>So nothing could fall apart</em><br/>
<em>And I will find my strength to untape my mouth</em><br/>
<em>When I used to be afraid of the words</em><br/>
<em>But with you I've learned just to let it out</em><br/>
<em>Now my heart is ready to burst</em>
</p><p>Ella Henderson, "Yours"</p><p>Monday, January 17, 2005</p><p>Hermione woke in complete darkness. She flicked on the bedside lamp and checked her watch; it gave her the time, but couldn't explain why she was alone.</p><p>When they got back to his place in late afternoon she was so exhausted Remus had to carry her up the stairs. She remembered laying down with him and being woken later so he could try to get some food in her. But otherwise she slept like a stone, without even the nightmares that had plagued her for the past few days. They would return, she knew, but she was grateful for the temporary reprieve. And she could have used another twelve hours' sleep after the stress of the retrieval. It hadn't gone as badly as she feared, though she worried about the effects on Remus.</p><p>He'd insisted on a full leave of absence from St. Mungo's until after the trial, over her protests about wanting to drop down to one or two days a week. He compromised by allowing her to work on the Wolfsbane if she felt up to it; the trials would be run by the hospital's Potions department, but she could oversee things from home. It was probably the right decision given that she was still grieving Zain's death on top of everything else, but it was hard not to feel she'd abandoned her patients. Moira had been supportive, at least.</p><p>She got up and stripped off the silk blouse and bra she’d worn to the Ministry, trading them for one of Remus’s soft t-shirts that fell almost to her knees and running a hand through her messy hair. As she wandered down the stairs, the hall light illuminated just enough that the flicker of firelight from the library took over by the time she reached the bottom. She was grateful for the fire and the warming charms he set throughout the house this time of year. </p><p>“Daddy, it’s three in the morning,” she said, padding into the library, a yawn and a stretch punctuating the end of her sentence. </p><p>When she came around his favorite chair to face him, Remus studied the fireplace with the same stricken expression he’d worn after the retrieval, and he must have long since stopped paying attention to the book in his lap. She dropped to her knees in front of him and set the book next to the half-empty glass of liquor on the side table. The gesture startled him from his thoughts. </p><p>“When did you get up?” he asked, his voice rough and gravelly.</p><p>“Just now. I was lonely. Have you eaten?” He hesitated a second, and she interrupted him with a knowing smile. “Of course you haven’t. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>It wasn’t like him not to take care of himself, but she knew that look. He was still numb; that, or punishing himself. Likely both. She put together a sandwich quick enough, and brought that and a banana along with a glass of water, rearranging the side table to make room.</p><p>“I’m not hungry,” he said quietly, then with a glance at the bottle added, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>She knelt again, taking his hands in her own. “You know I don’t care if you drink, Daddy. I’ve poured it for you before. You’re not an alcoholic, and it doesn’t trigger me.” With a quirk of her lips, she added, “Though some wise ass once told me I didn’t have anything to atone for and even if I did, I wasn’t going to find absolution in a bottle of Jameson. ‘Course, you were more eloquent, but I was several sheets to the wind at the time, so I’m paraphrasing.” </p><p>She read the label and took stock of the bottle, which must have been a gift from someone who didn’t know his tastes very well. “Sure won’t find shit one and a half glasses into a bottle of bourbon. That’s not even enough to make you forget what you’re drinking. Talk about punishing yourself.” </p><p>Her teasing tugged up one corner of his mouth, but it wasn’t enough to be called a smile and his eyes didn’t crinkle the way they should have. They were a little red, like he’d been crying more recently than that afternoon, and the thought of how he looked then made her heart ache. She took the glass of water and placed it in his hand, giving him her best impression of one of his stern looks until he drank it.</p><p>“You were right, you know."</p><p>“About what?” he asked, setting the glass aside.</p><p>“I didn’t have as much to atone for as I thought I did. And I know for a fact that you don’t. This isn’t like you.” </p><p>He studied their clasped hands. “There are a few things I can’t get out of my mind, but the main one is how long it would have taken us to find your body. I woke up like any other Sunday, drank my tea and read the goddamn paper, and you could have been taking your last breath. Alone, in agony, still bleeding. And I wouldn’t have found out for a fucking week because we abandoned you.<em> I</em> abandoned you.”</p><p>His voice shook, raw with bitterness and self-recrimination, and she rose from her knees to sit across his lap, relieved when his arms came around her. When he didn’t meet her eyes, she tipped his head up to find fresh tears glimmering in his.</p><p>“But I didn't," she said softly, emphatically. "I’m still here. And I’m as okay as I can be - no small thanks to you.” </p><p>She ran her fingertips along his cheek in a tender caress, tracing his scars. “I pushed you all away before I met him, remember? That conversation wasn’t the only time Ron sent you to Harry's grave to pry a bottle out of my hand, and even after I cut back on the drinking, I still wouldn’t talk about anything real.”</p><p>“I don’t care,” he growled. “We got tired of trying to pull you back and we stopped trying. We’re your family, Min. We shouldn’t have given up. How many times did you sit across from me at lunch talking about research while you were still recovering from your last torture session, for fuck’s sake? I knew you were hurting, but I thought I knew why. I stopped asking after you and paying attention the way I should have.”</p><p>“You know how often I’ve told myself that about Zain? He was down, so I asked him the screening questions before we left, couched it in a normal conversation. He lied straight through it and I kept thinking I should have known. I knew him better than anyone, I should have seen it.” </p><p>“If I’d been working, I put up the extra wards on the patients who are depressed, even if they’re not considered high risk. But I can’t work 24/7, and I can’t blame the Healer on duty that night for following procedure." She sighed and gave him a sad half-smile. "So instead I think about what you’d tell me, that I’m only responsible for what I can do. And I try to accept that no amount of guilt will change the past or bring him back. And I’m starting to believe it, enough that it doesn’t eat me up inside.”</p><p>She held his face in her hands until he met her eyes. “Remus, sometimes terrible things happen, things we can’t control, and it’s not our fault. It’s like you said before, the shame is his, not mine. And not yours, either.”</p><p>“You were in such pain for so long, angel. So much anguish, I don’t know how you survived it. And no one was there for you.” His voice broke on the words and his arms tightened around her.</p><p>“I know.” She closed her eyes for a long moment, swallowing a wave of emotion before meeting his again. “But you know something? Even though I was awful company, I looked forward to those lunches. They helped me stay sane. And you’re here for me now, Daddy. You’re the best part of my life, and I’m so thankful for you.” She tucked her head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you about it sooner.”</p><p>“That’s not your fault.” Her shoulders dropped a couple of inches when he ran his fingers through her hair, seeming more like himself. “I should have at least been able to keep it together for you today, though.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. I couldn’t have done it without you, but you don’t always have to be the strong one, either. You’re human. That’s a good thing.” She brushed a kiss to his jaw, running her hand through his beard. “I love you so much.”</p><p>“I love you, too, baby girl.” Though still rough with emotion, his voice was a reverent whisper.</p><p>“'Kay. Can we have a moratorium on guilt long enough for you to eat something and take me back to bed? And stick around to cuddle me this time, pretty please?”</p><p>He gasped a chuckle and pressed his lips to her temple. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I can manage that.”</p>
<hr/><p>Tuesday was hard. The questioning went better with her memories having been reviewed than it would have gone otherwise. Hermione knew she was lucky that Remus worked there and could be with her, that John and Dora knew her and were sympathetic; most victims didn't have that kind of support.</p><p>She’d slept until noon on Monday and spent most of the day on the couch with Remus, and she woke a couple of times that night sobbing, but he held her and she got back to sleep soon enough. She brought a list of the names and dates she could remember, and John had asked around the club’s staff to get an idea of who the other girls were. </p><p>Brian had a stable mentality and he was impossible to get away from. She knew Gemma was still around, and she wasn't surprised to learn Amy was, too, nor that he had a few new victims. She also wasn’t surprised to learn Meredith had killed herself. She tried to hold onto what she’d said to Remus about not taking on guilt that wasn’t hers.</p><p>She felt bad for Draco and John, who weren’t as good at concealing their emotions as they thought they were when they sat across from her. And she knew Remus was still struggling with what he’d seen, if less so than on Sunday. Dora hadn’t viewed the memories, and though Hermione knew she didn’t care any less, it was good to have a calming influence in the midst of a bunch of quietly seething, overprotective alpha men.</p><p>“Alright. I’ll run this up the chain and get the paperwork rolling. If all goes well, we’ll make the arrest tomorrow morning. They’ll try to challenge the pre-trial detention, but they won’t win,” John said as he rolled the parchment he’d been scribbling on. “I’ll text you guys with updates as soon as I have them.”</p><p>“Thanks. I’ll have to talk to Ron and Ginny, I don’t want them to find out when word gets around the department.” Dora had kept silent as a favor to her, and everything had moved so quickly and been so exhausting that she hadn’t found the strength for the conversation yet. “Dora, will you guys come over for dinner tonight?”</p><p>“No, you’re going to need somewhere to escape to, and you shouldn’t have to worry about playing hostess.” Dora squeezed her hand. “Come ‘round ours, Gin’s planning to cook.”</p><p>“Thanks, love.” She squeezed back, wishing her stomach didn’t fall through the floor at the thought of all of it becoming more real.</p><p>John and Dora filed out, and Remus said, “Do you want to go home? I have classes until five, but Dora can stay with you.”</p><p>“No, Draco and I are going to grab lunch. I was hoping I could sit in after, if it’s okay. I wanted to get a feel for things. Maybe we can get back to talking about your plans for hand-to-hand.”</p><p>“Of course, angel.” She was glad to see his smile reach his eyes. As they stood, he pulled her close and kissed her forehead.</p><p>“We’re going halfway down the block. I’ll walk her back down by two,” Draco said before they parted ways.</p><p>Hermione was doing her best not to chafe at the constant implication that she needed a babysitter. She'd gotten adjusted to the idea that she'd have to be with Remus or Dora all the time, and the other Aurors who hung around to back them up were respectful and not intrusive. She knew it wasn’t a slight on her abilities. Brian was dangerous and unpredictable, and even though she was good with a wand and her fists, if he did try anything her emotions would get in the way.</p><p>The restaurant was nice, a wizarding one popular with Ministry workers, but it wasn’t too busy. Draco snagged them a reasonably secluded table near a window and set an undetectable Muffliato for good measure. When the food came, though, her stomach still hadn’t found its way back to the vicinity of her abdomen. It sunk a bit lower when she spotted Marcus Abbott stand from a table across the room and walk out.</p><p>“You know passing out from low blood sugar won’t help, right?” Draco's lips quirked. “And I’m pretty sure I’d get my ass kicked. Remus’s right hook is almost as nasty as yours.”</p><p>She snorted. “Sorry. I just - “ She shook her head and picked up the fork. “His dad walked out just now. Doesn’t know we dated, probably doesn’t know any of it. There are a few other things fraying my nerves, too, but the thought that his whole life’s about to be upended in less than 24 hours - “</p><p>“Don’t lose sleep over it. I know the family - though apparently not as well as I thought I did,” Draco said, his jaw clenching. “Marcus Abbott isn’t his son, but he’s image-conscious enough to pay for good representation and do whatever else he can to avoid a scandal without getting thrown out of office. As far as I'm concerned, that makes him complicit. I hope he proves me wrong, but it shouldn’t surprise you to learn I’m a cynic.”</p><p>“Not in the least.” Hermione did manage a few bites. “Christ, this is a shitshow. Kingsley’s got more support now than when I left, but he still needs Abbott to - “ </p><p>“You can say it, Hermione. It’s the truth.” His voice lacked any rancor. “To keep the purebloods happy. Some of us, anyway.”</p><p>She was grateful he at least added the qualifier. From the little Remus had said and their interactions thus far, she gathered he’d lost much of his old prejudice, even if he could still pull off the sneer and the look of utter disdain. She got the feeling he gave people what they expected to see - a tactic she'd used herself, even as a teenager. She sighed, concentrating on trying to eat. She wasn’t as nauseous as she’d been the past few days, but she still had no appetite. </p><p>“What else?”</p><p>“Hm?"</p><p>“I mean, I could make small talk, but I don’t think either of us could stand that after the morning we’ve had. So, although we don’t have to dig into strategy yet, what else is fraying your nerves?”</p><p>She managed a tight, grateful smile and a one-shouldered shrug. “Everything?”</p><p>“A vocabulary the size of yours and you can’t be more specific?” he teased.</p><p>Her smile curved up more as she rolled her eyes. But when she thought about the answer, the humor left her. “Reviewing everything, reliving it, it brought home how bad this looks. For me.”</p><p>Draco surprised her by reaching across the table to touch her hand. “Anyone with eyes - “</p><p>“Don’t.” She wrapped her fingers around his in a quick squeeze and let go. “I appreciate that you understand the depth of what happened, the manipulation, I really do. But Remus is the one who gets to tell me that I’m in the right and everyone else is an idiot. I need you to be honest and help me keep his expectations realistic. Because we both know the politics and the case history well enough to know that no amount of torture or golden girl war heroine bullshit can erase the long list of ways in which I’m not an ideal victim in the minds of those misogynist pricks.”</p><p>“You’re right.” His steel-gray eyes were still kind, but he dropped the attempt to sugarcoat it. “But it’s not as bad as you fear.”</p><p>“I barely spoke up for the first few months - hell, I asked for it at first and continued asking for it to avoid his anger. I was an addict for the next five. They won’t take seriously what I tried to do after that with the potions, so let’s call it even and say eight months of using before I only took what he forced on me.” She looked away, her voice harsh. “Jesus, anyone who knows me could testify that I was drunk a decent chunk of the time between the Battle and when I met him. I’ve never failed a work screening, I hadn’t even had so much as a sip of anything in years until Remus gave me that calming draught, but I’ll be lucky if the papers and St. Mungo’s don’t - “</p><p>“Stop.” The stern edge in Draco’s voice cut her off. “You’re randomly screened for signs of substance abuse once a month, and before you worked at Mungo’s and Anthony’s you were screened every week through both of your masteries. I requested those records yesterday, along with your work and academic reviews. And you’re the only Healer I know who doesn’t hit the communal potion cocktail after a rough shift. I’d love to get my feet wet with employment law next if they try to play the hypocrite.”</p><p>“Thank you.” <em>How upside down is it that Draco Malfoy’s my valiant defender?</em> “But there’s still the rest of it. If I testify, they’re going to dig through every sexual encounter I’ve ever had. And while the consensual list is embarrassingly short, if they question me about Remus.... I’d be crucified for enjoying sex at all, let alone the kind of relationship we have. It’ll reinforce Brian's argument that I wanted it. And I’m not - “ She pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment and shook her head, sucking in a breath. She'd had this conversation with Sabine at least a dozen times, but the perennial fear never fully left her.</p><p>“You’re not what?”</p><p>She could hear the concern in his voice but she couldn’t meet his eyes. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me for still wanting this after what happened?”</p><p>“No, Hermione. I don’t. Hey, look at me.” He reached across the table and took her hand again. “Leave the sex and play aside and you still wouldn’t be fulfilled in a vanilla relationship. But you already know that. You rarely say them because you’re not used to being around other people who get it, but I can hear the damn honorifics in your voice every time you talk to him. For some, submission is a kink, same as flogging, but for others, it’s a core part of who they are. It feels fundamentally wrong when you’re denying that, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.” She met his eyes, feeling as exposed as she did reassured. It was part of why things hadn’t worked out with the guy she dated in France - bedroom kink alone didn’t do much for her.</p><p>“What you and Remus have bears no relation to the shit Abbott did to you, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Story’s the same. And thank fucking Salazar you two are who you are, because from this side of the slash, the world would suck otherwise.”</p><p>“Thanks. I heard about the wedding. I’m glad you guys have each other.“ She didn’t know Astoria well, but she offered a soft smile, squeezing his hand again before she let it go at his slight nod of thanks. “Testifying is the part that scares me the most, to be honest. You may be right, but they’re not going to see it the way you do.”</p><p>“You’re not going to testify.” When her eyebrows shot up, he said, “It would be the most re-traumatizing part of this for you. You’re not wrong - it opens you up to lines of questioning that Abbott’s people will be all too happy to use to tear you apart. And he’ll enjoy every minute. I don’t intend to let that happen.”</p><p>“No one’s ever won a conviction in an abuse or rape case with an adult victim without their testimony. I’d be shocked if that’s changed since the last time I looked.”</p><p>“It hasn’t.”</p><p>“Draco - “</p><p>“Look, abuse in our community is rarely reported for these same reasons, and only to get protection orders or to get someone banned from somewhere. The lifestyle isn't as taboo among us as it is among Muggles, but people still want to keep it quiet. There are DV cases where it probably played a role that wasn't addressed, but this is the first time it’s front and center. The more control we have over the narrative, the better," he said firmly. "Even if I was heartless enough to ask you to, I won’t give them the leverage. I’ll speak on your behalf, but you’re not testifying and you’re not dealing with the press when they get your name. If the other victims come on board, I’ll advise the same whether I’m representing them or not.”</p><p>“I see your point, and it would be a huge relief,” she said with a flicker of hope. “I’ll have to talk about it with Remus, though. It’s still a massive fucking risk.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course you should, and you’re right. But we can win this, Hermione, and I’m not just being arrogant.” His warm expression flattened as he added, “And on the off chance they make the mistake of not giving him a cushy cell next to my father, I know a guy.”</p><p>“Draco!” She laughed, but it was choked when his face didn’t waver. “Jesus, you’re actually serious.”</p><p>“Please, if Remus and John hadn’t sold their souls to the Greater bloody Good, he wouldn’t have survived the last 48 hours,” he said dryly. “I know better than to take such shortsighted oaths. But if you believe that would stop them from co-signing me if he walks free, you don’t know the man whose collar you wear.”</p><p>“None of you are risking conspiracy charges on my account,” she hissed, her nervous gaze darting around the emptying restaurant despite the strength of his Muffliato.</p><p>“It wounds me to hear you insinuate that I’d let myself get caught,” he shot back with a roguish grin. “Try to see it less as a personal favor and more as a service to humanity. Besides, Abbott gets the whole trial to secure his sorry life, that’s more than generous.”</p><p>She wasn’t sure whether to be anxious or relieved as they walked back to the Aurory, on both the subject of testifying and on his promise not to let Abbott walk free. She paused just inside the long, winding hallway that led to the classrooms. “Thank you for this, really. I don’t even know - “</p><p>“Hermione, John’s right. We’re the ones who owe you a debt for making sure he can’t hurt anyone else. And even more than that, you deserve justice. You deserve safety.” Draco held her gaze. “You don’t need to thank me. I’m here because I want to be.”</p><p>“Well, I’m grateful anyhow." Her lips quirked. "Does this mean we’re friends now?”</p><p>Draco glanced up with a look of mock terror. “I’m waiting for the sky to fall.”</p><p>She giggled and impulsively pulled him into a quick hug; as his arms came around her, she heard, "'Mione?"</p><p>“Fuck,” she said under her breath, stepping back. She loved Ron, but he was way more high-strung than she felt up to handling at the moment, and she was still afraid of how he might react to the news. It had nothing to do with being ashamed of Draco, but she caught her lip between her teeth, worried he may have interpreted it that way.</p><p>As she turned, he came around her side and positioned himself slightly in front of her, enough that he could get between them if needed.</p><p>“Malfoy.” Ron’s cold tone made it clear he’d seen the intimacy of the exchange, though she wasn’t sure how much he’d heard. He could have just been being Ron, but her luck was never that good.</p><p>“Weasley,” Draco returned coolly. She knew the absence of his trademark sneer was for her benefit.</p><p>“Granger,” she quipped. “Now that we’re all acquainted - “</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Talking,” Draco supplied. “I’m sure you understand the basic mechanics of conversation.”</p><p>“I wasn’t asking you, ferret.”</p><p>“Christ, can we please pretend we’re 25 and not 15?” The look Draco shot her might have been apologetic. Ron’s wasn’t. “I had business here this morning and we just got back from lunch. I’m headed to sit in on Remus’s class.”</p><p>“Business with Malfoy?” Ron asked incredulously.</p><p>“And a couple of other people, yes.”</p><p>“What kind of business?” </p><p>When she stiffened at his ‘I’m not leaving you alone until I get some answers’ tone, Draco said, “The kind that’s not any of yours. We should go, Hermione.” </p><p>Unfortunately, Draco didn’t know Ron well enough to know that tone. “I’ll walk you so we can talk, ‘Mione. Next time let me know you’re coming so we can catch a bite.” His voice still held the touch of suspicion, and ‘talk’ was a euphemism for ‘be interrogated.’</p><p>“I appreciate the offer, really, but Draco and I are fine. Did Dora invite you for dinner?”</p><p>“Had no idea you two were such close friends."</p><p>She ignored the comment. “If she didn’t yet, you should know she and Gin expect us over tonight. We can talk more about it then, that’s the reason for it,” she said in what she hoped was a calm voice. “Now, I should really get to Remus’s class.”</p><p>“Well, I’m not letting him walk you. He has no right to be here, unless we’ve finally decided to haul him in for his crimes - “</p><p>“Ron!” she admonished. “He’s a court rep, you know that. And he hasn’t done anything wrong. Stop being childish.”</p><p>That raised his hackles more. “Right, whatever,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Well, I’m not leaving you alone with him.”</p><p>“Fine,” she sighed, pushing past Ron and walking down the hallway. The two men followed, tension thick in the air. When she reached the room number Remus had mentioned, she stopped just short of the door. “Okay, I managed to get here in one piece. I need to speak with Draco alone, Ron. I’ll see you tonight.”</p><p>“’Mione - “ </p><p>This time Draco did put himself in between them. “I believe she asked you to leave,” he said, his voice calm and not deliberately provoking as it had been earlier, but with an undercurrent of steel.</p><p>Ron shot her a glare and huffed before he turned on his heel and walked back the way they came.</p><p>“I’m sorry." Hermione shook her head. “He’s usually somewhat more mature than that.”</p><p>“Somehow I doubt it. But what you’re not going to do is apologize for Weasley being an idiot,” Draco replied, his tone brooking no argument. His impassive face gave her little to go on when it came to guessing his thoughts.</p><p>“Ron’s being Ron, but I know he says things you have to hear elsewhere on a daily basis.” Hermione rested her hand on his arm. “It’s not fair that people hold your father’s actions against you. God, looking back, the signs were obvious, but I was too young to see them. I just saw your reaction. That you went through that and you’re still being punished for his mistakes - “ She shook her head. She’d testified on his behalf in his trial after the war, despite his protests of guilt for not intervening more when she was tortured. His father's abuse was one of the main reasons he and Narcissa were granted clemency for their connection to Voldemort. She couldn’t help but make the connection to the work he had chosen. “You shouldn’t be.”</p><p>“While I appreciate the vote of confidence, I’m not sure who my father is entirely excuses who I used to be.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “But I am glad you consider it to be in the past. I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?”</p><p>She nodded and said goodbye before she pushed the heavy door into the training room. She was only a couple of minutes late, but the lines of Remus’s face softened at the sight of her. She smiled at him and ignored the curious looks from a few of the trainees as she took a chair in the back of the room.</p><p>He was discussing basic dueling techniques in the types of situations they’d encounter in real life, like a fleeing suspect or a hostage taking, rather than the controlled environments they were normally used to. When he moved onto talking about situational awareness, though, he shot her a mischievous look and said, “Actually, since we have an expert on the subject - Hermione, why don’t you jump in?”</p><p>Her eyes widened as everyone turned to look at her, but as he gave her an encouraging nod, she stood and made her way to the front of the room. Being put on the spot made her self-conscious, but she had a lifetime of practice of slipping into ‘teacher mode,’ from tutoring Harry and Ron when they were kids to instructing krav maga. His own lecture had given her an idea of where the trainees were at in skill level, so she went through similar principles to what she would have talked about in one of her Muggle classes. She applied it more towards magical attacks since she knew they had limited experience with anything else, but she mentioned a few hand-to-hand techniques that could benefit them.</p><p>Eventually the trainees asked to see it in practice, and Hermione laughed and shook her head in fond exasperation as Remus roped her into a demonstration. When they filed across the hall into one of the practice rooms, the two of them took up the rear and he pressed a gentle hand to the small of her back.</p><p>“I’m proud of you, little one,” he murmured, dropping a kiss in her hair. A light blush colored her cheeks as she smiled and leaned into his side.</p><p>He was trying to get her mind off of things, give her something else to focus on. She loved him for so many reasons, not least because he paid enough care and attention to know what she needed. It calmed the knot of fear in her stomach, for now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. make me a beast half as brave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahh! I got promoted at work and it is putting a crimp in my binge-writing schedule. But aiming for at least every 1-2 weeks going forward. New teaser image at bottom.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Who's seen Jezebel?</em><br/>
<em>She was born to be the woman we could blame</em><br/>
<em>Make me a beast half as brave, I'd be the same</em>
</p><p>Iron and Wine, "Jezebel"</p><p>Tuesday, January 18, 2005</p><p>"Come here, pretty girl," Remus murmured from his perch on the couch in his bedroom.</p><p>Hermione smiled shyly as she stood between his legs. The sight of her made his breath catch. She’d put on the earrings and bracelet that matched her collar, and she wore a long-sleeved, embroidered blush pink blouse and loose-fitting charcoal trousers. </p><p>He gave her thick braid a light tug, gathering her onto his lap. "This reminds me of that day in Flourish and Blotts. First thing I saw when you turned around."</p><p>She tucked her head to his shoulder. “That was a good day.”</p><p>“Luckiest one of my life." He brushed his lips against her forehead. “Are you alright, little one?”</p><p>The class and their demonstration had distracted her, and she seemed more hopeful after her lunch with Draco. But she'd been unusually subdued as he bathed her, and he could read the growing tension in the set of her shoulders and the lines of her face.</p><p>“As I can be, I guess. He’s still trying to come to terms with you and me, and this won’t be easy, especially once he knows the - the details. I don’t want him to be blindsided when it comes out in the trial."</p><p>"Ron’s issues with how you live your life are his problem, not yours, baby girl. I know he can be opinionated, but you don’t owe him anything."</p><p>“I know, Daddy. I just - I still don’t think we’ve really repaired the strain from me being gone, and - “</p><p>“Shh.” He hugged her closer and she wound her arms around his neck. “That’ll work itself out one way or another. And you don’t have to do this if you don't want to - I can explain, answer their questions for you, if it would be easier.”</p><p>“It would be, but I need to do it,” she said with a soft sigh. "I owe it to them. But it means a lot to me that you’re always here for me."</p><p>“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” His smile mirrored hers as she pressed a chaste, tender kiss to his lips.</p><p>Ginny and Dora owned a house in the same wizarding hamlet in Devon where Andromeda lived. They said a quick hello, then Hermione and Ginny set the dining table as Dora and Remus retreated to the living room. </p><p>“You know, wine isn’t a Divination tool."</p><p>Hermione had poured him a glass with a reminder that it didn't bother her, and though the dry, fruity Viognier was excellent, it worked better as a prop to occupy his hands. His lips quirked as he withdrew his gaze from the depths to meet Dora's eyes. "I still owe you a gift basket for sending me that ad.”</p><p>“I’ll settle for you bringing the alcohol next time,” she replied with a cackle. “Seriously, though, I’m thrilled for you both. I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you as happy as Gin makes me. How are you coping with everything?”</p><p>"Better than over the weekend." That was true, but he hadn't begun to untangle the knot of emotions he felt.</p><p>"It's okay if you need support, too, you know," Dora said with a concerned look, sipping her own wine. "This is hard on you. You've always been so protective."</p><p>"Thanks. And thank you for helping out with the investigation."</p><p>“Dinner’s ready, guys,” Ginny called, popping her head in. The Floo chimed just as she finished speaking, and Ron stepped through a moment later, still in his work robes. “And my big brother’s on time for once!"</p><p>Ron exchanged hugs with Dora and Ginny and settled for an awkward handshake with Remus. The tension from Christmas lingered; Remus had always been more like an uncle to him, and that combined with his territorial nature over his friendship with Hermione and his judgments about their relationship had strained things. Remus hoped he would get over it, for her sake. </p><p>As they piled into the dining room, Hermione came in from the kitchen and hugged Ron. "Glad you remembered we’re friends," he said teasingly, but there was a slight edge to it.</p><p>"Never forgot it." She gave Ron a tight smile, following Dora back to the kitchen.</p><p>She liked to serve Remus whenever she could, and she'd gotten comfortable enough to do it around others most of the time. He ignored Ron’s stare as she brought his plate and her own, and Dora dished up for everyone else. </p><p>“Thanks, angel. This looks lovely, Ginny.”</p><p>“You’re welcome,” she murmured. “How’s practice going, Gin? Aren’t you guys playing the Bats at the end of the month?”</p><p>"Yeah. I’m sure Remus and Dora already have a wager going. I’ll try not to be offended that he’s betting against me."</p><p>"National pride, Gin," Remus said with a grin, holding up his hands.</p><p>"Yeah, let's pretend you're supporting them because they're an Irish team and not because of their record," Ginny shot back good-naturedly, rolling her eyes.</p><p>"Hey, Min's got you - she likes to root for the underdog." He winked at Hermione and leaned over, stage whispering, "Just make sure you don't bet much."</p><p>"You guys are terrible. I'm on Gin's side when it comes to Quidditch, end of." Hermione laughed, but he could tell her mind was only half on the conversation as Dora and Ron took over with a discussion of the rest of the league's performance.</p><p>The lighthearted Quidditch debate settled into a tense sort of quiet by the time they made their way into the cozy living room. Hermione took a seat on the couch next to Remus, and he felt the slight tremble as the back of her hand touched his.</p><p>"Right. I'm not really sure how to - " She glanced in the general direction of where Ron and Ginny sat across from them, without meeting anyone's eyes. </p><p>Remus curled his fingers around hers, giving her a gentle squeeze, and she squeezed back, taking a deep breath.</p><p>"Um, I've been involved in an investigation over the last few days, and Dora's been helping. Draco, too, that's why you ran into us at the Ministry, Ron. They're making an arrest tomorrow, so it won't be long before it becomes public."</p><p>She took a shaky breath. "The year before I left for France, I - um, I was in a relationship. It was abusive. That's why I left, actually. I'm sorry I was too afraid to tell you then. But since I've been back, he's tried to contact me, and - well - "</p><p>"Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Min. Whatever I can do to help," Ginny said.</p><p>"Thanks." Hermione shifted uncomfortably. "It'll be a bit of a circus. The guy I was - was dating is Brian Abbott. And there are some complicating factors. It's going to be a difficult trial."</p><p>When she went silent and looked down, Ron's eyebrows shot up and he said, "Bloody hell. Did you meet him at that club?"</p><p>"Yeah." She withdrew her hand from Remus's and twisted both in her lap. </p><p>"Merlin's sake, 'Mione. I told you getting involved in that was a bad idea."</p><p>"This was different. It wasn't like that," she whispered, meeting Ron's eyes. "He was really violent, Ron."</p><p>"What, as opposed to a little violence for fun?" he scoffed. "It's not healthy."</p><p>"Honestly, Ronald," Ginny broke in, her voice heated. "There's a difference between consensual kink and abuse. Just because you're not into it doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people in healthy relationships who are."</p><p>"I can't believe we're even having this conversation. I mean, the fact that she stayed with him for a year obviously means some people have difficulty telling the difference."</p><p>As Ginny argued with him, Remus saw Hermione had withdrawn into herself; Ron wasn't venomous, but the victim-blaming was more than implied. Dealing with it from society at large was one thing, but no matter how distant their friendship had become, she still cared for him and his opinion mattered to her. It would reinforce her fears, and she was too emotionally exhausted from the last few days to shake it off or stand up to him. She needed to face some things herself, but Remus couldn't help but feel he'd miscalculated this time.</p><p>He Occluded his own anger, resting a hand on her arm. "Go to the kitchen, angel."</p><p>She hesitated, but he was relieved that she didn't protest. The way she avoided his eyes and fled the room increased his worry. Dora followed her out before he could ask, and he cast a silencing charm over the room.</p><p>"I see you've got her trained." The venom came out now.</p><p>"Seriously, you couldn't be more supportive?" Ginny snapped. "You're supposed to be her friend."</p><p>"Yeah, well, sometimes friends need to hear the truth, Ginny. I wanted to protect her. Maybe if you hadn't co-signed this adventure back then - " </p><p>"The only person responsible for what happened to Hermione is the person who abused her," Remus cut in.</p><p>"Oh, says the person abusing her."</p><p>His comments towards Hermione had pissed Remus off, but this insult barely registered in the moment. He got a small sense of satisfaction when Ginny smacked her brother upside the head, though.</p><p>"Look, what happened to Min is terrible, and I get that it's hard to swallow." <em>Believe me, I get it.</em> "But it's not anyone's fault except Abbott's, and instead of blaming her, I'd suggest reflecting on whether you want to be a part of her life going forward."</p><p>"What, are you going to tell her who she can and can't speak to, too?" </p><p>Remus snorted humorlessly. "You've known her longer than I have, I imagine you've learned by now that she's perfectly capable of standing up for herself."</p><p>As Ron opened his mouth again, Ginny said, "Go home. Seriously. If the next words out of your mouth aren't an apology - "</p><p>He glared at them both as he stood to go. Once he was through the Floo, Remus scrubbed a hand over his face and exhaled a deep sigh. "Fucking hell. I knew it'd be a tough conversation, but - "</p><p>"I guess you two aren't close enough for you to have witnessed his more...infuriating tendencies." Ginny gave Remus a quick, apologetic hug.</p><p>She followed him into the kitchen and he dropped the silencing spell. Hermione and Dora leaned on the marble counter, engaged in quiet conversation.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Min," Ginny said. </p><p>"It's not your fault. I expected it." Hermione shrugged. "He thinks he needs to protect me, even from myself. He always means well, but - "</p><p>Ginny rolled her eyes. "That's no excuse for being a jerk. Anyway, you let me know if there's anything we can do, yeah?"</p><p>They said their goodbyes, and when they made it through the Floo into the cottage library, she asked, "Is it alright if I go downstairs for a while?"</p><p>"Of course, angel." He hated seeing her so withdrawn and distant, but maybe it would help. She liked brewing for the same reason she liked cooking when she was having a difficult day, or when she got stuck on something. The predictability of it - working with her hands, putting together the same ingredients and getting the expected result, and when she was in the mood for it, experimenting with something new. </p><p>She accompanied him to the kitchen and disappeared down the stairs. He brewed one of her herbal tea blends for them both and snagged his copy of <em>Walden</em> before he followed, setting her cup down on the counter not far from where she stood chopping valerian root.</p><p>"Thank you, sir," she whispered.</p><p>"You're welcome, little one." He smiled and rested his palm against her cheek, brushing his lips to her brow.</p><p>Her gaze followed him as he retreated to the couch in the corner. He suspected she wanted to be alone, but she didn't argue the point, for which he was grateful. Though he wouldn't push her to talk, he refused to leave her alone when she was in pain. </p><p>As he thumbed through the battered old book to the place he'd most recently left off, she went back to her work, finishing up the valerian and moving on to crush Sopophorous beans. She must have picked Draught of Living Death for its complexity; she didn't need a store of it, but then she didn't keep any of the more complex potions on hand save Wolfsbane. And she wouldn't brew that when she was upset, since mistakes with it could be deadly.</p><p>She worked in silence for over an hour, and he snuck glances at her rather than paying close attention to the book, which he'd practically memorized by now. Remodeling the basement as a lab had been a good decision, one he should have done sooner. She'd settled into it pretty quickly and it seemed to be more suitable for her work than the one in her apartment. He enjoyed the excuse to have her around more often. </p><p>She'd prepared the ingredients and gotten most of the way through the brewing process when she swore under her breath and muttered a vanishing charm. "Lost track of my stirs."</p><p>The slight tremble in her voice ate at him. "Come here, angel."</p><p>She complied, still avoiding his eyes, and he took her hand and tugged her onto his lap. She laid her head on his shoulder as he pulled the tie from her hair and unbraided it. He ran a tender hand through her curls and breathed in her scent, relieved when some of the tension left her small frame. Physical touch had a way of short-circuiting her tendency to get stuck in her head; he liked using that to his advantage, and he found it as comforting as she did.</p><p>"I'm sorry for putting you through this," he said after a while.</p><p>She lifted her head. "You don't have anything to apologize for. I know you're doing it because it's the right thing. And you just want to keep me safe. Jesus, I'm the one with the baggage that's turning your life upside down."</p><p>"It may be the right thing, but it's still putting you through more pain, little one." He studied her, running his knuckles over the softness of her cheek. "None of this is your fault."</p><p>He'd revisited the desire to take matters into his own hands a hundred times since Friday. If he'd known the score before he got the Aurors involved, it would have been an easy choice - to protect her from all of this, and to work out his fury. But with an open investigation it would be too risky, especially once Abbott was in a holding cell.</p><p>"Ron's an ass, but he's not wrong about the fact that I was naive," she said as she looked down again, her voice full of shame and self-doubt. "And I should have spoken up sooner."</p><p>"Listen to me, Hermione." He slid a finger under her chin, tipping her head up. When she met his eyes, he said, "You didn't do anything wrong. People like Abbott are calculating. He preyed on you. You did everything you could to keep yourself and everyone else as safe as you could, and the fact that you survived is a miracle. Ron's not the only one who will question your actions, but it's easy for him to judge from the outside. Just because he's loud and opinionated doesn't make him right."</p><p>She bit her lip and nodded after a moment. "I'm sorry you had to deal with it, though. I can guess what he said to you and Ginny after I walked out."</p><p>"Shh, baby girl. I don't want you to worry about that." Remus kissed her temple. "Time for bed?"</p><p>"Yes, please." Though her voice was still strained, the sweetness of the familiar phrase wound around his heart.</p><p>He slid an arm under her knees and held her close as he stood, carrying her upstairs. Once she'd gotten ready for bed and changed into one of his shirts, he stripped to his boxers and slipped under the covers, extinguishing the lights with a spell.</p><p>Despite his reassurance, he'd played the conversation over in his mind more than once. Though he knew he wasn't abusive, he still found himself considering their relationship in a different light when confronted with how Ron saw it. But when Hermione tucked herself against his side like a missing puzzle piece and whispered, "Night, Daddy. I love you," he was reminded of the sense of belonging she'd shown him during that first Legilimency session, and he couldn't deny the rightness of it.</p>
<hr/><p>Remus was glad Hermione slept later than usual on Wednesday. The long day before had exhausted her emotionally and physically, and her nightmares had returned in earnest. His phone chimed while he was pouring coffee from the French press, and he felt her anxious gaze follow him from the breakfast nook as he tugged it from his pocket and flipped it open.</p><p>“They’ve got him,” he said, looking up to meet her eyes from across the room. “The pre-trial detainment hearing's at one."</p><p>“Okay." She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and crossed the room to seek out his embrace. He held her close as she buried her face in his shirt and hugged him tightly.</p><p>“Do you want me to make it special?” he asked when she drew back enough to breathe. He couldn’t top the coffee shop concoctions she favored, but he made a valiant effort. It was worth it to see how happy it usually made her, and how damn cute she looked with whipped cream on her nose.</p><p>She shook her head this time, though, pulling away to grab the milk from the refrigerator and adding some as he stirred in the sugar. "I probably won't be able to taste it. But thank you, Daddy."</p><p>He smiled and ruffled her hair. "You're welcome, angel."</p><p>He held her as they ate breakfast. After, she sat at his feet in the living room with her work spread over the coffee table. It could have been like any other morning together, except it was the middle of a work day and she was too tense to get absorbed in her research the way she usually did.</p><p>The chime of the Floo a couple of hours later drew her attention from her notebook. She looked up and Remus could read the trepidation in her face. He stood and took her hand to help her to her feet, keeping hold of it as he led her to the library.</p><p>Dora and Draco brushed themselves off as they came through the fireplace. Draco was always hard to read, and Dora looked more serious than usual, her hair violet instead of bubblegum-pink.</p><p>"What is it?" Hermione asked.</p><p>"They're upholding the detention, but Abbott's father demanded a quick trial," Draco said. "They've set it for February 7th."</p><p>"That - that's bad, isn't it?"</p><p>"I was hoping for another couple weeks, but we'll make it work."</p><p>"They couldn't match Abbott's magical signature to whoever broke your wards," Dora added. "We're running down the list of his accomplices that you gave us, though, and John's going to bring them in for questioning and check their wands. If he tries to get at you now, it would be through one of them, right?"</p><p>"Yeah." Hermione wrapped her arms around herself.</p><p>"Then it won't hurt to put some fear in them," Dora said, perking up at the prospect of getting to intimidate a few suspects. "And we'll keep the extra security on you, just in case."</p><p>Remus hoped they wouldn't threaten her safety, but it wouldn't bother him at all to have an excuse to lay hands on one of the other men who'd hurt her. He hugged her to his side. "It'll be alright, angel."</p><p>She leaned into him briefly and gave him a small smile when he stepped back. "Draco, mind if I steal you to talk strategy? I have a few questions about the expert witnesses."</p><p>The two of them stayed in the library and Dora accompanied Remus to the kitchen, leaning against the sink as he put the kettle on.</p><p>"Okay, what's your damage?" she asked after a couple of minutes.</p><p>Remus grabbed the tea bags from the cabinet. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>"Oh, come on. I know you. You're wrestling with something."</p><p>He finished making the tea, adding a splash of milk and a teaspoon of sugar to hers before he handed it over.</p><p>She took the seat opposite him in the breakfast nook, sipping it with a quiet noise of pleasure. "You still make an excellent Earl Grey."</p><p>He sighed and raked a hand through his hair, setting his own cup down on the small teak table. There was no use trying to put her off; she could spot his moods a mile away. "I'm trying to figure out whether Ron had a point."</p><p>Her eyes widened and she scoffed. "Remus - "</p><p>"No, Dora. Hear me out," he said quietly, meeting her eyes. "The age gap between you and I was one thing, but I'm 19 years older than her. I had no idea the extent of what she'd been through, but I saw the scars our first night together - not to mention knowing the trauma from the war and the toll that took on her. I was her <em>professor</em>, for fuck's sake. And the kind of relationship we have - "</p><p>"Stop. You're not a predator, Remus." Dora reached across the table, uncurling his fingers from his cup and wrapping her hand around his. At his raised eyebrow, her lips quirked for a moment and she added, "Okay, fine, you're a werewolf and a sadistic top. But you know what I meant. You're not Abbott, and age gap relationships aren't unusual among wizards. You didn't go after her because she's young and impressionable. You haven't taken advantage of her. I know the kind of person you are, remember?"</p><p>Remus looked down, voicing the fear that had itched at his conscience since last night, an echo of Ron's words at Christmas. "I'm not him, but that doesn't mean I'm the best person for her."</p><p>"She's a capable, intelligent woman who can make her own decisions. And she's doing everything she can to heal. She doesn't have to reach some arbitrary milestone in order to be in a relationship again." She squeezed his hand and let it go, still holding his gaze. "I know the kind of dynamic you have, and I know you want what's best for her, and I know your insecurities still get to you. But she can choose for herself and she chose you. And you're a caring, considerate, honorable man who loves her. <em>That's</em> what's best for her, you chivalrous ass."</p><p>He snorted with laughter, though the words touched his heart. "Just had to get the jab in there, didn't you? I thought we were having a moment."</p><p>"Hey, someone's got to knock your ego down to a manageable size, and Min's not going to do it," Dora teased. "I'll claim it as best friend duties."</p><p>"I'm so glad we're still friends." He reached across the table to give her shoulder a playful nudge, feeling some of his worry recede. </p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. i need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long</em><br/>
<em>As if I'm becoming untouchable</em><br/>
<em>Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark</em><br/>
<em>With fine, winding tendrils that strangle the heart</em><br/>
<em>They say that promises sweeten the blow</em><br/>
<em>But I don't need them, no, I don't need them</em><br/>
<em>Oh, I need the darkness, the sweetness</em><br/>
<em>The sadness, the weakness, oh, I need this</em><br/>
<em>I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight</em><br/>
<em>Angel sweet love of my life, oh, I need this</em>
</p><p>Natalie Merchant, "My Skin"</p><p>Monday, January 24, 2005</p><p>Hermione tried very hard to think about her research and tried very hard not to think about whether they'd be able to gather enough evidence for the trial in less than three weeks. She spent most of her time in Remus's basement so she wouldn't blow up Draco and Dora's phones asking for updates as the Aurors interviewed the other victims and Abbott's accomplices. Monday came, though, and it was her turn to give evidence again.</p><p>The Department of Magical Law Enforcement contracted with St. Mungo's for assistance on cases, which meant that her physical and psychological evaluations would be taken by her fellow Healers. She didn't know any of the Mind Healers well, but she'd swallowed her pride and asked Theo to do the physical exam; Moira couldn't as her supervisor, and she couldn't stomach the thought of taking her clothes off in front of someone she didn't know.</p><p>Remus offered to come with her to the hospital, but she knew he needed to catch up on work before his full moon leave. Dora would have to be there for the physical exam anyway, in accordance with the Aurory's procedures, so she told him she'd be okay. She hoped that was true.</p><p>Monday mid-morning found her in a small room in the emergency wing much like the ones where she'd cared for dozens of patients. She removed everything except her bra, trading it for a gray hospital gown. As Theo came in, she tugged her cardigan back on and hopped up on the edge of the table. Dora perched on a chair in the corner while he stood somewhat awkwardly in the middle of the room.</p><p>"Are you sure you still want me to - " </p><p>"Yeah. Thank you for agreeing to help." Hermione offered him a slight smile. At least his warm brown eyes were free of pity or judgment, which was more than she could say for some of her co-workers. She hoped that'd still be true once they were done.</p><p>"Least I can do."</p><p>She'd gathered that Theo and Draco were friends, and she knew he hadn't been in Brian's circle, but it still felt strange to have to reveal the nature of the case and the identity of her abuser to more people who knew her. Her name hadn't made the papers yet, but the pre-trial detention of a pureblood scion had spawned at least a dozen speculative articles in less than a week, all picking apart John's brief press conference and the statements released by Brian's representative.</p><p>She watched a muscle in Theo's jaw twitch as he scanned the parchment Dora handed him. She knew what it contained: a detached, well-organized list of the things that had been done to her, created from John's exhaustive review of her memories. Dates, names of the implements she'd been beaten with and where, how she'd been drugged, where and with what she'd been penetrated. Whether she'd been healed afterward, by whom, with which spells. Question marks when she'd lost consciousness or been too high for her memories to provide conclusive information.</p><p>Theo went pale under the harsh light. "I'm so sorry, Hermione."</p><p>"Let's just get it over with, yeah?"</p><p>He gave her a slight nod, his professional mask slipping back into place. "Let's start with the documentation and then move onto the diagnostic portion. I can do a thorough physical exam if you want, or if you know the areas I'll need to - "</p><p>"I do. It's not a lot. I was healed most of the time, well enough on the outside, at least. Um, I have some scars on my back from June 19th. The caning. And my arm, from the splinch when I Apparated home."</p><p>She felt raw and the words tumbled out as if she was talking about someone else. Theo stepped back, giving her ample room as she hopped down from the narrow table. She laid her cardigan over it, and after a moment's hesitation she unfastened the ties at the back, parting the gown. His inhale was just sharp enough to be heard. The rustle of paper and quill, and then - </p><p>"I'll need to take photographs."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>His footsteps. The click of a camera, once and then twice, capturing the discolored stripes that crisscrossed her body at irregular intervals from ribcage to thigh. Odd to think that her failed attempts to heal the ruined skin might now do some good.</p><p>"You can sit down."</p><p>She re-fastened the gown and hopped back up on the table, lifting the right sleeve. He came close long enough to snap a picture of the jagged scar where her bicep had torn.</p><p>When he was done, she wrapped herself in the cardigan again, pulling it tight around her like armor. She'd stayed as still as she could, but she wondered if the enchanted pictures were sensitive enough to capture her trembling.</p><p>"Is there anything else that you want me to document before we move onto the spells?" </p><p>"Um - " Her mouth was too dry. "I have internal scar tissue. But I don't want you to examine that."</p><p>"That's alright," he said, his voice calm, reassuring. "I can still note it if you'd like. Will you tell me where?"</p><p>"Rectal," she whispered, looking down. "It's probably from the same night, but I'm not sure." She'd healed her organs and the worst of the caning injuries before she got out of the mansion, at least she thought, but she was in a fog of agony too intense to do much else. And when she got home, healing wasn't the first thing on her mind.</p><p>"Okay." The scratch of a quill again. Her quick breath sounded loud in the still room. "Is it alright if I run the diagnostics now?"</p><p>At her nod, he put up a general one, then a series of targeted ones. He was slow, methodical, taking notes alongside some of the dates and additional notes at the bottom.</p><p>She scanned the spells, professional curiosity distracting her from her discomfort. She'd never run such extensive diagnostics on herself, only a few here and there to tell her what needed to be healed. She never sought medical care for her injuries, or anything else, really. The general spell flagged old injuries in several areas. The series of targeted ones showed the numerous bones that had healed from fractures or breaks, the central nervous system damage from the potions. He ran a targeted brain scan.</p><p>"I don't think I've seen that one before. Is it for the concussions?" she asked. Brian had sometimes healed the bruises and fractured bones that went along with them - he liked his toys pretty, after all - but his limited healing skills didn't extend to head injuries. She hadn't been in any shape to try to heal them herself.</p><p>"It corroborates them, but also shows traces of potion abuse and how your brain's healed from it. And you have limbic system activity consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder."</p><p>"Oh." </p><p>It was a bit like being taken apart from the inside out. She appreciated that healing magic meant she didn't have to go through the more invasive examinations and tests she'd have had to endure in a Muggle hospital. But it still made her feel bare, in a discomfiting way. </p><p>"My liver and kidneys have healed."</p><p>"That's a good thing," he reminded her, scrawling something else.</p><p>It was, but it was one less thing that could be used to prove the veracity of her memories. She tried to be grateful anyhow.</p><p>"From June to September, the record indicates you were still taking the potions for the sake of experimentation, but it doesn't say - "</p><p>"Um, I used Divination. Sort of." He raised an eyebrow and she hesitantly elaborated. "Lucid dreaming - a few things I picked up from Muggle books, but mostly from wizarding research. It doesn't work with dreamless, but I can regain consciousness after being dosed with calming and pain potions and shake off some of the disorientation."</p><p>"That's brilliant." She rolled her eyes, but Theo said, "No, really, a few researchers have experimented with things like that, but you're the first one I've heard of having any success. You should publish. Is Draco calling a Divination expert for the trial?"</p><p>"I'll ask him." </p><p>She tried not to betray too much disdain at the thought of contributing anything to the field beyond Arithmancy, which didn't count. Pureblood wizarding culture held a reverence for Divination she could never grasp. Really, as far as she was concerned, lucid dreaming was only technically a part of the discipline. It was more rooted in science and psychology than tea leaves and tarot cards.</p><p>The Mind Healer, Susan, wasn't as enamored of her experiments. Her office was up near the Janus Thickey ward, three floors above Hermione's. They'd never met, which she tried to remind herself was a good thing. An impartial evaluation would be crucial for the case, and at least if she had to discuss the worst things she'd ever been through, it was with someone she was unlikely to have to work with in the future.</p><p>Dora sat outside this time. The Healer was a white woman around Remus's age. Pretty. She had the kind of professionally courteous manner that felt insincere enough to feed the knot of anxiety in Hermione's stomach.</p><p>She scanned the document that detailed the events of Hermione's abuse, now expanded upon with Theo's notes. Her questions, though, went back years earlier; Hermione's relationship with her parents, her experiences before and during the war, her friendships, her relationships with Viktor and Ron, her grief. </p><p>Though she felt a flicker of anxious guilt over the lie, Hermione sidestepped the question of what had happened to her parents by writing it off to the war. Enough Muggleborn families had disappeared without a trace and without documentation after the Ministry takeover, and she couldn't repay Kingsley's kindness by getting them both in trouble.</p><p>"And you were already drinking regularly prior to meeting Mr. Abbott?"</p><p>She twisted her hands in her lap. "Yes. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't handle Harry's death well, and - and I still blamed myself for what happened to my parents."</p><p>"How frequently and in what quantities?"</p><p>"Um, three or four days a week over the summer. A lot. I cut back by September, though, when my Healing classes started. A couple of drinks once or twice a week then."</p><p>The scratch of quill against parchment again, on a separate record this time. The noise got under Hermione's skin like sandpaper.</p><p>"Did you ever drink when you were around Mr. Abbott?"</p><p>"No." At the Healer's skeptical look, Hermione quickly added, "I knew it wasn't safe. To drink and - and engage in the things that we did. I stopped altogether around the time we began dating, but when I started resisting, he forced - "</p><p>"Yes. The potions." Susan glanced at the record of Hermione's memories. It listed not only the potions that had been forced on her, but on the ones she'd taken herself. "How did it make you feel when you began taking them?"</p><p>"I didn't want to take them." Hermione tried to keep the snappishness from her voice.</p><p>"But surely you had some reaction."</p><p>"Powerless. Trapped." She sighed. "Sometimes it was a relief - I couldn't escape what he was doing, but at least I could escape being fully conscious of it for a while. But most of the time it was awful, still being in pain and not feeling like I was in my right mind."</p><p>"Tell me what the relationship was like at first. Did you enjoy being with Mr. Abbott?"</p><p>She fought the nausea that threatened to bring up the breakfast Remus had insisted on. "At first. I didn't always like what he did, but I - I liked being with him."</p><p>"What did you like about it?"</p><p>"I was lonely at the time and I'm not proud of it, but it was good to have someone around. And I liked the structure of our relationship at first. I liked serving him." She whispered it. The words sounded pathetic, even to her own ears, and her answers to the next few questions about her submission were brief.</p><p>"What changed?"</p><p>"I got in trouble for using safe words or reminding him about my limits. He was very strict - more than I expected. I obeyed because I was afraid of him, not because I wanted to. I tried to speak up, but he would ignore me or punish me, until - until I tried to leave about three months in, and that's the first time he - " She inhaled sharply. "Um, he beat me more harshly than before. Until I bled. And forced himself on me. That's also when he started with the potions."</p><p>"Ah, yes." Susan scanned the record. Hermione wondered if the lack of emotion was a Mind Healer thing or just her personality. "The whip that was modified."</p><p>The words didn't adequately capture what it was like to have a cat laced with barbed wire or glass or any number of other "modifications" turned on you. The sound the leather made as it sped through the air just before it hit your skin. The agony when it did. The warmth of blood trickling from the wounds.</p><p>"And when you used on your own, was that also to escape? You overdosed a few times."</p><p>"I didn't - I didn't think I could get away from him. I felt trapped. It was the only way I could cope," she said quietly. "And a lot of the time it was just to deal with the cravings and withdrawal. The overdoses were accidents, except for the one in June. That's when I started trying to learn how to resist them."</p><p>She sat through an interrogation about her experiments. Actually, the entire conversation felt like an interrogation, and she vacillated between shame and frustration and anxiety, unsure whether she was being too sensitive or if behind Susan's professional mask the woman was as judgmental as she feared. </p><p>Sabine's specialty in treating trauma had spoiled her. The discipline of psychology in the wizarding world was decades behind that of Muggles, still discounted and stigmatized. Few people sought treatment unless they had no other choice, and the most severe cases were locked away in private homes or in the Janus Thickey ward, out of sight. The concept of trauma-informed services had barely gotten a footing in the Muggle world, and was virtually unknown among wizards, even for abuse survivors.</p><p>The volley of questions about why she didn't speak up or leave sooner made the words stick in her throat. Her answers about her life in France were brief, perfunctory. The less she said, the less could be misinterpreted, she hoped.</p><p>"And have you dated or been sexually active since the breakup?"</p><p>"Since the escape." She emphasized the word. "Not for the first few years. I dated a guy in France for a few months, late 2003. And I've been in a relationship since October."</p><p>The awkward questions about how she'd met Robert and Remus, what they were like, what had led to her breakup in France, and then - </p><p>"Do you engage in the same activities with your current partner?"</p><p>"A few of them, but it's not the same. He's very careful with my safety and we've never done anything I don't want. He's never - um, never raped or injured me."</p><p>"But you would characterize it as a BDSM relationship?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>She clenched her hands in her lap. The outside scrutiny of her relationship with Remus felt like a violation. Even with reassurance from their friends who understood, even knowing in her heart that she was happy with him and he was good for her and it was nothing like before, the shame from others' judgment still made her feel responsible for what Brian had done to her.</p><p>It felt like ages, but when she glanced at the copper wristwatch her father had given her for her 16th birthday, only two hours had passed. Hermione endured Dora's well-meant concern as they made it back to the house and thanked her for staying while Remus was at work, but retreated to solitude as quickly as possible.</p><p>She called Sabine first, a short conversation just to ask if she'd be willing to testify and to discuss possible times to visit and talk about the case. Having a plan to counter whatever damage might be done by Susan's report made her feel less powerless, but she was still numb from the day's events. So she brewed.</p><p>Veritaserum this time. Producing it without a special Ministry license was illegal, but she intended to vanish it as soon as she was done anyway. She'd lost track of time and finally got her mind to quiet down by the time she heard footsteps on the stairs - Remus's, she knew by the pattern and weight, but her wards confirmed it.</p><p>He paused a few feet away from her, leaning against the steel counter. She finished chopping the lovage fine and neat and stirred it in, seven times clockwise and ten counterclockwise, before she put the cauldron under a stasis spell.</p><p>"How was work?" she asked, stepping past him to her cabinet to withdraw a small amber vial that held a restorative potion.</p><p>"Chaotic, but I survived. Come here, angel." He laid a hand on her arm and she flinched reflexively.</p><p>"I'm sorry." They said it at the same time.</p><p>"No, really - I - I'm okay, it was just a rough day. Here." She gave him a small smile, pressing the vial into his hand.</p><p>"You're not okay," he said, narrowing his eyes sternly at her for fibbing before he downed the potion. "You don't brew like this when you're okay." He refrained from mentioning her jumpiness; she hoped she hadn't upset him by pulling away. </p><p>"You're right. Oh - " Remembering where she was, she blushed and vanished the potion.</p><p>His lips quirked. "More Draught of Living Death?"</p><p>"Worse," she said sheepishly. "Veritaserum. Sorry, I should have picked something else, I wasn't thinking about - "</p><p>"You <em>are</em> a little rebel," he teased with a rumbling laugh that made her feel somewhat better about committing a crime that carried a five-year prison term in his basement. </p><p>She hadn't thought twice, because it had started to feel like home. Like it was hers, too.</p><p>She set that thought aside to worry about when she didn't feel like she'd been split into several very disconnected pieces. "I should probably try harder to refrain from being such a rebel when I'm staying with an upstanding member of the DMLE."</p><p>"Now, where's the fun in that?" </p><p>The familiar warmth and humor on his face, even worn as he was this close to the full, made her feel safe - made her feel human for the first time in hours. Her throat constricted as she tucked herself against him, hugging him tightly.</p><p>He surrounded her in the strength of his arms and stroked her hair. After a few minutes, he kissed the top of her head. "Come on, baby girl. I bet you're overdue for lunch and dinner, and I just happen to have the fixings for a gourmet cheese toastie upstairs."</p><p>She breathed a watery giggle. "I missed you."</p>
<hr/><p>Hermione woke crying out and sobbing a few times Monday night. She felt guilty for disrupting Remus's sleep when he was already under the weather due to the Wolfsbane, but he refused to let her take the guest room. The comfort of his closeness helped her get back to sleep each time, however restlessly. She'd talked a bit about what happened at the hospital, and he insisted on taking care of the arrangements and going with her to see Sabine later in the week.</p><p>She napped with him some throughout Tuesday, her exhaustion warring with her excitement over the Wolfsbane trial. A Floo call with Liam, her contact in the Potions department at the hospital, reassured her that everything was squared away; a small herd of infected nifflers had been dosed with her new formula. All that was left to do was record the creatures' vitals and wait until morning.</p><p>"It's a shame I'm too worn out to step up my distraction game," Remus said with a chuckle as he set their latest fantasy book aside and carded a hand through her curls.</p><p>She looked up, nuzzling her cheek to his thigh. "I love story time, Daddy. Really."</p><p>"I know, but usually you're a relaxed little puddle at my feet instead of a bundle of nerves. It's alright with me if you need to go to the hospital just for tonight, baby girl."</p><p>"I'd rather be with you," she said, surprised to find she meant it. "I never get to spend the full with you. And it's not like watching their every squeak and spike in heart rate will make the night go faster."</p><p>"Are you sure? I'm terrible company."</p><p>"Of course I want to be with you." A frown touched her mouth when she recalled what he'd said when they first began dating. <em>I'm accustomed to being alone.</em> "Are - are you sure you want me here?"</p><p>"Come here." He tugged her hair lightly and she rose from the floor to settle on his lap. "I want you with me, angel. Always. I'm just - " He sighed. "I don't like being seen like this."</p><p>"You never leave me alone when I'm hurting." She planted a kiss on his cheek.</p><p>"Yes, well, I might be a bit of a hypocrite," he admitted. "And I'll adjust. I am glad you're here, baby girl."</p><p>Her lips curved into a soft smile. "Do you want to go outside tonight? The weather's clear. And I can warm the garden."</p><p>"That'd be lovely, actually."</p><p>As it was nearing twilight, she went to grab another potion for him, one that would help with nausea and blunt the pain of the transformation. He took it as she levitated some blankets and cushions outside, setting warming charms around a wide swathe of the garden. When she was done setting everything up, she flopped down and tugged his hand until he joined her, lying on her back and watching the sky change.</p><p>The colorful sunset gave way to a gray-blue stillness. As it deepened, she could time the transformation by the way his breathing became more labored and his arm tensed next to hers. As the cramps started to hit, his hand tightened around hers for a second before he let it go, sitting up.</p><p>"You're not going to hurt me, Remus," she whispered when he stood and moved away. She knew the look; he was afraid that the potion might not work. He was such a gentle person that the anxiety over hurting someone had dogged him for as long as she'd known him. </p><p>He didn't respond - perhaps he couldn't. The snapping of bones started seconds later.</p><p>No matter how many transformations she watched - and she'd watched hundreds by now, sometimes surrounded by twenty or thirty wolves at once - it was still heartbreaking. No amount of palliative and restorative potions could entirely soften the brutality it wreaked on their bodies, and the Wolfsbane made it worse, leaving them too sick and weary to cope with the pain. It took away who they were as wolves; not only blunting the quick healing and some of the other reflexes and abilities inherent in werewolf biology, but also their sense of self and identity.</p><p>The Ministry would never allow werewolves any sort of legal standing without it. She stowed her perennial anger over that for another time.</p><p>It took about three or four minutes in total, and he was groaning by the end of it. He was more beautiful like this than she remembered, but of course, she'd been scared shitless back in Third Year when it happened, so she hadn't paid much attention to how he looked. She tucked her legs beneath her, holding his gaze with the best stern look she could manage until he relented and made his way back to the nest of blankets.</p><p>"That's better," she said as she reached for him. She had to tug a little before he gave in and settled himself half-on her lap, careful not to shred her jeans with his claws. He seemed to settle, some of the pain receding.</p><p>His fur was brown, but up close she could see that the mere description didn't do it justice; copper and gold and mahogany shot through his coat, reminding her of a forest floor in autumn. It was breathtaking, and overcome with the gratitude that he allowed her to see him so vulnerable, she looped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck, hugging him close.</p><p>He leaned into the hug with a huff of what might have been pleasure or exasperation. When she loosened her grip, she brushed her lips to his ear and murmured, "I love you, Remus Lupin."</p><p>He met her eyes and she could read the emotion in his. They were the same green as in his human form, like malachite, dapped with striations of light and dark. After a moment, he nudged her with his snout.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>He kept nudging her, nuzzling at her stomach and sides until she squirmed. </p><p>"Daddy, that tickles," she said through her laughter. She didn't need his mischievous expression to know that was his goal, and it took her a second to figure out what he wanted. "Oh, alright - "</p><p>She wriggled out from under him and took her Animagus form, circling him where his head lay on the blanket and rubbing up against his snout. The world was always a bit different like this. Unlike being a werewolf, being a cat wasn't an inherent part of her biology. The magical transformation meant she could keep her clothes and there wasn't any pain. It also meant her acuity of hearing, smell, and sight didn't linger once she was back in her skin the way Remus's did, but she didn't mind that so much. Sometimes it could be overwhelming.</p><p>He chased her around their corner of the garden for a while, and when he got tired and laid down, she pounced on him and batted at him playfully. The deep growls that rippled through him reminded her of the rumble of his laugh. Eventually she resumed her human form and pulled him into her lap again, reading to him. When he fell asleep, she curled around him and nuzzled into his fur.</p><p>The next thing she knew, dawn was breaking. She realized with a start that she'd fallen asleep at some point in the night, and that he'd woken her when he got up.</p><p>She was grateful he didn't go so far away this time, both because she hoped it meant he'd begun to feel safer with her, and because it made her job easier. Once he was back in his human form, shivering, she wrapped him tightly in a blanket and held his head while she gave him something for the pain and something to relax his muscles and help him get to sleep more easily.</p><p>"Is it alright if I levitate you inside?"</p><p>At his nod, she gathered a few things and figured she'd clean up the rest later. With a flick of her wand, they made their way through the door into the kitchen. She Transfigured the couch before settling him on it in the living room. </p><p>He fell back asleep almost immediately, and she stepped into the kitchen and set a silencing spell while she called Liam and awaited his owl. She was tempted to go through the data he'd sent, but she was knackered herself, so she left it on the table and made her way back to the living room.</p><p>Remus stirred as the couch dipped with her weight. "C'mere, little one. Jeans off."</p><p>"Yes, Daddy." She shimmied out of them, leaving just her Radiohead t-shirt and panties. </p><p>He unfurled the blanket just enough to drag her back against his chest and tuck it around her, kissing her shoulder. She giggled as he wrapped a possessive arm around her and mumbled into her hair, "Mine."</p><p>"Love you." No sooner had he returned the sentiment than she felt him relax into sleep, and it wasn't long before she followed.</p>
<hr/><p>The chime of a text message woke Hermione Wednesday afternoon. She was glad Remus didn't stir where he was still wrapped around her.</p><p>She yawned and flipped her phone open. Tapping a response, she carefully extricated herself from his arms and tugged her jeans back on before she padded into the kitchen to make coffee. She'd just gotten to the library and put up a silencing spell when Draco popped through the fireplace.</p><p>"You might want to check for doxy eggs." He smirked and gestured vaguely in the direction of her head.</p><p>She raked a hand through her bedhead. As usual, he didn't have a single silver-blonde hair out of place. He'd mentioned taking over his father's businesses when he wasn't moonlighting as a court rep; they must have been doing very well, because his robes probably cost her entire salary. "You're the one who dragged me out of a dead sleep after a full moon. We can't all wake up perfect, Malibu Ken."</p><p>She was fairly certain he was too unfamiliar with Muggle toys to get the reference, but he gave her a look of mock offense. "I'll have you know this takes hours!"</p><p>"Right." She rolled her eyes and punched his arm good-naturedly. "Well, I'm sure you didn't come all the way over here just for the witty banter. Is this the kind of conversation you're going to need a hot beverage for? I've got coffee made, or I can put the kettle on - "</p><p>"Unfortunately, yes. Coffee works."</p><p>She dropped her silencing ward and put it back up in the kitchen, pouring him the rest of the small pot. She started to open the refrigerator to grab milk but he retrieved the mug from her hand and took a sip before he said, "I take it black. And this is...actually decent. You're just full of surprises, Granger."</p><p>She snorted. "I try. Hey, since you're here, Theo suggested I ask if you'd arranged for a Divination expert."</p><p>The touch of humor that had played at the corners of his mouth disappeared. "I'm working on it."</p><p>"You don't look optimistic."</p><p>"Oh, I'll take care of it, don't worry." She pinned him with a stare until he sighed. "Okay, fine. I'm not thrilled about having to beg my harpy of an ex for help, but I swear I'll take care of it. She's just making me twist first."</p><p>Her stomach sank. "Please tell me the list of your harpy exes is longer than Parkinson."</p><p>"Oh, it is, but unfortunately the list of harpy exes who are also Divination experts is, um, very short."</p><p>"Fucking hell. Is there anyone else we could ask who maybe doesn't hate me? And isn't related to both Brian and his rep?"</p><p>"For what it's worth, Pans hates her Uncle Timotheus, and she's not a fan of Abbott. Enemy of my enemy and all that. Plus, she and Abbott are like third cousins twice removed, which is basically strangers as far as pureblood families go."</p><p>"She also hates me and isn't a fan of you, apparently." Hermione took another healthy swallow of coffee. It made her less grumpy, but it was starting to feed the knot of anxiety in her stomach.</p><p>"Pretty sure she hates me more than you," Draco said with a rueful grin. "But I'll eat enough crow to get her on our side, I promise."</p><p>"There isn't anyone else?"</p><p>"Well, yes, but I'd take our chances with Pansy over Luna Lovegood. No offense, I know you do-gooders like to stick together - "</p><p>She loved Luna to bits, but she had enough image and credibility issues already. "None taken. I talked to my therapist, by the way. We're going down to see her tomorrow. She's agreed to testify."</p><p>"I'm glad one of us has good news. That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about - John may have 'accidentally' left the roll of parchment containing your psych eval in an unsecured area and I may have taken a look at it - "</p><p>"That bad, huh?" Hermione's stomach sank lower. "I should have vetted the options more thoroughly."</p><p>"Mungo's doesn't have any experts in this particular area. It was going to be a gamble no matter who we asked for." </p><p>He started to say something else, but Remus wished them good morning as he came into the room, running a hand through his sandy hair, which stuck up adorably in several different directions. He'd had the presence of mind to put on the pajama trousers she'd left on the coffee table, thank goodness.</p><p>"You two look serious," he said with a touch of grogginess. "What did I miss?"</p><p>Hermione busied herself with filling the kettle and tapping it with her wand as she spoke, pulling down teabags and honey from the cabinet. "Draco was just telling me that he's arranged a Divination expert who hopefully won't ruin my credibility. That's if I have any left after the Mind Healer's testimony. Let me guess, she thought I had it coming?"</p><p>"She believes you were traumatized from the war and from some of the things that happened with Abbott, and that it's quite possible some of it wasn't consensual, she just - " Draco broke off with a shrug.</p><p>"She just what?" Remus asked, an undercurrent of tension in his voice.</p><p>"She concluded that you were prone to impulsive, self-destructive behavior. And she diagnosed you with borderline personality disorder."</p><p>"Of course she fucking did. I should have seen that coming, trauma survivor with a vagina and all." Hermione's sigh was resigned as she handed Remus his tea. "Thanks for the heads up, anyway. At least it gives my therapist something to go on."</p><p>"Yeah. I'm sorry I don't have better news." Draco followed them into the dining room and took the seat across from them. "I'm afraid there's something else - James Selwyn's wand was a match for the ward breach at your apartment. And he and Rowle Jr. flipped under interrogation."</p><p>"That's good, right?" Remus said. "Min's got memories of them."</p><p>"It would be excellent news, except that I had to come to a - gentleman's agreement - with Timotheus Parkinson."</p><p>"Oh, hell." Hermione downed the rest of her coffee. "Let me guess, Remus and Ron for Selwyn and Rowle?"</p><p>"And anyone else we would have brought forth as an accomplice. Selwyn's role in the breach still stays a part of the investigation record, though, so at least we've got that, even if we can't call him to testify."</p><p>"Why would you agree to that?" Remus asked. "I mean, if his friends are willing to turn on him - "</p><p>Hermione shared a dark look with Draco, who thankfully took the liberty of answering before she had to. "Victims and defendants can't be compelled to testify, but anyone else can. And we can't afford to leave an opening for them to force you or Weasley on the stand."</p><p>"We can get Ron on board - " </p><p>She hated having to strip Remus of what faith he still had in the system. His expertise was limited to the investigatory side of things, since Legilimens weren't called to testify after a retrieval. She'd gathered that he hadn't seen enough abuse trials up close to know the dirty tricks. Or to understand how painful it would be.</p><p>Draco cut in, more bluntly than she could have managed. "The first thing they'll ask is if you've ever hit a woman and if you enjoyed it. Then they'll ask if you've ever hit Hermione and whether she asked for it or enjoyed it. And those are the easy questions. Trust me, mate, you don't want to testify."</p><p>"Bloody hell." Remus scrubbed a weary hand over his face.</p><p>"Thanks for arranging that. I know it probably wasn't easy."</p><p>"Gryffindors," he said with a shake of his head. "I bring you a pile of thestral dung and you thank me for it."</p><p>She rolled her eyes as Remus echoed her thanks, standing to walk Draco out.</p><p>"It'll be okay," Draco reminded her, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Just do the best you can to prep your therapist, and we'll dig into strategy more when you get back."</p><p>She nodded as they left. By the time Remus got back, she had a sandwich made, and as he sat down she unrolled the sheaves of parchment with the data from the Wolfsbane trial.</p><p>She could feel him studying her, and when he didn't eat, she looked up to see pain and guilt in the lines of his face, the same look he'd given her after that disastrous dinner with Ron. She reached for his hand. "It's not your fault."</p><p>"If I hadn't - "</p><p>"You did it to protect me. And you were right when you said there weren't any other options. He wouldn't have stopped." She rubbed her thumb over his palm. "It's going to suck, but you can't keep blaming yourself for that, Daddy. We'll get through it."</p><p>After a moment, he nodded, squeezing her hand before he released it to pick up the sandwich. By the time he was done, she'd skimmed the data and summoned her notebook to begin working a probability that would extrapolate how the potion's effectiveness might change when used on human subjects.</p><p>"Dragging you back to bed looks like a losing battle," Remus teased when he got up and washed the plate. He brushed her hair back and took her face in his hands, leaning down to press a tender kiss to her forehead. "Be a good girl and don't work too hard."</p><p>"Yes, sir." She shot him a small, genuine smile, watching him go. </p><p>The lovely night and the prospect of a day trip to Marseille softened the blow of Draco's bad news. She was surprised to find her promise to Remus was more than a platitude. She'd started to believe that she'd make it through with her sanity intact.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. put your tiny hand in mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Claiming for r/fanfiction trope bingo - bear hug.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I will be your father figure (oh, baby)</em><br/>
<em>Put your tiny hand in mine (I'd love to)</em><br/>
<em>I will be your preacher teacher (be your daddy)</em><br/>
<em>Anything you have in mind (it would make me)</em><br/>
<em>I will be your father figure (very happy)</em><br/>
<em>I have had enough of crime (please let me)</em><br/>
<em>I will be the one who loves you</em><br/>
<em>'Til the end of time</em>
</p><p>George Michael, "Father Figure"</p><p>Friday, January 28, 2005</p><p>"It's a shame we can't stay."</p><p>Hermione slipped her hand into Remus's as they stepped out of the cafe in Marseille's wizarding enclave where they'd met with Sabine. He was relieved that seeing her and being back in France - or maybe just away from England - seemed to lift Hermione's spirits. The coast was sunny and cool this time of year, a pleasant change from the dreary winter they'd left behind.</p><p>"Do you miss it?" </p><p>"It was nice to be able to travel the continent without having to fuss with Portkeys." She shrugged one shoulder, and after a moment added in a small voice, "I miss the freedom. Back home, everyone thinks they already know everything about me. Here I could just be - be myself, I guess. But I'm still glad I came home."</p><p>He smiled and cupped her cheek, stroking with his thumb. He had to Occlude to avoid spilling his guts. "Me, too. Are you ready to go?"</p><p>When she nodded, he pulled her close and side-along Apparated, but not to the Ministry's Portkey point. It was worth every bit of subterfuge over the last few days to see the look on her face when her eyes left his and met the sea.</p><p>"Remus, what - "</p><p>His lips quirked. "We're staying."</p><p>She exhaled a heady laugh, turning to take in the blue cottage across the grass behind them. "Where even <em>are</em> we?"</p><p>"Porquerolles, off the coast near Toulon. The house is ours, at least until Tuesday morning. I already let everyone know we'd be gone a few days, but we can head back early if you'd be more comfortable - "</p><p>"I want to stay." She pounced on him, wrapping her arms around him so tight she knocked the breath from his lungs. "Thank you, Daddy. You're the best."</p><p>He nuzzled into her curls, kissing the top of her head. "You're welcome, angel."</p><p>She let him go and took his hand again, allowing him to lead her up the steps and across the wraparound porch. He set wards and showed her around the house.</p><p>"Did you do all of this?" she asked as she took in the stocked kitchen and her overnight bag in the airy bedroom.</p><p>"Mm. I owe you an apology, I may not have been entirely truthful about my whereabouts yesterday afternoon." He took a seat on the couch in the living room and tugged her sideways onto his lap. "I know you still carry your life on your back, but I wasn't sure how many extra sets of clothes you had, so I packed a pair of jeans and your hiking boots. And a few other things."</p><p>"Remus Lupin, you sneak. You're forgiven." She pressed her lips to his and he smiled against her mouth.</p><p>He savored the tender pressure, the way she teased at his lips with her tongue, then reluctantly broke the kiss. "You need rest, little one."</p><p>"I want - "</p><p>He touched her lips with a gentle finger. "We'll do whatever you want once you've gotten some rest, I promise." Then he thought for a second and added, "Except anything work or trial prep-related. Draco said he'd text if something urgent came up, and it'll still be there when we get back."</p><p>A frown played at her mouth. "Daddy - "</p><p>"I know the word 'vacation' has to be somewhere in that oversized dictionary in your head, little girl." The face she made as she looked down drew a chuckle, and he tucked a curl behind her ear. "When was the last time you voluntarily went four days without doing something work or school-related?"</p><p>She seemed to turn the question over in her mind. "When we were hunting Horcruxes I still did research, so that's out I guess, and you making me after Christmas doesn't really count.... Oh! The summer I was seven, I just read the entire Boxcar Children series. Although it was summer fiction for the next grade up, so maybe that doesn't count, either." </p><p>He shook his head, laughing as she blushed and bit her lip. "That's...I knew it was bad, angel, but I didn't realize it was that bad."</p><p>"But I <em>like</em> working."</p><p>"Which is why I know you've also got at least a few textbooks in that ridiculous bag of yours. And they're staying in it all weekend," he said with a note of sternness, tapping her nose. "You need a break."</p><p>"Ugh," she growled in exasperation. "Yes, sir."</p><p>"That's my good girl." He could tell she was still frustrated, but she tucked her head to his shoulder, relaxing under his touch as he carded his hand through her hair.</p><p>She stifled a yawn after several minutes of quiet cuddling, the only sound their breathing and the waves crashing against the shore outside. The meeting had gone well, but the long talk and having to rehash things again exhausted her, on top of an already trying week. He'd enjoyed finally meeting Sabine and was relieved that she would be testifying, and that she seemed to care deeply for Hermione.</p><p>"Nap time, little one. Arms around my neck." He brushed his lips to her temple and slipped an arm under her knees.</p><p>She wound them around him and he carried her to the bedroom, turning back the duvet with a spell and depositing her in the large bed. She shimmied out of her trousers, leaving just her blue cotton blouse and panties, baring the curve of her hip and thigh. Even anxious and worn out, she was so beautiful that his breath escaped him. Preoccupied with rearranging the pillows, she didn't notice.</p><p>After a minute, she shot him a hopeful glance. "Hold me? Please, Daddy?"</p><p>"Of course, baby girl." He slipped in beside her and tugged her into his embrace, wondering if she had any idea how she held his heart in her hands. She snuggled in close, and within minutes, her breathing had evened out into sleep.</p>
<hr/><p>The creak of the door and the padding of her feet down the short hallway alerted Remus that Hermione had woken. She appeared at the edge of the living room, the lamp and the moon casting a chiaroscuro glow over her face and giving her mussed curls a halo.</p><p>He set the book in his hands aside as she wandered over. "Hey there, pretty girl. Did you sleep well?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. It's late, though." </p><p>"It's alright, I'm glad you slept long. Are you hungry?"</p><p>At her nod, he led her into the kitchen and set her on the counter, sorting their height difference. She'd swapped her blouse for one of his t-shirts, and he rested his hands on her bare thighs. </p><p>"Do you want a sandwich? I can cook something if you'd like. I ate earlier."</p><p>"A sandwich is good. Thank you." She smiled and leaned in to kiss him, nibbling at his bottom lip and sneaking her tongue into his mouth. </p><p>He let her deepen the kiss, and quiet whimpers rose from her throat as she coaxed his tongue into her mouth and sucked it. Her arms snaked around his waist and she clutched at his back, her thighs squeezing his hips.</p><p>She broke the kiss to say, "Please, Daddy - " Her cheeks flamed and she bit her lip.</p><p>"What is it, little one?" He gave her hair a light tug and she clutched him tighter with her thighs. "Do you want something?"</p><p>She was timid about initiating sex, but she'd gotten bolder when he gave her space in the wake of Zain's death, wanting to go at her pace. He'd done the same in the last couple of weeks, wary of causing more stress or triggering her after dredging up so much of the past. </p><p>"I want to taste you."</p><p>"Do you, now?" he murmured as she nuzzled her nose to his.</p><p>She nodded eagerly. "Pretty please. I'll be good, I promise."</p><p>
  <em>Don't hurt me, please, I’ll be good - I promise I’ll be good, please don't make me - </em>
</p><p>He stiffened involuntarily, shutting his eyes, unable to school his face quickly enough.</p><p>"What's wrong?" she asked, and when he met her eyes she was worrying her bottom lip again. "I - I'm sorry, this was a bad idea, wasn't it? I shouldn't have - "</p><p>"Shh, angel." He laid his palm against her cheek and brushed his lips to her brow. He could read the fear of rejection on her face. Wrapping her in his arms, he tried to sort through how to say what he needed to. "I love you, Hermione. And I want that very much, if you feel up for it."</p><p>"Did I say something wrong?" Some of the tension left her body at his reassurance and the hug, and her curls tickled his jaw as she nuzzled her cheek to his shoulder. </p><p>"No, baby girl. I just remembered what happened during your flashback, and it jarred me."</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"It's not your fault."</p><p>"Will you tell me about it?"</p><p>He sighed, tightening his arms around her and rubbing her back. "You pleaded with me not to hurt you, the way you do sometimes in your nightmares. I didn't realize it until after, but you were begging me not to make you take the calming draught, I think. And after - " He swallowed hard. "After I did, you begged me to kill you."</p><p>"I'm so sorry, Daddy," she whispered again as she lifted her head and met his eyes. "I can't imagine how awful that was for you. It's not you I was afraid of, not really. And I know you were trying to help."</p><p>"It's not your fault, little one," he reminded her.</p><p>"Do you think about it a lot? Or about - about the memories you saw?"</p><p>"When I withdrew them, it erased a lot of the specifics. You know how sometimes you know something happened, but not exactly what it felt or looked like - like you read about it in a book?" At her nod, he continued, "It's sort of like that when you extract something into the Pensieve. It's not like it is for you. I don't want you to worry about that."</p><p>"I wish I could just be - be normal. That we could be normal and this didn't have to be so hard on you."</p><p>"Oh, angel." He brushed her hair back from her face, holding her gaze. "I love you just the way you are. I hate that someone hurt you, and I hate that you're being put through more pain, but I love every part of you. <em>Every</em> part, Min. I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else but here."</p><p>"I love you, too." Her lips curved into a small smile. "Is - is it really okay that I wanted to, um - " </p><p>"Yes, baby girl, it's always okay. And it pleases me when you speak up about what you want. I've backed off only because I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for."</p><p>"You never have. You're so good to me, Remus." She rested her forehead against his. "It's just - for the first time since all this started it's not taking up all the real estate in my head, and I miss feeling close to you like that. And I'm probably going to go back to being a mess next week, but I'm really glad you brought me here."</p><p>"Even though I won't let you work?" he asked with a grin.</p><p>She scrunched her nose at him. "Even though. Is there something I can do so I don't trigger the bad memories?"</p><p>"No, but talking about it helped. I couldn't ask you not to beg me, angel. I love it when you do." He offered her a reassuring smile and ran through a set of Occlumency exercises, organizing his mind more thoroughly. Being adept with mind magic offered benefits in this kind of situation, as long as one didn't veer too far into repression. </p><p>"'Kay." She kissed him, nipping at his bottom lip.</p><p>"Mm. You're going to eat dinner and then we're going to pick up that conversation where we left off, little tease."</p><p>"Yes, sir." The sound of her giggle tugged at his heart; he hadn't heard it enough lately.</p><p>When she was done eating, he carried her back to the living room and settled her on the couch on his lap, her legs on either side of his this time. His knit sleeping trousers and her lace and cotton panties weren't much of a barrier, the feeling of her heat through the fabric making him harden beneath her.</p><p>She nuzzled her nose to his and kissed him, soft at first and then deep, drawing his tongue into her mouth as he fisted a hand in her hair. It didn't take long for her to cant her hips, the scent of her arousal meeting his senses through the delicate fragrance of hibiscus and the sea. </p><p>"Needy little girl." His lips traveled over her cheek and neck, grazing her ear. "Did you miss sucking Daddy's cock?"</p><p>Her 'yes' was more like a pleading whimper, and he nibbled at her ear, tracing the shell with his tongue. "What else do you want, angel?"</p><p>"I - I want to feel you inside of me. And I know our stuff's at home and we can't, but...." She looked down.</p><p>"What is it?"</p><p>"I just wish you could tie me. It makes me feel so close to you. And safe."</p><p>It would be a mess of Portkey travel and Apparition, but the standing Portkey he'd gotten in case she wanted to go home early might come in handy after all. He tipped her head up, smiling as she met his eyes. "I know. I love it, too. We'll do it soon, I promise."</p><p>"Thank you, sir." When he moved the t-shirt aside to bite her shoulder, she moaned and pressed closer. "Fucking hell."</p><p>His answering chuckle was a hum against her skin as he laved the bite with his tongue. "Do you want to be tormented, baby girl?"</p><p>"Yes, please."</p><p>"Mm. You're going to tell me if you change your mind and want something else, or if it's too much. And you're going to use your safe words if you need to."</p><p>"Yes, sir." She met his eyes and the trust in hers bowled him over.</p><p>He brushed his lips to hers, running his hands down her back and squeezing her ass. "You're ruining those cute little panties, aren't you?"</p><p>She nodded. "I need you, Daddy."</p><p>He slipped his hands beneath the t-shirt to stroke her sides, cupping one of her breasts and thumbing her nipple, watching the part of her lips as she gasped and rubbed herself on his cock. "You're so beautiful, especially when you're needy. Take off my shirt and kneel on the couch."</p><p>She dragged the fabric over her head and tossed it aside, shifting off of his lap and onto her knees next to him. He took in the way she unconsciously licked her lips with anticipation when he freed his cock from his trousers and wrapped his other hand around it.</p><p>"Is this what you want, baby girl?" He ran his knuckles along her cheek as she watched him pump his shaft. Her oral fixation was both adorable and hot - he knew she loved serving him, that it made her feel connected to him. But it also made her wet as hell, even more so when he teased her about how much she craved it.</p><p>A whimper escaped her throat and she clenched her thighs together. "Yes. Please, Daddy, I need it. I need to taste you."</p><p>"I want you to hold my hand and pull away if something's wrong, angel. And you're not to come yet. Is that understood?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. I promise."</p><p>He smiled. "Go on, then."</p><p>She leaned forward and nuzzled his shaft, intertwining her fingers with his. He tugged her into him sideways on the couch, caressing her back. "Keep your ass in the air and your legs apart, there's a good girl."</p><p>She tilted her head to lap at his balls and then suckled them. He held her close, fluttering his fingertips along her spine and tracing the lines of her tattoo. When she released his balls, she rubbed her face against his shaft in that sweet, kittenish way.</p><p>"My precious girl. I love how much you love serving me." He went marble-hard as she kissed up his shaft and took the head of his cock into her mouth. Drawing his fingertips along the gusset of her panties, he drank in the sound of her frustrated moans and the way her hips writhed as he withdrew. </p><p>She lifted her head just enough to beg, fluttering her tongue against his frenulum. "Daddy, I'm aching. Please, I need you to fuck me."</p><p>"Not yet, baby girl." He dragged his nails lightly along the backs of her thighs. She whimpered in frustration and took him deeper, painting his shaft with her tongue. "I can feel how much you need it, but you want Daddy to take control, don't you?"</p><p>She nodded, sucking him eagerly, her noises of pleasure and need muffled on his length. Moans and growls of his own rose from his throat as he cuddled her while she had her way with him.</p><p>A deep shudder rippled through her after several minutes and she reluctantly lifted her head. "I - I'm so close, sir. I can't help it."</p><p>He gave her hair a light tug, pulling her up to kneel again and cupping her cheek as he took in her flushed skin and dark eyes. "On the bed, on your back. Show me how much you're aching."</p><p>She nuzzled his hand for a moment before clambering off the couch and making haste down the hallway to the bedroom. He sorted his trousers and followed her at a more leisurely pace. She lay at the center of the the large bed, her inky hair fanning across the cream pillows. The moonlight lent an ethereal glow to her golden skin as she shyly spread her thighs.</p><p>He smiled and stretched out next to her on his side, letting his fingertips trail over her cheek and jaw, watching her lips part as he stroked the silky expanse of her throat. She reached for him and started to roll towards him but he pressed her back down onto the bed, dipping his head to graze her neck with his lips. She stayed where she was, but let her hands roam over his torso and clutch lightly at his shoulders, seeming to crave his closeness.</p><p>He scattered kisses over her neck, eliciting a shiver. "I'm going to make love to you with my mouth, baby girl. Would you like that?"</p><p>"Yes, please," she whimpered. "I need you."</p><p>"I know you do. You're Daddy's good girl, though, aren't you? So obedient and patient." He bit down on her shoulder as he dragged his nails over her thigh. Her hips bucked against the air and she pleaded helplessly, spreading herself wider.</p><p>"There's my sweet little kitten in heat." He shifted to settle between her thighs and nuzzle her small breasts, taking one peaked nipple into his mouth and catching it between his teeth as she cursed.</p><p>She panted as he suckled it and swirled his tongue around it. "Please, Daddy," she whispered. "God, please - "</p><p>"You're lovely when you beg for me." He was grateful the memories stayed at bay this time as he lavished attention on its twin, feeling her writhe underneath him, seeking friction.</p><p>He shifted further down, running his mouth over her stomach and hipbone. She gasped and arched up to him as his lips met the gusset of her panties. "Goodness, kitten, these panties are sopping wet. We'd better see how much of a mess you've made."</p><p>Beneath, she was glistening, already dripping. He took her hand from his shoulder once he'd divested her of the scrap of cloth, interlacing his fingers with hers by her hip and teasing at her entrance with his other hand. She rocked her hips up to him as he slid one digit inside.</p><p>"That's it, fuck my fingers. Just like that. Don't hold back."</p><p>He gave her another and she shuddered, clenching around him. "More, please - "</p><p>As he thrust harder, burying his fingers in her, there was nothing but her needy moans and the wet sound of her around his hand until she toppled over the edge with a cry. He fucked her through the throes of it, then withdrew, lapping up the nectar leaking from her center. When he lifted his head, she was flushed and glowing. "Alright, angel?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. Thank you for letting me come."</p><p>"You're welcome. Do you want more?" He kissed the inside of her upper thigh, licking it clean of her juices as she shivered. She nodded, and he murmured, "Your little clit's throbbing, isn't it?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. Please, will you touch me more?" She hissed when his lips grazed the engorged bud, only enough to tantalize her. </p><p>"Not yet. Do you want Daddy to kiss your bottom, baby girl?"</p><p>Her eyes shot open and she met his gaze. He'd learned how much she loved it, that it made her incredibly sensitive and gave her powerful orgasms, but she was still too shy to ask for or even mention it. And he was wary of triggering her.</p><p>"Yes, please," she said, her voice barely a whisper.</p><p>"So sweet and polite." He reached for a pillow to tuck under her and laid her legs over his shoulders, speaking a cleansing charm. Lapping at her but avoiding her clit, he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles where their hands were still clasped and ducked his head to flutter his tongue along her perineum.</p><p>Her litany of curses was truly impressive, and he chuckled, letting the reverberation sensitize her more. "A sweet little girl with a filthy mouth." He flicked his tongue against the delicate skin, savoring the wetness that leaked from her core.</p><p>"You like that." Her words were broken by panting as her hips writhed and he ran a fingertip along her ass. </p><p>"Mm, I do. It's adorable as hell." He replaced his hand with his mouth and she gasped as he painted the intimate area with his tongue. He gradually grew firmer, laving her with gentle strokes, nuzzling her there and teasing her with the prickle of his beard.</p><p>She breathed a choked whimper, her hips pressing up to him as he ran his palm over her outer thigh. "Please touch me, Daddy."</p><p>He lifted his head just enough to be heard and to meet her eyes. Beneath the haze of desperation, he found a deep devotion there. "Stroke your clit, baby girl. Make yourself come for me."</p><p>She hesitated, but when he nipped at her thigh she relented, dipping her fingers in the copious wetness at her center and running them over the swollen nub.</p><p>"Jesus fuck," she swore as he buried his face in her again, his tongue circling her with more pressure now, firm against her tight rosebud.</p><p>It didn't take long; she was so on edge he'd half-expected her to come as soon as she touched herself. After a few moments, he felt her tense and heard her desperate moan. He closed his eyes just in time to feel her splash him. </p><p>Her moan abruptly terminated in a squeak and he looked up to see her wide-eyed, pulling her hand away from her clit as her pussy contracted. He quickly shifted to take it into his mouth and she cried out, squirting harder as he sucked her through the throes of her climax.</p><p>When the intensity passed, she trembled, breathing hard. He released her clit and drank her in, then kissed her thighs. "What the hell was that, kitten?"</p><p>"I hit you in the face," she whispered, biting her lip. "I didn't mean to."</p><p>He nuzzled her hip, amused. "Baby girl, I love it when you come on my face, remember? And ruining your orgasm is only fun if you do it on purpose."</p><p>Curiosity broke through her embarrassment. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"What you did - tipping over and removing the stimulation - it would have been frustrating as hell for you. But some people do it as a form of orgasm denial."</p><p>"Oh. Thank you for rescuing me, sir." She ran her hand through his hair, adding in a small voice, "Can - can we maybe try that sometime?" </p><p>"You're something else, you know that?" he said, shaking his head with a soft laugh. "We'll see, but not tonight."</p><p>"'Kay."</p><p>He kissed over her stomach and breasts, his voice husky as he said, "You've made such a mess, little one. These sheets are soaked."</p><p>Her blush deepened. "I couldn't help it. It felt so good."</p><p>"I'm glad. You taste like heaven." He let go of her hand to prop himself above her, stroking her hair and meeting her eyes before he sealed his lips to hers.</p><p>She tugged at his shirt until he let her drag it over his head. Running her hands over his chest, she traced his scars with her fingertips, teasing his nipples, and he growled, nuzzling into her neck and giving her a tender bite that elicited a cry.</p><p>"Do you want more?" He fluttered his tongue against her pulse. At her nod, he said, "Little hedonist."</p><p>"Please, I want you to fuck me, Daddy." She clutched at his shoulders, squeezing his hips with her thighs.</p><p>He let her have the friction she sought from his cock as he lavished kisses and nibbles on her neck, then drew back to rest her legs on his shoulders again, straighter this time. He leaned forward, meeting her eyes as he slowly gave her two fingers.</p><p>She breathed a strangled moan when he rocked them deep into her. "There you go, kitten. Keep your eyes on me." He brushed his lips to her brow, feeling the way she contracted erratically around him as the slick sounds of her filled the room.</p><p>She wound her arms around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair, her gaze enraptured. Sometimes, though his ethics kept him from it, he was tempted to dip into her thoughts. But often she was so open that he didn't need to - especially when she was with him like this. The intensity of the emotions on her face stole his breath.</p><p>"Please - " She shuddered as he started to work a third finger inside of her.</p><p>"Is this what you needed, angel? Did you need me deep inside?" When she whimpered an assent, he whispered, "Remember, you don't have to chase it. Just relax and let me take care of you."</p><p>She let go of some of the tension she was holding and he slid in deeper, fucking her gently. She pleaded for more at first but he denied her, wanting to watch her pleasure build bit by bit. He savored the way her walls quivered around his fingers, the look in her eyes and the sounds she made as she surrendered to it. Her orgasm overtook her suddenly, and he rubbed her clit with his thumb as she trembled and came apart beneath him.</p><p>"That's my good girl." He murmured praise and reassurance as he withdrew his hand and lowered her legs, gathering her to him. She cuddled in against him and buried her face in his neck like she couldn't get close enough, and he kissed her temple. "I've got you, angel."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. i wanna be her run-to</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Y'all, THESE TWO. Ugh, my heart. This was definitely one of my favorite chapters to write so far. I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I wanna do something for you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But I can see it now, you'd smile and tell me not to</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I know I wanna be her run-to</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Will there be demons when we come through?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>What would it do if I told you?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>When all of this is over, I...</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Love me like there ain't another day</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Lead with the heart, ain't that the only way?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Keep thinking 'bout how much we changed today</em>
  <br/>
  <em>And now I really think you're heaven-sent</em>
  <br/>
  <em>'Cause there's a beauty in being broken</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I've been seeing it</em>
</p><p>Dermot Kennedy, "Without Fear"</p><p>Friday, January 28, 2005</p><p>Hermione had been (very) well-fucked, cuddled back to reality, bathed, and now tucked naked in Remus's arms in the moonlit dark. Though unfamiliar, the bed was comfortable and she felt safe with him. But the thud of his heartbeat against her cheek and the feeling of his hand in her hair weren't inducing sleep the way they usually did.</p><p>"What is it, angel?"</p><p>He always knew. Some days she loved how easily he read her, and some days it was still maddening.</p><p>The insecurities he'd quieted in the kitchen had come out to play again. "Did I do something wrong?" </p><p>He moved a fraction, and she knew he was studying her. "No, little one. You've been such a good girl, you always are." The reassurance didn't entirely settle her fears, and after another silent minute, he gave her a tender squeeze and said, "Tell me what's on your mind."</p><p>"I - " She faltered and then it came out in the disorganized jumble it was in her head. "I really enjoyed what we did, but I wanted to feel you inside of me and I didn't make you come and I was afraid maybe you didn't want to because I did something wrong."</p><p>"I don't always want to come. We've talked about that before." </p><p>"I know but - but we haven't been together like this in a while and I feel selfish because you make me come so much. Plus I wanted to feel your cock inside of me. And I really like making you come, Daddy."</p><p>"I know you do, and you're very good at it. It's damn distracting." His quiet chuckle rumbled against her cheek. "Who's in charge here?"</p><p>"You are," she whispered.</p><p>"That's right, and I love hearing you beg me for what you want. But you like obeying me and pleasing me even though I don't always give you what you want, don't you?"</p><p>"Yes, Daddy. It - it's fun sometimes. Not getting what I want." </p><p>"Good. Baby girl, sometimes what pleases me is to focus on you without getting distracted by my own orgasm. Sort of like how it pleases you to worship my cock."</p><p>"But you torment me when I'm doing that. And it's hard not to think about how wet I am."</p><p>"Okay, so not exactly like that. It's my prerogative to distract you, and I love seeing how out of control you get," he teased. "You like that, too, don't you?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. But are you sure - "</p><p>When she couldn't finish the sentence, he tipped her head up, and the moon illuminated the furrow in his brow. "Angel, do you want more say in what we do? Because it's okay if you need - "</p><p>"No!" she said quickly. "No, I like it when you're in control. I love the way things are."</p><p>"Then what is this about?" He cupped her cheek, and she felt bare of more than clothing under his scrutiny. When she hesitated, biting her lip, he asked, "Are you afraid I don't want you, Min?"</p><p>Her breath stuttered and she cursed her insecurity.</p><p>"Oh, my precious girl." He cradled her head to his shoulder, wrapping his arms tight around her. "It's not that at all, I promise. I love everything we do together, and I love you so much. And I know you felt how hard you made me, didn't you?"</p><p>She nodded. "I love you, too. But you'd tell me, right? If - if you weren't happy, or if there was something I could do better, or - "</p><p>"My little perfectionist. I'll make you a deal. I promise you I'll be honest if there's something I'm unhappy with, but I want you to promise me something."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"That you'll do the same. And that you'll believe I'm telling the truth when I say you're my good girl and you make me so very happy."</p><p>"'Kay." Her worries receded and she snuggled in close as she reveled in the praise.</p><p>"Good. Now that's settled, is there anything else troubling you, little one?"</p><p>She tensed a fraction, not wanting to lie but still reluctant to voice the other concern that had been nagging at her for over a week. </p><p>He tugged her hair. "There is, isn't there? I'm not above tickling it out of you."</p><p>"You're mean," she said. She never meant it.</p><p>"Oh, I know, I'm the worst."</p><p>She could hear the amusement in his voice. He didn't say anything else, but she knew he was patiently waiting for her to speak up. She sighed and nuzzled her cheek to his chest, asking tentatively, "Did - did you really tell Draco he could take a hit out on Brian if the trial doesn't go well?"</p><p>This time he was the one who stiffened, his hand stilling on her back. <em>Good going, Granger. Ruin another perfectly romantic evening, why don't you?</em> </p><p>She lifted her head to look at him again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean - "</p><p>"Shh, little one. I'm not upset with you. I asked you to tell me." The reassurance calmed her some, but she could make out the gravity on his features. "He had no business discussing that with you, though."</p><p>She frowned. "What, 'don't worry her pretty little head about it'? That's not like you." Despite the nature of their relationship and the way he cosseted her, he was never condescending. That he respected her abilities and intelligence was one of the main reasons she felt safe enough with him to have this kind of dynamic.</p><p>"That's not what I meant." He sat up, shifting so his back was to the headboard. She followed him hesitantly, curling up in his lap when he opened his arms. He seemed to be struggling with something. "Well, I don't want you to worry about it, no. But I don't say that to belittle you."</p><p>"You didn't answer my question."</p><p>"Not in so many words, no."</p><p>"But you would?"</p><p>He tucked a few curls behind her ear, running his knuckles over her cheek. "I think - no, I know you put me on a pedestal, Min."</p><p>"You're the best person I know, but you're human, Daddy. I'm not saying you can't be."</p><p>"I know you're not, angel. But sometimes I don't think you fully understand what that means," he said, resting his palm against her cheek and pressing a kiss to her forehead. When he met her eyes again, his were gentle, but serious. "The only reason Abbott lived to see the inside of a holding cell is that my responsibility to you outweighs the risk involved in killing him myself. If he walks or he gets a bullshit sentence, Draco would be doing me a favor, because he won't get caught."</p><p>Her eyebrows shot up. "You're not breaking the law - "</p><p>He quieted her by placing his fingers to her lips. "Sometimes what's right isn't what's legal, you know that. He is never going to get the chance to hurt you again. I'll compromise with anything else, and we can talk through your worries about this. But my decisions regarding your safety are not up for debate. Is that understood?"</p><p>"This isn't like you, Remus. I don't want - "</p><p>"This is what I mean by a pedestal," he said with a sigh. "I'm a decent person, but I'm not a saint, Min. I'd take pleasure in killing him and it wouldn't trouble my conscience a bit. I just regret that prison or a quick death are both kinder than what he deserves."</p><p>The weight of his words started to sink in. They didn't horrify her, not when she considered how she'd feel if someone hurt him. But it still scared her to think he'd put himself at such risk for her. "I didn't want to put you in this position."</p><p>"I put myself in this position and I'd gladly do it again. I meant it when I told you it's not your job to protect me, little one." </p><p>She tried to set aside her guilt, tucking her head to his shoulder. She'd started to get sleepy when he asked, "Have I scared you?"</p><p>Something was different about his voice, and when she blinked away the drowsiness and looked up, the strange realization hit her that he was the one in need of reassurance now. She was so used to his quiet confidence, the way he took control, that it took a moment to register that he felt insecure, too.</p><p>"No, Daddy. You've never made me afraid of you." She ran her fingers through his beard and traced the scars on his cheek. "Maybe I am guilty of putting you on a pedestal, but you've earned it. You know that, right? And what you said doesn't make me think any less of you."</p><p>The lines of his face softened and he brushed another sweet kiss to her brow. "Come on, baby girl. It's past your bedtime."</p><hr/><p>Hermione rested longer and more deeply than she had in days. When she finally stirred Saturday morning, the sun spilled through the gauzy curtains, drenching the room. She peeked out from under the covers and blinked a few times to adjust.</p><p>She wandered to the bathroom, calling, "Morning, Daddy," in between yawns. When she didn't hear a response, she frowned and called out again, abandoning her ablutions to search the cottage for him.</p><p>She didn't find him, but she did find flowers and breakfast on the small dining table under stasis charms, including a paper cup of what smelled suspiciously like a proper mocha. Taking in the spread of eggs, pancakes, and fruit, along with the little vase of dusty pink hellebores, she breathed a surprised giggle and perched on the edge of the chair. A seashell pinned a folded note to the table next to the plate.</p><p>She wondered how early he'd gotten up to hunt down coffee and flowers. His charm meant the drink tasted fresh, and she sipped it as she scanned his neat, blocky handwriting.</p><p>Min,</p><p>Everything's alright, don't worry. I'll be back by 11. You can explore after breakfast, but be a good girl and don't wander too far.</p><p>Love,<br/>Daddy</p><p>She decided to take the note at face value and not get too worked up about what might have dragged him away. She showered and cleaned her teeth, digging through the clothes he'd brought as well as the ones she kept in her Extended bag and opting for a sage dress with short sleeves.</p><p>The man was an excellent cook, and his stasis charms kept her favorite lemon blueberry pancakes fresh, too. She figured fiction wasn't on the banned book list, so she made it through the next chapter of her latest Saramago novel during breakfast. She usually had one or two books going at a time along with whatever they were reading together.</p><p>After she washed the dishes, she tugged on a light cardigan and stepped outside, grateful he thought to pack her sandals. The house was situated in a sunny cove surrounded by cliffs, the grass leveling off into a narrow beach. The Mediterranean Sea sparkled like sapphire. She walked along the sand collecting seashells, eventually kicking off her shoes and gathering her skirt to wade calf-deep in the cold water.</p><p>She'd lost track of time when she heard the crack of Apparition. She turned toward the house to see Remus appear on the grass in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, weighed down by a couple of heavy bags.</p><p>"Daddy!"</p><p>He dropped them on the porch so he could wrap his arms around her when she wandered over. "Hey there, pretty girl. Having fun?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. I missed you, though." She peeked around him, her eyes widening when she recognized one of the bags. She could hazard a guess what the other held. "Remus, you ridiculous man. You did not go all the way home just for that!"</p><p>His laugh reverberated through her. "It's a standing Portkey, so it wasn't quite as bad as you're imagining."</p><p>"A standing Portkey from Marseille," she muttered, shaking her head in disbelief. The standard ones were timed, but of course he'd been thoughtful enough to arrange it so they could go back early if she wanted without having to jump through hoops at the French Ministry. Protesting the extra expense would get her in trouble, though, and she didn't want him to think she was ungrateful. "That's still multiple Portkey jumps and Apparitions. Not to mention what else you got up to this morning. You're an incorrigible romantic, you know that?" </p><p>"Utterly beyond saving, where you're concerned." He flashed her a roguish grin, ruffling her hair. "I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to being spoiled, baby girl."</p><p>"Thank you, sir." She squeezed him tightly, burying her face in his shirt.</p><p>She still worried sometimes that she didn't deserve him, but that voice was quieted these days by the way he loved and accepted her, even now that he knew everything she'd gone through and everything she'd done.</p><p>"You're welcome." He took her hand, leading her into the house and levitating the bags down the hall to the bedroom. He sat on the couch and pulled her to sit sideways in his lap, cuddling her. "Did you have fun this morning?" At her nod, he said, "Good. Would you like to play today or do some more exploring?"</p><p>"Play first, explore later?" She hid her face in his neck, kissing him there and letting her tongue dart out to flutter against his pulse.</p><p>"Mm. Eager little kitten. Do you want to be suspended?"</p><p>"Yes, please. If you're up for it. I - I miss that." He tied her often but didn't always suspend her, and it had been a few weeks. She loved how close she felt to him when she was bound, the way he touched her and held her. And the trust and intimacy when he made her fly. She knew he enjoyed it, too, but it required a lot of focus and work on his part.</p><p>"I'd love to, angel." He growled softly when she nibbled along his skin, toying with the hem of her dress and slipping his hand beneath it to caress her as her thighs parted. "I love how deep in subspace it puts you, but I need you to be able to tell me if something's wrong. Can you do that?"</p><p>He was afraid of triggering her or pushing her too much - she could tell by the questions he'd asked last night, too. She always knew she could speak up, but he was so considerate and so good at reading her that she'd never had to before. "Yes, sir. I'm okay, though, really. I won't break."</p><p>He tugged her hair until she lifted her head and met his eyes. "I'm checking in with you more than I usually do, but it's not because I think you're fragile, Min. What we do is risky, and not just physically. I want to make sure I don't hurt you."</p><p>"I know. But you've never hurt me, not more than I wanted. I mean, there was that once, but you didn't mean to. And you stopped right away."</p><p>"Just because I haven't doesn't mean I won't." He held her gaze, and she wondered if he might be thinking of her flashback again. She'd been grateful for once that she didn't recall much of what occurred. "Mistakes happen, and I have a responsibility to do everything I can to avoid them and to make sure you're safe. I know you think I'm being overprotective, but I need you to humor me, okay?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. I trust you. And I promise I'll tell you."</p><p>"Good girl," he murmured as he pushed her dress up higher, running his palm over her thigh. </p><p>Tangling a hand in his hair, she kissed him, curling her tongue around his own. A whimper escaped her and he gave her what she craved, deepening the kiss and claiming her mouth. She felt his hand against the top of her thigh, his fingertips just out of reach of her center.</p><p>He bit down on her bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth, then trailed his lips over her neck. "How do you feel about wax, angel?"</p><p>"I haven't done it before, but I - I'd like to try it." The suggestion reassured her - she worried that he might be hesitant now to hurt her in the ways that she did enjoy. And she knew he enjoyed that, too.</p><p>"Excellent." He punctuated the word with a bite that made her inhale sharply and press her thighs together.</p><p>"Please, Daddy - "</p><p>The feeling of his hand on her neck did nothing to stem the fresh wave of wetness soaking her panties. "What is it, little one? Is there something you need?"</p><p>"I need you to touch me," she begged as his thumb grazed the hollow of her throat.</p><p>He dragged his fingertips over her collarbone and down her chest, stroking her breast and teasing at her nipple through the fabric. "Is this where you need me to touch you, baby girl?"</p><p>She arched to his hand. "It feels good, but I want you to touch my pussy. Pretty please, I'm aching."</p><p>He nipped at her earlobe, the predatory undercurrent in his voice going straight to her core. "I'll touch you anywhere you want, but you don't have my permission to come until my cock's inside of you. And that's not going to happen until tonight. Is that clear?"</p><p>The prospect of finally having his cock inside of her - and of being denied - only made her wetter. "Yes, sir. I promise I'll be good."</p><p>"I know you will. Show me what a good girl you are and spread your legs." She hissed as he rolled her nipple between his fingers, squirming on his lap for a moment before she parted her thighs, wider this time. </p><p>His hand traveled up the inside of her thigh again, and he ran his fingers along the outside of her panties. "Mm, you are aching. You like it when Daddy torments you, don't you?"</p><p>"Yes, sir," she admitted with a blush as he slipped his hand into her panties, sliding a finger inside of her. She rocked her hips, shuddering when he sank in deeper and his palm met her clit.</p><p>He withdrew when she started to approach the peak, and she breathed another strangled whimper, trying hard not to close her legs. She could feel his marble-hard cock against the back of her thigh, and she wished she was straddling him. "Please, Daddy, I need it. I need you to fuck me."</p><p>"Oh, I know. You're so sexy, baby girl. Especially when you're needy." He let her suck eagerly at his fingers, and she moaned as she tasted herself, laving them with her tongue. When he retrieved them from her mouth, he chuckled at her quiet noise of frustration, holding her close and rubbing her back while she calmed. "Go take off your clothes and kneel by the foot of the bed." </p><p>He took her hand and helped her off of his lap, curling a hand around her hip to ensure she was steady before he let her go. She'd been kneeling only a couple of minutes when he followed her, and she felt the heat of his gaze as he drank her in. Kicking off his shoes and pulling his shirt over his head, he came over to her and wound her hair around his fist, tugging her up onto her knees. </p><p>She pressed herself flush against his leg, nuzzling his hip and whispering, "I love you so much, sir."</p><p>"I love you, too, little one." He ran a tender hand through her curls, trailing his fingertips over her cheek and jaw, tipping her head up. When she met his eyes, he was smiling. "Let me set things up. I want you to relax for me, okay?"</p><p>She nodded and sat back on her heels. He set a warming charm, then opened the window next to the bed, letting in the light breeze and the salt scent of the sea. She shivered as the air rushed over her skin.</p><p>He must have noticed, because he asked, "Is that alright?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. It feels good with the charm."</p><p>She watched as he went over to the bags he'd deposited in the corner and unzipped both, retrieving a big blanket and unfolding it over the rug that covered most of the floor. The wooden suspension frame followed, downsized for the trip. He cast Finite on it and tested its sturdiness, centering it in the open space and attaching a steel hoop. It was a smaller frame, the same height as his favorite one that lined the back of the play room, but only half as wide. He tossed the rope that he wanted to use onto the blanket and the safety shears next to it, along with a few candles and a length of silk.</p><p>Once he'd seated himself on the blanket, he stretched out his legs to give her room to sit between them and opened his arms expectantly. On a whim, she decided to crawl the short distance. He rarely told her to, but she got the sense that he liked it. </p><p>The low growl that rumbled through him confirmed that suspicion - and made her core clench. She didn't find the act degrading with him, only a reminder of her submission, one she found she liked, too.</p><p>"You're breathtaking," he murmured, enfolding her in his powerful embrace and kissing her sweetly.</p><p>She smiled against his lips, tracing the seam of his mouth with her tongue. He nipped at her bottom lip, allowing her entrance, and she lost herself in the kiss. He broke it a few minutes later to settle her back against his chest, and she parted her legs, letting her knees rest atop his.</p><p>He slipped the length of silk over her eyes and knotted it behind her head. She exhaled a contented sigh, letting her head loll against his shoulder as his hand drifted down her arm. His touch, the fresh air, and the sound of the waves lulled her, and she melted as he kept up his gentle caresses for a while, already floating.</p><p>"My little angel. Do you want your arms in front or in back?"</p><p>"Back, please, sir." Unless he had a particular reason, he usually gave her a choice. Front was more comfortable, but she'd learned that she liked the constriction of a proper box tie, the helplessness.</p><p>A whispered spell lit one of the candles, then the rope ran over her neck and down her torso. She loved the feel of it, the coarse texture softened by use and conditioning. She inhaled sharply and arched up to it as he dragged it along her nipples, already peaked from her arousal and the touch of the breeze. He took her wrists and arranged her arms at her back, pinning them between his body and hers, but didn't tie her yet. The rope trailed over her thighs, and then - </p><p>"Oh!" A delicious rush of warmth ran up the inside of her right thigh from her knee - not painful, but the variance in sensation took her by surprise and made her wet. She felt his mouth at the curve of her neck, the pressure of his teeth and tongue. It was overstimulating in the best way, fanning the flames of her need even in the state of peacefulness he'd cultivated.</p><p>"How was that, kitten?"</p><p>"Good. Please, Daddy - " Before she could finish begging, another quick burst of wax patterned the inside of her left thigh, hot enough to make her shudder and moan as her leg contracted instinctively. "Jesus fuck."</p><p>He chuckled as she relaxed into the sensation, careful not to close her legs. "That's my good girl."</p><p>The praise washed over her, and he nudged her forward and began to tie her, running the rope above and below her breasts, over her shoulders, around her arms. He took his time; going up and coming down was as much a part of the experience as the suspension itself, and she loved the way his hands lingered on her skin, the way he teased her with the rope.</p><p>When he finished the box tie, he hugged her to his chest and she reveled in the feeling of his bare skin pressed to hers. One hand encircled her throat; the other found her breast, and he brushed his thumb over her nipple.</p><p>"You're so lovely when you surrender like this, Min. I treasure the trust you give me."</p><p>She smiled, but a gasp stole any hope of stringing together a coherent response as heat erupted over her chest, a relentless path marking her breasts. Soft cries escaped her as it touched her nipples before he ceased, and she writhed in his arms.</p><p>"Was that too much, kitten?" The way his hand traveled up her thigh did nothing to still her writhing.</p><p>She shook her head, a mindless litany of pleas escaping her as she spread herself wider, seeking more contact. His fingertips ghosted along the oversensitive skin, refusing to give the friction she craved, and she breathed a tearful whimper.</p><p>"Oh, no, I think that was just enough," he murmured as he traced her soaked folds. He withdrew his hand, cuddling her until she calmed a bit. "I'm going to get up, but I'm right here, okay?"</p><p>She nodded, feeling the loss of him as he stood. Sometimes she liked to pay attention to what he was doing - she enjoyed learning more about rope, and appreciated that he indulged her learning kink for, well, kink.</p><p>But this time she was content to do nothing but feel, the way he often instructed her to. She loved how he cared for her and took control. The prospect of enduring another half hour or more of such intense sensation with no relief might have stirred her frustration and anxiety, but he'd stolen her ability to overthink, dragged her out of her head.</p><p>She valued her work and her friendships, valued her intelligence and who she was in the rest of her life, but here she didn't have to fix anything or save anyone or know everything or even hold herself together. She could be herself - brilliant, ruthless, small, scared, emotional, needy, sensual, playful - and he accepted all of her. She loved him for so many reasons, but especially for that.</p><p>She heard the swish of the upline, and then he crouched and encircled her waist with one arm to support her as he hoisted her to her feet. He let go of her to tie it off, and when his mouth ran over her hip moments later she realized he'd knelt in front of her.</p><p>"Oh, kitten. You're already dripping for me." He lapped at the wetness she could feel trickling down one thigh.</p><p>She breathed a choked cry at the faintest touch of his lips against her clit, the prickle of his beard on her feverish skin. "Please, Daddy - "</p><p>"Please what, angel?" He pulled away, but not far enough that his breath didn't graze her.</p><p>She bit her lip, caught between begging for more and begging him to stop so she wouldn't break any rules. She settled for, "I need you."</p><p>"I know. Daddy's so mean to you. But you still want to be a good girl for me, don't you?" At her nod, he stroked her hip and said, "I promise I'll let you have my fingers when you're not so on edge, kitten. I want you to relax, let the rope hold you. That's my girl."</p><p>Exhaling, she sank into the hold, letting her head fall forward. She felt the comfort of his touch and the familiar pressure of the rope as he tied another harness around her hips, avoiding her most sensitive spots but taking his time and caressing her, soothing some of the raw ache of her arousal. He lifted her left foot and she bent her knee as he bound her ankle to her thigh, winding the rope around her leg and knotting it at intervals.</p><p>Then he moved away and she felt the drip of wax over her back, which was angled enough to catch it by the way the chest harness held her. She quivered, grateful as the slight pain helped draw her back from the edge. It was arousing, but it gave her something else to focus on besides the ache between her thighs.</p><p>"Alright, angel?"</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>He rested a palm on her back, then she felt the tug on her hip and thigh lifting her from the ground to suspend her on her side, her weight balanced so that it didn't hurt. She curled her right leg beneath, silent tears spilling over as soon as she let herself sink into the rope.</p><p>His arms came around her, cradling her to his chest. "Are those good tears, Min?"</p><p>Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded, burying her face in his shoulder. She'd gotten more used to crying during some of their intense scenes, enough that she didn't get ashamed or self-critical over it anymore, though it sometimes frustrated her. At the moment, surrounded in his warmth and feeling safer than she had in two weeks, she welcomed it.</p><p>He kept holding her once her crying settled, lifting the blindfold enough to brush the tears from her cheeks with gentle fingers before he replaced it.</p><p>"I adore you, you know." His lips met her temple. "Do you want more?"</p><p>When she nodded again, he stepped back and sent her into a spin, the air flowing past her skin as she breathed an exhilarated gasp. She slowed and he tied her right ankle, nudging her to bend her knee and open her hip, her foot inches from her left knee.</p><p>His hand traveled along the inside of her right leg and he chased his touch with more wax, making her whimper and kick before she relaxed into the rope. The heat stopped at the top of her thigh, just short of her center, and the threat of it did as much as the sensation to stoke the flames of her arousal.</p><p>"Daddy, I need it," she whispered. "I need your fingers inside of me."</p><p>He stood behind her, pulling her close and sweeping her hair back from her shoulder. He nipped along her neck as his hand slipped between her thighs, his fingertips fluttering over her folds. "Is that right? Does your pussy need to be tormented?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. Please, I'm aching." She squirmed in the rope, seeking more of his touch.</p><p>"You're pretty when you struggle, baby girl."</p><p>He only made her struggle a bit longer, but when he drew his finger over her clit she shuddered and cursed, barely keeping any semblance of self-control. "Not there, please, it's too much - "</p><p>She moaned as that finger slipped inside of her instead, stroking her inner walls. "Goddamn, little girl. You're flooding my hand."</p><p>"Please, I'm so close." She could hear how wet she was, but the depth of her need outweighed her embarrassment, her desperate sounds rising above the sound of the waves. </p><p>"Not yet. You'd better behave. Stay right on that edge for me."</p><p>The stern note in his voice always thrilled her and made her soaking wet, but she managed to obey. When he withdrew and she clenched around nothing, she trembled and gave a ragged cry that softened into a whine.</p><p>"Shh, kitten." He soothed her with his touch. "That pout is adorable."</p><p>She stuck her tongue out at him, provoking a deep laugh that warmed her to her toes. He cuddled her as she calmed, then spun her again. He touched her until she was drunk on it, arousing her but no longer deliberately tormenting her as he ran his hands along her back, her torso, her neck, the outside of her thighs. Sometimes he surprised her with the heat of the wax, and she relished the slight pain and the comfort of his hands, awash in relentless sensation.</p><p>Eventually he lowered her so that she was lying on the blanket on her side. When he dropped down next to her, he tenderly brushed her curls back from her face. "My beautiful girl."</p><p>He unbound her, rubbing her limbs and encouraging her to stretch. A spell and a slight tug at her skin erased the wax. Sometimes he liked to drag this part out, to tease her more or make her come, but she was grateful that he only picked her up and carried her to the bed, settling her beneath the blankets. She wanted to get lost in his embrace.</p><p>He started to move away but she whimpered and reached blindly for him. "It's okay, I'm right here, angel," he said as he stretched out next to her instead, speaking a couple of summoning charms. "I'm going to remove the blindfold, but I want you to be careful opening your eyes."</p><p>She nodded and as he removed it she hid her face in his broad chest, letting him shield her from the afternoon sun that filtered in through the curtains while she adjusted. She nibbled at the chocolate he lifted to her mouth; he gave it to her often after intense scenes, to make sure her blood sugar didn't drop while she recovered. It always reminded her of the first time they met.</p><p>Once she drank water, he set the bottle aside and pulled her closer, wrapping her in his arms. "You did so well, little one. You've been such a good girl for me."</p><p>"Thank you for taking care of me, Daddy." It came out a faint whisper as she snuggled in and closed her eyes, going liquid with the familiar comfort of being held, the way his hand carded through her hair.</p><p>He paused his gentle stroking for a moment, his lips lingering against her forehead. "Thank you for letting me."</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. what your worth is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A fluffy interlude before we get back to some smut and some plot in the next chapter! I hope you enjoy it. We just crossed the 100 bookmark and 150 subscriber mark, and I'm floored...thank you so much to everyone who has loved on, commented, kudos'ed, etc.! It means so much to me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>If I could wish for one thing, I'd go back and I'd fix it</em><br/>
<em>I'd tackle all your obstacles and kill 'em with precision</em><br/>
<em>And better the intentions of every single person</em><br/>
<em>Who played a part in you learning exactly what your worth is</em><br/>
<em>I'd shower you with purpose, I'd wipe hate off the surface</em><br/>
<em>I'd reshape all your pain and make it fucking worth it</em><br/>
<em>No more feeling worthless, no more fucking searching</em><br/>
<em>No more of that fraud shit, nobody else could hurt you</em>
</p><p>Angel Haze, "Black Dahlia"</p><p>Saturday, January 29, 2005</p><p>"You're trying to kill me."</p><p>Remus groaned and went hard as granite when Hermione came out of the bath, an ethereal vision of black lace and pouffy lilac tulle, her hair tied up with a dark purple ribbon. She blushed prettily, her pearls catching the light.</p><p>"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Daddy." A sparkle of mischief hid beneath her wide-eyed innocence.</p><p>After their play, she'd snuggled in his arms for a while and then fell asleep, overcome by the happy flood of chemicals he coaxed forth. And the comfort and safety, too, he hoped. He stayed with her, reading, amused when she ground herself on his thigh as she surfaced from a particularly arousing dream. She'd pouted, her frustration overcoming her embarrassment, and he tickled and kissed her until she smiled again.</p><p>And then she disappeared to get ready for dinner and emerged looking like a goddamn pixie. Remus didn't consider himself the kind of man who was led around by his dick, and he'd never reacted quite so intensely to a woman. But something about her cute 'little' side ensnared his heart - and made him ache to do filthy things to her.</p><p>That was twisted, but as she had never done anything except encourage him, he couldn't bring himself to care. </p><p>He stalked toward her, covering the length of the living room and walking her back against the wall. Her breath quickened when he approached, but his brave kitten didn't flinch or look away. A growl rumbled low in his throat as he lifted her, pinning her between his body and the wall, ignoring her startled squeak. She instinctively clutched at him with her legs.</p><p>"You, angel - " he murmured, tugging the demure lace aside and biting down gently on her shoulder as she gasped and rocked herself against his cock, " - you know exactly what you do to me."</p><p>He kissed her then, until she was flushed and breathless and whimpering into his mouth, snapping his hips into hers to drive home last night's lesson about just how much he wanted her. When he broke the kiss a number of colorful curses spilled forth, followed by the most enthusiastic spell of begging he'd gotten out of her yet. </p><p>A significant chunk of the fun in winding her up was that the more desperate she got, the more beautifully she begged.</p><p>His lips met her ear, his voice low. "It's dangerous to go around tempting big bad wolves, little girl."</p><p>"<em>God</em>." When he met her eyes she had that look that told him her panties were ruined, her voice ragged. "It's not fair how <em>hot</em> you are when you get all growly."</p><p>"I've told you about fairness, little thrill-seeker. You're going to get yourself in trouble one of these days." </p><p>"I sincerely hope s - fucking Mary, mother of <em>Christ</em> - "</p><p>He bit down harder this time, eliciting a shudder and putting an end to her sass as he sucked until he'd marked her dusky skin. An inch from his lips, her curse scar taunted him, disappearing into her dress, and it took a significant amount of self-control not to follow it.</p><p>"Please, I can't - " He looked up to see her lips swollen and her eyes dark, and realized through the haze of his own arousal that she was shaking. She tried earnestly to stop herself from seeking out the friction, to claw her way back from the edge. "I'm so close, sir."</p><p>"My good, obedient girl." He relented, carefully unwinding her legs from his waist and rubbing her back to calm her while she trembled and panted and made the sweetest noises. It took him a moment to get a handle on his own hard-on. "Shh, little one." <br/>
 <br/>
As she nuzzled his chest, he was struck by how small and fragile she felt in his arms, and his throat constricted at the depth of her submission. She liked it when he was rough, liked being threatened and - in some ways - liked being made to suffer, too. (The sadist and the wolf in him thanked Circe for this.) But he could so easily harm her - he <em>had</em> harmed her, her face and throat wet with her tears beneath his hands as he forced the potion down, and it still haunted him. She protested his guilt and he knew she didn't recall all of it, but he'd watched something break in her eyes when she woke to learn she'd been drugged again, and by whom.</p><p>
  <em>You've never made me afraid of you. Maybe I am guilty of putting you on a pedestal, but you've earned it.</em>
</p><p>After everything she'd gone through, even after what he'd done, she trusted him boundlessly. He wanted to keep earning it for the rest of his life.</p><p>She recovered but didn't seem inclined to move, snaking her arms around his waist. He breathed in hibiscus and coconut, running his fingertips along her spine while he worked to get a handle on his emotions, too. </p><p>His soft charcoal turtleneck muffled her accusatory voice when she finally spoke. "You crumpled my tutu. And you got it all wet." </p><p>He chuckled, disentangling himself from her arms and sorting out the lace bodice as she fluffed her skirt. "Is that right? Did you make a mess, angel?"</p><p>"You know I did, and it's all your fault. You're so <em>mean</em>, Daddy." She bit her lip and pressed her thighs together, and he had to tamp down the urge to push her up against the wall again and make her spread her legs so he could find out how much of a mess. She was a fountain, especially when he denied her.</p><p>"You like that, remember?" He tapped her nose and she scrunched it at him as he spoke cleansing charms for her skirt and panties. "As much as I'd like for you to have the reminder until later, I'll be nice. Just this once."</p><p>"Hmph." Her pout receded once she'd made her frustration known. "Let's get to the exploring so I'm distracted enough to survive until later. I was promised food."</p><p>And just like that, his transgressions were forgiven. He pressed his lips to her temple and stepped away long enough to grab his bag from the couch, looping the strap across his body.</p><p>"What's that?"</p><p>"A camera." His lips twitched when she narrowed her eyes.</p><p>She leaned around him to tug at the zipper and peeked inside. "A <em>Muggle</em> camera. A <em>fancy</em> Muggle camera. You've been holding out on me."</p><p>"I guess you're not the only one in this relationship who's got a surprise or two up their sleeve," he said with a self-conscious shrug as he closed the bag.</p><p>"Did you take those pictures up at the cottage?" She studied him as if he were a puzzle to be figured out. </p><p>She never asked about the few framed landscape photos that decorated the upstairs hallway, but he'd noticed her admiring them. "I did. I usually only do it when I'm hiking or traveling, but Molly's roped me into shooting family photos before, too." </p><p>"They're breathtaking, Daddy. And here I thought you were just an admirer of great art," she said, swatting his arm.</p><p>"Oh, I am." He looked her up and down with his best lascivious expression, in the service of distracting her from the blush currently creeping up his neck. </p><p>She giggled and ducked past him to grab her purse and his leather jacket, burrowing into it. It was much too big, and it made her look infinitely more adorable.</p><p>"Little thief," he said fondly.</p><p>"Are you going to teach me a lesson?" The expression on her face was part sass and all hope. "Because I could cook, you know, we don't have to go out - or we could have sandwiches, even - "</p><p>He growled again, taking her ponytail in his fist and pulling her close to brush his lips against her ear. "I am going to take you on a <em>date</em>, kitten. Try to derail me again and there'll be a lot more torment before the night's over." There might be anyway, especially if she was game for a spanking.</p><p>The scent of her arousal told him she was well on her way to making another mess. "'Kay. I'll try harder to be good, Daddy."</p><p>He liked it when she was, but it could be quite fun when she wasn't, too. Slipping his hand into hers, he Occluded his own arousal and Apparated them from the cottage to the edge of the island's only village, a quaint collection of shops and hotels surrounded by a craggy, verdant landscape and the brilliant blue sea.</p><p>"Wow. It's pretty but so small." </p><p>"The whole island is less than fifteen square kilometers," he said. "Most of it's beach or nature preserve, but there are vineyards, too, and a few historic sites. We'll go hiking tomorrow, if you want."</p><p>"Yes, please." She shot him a beaming smile and kept hold of his hand as they made their way to the end of the street. </p><p>There were few restaurants, mainly located in the hotels. This one was lovely - stucco with red roof tiles and climbing greenery, surrounded by lush trees and gardens. Hermione had a look of wonder as they made their way inside and were led to a balcony on the second floor. The place was quiet in the off season, and though there were other diners scattered about he'd arranged for them to have the balcony to themselves - for privacy, and because he wanted to get pictures.</p><p>"Remus - " Hermione inhaled sharply as she took in the view and the small table surrounded by candles and twinkling lights. "This is - "</p><p>Her voice faltered and he could tell it was because the end of that sentence would get her in trouble. She really was trying so hard to be good. Once the maître d' was gone, he cast a subtle warming charm and took the jacket from her shoulders.</p><p>"It's beautiful," she said instead, wandering to the edge and resting her hands on the wrought iron railing as she drank in the vista of forest and cliffs and sea. There was a stillness about it, the only sound that of the waves, the wildlife, and the rustle of the breeze.</p><p>He came up behind her and she leaned into him when he enveloped her in his embrace. "It's not too much," he murmured, taking her hand and folding her arm under his as he interlaced their fingers. "Hermione, you deserve the world. I know you've been treated for so long as if you don't, but I'm going to keep showing you that you do until you believe me. And after that."</p><p>Her breath hitched like she might cry and she squeezed his hand. "You're really good to me."</p><p>"That's how it should be, angel," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. "And I've been terrible, keeping you tied up in the play room all the time and not taking you out on dates often enough. Work lunches don't count. But that's going to change."</p><p>She shook her head with a watery laugh. "I suppose I can handle a few dates as long as you promise to tie me up in your play room at least as often."</p><p>"Done."</p><p>She was silent for a while, then she said, "I wish we could just stay here forever."</p><p>"I know, little one. It's going to be hard on you, but we'll get through it." He could hear the edge of anxiety, the dread of what awaited them back home, and he wanted more than anything to be able to bear it for her. He kept his voice light in the hope of getting her mind off of it. "I promise we'll take a longer vacation soon. In a couple of weeks the trial will be done, and you can go back to work and back home, if you want. And I know you're looking forward to the next phase of your research."</p><p>"I am."</p><p>"But...? No giddy excitement about research? I usually get at least a smile." He tugged her hair. She was regularly shy with him, not that he minded; it meant she was willing to be vulnerable, that she didn't put up the armor she so often did elsewhere in her life. (And it was fucking adorable.) But when it came to work she could talk for hours, and she was so damn brilliant that he struggled to keep up sometimes. </p><p>"I'm excited, I just - um - " He couldn't see her face, but her nervous stutter came out full force. "Do you like being - being together all the time?"</p><p>"Of course I do, baby girl." The thought of not waking up next to her every morning after being spoiled by it most nights since Christmas was not one he cared to contemplate. In the midst of all the pain she'd gone through in the last month, that had been a bright spot. "Do you?"</p><p>She nodded. "And it's weird, thinking about going home, that's all." He felt the faint tremble of her hand where it was clasped in his, and he rubbed her knuckles. "Have - have you thought about - um - "</p><p>When she broke off and couldn't finish the rest, he spoke with gentle amusement. "Min, are you trying to ask me if I want to move in together? Because - no pressure - but if you are, the answer to that question is yes."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"Look at me, angel." When she turned and looked up, he rested his palm against her cheek and brushed her poor bottom lip with his thumb until she let it go, holding her gaze. "Absolutely. Unequivocally."</p><p>"Oh," she said, the corner of her mouth turning up. "Then that - that's what I'm asking."</p><p>He smiled and stroked her hair back from her face, pressing his lips to her forehead. "Silly girl. I wonder how many times I'll have to remind you that I love it when you ask me for what you want before I stop having to drag it out of you."</p><p>"You don't always have to drag it out of me," she protested.</p><p>"True. You're so sweet when you beg, little one. Especially when you're too needy to be shy." He chuckled as he spotted the hint of a blush. "Do you like the cottage, or do you want to look for someplace new together?"</p><p>"I love it there. Besides, it's your home! I couldn't ask you to move, Daddy."</p><p>"You're my home, Min." His fingertips drifted over her cheek in a soft caress. "And I'd be happy to live anywhere you want. But I'd love to share it with you."</p><p>"Thank you." She hugged him tight.</p><p>"Thank <em>you</em>, baby girl. I've dreaded letting you go."</p><p>The creak of the door and a cough alerted them to the arrival of the young waiter, who regarded them awkwardly. Hermione ducked out of Remus's arms and said something in French that sounded apologetic, picking up a menu.</p><p>He glanced over her shoulder and figured deciphering it was a lost cause. "Order for me, kitten."</p><p>"What are you in the mood for?" she asked, scanning the dishes. "There's duck and - "</p><p>"Make it a surprise."</p><p>She hesitated, but at his encouraging nod, she shrugged one shoulder and conversed with the waiter in rapid, musical French. Remus was about to ask her about taking photos when he returned with their drinks.</p><p>He frowned as he was handed a glass of white wine. "Min, I don't need to - "</p><p>"Your instructions were specific! No takebacks," she teased, sipping the fruity concoction she'd gotten for herself. The waiter was quite entranced with her smile, but she didn't seem to notice as she politely waved him away. "You can't vacation in France and not drink wine, Remus. One or two glasses won't hurt. Besides, you'll thank me when you see what I ordered you."</p><p>He cocked an eyebrow. "If you insist, baby girl." It was a rich, complex Riesling, not too sweet - perfect. He tended to order for them both when they ate out, but she was so considerate and service-oriented that she always paid close attention to the smallest details of what he liked.</p><p>The sky had split into an array of colors, and he captured shots as the sunset reflected off of the water and the light dappled the forest and cliffs. In between sipping their drinks, he handed her the camera and learned that visual art was on the short list of things Hermione Granger wasn't a genius at. But he liked how much fun she had when she let go of her perfectionism, and feeling her back pressed against him while he wrapped his arms around her to give her pointers was not at all unpleasant.</p><p>When she turned around and handed him the camera, he tucked a few curls behind her ear. "Would you let me take pictures of you, angel?"</p><p>He hesitated because of what Abbott had done, but not only that. He distinctly remembered their first summer at Grimmauld Place, before her Fifth Year - it was the beginning of their sleepless early morning tea tradition during the war, and he held dueling lessons in the garden for her and the others over their weeks there. She'd brought a bag of disposable Muggle cameras and she and Harry taught the Weasleys and some of the other Order members how to use them. He had pictures from the one he'd nicked tucked away in a box. During the years that followed she'd been more withdrawn, but there'd still been plenty of photos, wizarding and Muggle.</p><p>And yet he'd never been inside her flat in Dover, but the memories of it he witnessed were as barren as the flat in Camden Town where she lived now. The place was elegantly furnished, but with so little of anything personal in it that it had shocked him the first night he slept over. It wrenched his heart and brought to mind how terrible his own years stuck in shame over his affliction and loneliness from the loss of his friends had been. He could make an educated guess as to the reasons in her case, but it was something he intended to broach in more depth when she moved in.</p><p>"Why?" she asked quietly after searching his face, her expression indecipherable.</p><p>He set the camera aside. "Min, have you let anyone since - "</p><p>She looked down. "No, sir."</p><p>"It's quite alright to say no, little one," he reminded her, cupping her cheek and stroking with his thumb. "But to answer your question - I love making memories with you, and I'd like to capture some of them. Like how lovely you look in your dress, and the way you smiled a few minutes ago, and how the light's hitting your curls right now and giving you a halo. I'd like to put one on my desk at work, if you'll let me. But I won't ever take them or share them without your permission."</p><p>She leaned into his hand and brushed her lips to his palm, and after a few moments she lifted her head. "Okay."</p><p>"Thank you, baby girl." </p><p>She smiled and stood on tiptoe to kiss his jaw, then humored him while he took pictures of her in the sunset and roped the waiter into taking one of them together before they ate. As twilight descended, the candles and twinkling lights cast a romantic glow.</p><p>He did end up being glad of her choices - she'd ordered a kind of earthy French blood sausage with apples for him. He was amused by the way it squicked her to watch him dig into it, but she said blood sausage was nearly as popular among the wolves she knew as rare steak. The flavor was excellent, especially balanced out by the sweetness of the wine. </p><p>When they finished the fruit tart she ordered for dessert, they wandered through the village, and Remus took a few night shots in between following Hermione into the shops. She picked up some local wine from the island and a few other delicacies to take home for Dora, Ginny, and Draco, before he led her into the small park, deserted this time of evening.</p><p>"I haven't been to a playground since - hell, years before I came to Hogwarts," she said, shooting him a curious glance. </p><p>Knowing how precocious she'd been as a girl, that didn't surprise him at all. He grinned. "Well, that's a shame, because I've never met a little who didn't like taking a turn on the swings. No matter her age."</p><p>She shook her head, laughing as he set their bags aside and settled another warming charm over them both. The set was suitable enough for adults, and once she hopped onto a swing, he took the chance to stroke her back and shoulders before he pushed her gently. Her exhilarated giggles burst forth when he sent her flying higher, the breeze rushing through her hair and turning her barely-restrained curls wild. </p><p>"Okay, okay, you're right. I've been missing out," she said, tipping her head back to look up at him with a smile when she slowed. She reached for his hand and tugged until he perched on the swing next to her, keeping hold of it and interlacing her fingers with his. Kicking her legs back and forth with a contented sigh, she asked, "Have you met many littles?"</p><p>He studied the side of her face, wondering if it was simple curiosity or if there might be some insecurity lurking. He knew her entire relationship history now because of the case, but she'd never asked about his. "I've only dated one - a long time ago, during the first war. But I've known a handful in the community. Astoria Malfoy's one, you know."</p><p>"I'm trying to picture Draco - actually, you know what, I can see it, I'm just not sure I want to," she said with amusement. "He sent me an invitation from her, for tea."</p><p>"That's wonderful. It would be good for you to get to know other submissives."</p><p>She shrugged uncomfortably. "I - I know you like the club, but I - "</p><p>"Not there." He gave her palm a tender brush of his thumb. "I do like it, but I don't need to go, and I would never ask you to. But you would like Astoria, I think, and she hosts gatherings at their house sometimes, for submissives to talk. I wish you'd had that when you started."</p><p>"Why? I like learning from you."</p><p>"Angel, it's not healthy for your only influence in the lifestyle to be the person you're dating. You need to get a sense of who you are and what you want independent of what I think. I'll still be here, but it can be good to talk out questions or problems with others, people who understand your side of things."</p><p>"I guess. It - it's just weird, after - " The moon and a nearby street lamp illuminated her face as she offered him a tight, sad smile.  "He didn't like for us to talk. I knew the other girls, I saw them sometimes, but aside from Gemma I wasn't really allowed to talk to anyone, even if we went to the club. But I'll give it a try. Ginny's great, and she gets the play stuff, but she doesn't get the rest of it as much."</p><p>"Thank you for being willing to try," he said, the thick chains of the swing clinking as he leaned towards her so that he could graze her knuckles with his lips.</p><p>"What happened with - with your other relationship? The one like ours?"</p><p>He sighed. "The war got in the way. I was spying for Albus and dealing with the mistrust from Sirius and the others, since it was more of a secret back then. She was busy trying to keep her family safe. She made it through alright, but we lost touch. Then for a while I had my hands full trying to stay afloat, and you know about Sirius and Dora. I dated a few submissives after the divorce, mostly people I met through the club, but never anyone I clicked with the way I have with you."</p><p>"I'm grateful for Ginny and Dora's meddling. I couldn't have guessed we'd end up here, but you were always such a good friend to me, Remus," she whispered. "I probably wouldn't have made it through the war intact without our talks. Or that year after."</p><p>"I know what you mean." He'd been a mess back then, too. The three of them, but mostly Hermione, had kept his head on straight about his missions and his affliction and relationship with Dora. As she smiled and squeezed his hand, he said, "I'm so grateful we ended up here, too."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. wish all the devils were nameless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Wish I could show you what safe is</em><br/>
<em>Wish I could tell you to breathe</em><br/>
<em>Wish all the devils were nameless</em><br/>
<em>Wish I could tell them to leave</em><br/>
<em>So I just hope it remains this</em><br/>
<em>'Cause everything I’ve ever been</em><br/>
<em>Belonged to you the second you claimed it</em>
</p><p>Dermot Kennedy, "Malay/Stockholm"</p><p>Saturday, January 29, 2005</p><p>"Fucking hell, little girl," Remus groaned, his voice muffled by a pillow. "Are you sure you haven't done this before?"</p><p>"Nope. I have an excellent relaxation teacher, though." The musical tinkling of Hermione's laughter washed over him while she worked magic on his scalp, exorcising every last bit of tension and worry. She shifted briefly, leaning over to grab her lotion from the nightstand. A delicate burst of hibiscus met his senses as she continued her ministrations along his neck and shoulders.</p><p>When they'd returned to the cottage, he asked her if she still wanted a lesson and she said that there was something else she wanted more. He was so proud of her for speaking up about her desires that - though he'd had other things in mind - he couldn't help but say yes.</p><p>And that's the story of how he ended up face-down on the bed with a half-naked little pixie perched astride his hips, being undone by her hands, hyper-aware of the scent of her arousal filling the room and dampening his skin through her silk panties.</p><p>For a while, as she worked her way down his back, there were no sounds but his moans of pleasure and her quiet breath. She was so attentive to his responses - she always was - that she managed to hit just the right spots and adjust before he thought to ask her when she didn't. For such a small woman she was mostly muscle, any knots she found quickly giving way beneath her strength.</p><p>When she reached the base of his spine, she surprised him by shifting from his back to kneel next to him and follow the same path her hands had taken with her lips. Tracing his scars and the pattern of his freckles, her mouth traveled from his neck to the base of his spine, her hair now freed from its satin ribbon binding to caress him.</p><p>She ran her fingertips over a cluster of scar tissue at the small of his back as she asked, "Can I do your legs, too?"</p><p>"Another time, angel. I want to see you. That was lovely, though, thank you."</p><p>"You're welcome." Her smile greeted him when he rolled over and started to sit up, but she placed her palms on his chest. "Stay there. Please, Daddy?"</p><p>"I'm at your disposal, baby girl," he said, the words turning to a growl when she sat astride his hips again and her pussy met his hard cock through the entirely insufficient - and rapidly becoming soaked - layer of fabric. The way she gasped and rolled her hips both amused and aroused him. </p><p>She closed her eyes tightly with a pained expression as she fought to restrain herself, shifting so that she wasn't right on top of him, and his cock twitched in protest. But he had given her free rein, within reason, so he figured he could be patient while her self-control waned.</p><p>She leaned forward, but instead of sealing her lips to his, she kissed his cheek and jaw, nuzzling his beard and nipping softly at his ear before trailing her mouth over his neck. Her slight curves fit pleasantly against him, her breasts brushing his torso.</p><p>"Careful, little tease," he said with a hiss as she sucked his nipple into her mouth and scraped her teeth over it. The saucy smirk she shot him him made him fist his hand in her hair long enough to hear her whimper before he let go and ghosted his fingertips over her sides, enjoying the way she quivered at his touch.</p><p>She knelt between his legs, wandering further down, her mouth following the outline of his ribs and the shape of the few knife and curse scars scattered there. The tenderness with which she did it and the look of reverence on her face stole his breath. Hesitantly, as though she feared he would object, she grazed the scar he'd had the longest with her lips - the one under his ribcage on the right side that had been with him since he was four years old.</p><p>She touched it sometimes, but she'd never lavished such attention on it before - because she was afraid it might upset him, perhaps, or because he so often kept her occupied in other ways. She looked up at him and he gave her a slight nod.</p><p>"I know it's hard for you, carrying everything that comes with it," she whispered, fluttering her tongue over the ruined mark Greyback left behind and eliciting a shiver. "But I love the wolf in you so much, Daddy. It's a part of who you are and I love all of you."</p><p>He'd grown out of much of the self-hatred and shame that once ate away at him, but he didn't know that he could ever fully love that part of himself. Hermione, though...she wholly accepted it, didn't think of it as something to be feared or even cured. She did her research to improve people's lives and to get the restrictions overturned. She never treated it like the curse others did - the curse he still, deep down, felt it to be.</p><p>"My sweet angel." He swallowed against a wave of emotion and felt her smile as she kissed the rest of the silvery scars dotting his torso.</p><p>"May I suck your cock, sir?"</p><p>Running his knuckles over her cheek, he said, "If you want it in a bit, I promise you can. Come here and kiss me properly."</p><p>She pressed her lips to a small, faint scar at the top of his thigh, then shimmied up his body. He settled her astride his hips, just in front of his cock, so she wouldn't be tempted to grind on him yet. Drawing her into a passionate kiss, he threaded his fingers into her curls, his other hand cupping her breast and thumbing her nipple. He could feel how much she ached as she whimpered into his mouth. </p><p>He broke the kiss to whisper, "I had all sorts of nefarious ideas about tormenting you while you did that, but what would please me most right now is to make you come, little one. Would you like that?"</p><p>Her disappointment at being diverted from one of her favorite activities had receded under the haze of arousal and she nodded, squeezing him with her thighs. "I need you."</p><p>"I know you do. And you've been such a good girl for Daddy, so well-behaved. How do you want my cock, kitten?"</p><p>"On top, please, Daddy." The words were broken by panting, a needy whine escaping her as he caressed the mark he'd left on her shoulder earlier with his tongue.</p><p>She buried her face in his neck and nibbled him as he wrapped his arms around her and rolled to settle on top of her, tucking a pillow beneath her head. She liked it best this way, or sometimes from behind; at first he worried that she might be insecure about riding him, but she said that it felt better when he set the pace, that she liked feeling his body cover hers. He was more than happy to oblige.</p><p>Divesting her of her panties, he settled between her thighs, reveling in the feeling of her hand in his hair and the part of her lips as she hissed when his cock brushed her molten center.</p><p>She wound her legs around him, mindless pleas falling from her lips. She was already so close, and he reached down to position himself, watching her face, wanting to savor every second, every sweet sound she made as she came undone.</p><p>He'd barely breached her dripping entrance when she froze and the gasp she breathed terminated in a pained whimper. "It hurts, Daddy."</p><p><em>Shit.</em> He withdrew as gently as he could, concern flooding him. She shut her eyes tight, trying and failing to fight back tears. "Shh, little one. Do you need me to get you anything?"</p><p>At the sharp shake of her head, he stretched out next to her on his side and gathered her into his arms, holding her close. "Is this alright?"</p><p>She nodded, taking halting breaths, and he pulled the duvet around her. "I'm sorry. God, I ruin <em>everything</em> - "</p><p>"Shh, none of that." His heart cracked at the self-recrimination in her words, and he tipped her head up and brushed her few tears away with the pad of his thumb, holding her gaze. "You didn't do anything wrong, Min. You don't have anything to apologize for. Did I trigger you?"</p><p>She shook her head, her voice trembling. "It was just too much, it burned wh - when you pushed inside. It's never hurt like that before, not with you."</p><p>"Are you still hurting?" As she shook her head again, he rested his palm against her cheek and kissed her temple. "I want you to take some deep breaths and relax, angel. Listen to my heartbeat and let me hold you. Can you do that for me?"</p><p>She bit her lip for a moment, but she nodded, tucking her head to his chest and snuggling in closer as he enveloped her in his embrace.</p><p>"There's a good girl. I want you to focus on how it feels to be in my arms, you tell me if there's anything else I can do. You don't need to worry, you haven't ruined anything. I'm proud of you for speaking up. I know it's scary to do that."</p><p>He held her, his quiet reassurances the only sound other than her shaky, tearful breaths. To his relief, it didn't take long for her breathing to even out, and the tightness in her shoulders and back eased under his hands. Eventually he asked, "How are you feeling now, baby girl?"</p><p>"Better." She rubbed her cheek affectionately to his chest, asking in a small voice, "C - can we try again?"</p><p>"Not tonight."</p><p>He started to say something else, but she interrupted him, looking up earnestly. "But I'm not triggered! I was only upset because I felt bad I had to stop. And the pain went away. <em>Please</em>, Daddy."</p><p>"Eager kitten," he said with a chuckle. "I'm kicking myself for not thinking of it beforehand, but it probably hurt because you're under so much stress with everything going on. It's normal to hold tension there. And I'm sure I didn't help, getting you so wound up today."</p><p>"But - "</p><p>He laid a finger to her lips. "You'll worry too much if we try right now. We'll have some advanced relaxation lessons tomorrow, and I promise we can do it in the next couple days if you want to, angel."</p><p>"What if - what if I still can't?" she asked, knitting her brow.</p><p>"Baby girl, I know how much you love taking my cock." His lips quirked. "And I know we've both got a bit of a size kink, but sometimes it has its downsides. It's okay if you can't, you won't always be able to. I have other ways to keep you busy, don't I?"</p><p>"Yeah, but - " She averted her eyes with a sigh. It was an expression he'd become familiar with.</p><p>"Look at me," he murmured. "There's nothing wrong with you, Min. I know this'll pass, but even if by some twist of fate it doesn't, I don't need that to be happy with you. I love you no matter what, and I love everything we do together. Do you trust me?"</p><p>She looked a little uncertain, but she nodded. "I love you, too, Daddy. So much."</p><p>"That's my girl. It'll be alright." He pressed his lips warmly to hers. "Do you still want to come for me?"</p><p>"Yes, sir. But - but I want to make you come, too. Pretty please?"</p><p>"Are you sure, kitten? I don't want - "</p><p>She narrowed her eyes at him. "Remus, if you're about to insinuate I'm begging you to let me suck your cock out of obligation, I'll be cross."</p><p>He snorted with laughter. "I withdraw the question. I do worry occasionally that you might do something out of obligation, but - "</p><p>"I know you don't want me to, and I'm really trying to be good. But Daddy, there'll <em>never</em> be a time when I don't want your cock in my mouth. Like, ever."</p><p>Her serious-as-a-heart-attack expression drew more laughter from him, and he grazed her cheek with his fingertips. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm so lucky."</p><p>"We both are," she reminded him, smiling. "So, about - "</p><p>"Get on your knees, little girl," he growled, enjoying the way she clenched her thighs together. He gave her a cushioning charm and sat on the edge of the bed, winding her hair around his fist and pulling her head into his lap. She rubbed her cheek to his thigh, the lines of her face relaxing as she cuddled between his legs. "Have you missed kneeling for me?"</p><p>"Yes, sir."</p><p>"I want you to keep your thighs apart. We can't have you coming just yet, needy girl." He loosened his grip to run gentle fingers through her curls, drinking in the way she leaned into his touch. "Can you behave yourself?"</p><p>"I'll try my best, sir." With a look of consternation, she added, "It helps if you don't fuck my mouth."</p><p>"But you love it when I do that, kitten. Such a predicament I've put you in," he teased. "I won't set you up to fail this time, don't worry."</p><p>"Thank you, Daddy." A mewl escaped her when her tongue darted out to lap the precum from the head, and she took him into her mouth slowly, her eyes fluttering closed.</p><p>Her enraptured look always did something viscerally pleasurable to him, and he throbbed against her tongue as she took more of him inside. "Goddamn, baby," he groaned, giving her hair a light tug. "You're so beautiful when you take my cock in your mouth. Always so sweet and eager, so fucking perfect. How you could ever think you're not enough, I don't - "</p><p>A gasp stole the end of his sentence when she dipped her head to suck his balls into her mouth, the little vixen. Her pleading whimpers hummed against his sac as she pumped his shaft firmly in her hand.</p><p>"That's Daddy's good girl. You want my come, don't you?"</p><p>Her devoted gaze snapped to his. It undid him, the myriad ways she showed him how much she loved him and loved serving him, loved belonging to him.</p><p>"Please, Daddy." She took him into her mouth again, still stroking him in her small fist as she tongued his cock fiercely.</p><p>"That's it - fucking hell, Min - " With a harsh shout, his orgasm ripped through him, making him shudder and spill into her mouth. </p><p>She wrung every drop from him, the sensations dragging out until they were nearly unbearable. When she let him go, she lapped at his softening shaft and nuzzled him lovingly.</p><p>"Thank you, sir," she said, laying her head on his thigh.</p><p>"Thank <em>you,</em> angel." </p><p>He quivered a bit with the aftershocks, languorous pleasure unfurling in his limbs. Though he knew she was aching, she seemed quite at home at his feet, and he let her stay there while he petted her and savored the lovely contented noises she made. </p><p>Once he recovered, he said, "Up here on the bed, on your hands and knees, kitten."</p><p>She unfolded herself from the floor, and he spotted the hint of a blush when she clambered onto the bed and rested her head on a pillow with her ass in the air. A shiver ran through her as he dragged his nails up the backs of her thighs, and he knelt behind her, nudging her legs wider apart.</p><p>"Goodness, baby girl, you're dripping everywhere. And you smell intoxicating."</p><p>She'd be blushing even more now. "Please, Daddy, will you make me come?"</p><p>"You can come all you want, little one. You've been so very patient for me, such a good girl." He teased at her soaked entrance with a fingertip and she shuddered and bucked her hips. "Is this alright?" he murmured as he slid one finger inside of her, stroking her inner walls. </p><p>"It feels good," she whispered, pressing back to his hand. "Please, more, Daddy. I need it."</p><p>He felt her walls contract erratically around him as she hovered on the edge. When he nuzzled into her and flicked his tongue against her perineum, she exhaled a garbled litany of curses, and he tongued her ass while he fucked her. The light pressure of his thumb on her clit drew sharp cries, making her squirt over his hand and the bed as she came violently.</p><p>She was shaking so hard he barely caught her before she collapsed onto the bed. He looped a strong arm around her waist, helping her to lay on her back and settling between her thighs.</p><p>"Christ. That was - " A breathy giggle rose from her throat as she finally found her voice.</p><p>"That good?" he said with a roguish grin.</p><p>She scrunched her nose at him. "I shouldn't encourage your meanness. But...it's fun when you make me wait. And it makes me come really hard."</p><p>His chuckle reverberated as he nuzzled her stomach, and she squirmed beneath him at the sensation. He skimmed the curse scar that ran from collarbone to hip with his lips. "My precious girl. I love watching you come for me."</p><p>Snagging her wrist, he kissed the inside of it, where her knife scars began. He let her have her glamor at work, but she'd slowly become more open to lowering it the rest of the time, and it pleased him to see how carefree she'd been that evening, even when they were out in public. She was still self-conscious, but he liked watching her learn to let go.</p><p>"I'm so proud of you for being willing to show more of yourself, too. Everything about you is beautiful, you know that?"</p><p>When he looked up, she bit her bottom lip shyly, but not for long - her mouth parted in a gasp as he nuzzled her center, lapping up her juices.</p><p>"Jesus fuck," she swore when his tongue met her clit.</p><p>"Too much, kitten?"</p><p>She fisted her hands in the blankets. "In - in a good way. Please don't stop, Daddy."</p><p>He gave her tender licks from core to clit, then fucked her with his tongue. She arched to his mouth, her hips writhing as she tangled a hand in his hair. When he brushed his lips over the swollen nub of her clit once more, she trembled from the overstimulation, strangled whimpers rising from her throat.</p><p>A few firmer caresses of his tongue carried her over the edge, and she moaned his name as he cupped her ass and held her to him. He suckled her clit and drank deeply of her, releasing her only when she couldn't take it any longer.</p><p>He smiled softly, shifting up her body and gathering her into his arms. "My good, sweet girl. Are you alright?"</p><p>"Yes. It was perfect," she whispered as she curled up against him.</p><p>Enhanced hearing was an upside of his affliction, he had to admit; he always loved listening to the way the quick flutter of her heart attuned with the steadier thrum of his.</p>
<hr/><p>The chirp of his phone drew Remus from his reverie Tuesday morning as he watched Hermione sleep. These precious times before she woke were his favorite thing about being a morning person. She'd been so excited and relieved that his 'relaxation lessons' eventually worked that she wore herself out the night before; she would sleep even later than usual.</p><p>He grabbed the offending device from the nightstand, flipping it open and scrolling through John's texts with a sigh as he rolled onto his side again to face her. He tapped out a quick response, and the quiet click of his phone snapping shut stirred her from sleep.</p><p>"Wha' is it?" she murmured with a yawn, blinking owlishly against the rays of sun spilling into the room. </p><p>"Nothing important, angel. Come here and go back to sleep, we've got time."</p><p>"'Kay." Her nose twitched and she rubbed it with her fist as she cuddled into his open arms, so damn cute his heart nearly broke in half. She tucked her head to his chest, mumbling, "Love you, Daddy."</p><p>"I love you, too, baby girl." He held her close and nuzzled into her curls, kissing the top of her head and wishing the spectre of what was to come wouldn't haunt the sweetness of the moment. </p><p>He was glad he'd arranged the trip - it had been more than worth it to see her smile freely and find comfort in being together with him, away from everything. But he could sense the low hum of anxiety even as they made love the night before. Recalling her fervent wish from a couple of nights ago that they wouldn't have to go home, he fought down a touch of uneasiness.</p><p>
  <em>Not enough time.</em>
</p><p>She was subdued when she woke, and he held her as he bathed her, needing the contact as much as she did. He waited until he'd gotten some caffeine and sugar in her to tell her John wanted to come by that afternoon to talk about the other victims. She just shrugged, seeming resigned to their return to reality. The Apparition-Portkey-Apparition trip back home went smoothly, and once they unpacked she curled up at his feet in the living room, laying her head in his lap while he read to her.</p><p>He was close to the end of the next chapter when the Floo chimed, and he reluctantly disentangled his hand from her hair as she roused herself from the state of relaxation that always lulled her into. She rose from the floor, and before she could walk away, he snagged her wrist and pulled her into a hug, pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead.</p><p>She gave him a small smile, curling her fingers around his and squeezing, keeping hold of his hand as they made their way to the library.</p><p>Draco and John were magically siphoning off the soot from their robes. They said their hellos and declined Hermione's offer of tea, taking the armchairs as Remus took the spot next to her on the couch opposite. </p><p>"Right. How can I help?"</p><p>"I have some questions about Gemma Buchanan," John said.</p><p>"I thought you said none of them would talk." She'd already been questioned about what she knew of the other victims when she gave her statement, and they were interviewed at the same time as Abbott's accomplices.</p><p>"Yes, Miss Buchanan pretty much told us to pound sand."</p><p>Hermione snorted. "Sounds like Gemma."</p><p>"You said she brewed for Abbott, correct? The potions he gave you?"</p><p>"And anything else he needed - it's not just spellwork he sucks at," she said with a wry twist of her lips. "She's no Potions Mistress, but if he'd have let her finish school she could have managed a N.E.W.T. in it."</p><p>John cleared his throat, wearing the uncomfortable look he had when he was forced to do something he found distasteful in service to the job. "Did she brew the potions you all took yourselves?"</p><p>Hermione glanced at Remus and back at John, and he frowned as he got an inkling of where the conversation was headed. Draco's expression told Remus he had been briefed beforehand.</p><p>"I brewed my own," she answered after a beat, her voice clipped.</p><p>"During some of your overdoses - "</p><p>"Gemma shoved sober-up down my throat a few times. And I've done the same for her."</p><p>"And did she brew potions for the other girls?"</p><p>She clasped her hands tightly in her lap. "Why are you asking me this?"</p><p>John rubbed the back of his neck. "We've got some new evidence in Meredith Ryan's case. Her journals delve more deeply into Miss Buchanan's role, which her parents brought to our attention."</p><p>Hermione studied her lap, tension tightening the corners of her mouth. Her face was so shuttered she might as well have been using Occlumency. When she looked up again, she said, "So you'd like me to incriminate another one of his victims so you can try her for brewing the potions Mere used to escape her own abuse?"</p><p>John looked like he'd sucked a lemon.</p><p>"It's not exac - " Draco started, but Hermione cut him off, dangerously calm.</p><p>"Ah, my mistake. Allow me to rephrase. You want me to incriminate a pregnant abuse victim so you can threaten her with prison time for the death of another victim, all so you can coerce her into testifying against her abuser. Have I misunderstood?"</p><p>For a moment Remus felt sorry for John, who hadn't yet encountered this side of her, and Draco, who'd only seen a little. His own reckoning had come during one of their first morning meetings at Grimmauld with the war just on, when he refused to tell her why he had to leave. Her discovery of his affliction in her Third Year could be put down to mere 'books and cleverness,' but her comprehension of the Order business she wasn't privy to had been something else entirely.</p><p>
  <em>“Well, you ought to know, I think it’s bullshit what he expects you to do," Hermione said from her perch on the upholstered floral bench in the breakfast nook, tightly-controlled fury lurking behind her matter-of-fact words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remus turned from the sink and stared at her. It was the first time he'd heard her curse, but that wasn't what took him a full fifteen seconds to find his wits before he said, “Excuse me?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It was obvious enough to anyone with eyes at dinner tonight. I’ve only seen that look one other time - on Professor Snape. And since I have an idea of the reason in his case, it’s not hard to make the connection that it may be a similar one in yours.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re bloody terrifying sometimes, do you know that?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I prefer to be thought of as astute," she shot back with a quirk of her lips. "Incisive, even.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, I can think of a long list of adjectives. I’ll add those."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just - “ The teasing note left her voice, and she pressed her hands to her face, sucking in a quick breath before she brought them down. “It’s not fair to you. And I know I can’t change anything, but I’m sorry you’ve been asked to do it.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You didn’t ask me, Hermione. That guilt’s not yours.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It should be someone’s, but the Headmaster's content to drop it. Probably can’t afford it, in his position, but still - “ She stowed the storm of emotion under her words and plastered a small smile on her face. “Just take care of yourself, okay? You promised me a theory lesson on the Imperius, and I’m holding you to that, Remus Lupin."</em>
</p><p>She <em>had</em> been incisive, and already enraged by the machinations of power and politics - not to mention practiced at putting on a brave face, convincing everyone she was fine. He was one of the few who ever got a glimpse of what was underneath, and he still kicked himself for being taken in by her acting the year she was abused.</p><p>John looked to him as if he might be able to salvage the conversation, with much more hope than Remus could muster himself. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I know it's not - ideal - but he has to do everything he can to build a solid case, Min."</p><p>"And I'm the reason Selwyn and Rowle can't testify, not to mention the Mind Healer's report - I'm the reason we don't have a solid case."</p><p>She was the reason they had a case at all. As much as she railed against a society that judged her harshly, she was brutal towards herself. "That's not - "</p><p>"That's not what you meant, but we've all thought it, Remus. Might as well put it on the table." Her voice was quiet as she looked at Draco. Resigned. "Are you really co-signing this? We both know the minute he's got a scapegoat, it's over. They won't give a shit that he's been torturing her and manipulating her since she was 17 years old."</p><p>"Hermione, she's not actually going to be charged with anything," Draco said, holding up his hands. "And I don't like it either, but I'm your rep, not hers. It's the same tactic that worked on Selwyn and Rowle."</p><p>"It worked on Selwyn and Rowle because they're weak. They have something to lose. It didn't work on the other men, and it won't work on Gemma. She sees prison or death as a reprieve, the only thing that scares her is what he'll do to her first if he walks."</p><p>When no one said anything, she shook her head with a sigh. "Right. Look, I get it, John. Your job is putting him in Azkaban regardless of what it takes. But if you've ever questioned why victims don't want to cooperate, maybe take a look at your playbook."</p><p>"Min - " Remus started, but she cut him off again, the slight inflection in her voice the only shred of emotion she'd shown the whole conversation.</p><p>"No, Remus. <em>Now's</em> the time I need you to think like someone who cares about me. Because if she hadn't been there, I'd have been the one brewing for him, and I wouldn't have escaped so easily. I'd be the one you're trying to pin Mere's death on." When she met his eyes, her armor slipped for a fraction of a second, long enough for what he saw beneath to gut him. Then she looked away. "Do what you want, but leave me out of it."</p><p>Remus watched her walk out, taking in the tight set of her shoulders, and a moment later he heard the faint click of the basement door opening and shutting in the kitchen.</p><p>"That went well," Draco said dryly.</p><p>"She's not wrong, John. It's a shitty tactic."</p><p>"You know I don't like it either, but it's what we've got. Do you think she's right about the Buchanan girl?"</p><p>
  <em>They're weak. They have something to lose. The only thing that scares her is what he'll do to her if he walks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd be the one you're trying to pin Mere's death on.</em>
</p><p>He thought of the ruthless lengths she'd gone to in the name of keeping herself and the other girls safe. "I don't think she would have said it if she weren't sure. Look, I can talk to her, see if she's willing to try and talk the woman into helping, but she won't cooperate if - "</p><p>"I get it. We won't use it as leverage." John stood and Remus followed. "I'd appreciate it if you ask her. I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of this."</p><p>"You're just doing your job." <em>And I should have done better at mine.</em></p><p>When they said their goodbyes and left, Remus poured himself a glass of whiskey and sat down hard on the couch. All he saw in its amber depths was the shattered look in her eyes.</p>
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